Sweet Valley Twins #43: Elizabeth's First Kiss
Here we go, you guys. This is the forty-third Sweet Valley Twins book but really it should have been number one. Elizabeth's First Kiss stars one Todd Wilkins, Esq., who up until this point wasn't really much of a regular feature in SVT. Technically speaking, this is the book that starts it all off: all the letters to Vermont, the Todd punches, the connect-the-dot kisses, the lame fancy dress costumes, and, twelve-year-old daniellafromage's favourite bit of Sweet Valley canon, Liz's head fitting perfectly into the crook of Todd's neck. Can I get a squee over here?
The cover is possibly the worst bit about this book. Liz is pretty, in spite of her ugly dress. Todd, on the other hand, looks terrible. I admit that I am not a twelve-year-old girl and as such my tastes run a little differently, but how is Todd one of the cutest boys in sixth grade? He looks mildly retarded. I kid you not, I used to have an LJ userpic which used this particular picture of Todd, and I photoshopped the word "dork" on top of it. What a mouthbreather. Liz looks terrified. Look at those gritted teeth.
Can I also get a LOL for the tag-line? "Elizabeth is in love!" Way to exaggerate a twelve-year-old's crush, guys! You just know that it was switched from "Elizabeth and Todd sitting in a tree!" at the last moment. Liz would be so embarrassed if she saw this.
In conclusion I am not encouraged by the cover, but let's get on with it anyway.
A plot
Sweet Valley Middle School has gone boy-crazy! (Well, the girls have. The boys have gone girl-crazy.) Jessica plays messenger-girl for Mandy Miller and Peter Jeffries. Ken Matthews stops by after Booster practice to show Amy Sutton his new bicycle. (Compare this to Sweet Valley High, where Bruce Patman stops by after cheerleading practice to show Amy Sutton his penis.) Jake Hamilton smiles at Lila Fowler in the halls. And, of course, Elizabeth Wakefield like-likes Todd Wilkins. Yes, it's that sort of book. We are told that he's matured since the fourth grade. Five pages in and I'm giggling like mad! This doesn't bode well for the rest of the book.
But in the next scene, Jessica reveals that she like-likes Todd as well! Revel in the genius that is Francine Pascal, who has somehow managed to get her readers to buy the same book twice. I can't even be too angry. You have to admire that sort of chutzpah. However, I have to admit that while I love both this book and Double Love, it always annoyed me that the entire cast of Sweet Valley suffered collective amnesia about the fact that Liz and Todd were "sort-of" boyfriend and girlfriend in sixth grade. I know they retconned by introducing the SVJH series and Liz and Todd growing apart or whatever, but who even cares about those books?
Later that afternoon, Jessica and Ellen gossip on the phone about boys. Jessica is excited because she sees Todd riding his bike slowly past her house! I can't stop giggling again! Todd is hilariously creepy. I'm imagining him cycling along with the Vertigo theme music in the background. I admit that it probably wouldn't be as funny if it were anyone but Todd. Anyway, Jessica is disappointed when Ellen reveals that Rick Hunter gave her a piece of his candy bar at school: "Giving someone a candy bar was better than riding by on a bicycle." Amen, sistafriend. Giving someone a candy bar probably wouldn't indicate the beginning of a series of events which could escalate into your twin sister being stuffed into the boot of a car, for example.
Worried that Todd will never like-like her, Liz steals one of Jessica's fashion magazines. Jessica catches her when she goes into Liz's room to steal Liz's clothes. I put down the book and experience a rare moment of relief that I was an only child. Anyway, to Jessica's shock, Liz asks her for advice about boys, but she refuses to admit who her crush is. Jessica, you sweet fool, it's Todd! It's Liz and Todd who are meant to be together! I know it, Liz knows it, 1bruce1 knows it, your great-great grandparents knew it, Crazy Margo knows it, unborn children gestating in the wombs of blind women living in remote Mongolian caves know it! The only person who doesn't know it is you, apparently.
Jess tells Liz that attracting a boy can be difficult and each boy is different: different things will attract Randy Mason and Tom McKay. Unless Liz is hiding a pretty big secret in her mom-jeans, I think her chances of attracting Tom McKay are minimal whatever she does. That being said, this isn't terrible advice - I have to admit that I thought Jessica would just recommend the bend-and-snap routine. I kind of understand what she is getting at, although she doesn't phrase it very well. It is cool if you think you like someone to try and find out what things they're interested in - provided you're not forcing yourself to enjoy something you hate. ( Like Sophia Rizzo's mother and Chinese food, goddamnit.) Compare Jessica's advice to what Amy does in Amy's True Love: she runs around in circles trying to get Tom McKay to dance with her at the Beach Disco, when meanwhile he's interested in all this other stuff - jazz music, tennis, anal sex - that she doesn't even bother to find out about.
Anyway, Jessica gushes about her crush on Todd and how she's sure that Todd feels the same way. Just as in Double Love, Liz does the noble thing and steps to one side in order to let Jessica date Todd. This is an example of why I just can't be having with Liz. She's such a pushover, and her sister didn't even have to do anything. At least Jessica goes for the stuff she wants. (I know, I know, I'm such a defensive Jessica fan!) Liz is sad but figures that Todd probably does like-like Jessica, so she shouldn't bother. Damnit, Liz! Fight for your love! I want to see you and Todd having a scandalous affair in Sweet Valley Heights!
The next day, Jessica and her friends eat ice-cream at Casey's. I hate them all. I'm on a new year's diet and it is the WORST. I keep wanting to run out and buy tubes of paprika-flavour Pringles (clearly the greatest flavour, maligned as they are by everybody else) and eat them all in one go. Anyway, Jessica is annoyed because Ellen won't shut up about Rick and his candy bar. Hee. I still ship her with Winston, though. If they're not together in Sweet Valley Heights, I shall consider it one of Francine Pascal's greatest travesties.
Jessica gossips about her sister's secret crush, and the other Unicorns are amazed that Liz is actually even capable of like-liking someone. Ellen: "Elizabeth always pulls her hair back into a ponytail or puts barrettes in it like a little kid." You guys, is Ellen a member of 1bruce1? I bet she would make fun of Todd for being so punchy as well. The other girls get into the swing of this Liz-mocking, and Jessica lets out the sigh that only a twelve-year-old girl with an unfashionable sister can emit. Encouraged by Lila and Ellen, she decides to give Liz a makeover.
At home, Liz wonders out loud if she should get a perm. Liz, I think we all agreed that that isn't a good look for you. Jessica is encouraged by this, however, and proposes her offer of a makeover. Liz readily agrees and Jessica primps and grooms her sister for over an hour. Damn. Either Jess has more makeup available to her than any twelve-year-old girl in history, or Liz really needed some work done to her. Or maybe I'm just incredibly lazy with my personal upkeep. A dab of mascara and a couple of rounds with my hair-straighteners and I'm good to go. Anyway. Sadly, although this is a "makeover" book, the ghost-writer doesn't go crazy with the details and as such there isn't much to comment on. Boo, hiss, etc.
Liz washes the makeup off at the first opportunity, which is kind of bitchy, really.
The next day, however, Jessica makes her put on a hot dress and lots of makeup. Everyone at school thinks Liz is Jessica. If you have ever read a teen novel in your life wherein a Plain Jane gets a makeover and wins the hearts of all the boys, you will recognise the entirety of this sequence. On the other hand, if you were a Plain Jane yourself and attempted to get a makeover to win the hearts of all the boys, you will recognise none of this sequence. Yes, I'm speaking from experience. Everyone (male, female, student, teacher) thinks that Liz is a hottie. Good for her. I'm not bitter.
Mention of some Unicorn called "Billie Layton". I guess they changed her first name to Belinda later on in the series. Why am speculating about this? Nobody even cares about Billie. I hate myself for thinking about the minutiae of the Sweet Valley books. We really need to start a Sweet Valley Wiki so that trivia geeks (like me) can talk about this sort of stuff to their hearts' content rather than in the recaps.
Jessica catches up with Todd by the water fountain and the two of them have a cute conversation. Is it wrong that I kind of want them to get together? Quick, somebody slap me - I'm hysterical! But seriously, they smile at each other and stuff, which is a biggish deal when you're twelve. On the other hand, Todd doesn't know who Janet Howell is and thinks that Liz is a Unicorn. Is he new? Get with the program, Todd! Jeez. Jessica accuses him of stalking her. He doesn't say that he's actually stalking Liz, as he really should. Jessica is left feeling a little awkward and unsure if Todd really likes her, but she doesn't tell Liz that he tried to rape her or anything, at least.
At lunch, Lila challenges Jessica to sit with Todd, and Jessica, never one to refuse a dare, marches over to him. Todd, we are told, is sitting with his friends, Colin Harmon, Tom Sleeter, and Rick Hunter. Okay, I know that those first two characters haven't appeared at any other point in the series. Seriously, "Tom Sleeter"? He's like one of those people the characters on Friends invite to their birthday parties. It's annoying when the ghost-writers have Todd hanging out with the four other main boys in the series (Bruce, Winston, Ken, and Aaron) for no reason other than Francine didn't let them make up new peripheral characters, but at least I know who they are.
Anyway, the other Unicorns join them and the lunch is a triumph with Jessica leaving feeling happy and full. She and Todd wave goodbye to each other. Why is all the SVT romance so awesome (except, of course, for that horrific book where Jessica dates that high school boy and anything later than about book 80) and so good at pinning down accurately the way twelve-year-olds behave around the opposite sex? Theory: the SVT series was ACTUALLY WRITTEN BY GENUINE TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS?? I'm just throwin' that out there.
The Unicorns speculate about the identity of Liz's crush. We've been through this already, for fuck's sake. Jesus Christ. They establish that it isn't Jim Sturbridge. We know. Half of this book is told from Liz's point of view, and all she thinks about is her crush on Todd! She's practically wearing a "Mrs Todd Wilkins" t-shirt for all to see. Francine, you're breaking my heart here!
After school, Todd catches up with Liz at her locker. He asks her if she likes bowling. I squeak in excited anticipation, because I know what is coming. She says that she does but she's klutzy and not very good at it. She laughs nervously. Todd just walks away. Todd, you douche, Liz just put her heart on the line there! Liz starts to cry and thinks that she's ruined everything. Poor Liz. I am suddenly so nervous for her, in spite of the neck-crooking.
Everyone makes plans to go bowling on Saturday night. I have to say, this "informal bowling party" is a lot less informal than advertised. roseability_, j'accuse! Jessica pity-friends Lila (whose crush on Jake Hamilton appears to have come to a dead end), and she talks about how much she enjoys having a boyfriend. Liz realises that Jessica doesn't really like-like Todd and she gets pissed and slams the door of the dishwasher! Awesome, Liz! Well, awesome for you, anyway. Jessica: "Boy, I guess you really like-like Jim Sturbridge, huh?" The rest of the world: *facepalm*
A thrill of excitement is running through the Unicorner the following day: Lila wrote Jake Hamilton a note asking him if he was going to basketball practice, and he wrote one back saying yes. This is the greatest book ever. Lila says that she's going to put the note in her scrapbook along with her photo of Jake. Jessica immediately decides that she's going to get a scrapbook as well to track her growing relationship with Todd. I don't even have to snark at anything in this paragraph. I just have to describe the scene in all its glory.
Liz gets a note in her locker: "You look really pretty with your hair curled. - Your Secret Admirer." Liz and Amy wonder who could have written it. IT IS FROM TODD. Don't make me come in there, book. I've read Jasper Fforde. I know how to do it. Anyway, apparently the boys have been getting all up in Liz's fries, although the ghost-writer only mentions the geekiest guys in the school, so it's not that flattering. I'm just saying, but winning the affections of Winston Egbert wouldn't really convince me that I was a heart-breaker.
Pointless scene of Liz and Caroline Pearce, who has been filling her gossip column with news about Unicorn romances. Liz suggests that Caroline write about the school play. Wouldn't that be news rather than gossip? Whatever. Liz will soon learn her lesson when she writes her Eyes and Ears column in SVH. Speaking of gossip, the Unicorns spread a rumour that Liz got the makeover because she was looking for a boyfriend. Liz finds out and is horrified. She ties up her hair into a ponytail so that her schoolmates won't think her a loose woman. Amy tells her that it looked better down, which is kind of randomly bitchy.
The next day at school, the boys are still all over Liz. Colin Harmon invites her to go bowling with him. Winston Egbert is generally creepy. Randy Mason gives her a bracelet. Liz turns them all down as nicely as she can. She's a better person than I am. Twelve-year-old boy slobber, yuck. It just occurred to me that this book would be greatly improved with the addition of Bruce Patman, who is mysteriously absent for its entirety. He was so good at sleazily hitting on the sixth-graders, even when he was thirteen.
Saturday night is bowling night! Jessica bowls with Aaron Dallas and decides that she like-likes him. They were such a great couple. Why didn't Francine decide to let them date in the high school years? Liz bowls and strikes up conversation with Todd. She gets a strike and everyone cheers. He tells her she's hot. Todd is such a star-fucker. Liz: "But - aren't you in love with Jess?" Todd: "No! It is merely the fact that I am an adolescent boy (and therefore colossally retarded) that made my actions confusing to you!"
Liz is much cheered because she doesn't yet know that he's going to dump her for Lauren Hill in SVU. They go and get milk shakes. Then they MAKE OUT! Squee! Actually I'm lying - Todd just kisses her on the cheek, which is kind of a let-down after all the build-up. But he totally holds her hand on the way back to the bowling alley! They must get married so that her reputation isn't ruined.
That night at home, Liz tells Jessica that Todd kissed her and Jessica freaks. I think this is kind of dishonest of Liz, because she kind of implies there was some lip-on-lip action, which is patently false. Unless she and Todd got hot and heavy by the bowling balls, of course. Liz says that in the future, she's going to get the men by using her own natural charm rather than resorting to the Claire's-accessoried wiles of Jessica. Remember, kids:
Anyway, Jessica is pleased to have a cute boyfriend and Liz is pleased to have a punchy boyfriend so all in all there are happy endings all around! Hurrah!
B plot
Steven dates two chicks at the same time. Bow-chicka-bow-wow! One is whiny and has a Southern accent. The other is friendly and plays hockey. There isn't really much more to say: after a few "wacky", "hilarious" mishaps wherein the girls nearly find out about each other, Wakefield mater and pater come out of their parental coma to give some stern advice and he decides to stick with the hockey player. No one really cares because the Jill Hale books are coming up soon.
Upon reflection, the other book was better. There was Wakefield family scandal and a pool-push. What more could a person want?
Next up: Battle of the Cheerleaders. I've been saying that I would do this one forever, and I will. I'm worse at keeping promises than Jessica Wakefield.
The cover is possibly the worst bit about this book. Liz is pretty, in spite of her ugly dress. Todd, on the other hand, looks terrible. I admit that I am not a twelve-year-old girl and as such my tastes run a little differently, but how is Todd one of the cutest boys in sixth grade? He looks mildly retarded. I kid you not, I used to have an LJ userpic which used this particular picture of Todd, and I photoshopped the word "dork" on top of it. What a mouthbreather. Liz looks terrified. Look at those gritted teeth.
Can I also get a LOL for the tag-line? "Elizabeth is in love!" Way to exaggerate a twelve-year-old's crush, guys! You just know that it was switched from "Elizabeth and Todd sitting in a tree!" at the last moment. Liz would be so embarrassed if she saw this.
In conclusion I am not encouraged by the cover, but let's get on with it anyway.
A plot
Sweet Valley Middle School has gone boy-crazy! (Well, the girls have. The boys have gone girl-crazy.) Jessica plays messenger-girl for Mandy Miller and Peter Jeffries. Ken Matthews stops by after Booster practice to show Amy Sutton his new bicycle. (Compare this to Sweet Valley High, where Bruce Patman stops by after cheerleading practice to show Amy Sutton his penis.) Jake Hamilton smiles at Lila Fowler in the halls. And, of course, Elizabeth Wakefield like-likes Todd Wilkins. Yes, it's that sort of book. We are told that he's matured since the fourth grade. Five pages in and I'm giggling like mad! This doesn't bode well for the rest of the book.
But in the next scene, Jessica reveals that she like-likes Todd as well! Revel in the genius that is Francine Pascal, who has somehow managed to get her readers to buy the same book twice. I can't even be too angry. You have to admire that sort of chutzpah. However, I have to admit that while I love both this book and Double Love, it always annoyed me that the entire cast of Sweet Valley suffered collective amnesia about the fact that Liz and Todd were "sort-of" boyfriend and girlfriend in sixth grade. I know they retconned by introducing the SVJH series and Liz and Todd growing apart or whatever, but who even cares about those books?
Later that afternoon, Jessica and Ellen gossip on the phone about boys. Jessica is excited because she sees Todd riding his bike slowly past her house! I can't stop giggling again! Todd is hilariously creepy. I'm imagining him cycling along with the Vertigo theme music in the background. I admit that it probably wouldn't be as funny if it were anyone but Todd. Anyway, Jessica is disappointed when Ellen reveals that Rick Hunter gave her a piece of his candy bar at school: "Giving someone a candy bar was better than riding by on a bicycle." Amen, sistafriend. Giving someone a candy bar probably wouldn't indicate the beginning of a series of events which could escalate into your twin sister being stuffed into the boot of a car, for example.
Worried that Todd will never like-like her, Liz steals one of Jessica's fashion magazines. Jessica catches her when she goes into Liz's room to steal Liz's clothes. I put down the book and experience a rare moment of relief that I was an only child. Anyway, to Jessica's shock, Liz asks her for advice about boys, but she refuses to admit who her crush is. Jessica, you sweet fool, it's Todd! It's Liz and Todd who are meant to be together! I know it, Liz knows it, 1bruce1 knows it, your great-great grandparents knew it, Crazy Margo knows it, unborn children gestating in the wombs of blind women living in remote Mongolian caves know it! The only person who doesn't know it is you, apparently.
Jess tells Liz that attracting a boy can be difficult and each boy is different: different things will attract Randy Mason and Tom McKay. Unless Liz is hiding a pretty big secret in her mom-jeans, I think her chances of attracting Tom McKay are minimal whatever she does. That being said, this isn't terrible advice - I have to admit that I thought Jessica would just recommend the bend-and-snap routine. I kind of understand what she is getting at, although she doesn't phrase it very well. It is cool if you think you like someone to try and find out what things they're interested in - provided you're not forcing yourself to enjoy something you hate. ( Like Sophia Rizzo's mother and Chinese food, goddamnit.) Compare Jessica's advice to what Amy does in Amy's True Love: she runs around in circles trying to get Tom McKay to dance with her at the Beach Disco, when meanwhile he's interested in all this other stuff - jazz music, tennis, anal sex - that she doesn't even bother to find out about.
Anyway, Jessica gushes about her crush on Todd and how she's sure that Todd feels the same way. Just as in Double Love, Liz does the noble thing and steps to one side in order to let Jessica date Todd. This is an example of why I just can't be having with Liz. She's such a pushover, and her sister didn't even have to do anything. At least Jessica goes for the stuff she wants. (I know, I know, I'm such a defensive Jessica fan!) Liz is sad but figures that Todd probably does like-like Jessica, so she shouldn't bother. Damnit, Liz! Fight for your love! I want to see you and Todd having a scandalous affair in Sweet Valley Heights!
The next day, Jessica and her friends eat ice-cream at Casey's. I hate them all. I'm on a new year's diet and it is the WORST. I keep wanting to run out and buy tubes of paprika-flavour Pringles (clearly the greatest flavour, maligned as they are by everybody else) and eat them all in one go. Anyway, Jessica is annoyed because Ellen won't shut up about Rick and his candy bar. Hee. I still ship her with Winston, though. If they're not together in Sweet Valley Heights, I shall consider it one of Francine Pascal's greatest travesties.
Jessica gossips about her sister's secret crush, and the other Unicorns are amazed that Liz is actually even capable of like-liking someone. Ellen: "Elizabeth always pulls her hair back into a ponytail or puts barrettes in it like a little kid." You guys, is Ellen a member of 1bruce1? I bet she would make fun of Todd for being so punchy as well. The other girls get into the swing of this Liz-mocking, and Jessica lets out the sigh that only a twelve-year-old girl with an unfashionable sister can emit. Encouraged by Lila and Ellen, she decides to give Liz a makeover.
At home, Liz wonders out loud if she should get a perm. Liz, I think we all agreed that that isn't a good look for you. Jessica is encouraged by this, however, and proposes her offer of a makeover. Liz readily agrees and Jessica primps and grooms her sister for over an hour. Damn. Either Jess has more makeup available to her than any twelve-year-old girl in history, or Liz really needed some work done to her. Or maybe I'm just incredibly lazy with my personal upkeep. A dab of mascara and a couple of rounds with my hair-straighteners and I'm good to go. Anyway. Sadly, although this is a "makeover" book, the ghost-writer doesn't go crazy with the details and as such there isn't much to comment on. Boo, hiss, etc.
Liz washes the makeup off at the first opportunity, which is kind of bitchy, really.
The next day, however, Jessica makes her put on a hot dress and lots of makeup. Everyone at school thinks Liz is Jessica. If you have ever read a teen novel in your life wherein a Plain Jane gets a makeover and wins the hearts of all the boys, you will recognise the entirety of this sequence. On the other hand, if you were a Plain Jane yourself and attempted to get a makeover to win the hearts of all the boys, you will recognise none of this sequence. Yes, I'm speaking from experience. Everyone (male, female, student, teacher) thinks that Liz is a hottie. Good for her. I'm not bitter.
Mention of some Unicorn called "Billie Layton". I guess they changed her first name to Belinda later on in the series. Why am speculating about this? Nobody even cares about Billie. I hate myself for thinking about the minutiae of the Sweet Valley books. We really need to start a Sweet Valley Wiki so that trivia geeks (like me) can talk about this sort of stuff to their hearts' content rather than in the recaps.
Jessica catches up with Todd by the water fountain and the two of them have a cute conversation. Is it wrong that I kind of want them to get together? Quick, somebody slap me - I'm hysterical! But seriously, they smile at each other and stuff, which is a biggish deal when you're twelve. On the other hand, Todd doesn't know who Janet Howell is and thinks that Liz is a Unicorn. Is he new? Get with the program, Todd! Jeez. Jessica accuses him of stalking her. He doesn't say that he's actually stalking Liz, as he really should. Jessica is left feeling a little awkward and unsure if Todd really likes her, but she doesn't tell Liz that he tried to rape her or anything, at least.
At lunch, Lila challenges Jessica to sit with Todd, and Jessica, never one to refuse a dare, marches over to him. Todd, we are told, is sitting with his friends, Colin Harmon, Tom Sleeter, and Rick Hunter. Okay, I know that those first two characters haven't appeared at any other point in the series. Seriously, "Tom Sleeter"? He's like one of those people the characters on Friends invite to their birthday parties. It's annoying when the ghost-writers have Todd hanging out with the four other main boys in the series (Bruce, Winston, Ken, and Aaron) for no reason other than Francine didn't let them make up new peripheral characters, but at least I know who they are.
Anyway, the other Unicorns join them and the lunch is a triumph with Jessica leaving feeling happy and full. She and Todd wave goodbye to each other. Why is all the SVT romance so awesome (except, of course, for that horrific book where Jessica dates that high school boy and anything later than about book 80) and so good at pinning down accurately the way twelve-year-olds behave around the opposite sex? Theory: the SVT series was ACTUALLY WRITTEN BY GENUINE TWELVE-YEAR-OLDS?? I'm just throwin' that out there.
The Unicorns speculate about the identity of Liz's crush. We've been through this already, for fuck's sake. Jesus Christ. They establish that it isn't Jim Sturbridge. We know. Half of this book is told from Liz's point of view, and all she thinks about is her crush on Todd! She's practically wearing a "Mrs Todd Wilkins" t-shirt for all to see. Francine, you're breaking my heart here!
After school, Todd catches up with Liz at her locker. He asks her if she likes bowling. I squeak in excited anticipation, because I know what is coming. She says that she does but she's klutzy and not very good at it. She laughs nervously. Todd just walks away. Todd, you douche, Liz just put her heart on the line there! Liz starts to cry and thinks that she's ruined everything. Poor Liz. I am suddenly so nervous for her, in spite of the neck-crooking.
Everyone makes plans to go bowling on Saturday night. I have to say, this "informal bowling party" is a lot less informal than advertised. roseability_, j'accuse! Jessica pity-friends Lila (whose crush on Jake Hamilton appears to have come to a dead end), and she talks about how much she enjoys having a boyfriend. Liz realises that Jessica doesn't really like-like Todd and she gets pissed and slams the door of the dishwasher! Awesome, Liz! Well, awesome for you, anyway. Jessica: "Boy, I guess you really like-like Jim Sturbridge, huh?" The rest of the world: *facepalm*
A thrill of excitement is running through the Unicorner the following day: Lila wrote Jake Hamilton a note asking him if he was going to basketball practice, and he wrote one back saying yes. This is the greatest book ever. Lila says that she's going to put the note in her scrapbook along with her photo of Jake. Jessica immediately decides that she's going to get a scrapbook as well to track her growing relationship with Todd. I don't even have to snark at anything in this paragraph. I just have to describe the scene in all its glory.
Liz gets a note in her locker: "You look really pretty with your hair curled. - Your Secret Admirer." Liz and Amy wonder who could have written it. IT IS FROM TODD. Don't make me come in there, book. I've read Jasper Fforde. I know how to do it. Anyway, apparently the boys have been getting all up in Liz's fries, although the ghost-writer only mentions the geekiest guys in the school, so it's not that flattering. I'm just saying, but winning the affections of Winston Egbert wouldn't really convince me that I was a heart-breaker.
Pointless scene of Liz and Caroline Pearce, who has been filling her gossip column with news about Unicorn romances. Liz suggests that Caroline write about the school play. Wouldn't that be news rather than gossip? Whatever. Liz will soon learn her lesson when she writes her Eyes and Ears column in SVH. Speaking of gossip, the Unicorns spread a rumour that Liz got the makeover because she was looking for a boyfriend. Liz finds out and is horrified. She ties up her hair into a ponytail so that her schoolmates won't think her a loose woman. Amy tells her that it looked better down, which is kind of randomly bitchy.
The next day at school, the boys are still all over Liz. Colin Harmon invites her to go bowling with him. Winston Egbert is generally creepy. Randy Mason gives her a bracelet. Liz turns them all down as nicely as she can. She's a better person than I am. Twelve-year-old boy slobber, yuck. It just occurred to me that this book would be greatly improved with the addition of Bruce Patman, who is mysteriously absent for its entirety. He was so good at sleazily hitting on the sixth-graders, even when he was thirteen.
Saturday night is bowling night! Jessica bowls with Aaron Dallas and decides that she like-likes him. They were such a great couple. Why didn't Francine decide to let them date in the high school years? Liz bowls and strikes up conversation with Todd. She gets a strike and everyone cheers. He tells her she's hot. Todd is such a star-fucker. Liz: "But - aren't you in love with Jess?" Todd: "No! It is merely the fact that I am an adolescent boy (and therefore colossally retarded) that made my actions confusing to you!"
Liz is much cheered because she doesn't yet know that he's going to dump her for Lauren Hill in SVU. They go and get milk shakes. Then they MAKE OUT! Squee! Actually I'm lying - Todd just kisses her on the cheek, which is kind of a let-down after all the build-up. But he totally holds her hand on the way back to the bowling alley! They must get married so that her reputation isn't ruined.
That night at home, Liz tells Jessica that Todd kissed her and Jessica freaks. I think this is kind of dishonest of Liz, because she kind of implies there was some lip-on-lip action, which is patently false. Unless she and Todd got hot and heavy by the bowling balls, of course. Liz says that in the future, she's going to get the men by using her own natural charm rather than resorting to the Claire's-accessoried wiles of Jessica. Remember, kids:
Anyway, Jessica is pleased to have a cute boyfriend and Liz is pleased to have a punchy boyfriend so all in all there are happy endings all around! Hurrah!
B plot
Steven dates two chicks at the same time. Bow-chicka-bow-wow! One is whiny and has a Southern accent. The other is friendly and plays hockey. There isn't really much more to say: after a few "wacky", "hilarious" mishaps wherein the girls nearly find out about each other, Wakefield mater and pater come out of their parental coma to give some stern advice and he decides to stick with the hockey player. No one really cares because the Jill Hale books are coming up soon.
Upon reflection, the other book was better. There was Wakefield family scandal and a pool-push. What more could a person want?
Next up: Battle of the Cheerleaders. I've been saying that I would do this one forever, and I will. I'm worse at keeping promises than Jessica Wakefield.