Separating Fear and Love

[adpaz]

For many, many years, fear had been an integral part of how I loved.  It wasn't fear of abuse, or fear of something horrible happening to the person I loved.  It was fear of being unlovable, of being left alone.  That fear helped shape many a bad decision, ruined friendships, and came very close to making the fear a reality

Comments

[messygorgeous]

It breaks my heart for you that you had those feelings of responsibility when your dad left. I'm divorced and that was always a fear when my kids were small, that they would blame themselves.

I dated a man that are away at my self esteem. He and I were together for just six months, but I was young. Before him, I felt powerful, gorgeous, irresistible. After him, when it came to men, I was fearful that I was unloveable, fat, just some girl. It's been 20 years and a piece of me still hates him for it, and hates myself for caring about him enough to let it happen.

I'm so glad you have found the love you deserve and don't have to be scared anymore!

[adpaz]

Thanks. I was lucky that my parents never tried to make me feel responsible, nor did they ever say one bad word about the other one to my sister and I. It was just my lack of self-esteem that made me feel the way I did.

It's really hard when someone can pull you down so far. I've been lucky that I did find my way out of the negativity that he brought me to. I don't even hate him anymore, and have even become friends with him. But that's in part because of knowing that, even though it was negative, he still taught me a lot.

*hugs* and thanks for all the kind words.

[adoptedwriter]

So happy for you now!

[adpaz]

Thanks! *hugs*

[rayaso]

I am so sorry for all that you have been through. That is a lot to carry around. I hope your current relationship lasts and gives you what you need.

[adpaz]

So far, I've been really lucky. It will be 15 years together next month, which gives me a lot of hope. And even with the bad that I've been through, I've learned a lot. Thanks for coming in and commenting!

[fading_light]

Oh wow

[adpaz]

Thanks, both for sharing your own story and for supporting me with wanting to punch Tom! :-) I've actually come to a place where I can be friends with him now, at least through Facebook, but it was rough to go through at the time. Now I'm just happy that I am where I need to be! *hugs*

As far as you being proactive - you be what YOU need to be on your own time. It's easy to tell someone they need to be proactive and put themselves out there. It's a lot harder to actually do it when you're more introverted than extroverted. I have faith that when the time comes, you'll find the one that is supposed to be a part of your life and that you'll have the courage to put yourself out there then. (After all, it's what happened with my husband! :-))

[dmousey]

Hugs, it took courage to share this. Hugs and peace~~~

[adpaz]

*hugs* Thanks!