::big safe hugs:: Remember, you had six months of victories - over 180 days, and 1 day of self-injuring. You've proven you're plenty strong.
As unhealthy as it is, SI is a coping skill. You've got a lot that needs coping with, and falling back on SI is completely understandable. I'm sorry to hear you're in such a bad situation. I hope there's a way to resolve it so that you can be somewhere safe and loving.
It's easy to overlook all those days without SI as victories - we think "oh, well those were normal days, and SI days are horrible and show I'm weak!" when in reality, all those "normal" days were when we showed our strength and coping skills.
I'm boggled by his ideas on therapy - my guess is that he puts it down because he thinks your therapist will tell you the things you already know: that he's emotionally abusive and a narcissist!
Teaching in the UK could be a lot of fun - and having the option of good healthcare for cheap is always a good thing!
I've suspected that his problem with therapy is that he's afraid he'll get called out, too! Actually I started reading up on narcissism and went, "oh wait...O_o" and asked her and she didn't say "yes" but walked me through his behavior and my reactions and I'd already figured it out for myself, she just reaffirmed my feelings.
I'm afraid the UK is a pipe dream, but I've got a friend there who is doing research for me to see what she can come up with - what papers I need, credentials, etc. So far it looks like I'll just need to get a license to teach once I have my B.A. :)
She's hell-bent on finding some nice British boy for me to marry once I get there, lol.
six months SI-free is so amazing. SIing now or in the future can't ever erase what you've accomplished throughout the past half year. as someone who also struggles with SI, i'm really impressed. you deserve to be proud of yourself.
if you haven't already, i'd suggest asking your therapist for ideas on how to get through SI urges. one of my old therapists told me about sinking your hands into ice water- it's supposed to give you that same adrenaline rush as SI. and there are countless self-nurturing outlets you can turn to: taking a bath, going for a walk or a drive, putting on a favorite movie, writing in your journal, etc.
i do hope you don't have any urges again since they're so unpleasant to experience. but if you do, don't beat yourself up- you're going through a lot right now, and it's only natural to turn to a coping mechanism that's helped in the past. you went so long without SI, though, that you absolutely can keep on getting through stressful moments without it again. :)
I've had the urge so many times but didn't do it - I always managed to get myself through it.
I know six months is a long time, I guess I didn't think of it as a victory but it is.
It's impossible to escape my husband sometimes unless I go into the bathroom and lock the door - and of course now he demands that I open it because he always thinks I'm about to self-injure. Usually I'm actually talking myself OUT of it.
is it possible for you to get in the car and go somewhere else to get away from him? or have a friend pick you up, or even just go for a walk?
if leaving the house is difficult, then maybe you could make a list of some people you could call. even just grabbing a book and reading outside on the lawn could be a much needed retreat. i don't think the bathroom is the best place to be when you're upset and trying to have some alone time- it seems like it'd be too triggering and confining, at least in my opinion. but if you do end up in there, you could bring a book and put on some headphones and maybe take a bath and try to pass the time getting some relaxation.
Unfortunately, the car is in his name. :( I'm supposed to get one for myself soon with financial aid, but he's actually banned me from using the car at times.
Annnd I don't really know anybody here. Not well, at least. I was semi-involved in the religious community (I'm Muslim) but they drove me crazy with unsolicited advice, gossiping, etc. I couldn't confide in any of them because whenever I did everybody knew within five minutes and a lot of stuff got spread around that wasn't even true.
Yeah the bathroom is triggering. This whole apartment is triggering. I'm fine when I'm alone, and luckily he works nights a lot of the time so I'm in school all day and then he's gone at night but it's still hard.
But like I said - I am gonna get a car. I'm also looking into clubs and events I can take part in at school - problem is my load is so heavy this semester I'm afraid I won't have time for them, but I can at least try.
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As unhealthy as it is, SI is a coping skill. You've got a lot that needs coping with, and falling back on SI is completely understandable. I'm sorry to hear you're in such a bad situation. I hope there's a way to resolve it so that you can be somewhere safe and loving.
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I'm boggled by his ideas on therapy - my guess is that he puts it down because he thinks your therapist will tell you the things you already know: that he's emotionally abusive and a narcissist!
Teaching in the UK could be a lot of fun - and having the option of good healthcare for cheap is always a good thing!
Reply
I'm afraid the UK is a pipe dream, but I've got a friend there who is doing research for me to see what she can come up with - what papers I need, credentials, etc. So far it looks like I'll just need to get a license to teach once I have my B.A. :)
She's hell-bent on finding some nice British boy for me to marry once I get there, lol.
Reply
if you haven't already, i'd suggest asking your therapist for ideas on how to get through SI urges. one of my old therapists told me about sinking your hands into ice water- it's supposed to give you that same adrenaline rush as SI. and there are countless self-nurturing outlets you can turn to: taking a bath, going for a walk or a drive, putting on a favorite movie, writing in your journal, etc.
i do hope you don't have any urges again since they're so unpleasant to experience. but if you do, don't beat yourself up- you're going through a lot right now, and it's only natural to turn to a coping mechanism that's helped in the past. you went so long without SI, though, that you absolutely can keep on getting through stressful moments without it again. :)
Reply
I've had the urge so many times but didn't do it - I always managed to get myself through it.
I know six months is a long time, I guess I didn't think of it as a victory but it is.
It's impossible to escape my husband sometimes unless I go into the bathroom and lock the door - and of course now he demands that I open it because he always thinks I'm about to self-injure. Usually I'm actually talking myself OUT of it.
:-/
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if leaving the house is difficult, then maybe you could make a list of some people you could call. even just grabbing a book and reading outside on the lawn could be a much needed retreat. i don't think the bathroom is the best place to be when you're upset and trying to have some alone time- it seems like it'd be too triggering and confining, at least in my opinion. but if you do end up in there, you could bring a book and put on some headphones and maybe take a bath and try to pass the time getting some relaxation.
Reply
Annnd I don't really know anybody here. Not well, at least. I was semi-involved in the religious community (I'm Muslim) but they drove me crazy with unsolicited advice, gossiping, etc. I couldn't confide in any of them because whenever I did everybody knew within five minutes and a lot of stuff got spread around that wasn't even true.
Yeah the bathroom is triggering. This whole apartment is triggering. I'm fine when I'm alone, and luckily he works nights a lot of the time so I'm in school all day and then he's gone at night but it's still hard.
But like I said - I am gonna get a car. I'm also looking into clubs and events I can take part in at school - problem is my load is so heavy this semester I'm afraid I won't have time for them, but I can at least try.
:) Thanks.
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