SVT #46 Mademoiselle Jessica
This is one of my favourite SVT books, because it’s so damn ridiculous, and for once doesn’t involve anyone getting tormented. I forgot how little the essay competition features in the book - I suppose they had to allow time for judging and so forth.
But first - Europe. There is nowhere more exotic than Europe in Sweet Valley books. Home of exchange students, many of whom have secret torments, and like, not even tans! (The exception being Santa Dorean princes). Time and time again it crops up, and fails to crack me up. I particularly enjoyed SVH Jessica’s New Look, where Jessica decides she needs a new look and goes for a pretend French look, which involves reading Paris Match. In French. She probably just looked at the pictures. This is compounded by the fact that we would take school trips to France. Sweet Valley was so enamoured by it, but it took me two hours to get there!
The rules for the essay competition confuse me - they want an amazingly French family to go to France. Like, Francophiles? (that’s people who love France, not fascists) But surely it would be better to give it to a family who don’t know much about France so they can be dazzled by the sophistication? It’s also confusing that Le Teen magazine is looking for a American-style family - do they speak English at home and stay up late to watch baseball on minor satellite channels? On with the show!
A plot
Jessica is annoyed because Lila keeps boasting about her weekend in Hawaii with her father, and the sky box she’ll be watching hot new band Dynamo play from, which has waiter service and Close Circuit Television. This in particular is considered a really good feature, rather than just odd. But does your father love you, Lila? Does he love you? I used to have a friend who waitressed in sky boxes. She had utter contempt for the people who used them. Mostly business men.
Jessica has nothing to boast about, except a close loving family. And that’s so uncool! She flicks through Teenager magazine, sulking. She finds a competition called Win A Fabulous Week to Paris for You and Your Family! Note that she can’t read the fine print without being able to squint. Very important! The competition is in collaboration with the French edition, Le Teen. They’re looking for the perfect French and American families - over the page is a pre-addressed postage paid envelope and a blank page for the essay. Being bored and resentful, Jessica decides to write, just for fun, the perfect French family.
She keeps her mother basically the same - blonde, interior designer, but she cooks gourmet French food and loves the ballet. Very French. Actually, she’s prima ballerina at Sweet Valley Civic Ballet. Sweet Valley has its own ballet company?!
Her father is a high-powered lawyer, but also an artist who exhibits his French-influenced paintings at local galleries (actually her dad repaints furniture in the garage). He’s also a great father in general. The family is going to New York next year, so he can visit art galleries, her mother can study with a famous French chef and the twins can see all the Broadway shows. All of them!
Steven is lovely, as well as being the star member of the basketball team. But he is also a trombone virtuoso, and has formed his own jazz ensemble (because ensemble is a French word) which is touring the region. He’s actually Third Trombone in beginner’s band.
She keeps Elizabeth the same too - blonde, great student, column in the school paper (written in French). Jessica is also a great student, a member of the Boosters, and a member of the Unicorns. The Unicorns are a community service group, because the truth is embarrassing.
Oh, and everyone at home speaks French.
Once she finishes her fantasy family, Jessica skips off with Lila. Mrs Wakefield asks Elizabeth to post the letter on the counter, and spots Jessica’s entry form too. Being the helpful twin, she posts that too. NO! Jessica comes back, and realizes it was posted. Still, it could be worse.
Lila brags for the rest of the week, about a cordless phone (!) her father bought her. Oh, showing your age, Sweet Valley. The Unicorns are getting sick of it, and even Ellen manages a decent joke.
In volleyball Lila gets hit in the nose because she’s too busy boasting about her new charm bracelet. Not really important, but funny!
At the Unicorn meeting, Jessica gets a special delivery from Teenager Magazine. Knowing what it is, she has to open it in front of everyone. The Wakefields have been selected as finalists in their French family competition. A representative will come to visit in a few days. Uh-Oh! That sounds like a wacky situation! The Unicorns are tres excited.
Once the Unicorns have gone, Jessica reads the fine-print with a magnifying glass, finding the part about the visit. Lila comes back because she forgot something, and acts all assy and tells Jessica she won’t win. Flag. Bull. This is exactly what happened when Jessica though Elizabeth was trying to stop her running her shitty paper. Still, consistent.
Elizabeth runs in Brooke and asks her how her Unicorn meeting went (see below). Brooke mentions Jessica’s letter, and adds that Jessica had said she wasn’t going to tell her family straight away. So Brooke thought she’d mention it to Elizabeth. Well done there. Elizabeth is very concerned when she hears about the lying that has gone on.
By the way, Mrs Wakefield is decorating a house for Nick England, lead singer of Dynamo, the hot new rock band the kids are into. But we’re not going to tell Jessica, because she’ll freak out.
Jessica researches France. Probably starts with a map. Elizabeth confronts her about the contest - she explains. The best part is when Jessica says she was just playing around and Elizabeth replies “Playing around? With an official contest?” (italics in original) Official contests. Very serious business. Elizabeth wants Jessica to give it up, but Jessica thinks that their family is great anyway, so maybe they deserve to win. Just by the very nature of their existence. Also she wants to rub Lila’s nose in it. Oh, and she can’t remember everything she wrote on the form.
After dinner, Jessica gets a phone call. In French. She gets that it’s for her, so says there’s a lot of noise on her end (there is - Stephen is practising his trombone). The woman switches to English. She’s Marie Harris, from Teenager Magazine - she’s in Sweet Valley on Thursday night, so how’s that for meeting the Wakefields? They’re doing short notice so the families can’t do anything special. They just want to sit in a normal evening and take notes. That won’t change anyone’s behaviour. Jessica agrees.
After thinking for a very long time, Jessica comes up with a plan. A plan that will involve everyone in her family. This is my favourite part! She sells it to her family at breakfast, stressing the exciting trip to Paris part. They all have a good laugh at what Jessica wrote, and for some reason Mrs Wakefield supports Jessica, and decides they’ll do it. Once Jessica leaves, Mrs Wakefield decides that Jessica will learn a lesson about exaggeration. Exaggeration? Not vanity, or laziness or any of her other irritating character traits? Will a one-armed man be involved? Oh, and Ms Harris will be in on the plan, because she’s got nothing better to do than to teach a lying pre-teen a lesson.
Brooke, who is being maid for the night as a pledge (see B plot) is going to “help” the Wakefield family by giving them advice on how to be more French, seeing as she has officially stayed in France. The whole family is chipping in with ways to help. It’s quite touching, even though they’re doing it to teach Jessica a lesson. Like the book says: “Her family was a model family. They were as close to perfect as any family could be.”
Sorry, I just threw up all over my trousers.
Lila continues to be a bitch, saying that her family would win because they have a French gardener. Yes, you employ a French person. She gets all huffy when Jessica can’t go shopping with her. Lila is planning to buy Unicorn earrings which match the Unicorn ring she bought last week. Take that Jessica! Jessica goes home and cleans everything.
Brooke comes over to show everyone what clothes French people wear. She’s got loads of clothes she found in a trunk at her house. Jessica is going to wear a gauzy full-length magenta and orange skirt, with a magenta t-shirt. For accessories, she’ll have the green plastic bracelet and necklace Stephen brought their mother a few years ago, along with red tights and her ballet shoes. This is one thing that has been sorely lacking in SVT. Bad clothing descriptions, which are rife in Sweet Valley High.
Elizabeth has chosen purple jeans with double rhinestones down the seams. The sad thing is, I could imagine Jessica actually wearing these. Or maybe Ellen. She’s adding a black top, black boots and a purple scarf. Oh, and a black felt hat. Mrs Wakefield is wearing a denim skirt over her leotard (she is prima ballerina, remember) and some red legwarmers. And her silver Eiffel tower earrings.
Stephen will be wearing a black turtleneck sweater, a black leather vest (I believe that’s a waistcoat, for the British people in the audience) studded with silver and his black jeans. Sounds tough. And maybe a little gay (just the waistcoat).
the night of the dinner. Steven dirties up the house because his mother asked him to. For dinner they are having nouilles au fromage a la Elizabeth. That’s macaroni and cheese, kids! Ms Harris arrives. Jessica answers the door, speaking the tiny amount of French she knows. Ms Harris attempts to have an actual conversation with her, and Jessica responds with the weather is beautiful. Except it’s a downpour. Once in the living room, Elizabeth enters, and insists on pronouncing her name E-leez-ee-bet. Also introducing Brookette, the French maid, who calls everyone for dinner. At the table her father arrives, who is wearing a smock stained with paint, a beret and an artist’s brush behind his ear. And some onions around his neck. Well no, but you wouldn’t be surprised, would you?
Steven is playing the role of the surly teenager, with his hair slicked back to a point. He is a temperamental musician. Jessica thinks to herself since when was Steven a punk? And since when was your mother a ballerina and your father an artist? Realism isn’t exactly treasured in Jessica’s world.
Her mother comes in wearing an apron and a chef’s hat. She says “Hope you don’t mind if I wear my leotard to dinner. I just got home from the dance studio. But I still had time to whip up a gourmet French dinner.” She switches off the lights, and lights the candles. Steven complains, and gets a torch out of a cupboard so he can see his food. When it arrives, he pulls the pan towards him, piles up his food and gulps it down. Normal manners then. Side dishes are Epinards a la crème and Pain de carottes. Creamed spinach and carrot loaf. Stephen refuses to eat his vegetables, and announces he’s going upstairs to practice his trombone. By the way, dessert is jelly doughnuts flambé. A fusion dish, clearly.
Steven goes upstairs and plays a jazz cd - but then he starts practising for real! It is both loud and bad. After dinner Mr Wakefield takes everyone to his studio to see his new painting. It is “a muddy-looking mess of splotches and runny patches”. Jessica is deeply ashamed. Clearly she has no appreciation of modern art.
But there is more! Mrs Wakefield is going to perform a short ballet in the living room! I am so glad I found this book. The twins are going to show Ms Harris the house whilst Mrs Wakefield gets into costume. Sadly we don’t get to see her inspired choreography (I’m thinking something like Kate Bush, perhaps) because Jessica snaps and the jig is up.
Everybody laughs.
The family admits that it was joke to teach her a lesson about exaggeration. The lesson was don’t do it. Jessica explains what happened. Apparently they weren’t even eligible, because the twins had to be enrolled in French class at school, for some reason. Ms Harris remains good-natured throughout, despite having her time utterly wasted. Her mother suggests getting her eyes tested because she couldn’t see the fine print. But! There is a consolation prize for all finalists! Suddenly, the thought occurs to Jessica that Lila and Ellen were supposed to peek through the window to see Brooke playing maid. What if they saw that spectacle?
But the next day at school, Lila and Ellen hadn’t even got there, so she’s fine.
The consolation prize arrives. It’s a series of French lessons on cassette. Elizabeth, naturally, is thrilled.
Ps - remember Lila’s fancy skybox? It SUCKED. Jessica’s tickets, courtesy of her mother who did up Nick England’s house? ROCKED. It’s described as “the most exciting event of Jessica’s life”. Nick England asks for her BY NAME and gets her up on stage and dances with her. Nick England dances with a twelve-year-old on stage. Hot. Possibly non-legal.
B Plot
The Unicorns need new blood, in order to continue their reign of terror. Jessica was supposed to bring new character Brooke Dennis to their meeting at the Dairi Burger, but she wanted to do something more interesting with Elizabeth and Amy. The Unicorns think she would be the perfect new member. Mandy Miller is suggested (by Ellen, natch) but the Unicorns, horrified, shoot that idea down. She is too funny, and wears odd clothes. Far too individualistic to be a Unicorn. Brooke on the other hand, is the daughter of a screenwriter (apparently considered famous. Who can name a screenwriter who would be known be teenage girls?), and she once went to Paris. What’s with the obsession with Paris in young adult stuff? Also, Brooke (or rather, Brooke’s father) threw a great party the other week which the Wakefield family went to because Mrs Wakefield decorated his house, to which he invited the entire cast of his latest film, Car Capers. Possibly Brooke should keep her famous writer father quiet, if that’s the kind of dreck he’s churning out. Also I was under the impression that writers were pretty much ignored in Hollywood. Not only were the cast of some crappy film (probably co-starring Vin Diesel and Lindsay Lohan) present, but the hot new band Dynamo performed. SV ghost writers are incapable of making up cool band names.
Lila is certain Brooke wants to be a Unicorn, despite turning down a chance to join the Boosters because she wanted to write for the Sixers instead. She’ll call her tomorrow, and then discuss it with the Great Leader, Janet.
Meanwhile, Brooke is at the beach with Elizabeth and Jessica, discussing how creepy she finds the Unicorns and how self-absorbed Lila is. Brooke dislikes the Unicorns because they only asked her to join the Boosters so they got to meet Kent Kellerman, some soap star her dad knows. She’s decided to back off from her friendship with Lila and avoid invitations.
Lila calls Brooke. Brooke blathers about how great it is that the unicorns are expanding.
Janet oks Brooke’s admission. There is a SUPER SECRET Unicorns meeting to discuss it. But then Caroline Pearce finds out and tells Brooke. Caroline thinks becoming a Unicorn is a “big honour” and is clearly desperate to join.
The Unicorns discuss Brooke. By the way, her mother lives in France and Brooke speaks French. Probably important for later. It’s unanimous - everyone loves Brooke. Lila claims Brooke is dying to become a Unicorn. They decide to have a party and tell her she’s accepted there - Jessica’s house, Monday night! But let’s not forgot the all-important pledge task. A committee will discuss it. (Also, Betsy Gordon is a Unicorn - does she do something in SVH? Googling brings nothing)
Todd mentions the party at her house to Elizabeth - they tell Brooke about it. By the way, Todd is actually quite charming and likeable in this book. He must have had a bump on the head between these middle school and high school. Brooke decides to go to the meeting/party after Elizabeth tells her how boring the meeting she went to was. She’s doing it for the LULZ.
The pledge committee are predictably cruel. Possibilities - stealing Ms Langberg’s whistle; stealing Leslie Carlisle’s bra (she’s “very developed” for a girl her age -how nice) (Ellen comes up with that); drawing a cartoon of Mr Nydick and pinning it on his map so when he pulls it down everyone sees it (something like that happened in my school!). Then some boys come along, including Jessica’s boyfriend, Aaron Dallas (they met at the bowling party I mention later). For the record, Mary’s boyfriend is Peter Jeffries. I dimly recall him being cute but nerdy. Nice choice for Mary. Also with them is Rick Hunter, the boy Ellen likes and she most probably doesn’t stand a chance with. Maybe Ellen is highly developed for her age. There must be some reason she was allowed in the Unicorns. They all go to play Frisbee.
Party/meeting. Brooke acts surprised that the Unicorns invited a non-member. Janet does a speech about how great the Unicorns are. They tell Brooke she has to do a pledge, but they don’t have one yet. Brooke doesn’t know what to say. Ellen: “I can understand that. It’s a big responsibility to be a unicorn.” Brooke will think about it.
Jessica comes up with an appropriate, entirely self-serving pledge for Brooke. She has to wear a French maid’s outfit (not THAT sort of French maid outfit) and serve dinner at the Wakefields on Thursday. Ellen and Lila will drop by to witness it. Jessica considers this the “perfect plan”. Thankfully Jessica has never tried to rob a bank.
Jessica explains the pledge to Brooke. Because she’s supposed to be French, Brooke will have to call her “Brookette”. Fabulous.
After going through the whole charade, she is officially a Unicorn. Brooke rejects that honour. Brooke suggests that Lila tell the other Unicorns she’s allergic to purple, and that’s why she can’t join them.
Random Set-Up for Other Books
-Jessica squints to read the fine print in the competition - next edition she needs glasses.
-Elizabeth is glad she wore her favourite blue dress (the one Jessica wore to the dance?) and “took extra care with her hair” when she bumps into Todd - strangely there is no mention of their kiss from Elizabeth’s First Kiss (My official Favouritest SVT Book Ever as a ten-year-old). Apparently they’ve been good friends since an “informal bowling party” a few weeks ago, which I can’t decide is either charming or hilarious.
She’s also all happy when she comes home, because she played a quick game of basketball with Amy, Todd and Ken in the park. Elizabeth loves Todd!
-New unicorn member continues to be a plotline.
-Elizabeth proposes starting a new group called the Rhinos, because Rhinos have horns and are special because they’re endangered. No set-up there, it just amused me.
But first - Europe. There is nowhere more exotic than Europe in Sweet Valley books. Home of exchange students, many of whom have secret torments, and like, not even tans! (The exception being Santa Dorean princes). Time and time again it crops up, and fails to crack me up. I particularly enjoyed SVH Jessica’s New Look, where Jessica decides she needs a new look and goes for a pretend French look, which involves reading Paris Match. In French. She probably just looked at the pictures. This is compounded by the fact that we would take school trips to France. Sweet Valley was so enamoured by it, but it took me two hours to get there!
The rules for the essay competition confuse me - they want an amazingly French family to go to France. Like, Francophiles? (that’s people who love France, not fascists) But surely it would be better to give it to a family who don’t know much about France so they can be dazzled by the sophistication? It’s also confusing that Le Teen magazine is looking for a American-style family - do they speak English at home and stay up late to watch baseball on minor satellite channels? On with the show!
A plot
Jessica is annoyed because Lila keeps boasting about her weekend in Hawaii with her father, and the sky box she’ll be watching hot new band Dynamo play from, which has waiter service and Close Circuit Television. This in particular is considered a really good feature, rather than just odd. But does your father love you, Lila? Does he love you? I used to have a friend who waitressed in sky boxes. She had utter contempt for the people who used them. Mostly business men.
Jessica has nothing to boast about, except a close loving family. And that’s so uncool! She flicks through Teenager magazine, sulking. She finds a competition called Win A Fabulous Week to Paris for You and Your Family! Note that she can’t read the fine print without being able to squint. Very important! The competition is in collaboration with the French edition, Le Teen. They’re looking for the perfect French and American families - over the page is a pre-addressed postage paid envelope and a blank page for the essay. Being bored and resentful, Jessica decides to write, just for fun, the perfect French family.
She keeps her mother basically the same - blonde, interior designer, but she cooks gourmet French food and loves the ballet. Very French. Actually, she’s prima ballerina at Sweet Valley Civic Ballet. Sweet Valley has its own ballet company?!
Her father is a high-powered lawyer, but also an artist who exhibits his French-influenced paintings at local galleries (actually her dad repaints furniture in the garage). He’s also a great father in general. The family is going to New York next year, so he can visit art galleries, her mother can study with a famous French chef and the twins can see all the Broadway shows. All of them!
Steven is lovely, as well as being the star member of the basketball team. But he is also a trombone virtuoso, and has formed his own jazz ensemble (because ensemble is a French word) which is touring the region. He’s actually Third Trombone in beginner’s band.
She keeps Elizabeth the same too - blonde, great student, column in the school paper (written in French). Jessica is also a great student, a member of the Boosters, and a member of the Unicorns. The Unicorns are a community service group, because the truth is embarrassing.
Oh, and everyone at home speaks French.
Once she finishes her fantasy family, Jessica skips off with Lila. Mrs Wakefield asks Elizabeth to post the letter on the counter, and spots Jessica’s entry form too. Being the helpful twin, she posts that too. NO! Jessica comes back, and realizes it was posted. Still, it could be worse.
Lila brags for the rest of the week, about a cordless phone (!) her father bought her. Oh, showing your age, Sweet Valley. The Unicorns are getting sick of it, and even Ellen manages a decent joke.
In volleyball Lila gets hit in the nose because she’s too busy boasting about her new charm bracelet. Not really important, but funny!
At the Unicorn meeting, Jessica gets a special delivery from Teenager Magazine. Knowing what it is, she has to open it in front of everyone. The Wakefields have been selected as finalists in their French family competition. A representative will come to visit in a few days. Uh-Oh! That sounds like a wacky situation! The Unicorns are tres excited.
Once the Unicorns have gone, Jessica reads the fine-print with a magnifying glass, finding the part about the visit. Lila comes back because she forgot something, and acts all assy and tells Jessica she won’t win. Flag. Bull. This is exactly what happened when Jessica though Elizabeth was trying to stop her running her shitty paper. Still, consistent.
Elizabeth runs in Brooke and asks her how her Unicorn meeting went (see below). Brooke mentions Jessica’s letter, and adds that Jessica had said she wasn’t going to tell her family straight away. So Brooke thought she’d mention it to Elizabeth. Well done there. Elizabeth is very concerned when she hears about the lying that has gone on.
By the way, Mrs Wakefield is decorating a house for Nick England, lead singer of Dynamo, the hot new rock band the kids are into. But we’re not going to tell Jessica, because she’ll freak out.
Jessica researches France. Probably starts with a map. Elizabeth confronts her about the contest - she explains. The best part is when Jessica says she was just playing around and Elizabeth replies “Playing around? With an official contest?” (italics in original) Official contests. Very serious business. Elizabeth wants Jessica to give it up, but Jessica thinks that their family is great anyway, so maybe they deserve to win. Just by the very nature of their existence. Also she wants to rub Lila’s nose in it. Oh, and she can’t remember everything she wrote on the form.
After dinner, Jessica gets a phone call. In French. She gets that it’s for her, so says there’s a lot of noise on her end (there is - Stephen is practising his trombone). The woman switches to English. She’s Marie Harris, from Teenager Magazine - she’s in Sweet Valley on Thursday night, so how’s that for meeting the Wakefields? They’re doing short notice so the families can’t do anything special. They just want to sit in a normal evening and take notes. That won’t change anyone’s behaviour. Jessica agrees.
After thinking for a very long time, Jessica comes up with a plan. A plan that will involve everyone in her family. This is my favourite part! She sells it to her family at breakfast, stressing the exciting trip to Paris part. They all have a good laugh at what Jessica wrote, and for some reason Mrs Wakefield supports Jessica, and decides they’ll do it. Once Jessica leaves, Mrs Wakefield decides that Jessica will learn a lesson about exaggeration. Exaggeration? Not vanity, or laziness or any of her other irritating character traits? Will a one-armed man be involved? Oh, and Ms Harris will be in on the plan, because she’s got nothing better to do than to teach a lying pre-teen a lesson.
Brooke, who is being maid for the night as a pledge (see B plot) is going to “help” the Wakefield family by giving them advice on how to be more French, seeing as she has officially stayed in France. The whole family is chipping in with ways to help. It’s quite touching, even though they’re doing it to teach Jessica a lesson. Like the book says: “Her family was a model family. They were as close to perfect as any family could be.”
Sorry, I just threw up all over my trousers.
Lila continues to be a bitch, saying that her family would win because they have a French gardener. Yes, you employ a French person. She gets all huffy when Jessica can’t go shopping with her. Lila is planning to buy Unicorn earrings which match the Unicorn ring she bought last week. Take that Jessica! Jessica goes home and cleans everything.
Brooke comes over to show everyone what clothes French people wear. She’s got loads of clothes she found in a trunk at her house. Jessica is going to wear a gauzy full-length magenta and orange skirt, with a magenta t-shirt. For accessories, she’ll have the green plastic bracelet and necklace Stephen brought their mother a few years ago, along with red tights and her ballet shoes. This is one thing that has been sorely lacking in SVT. Bad clothing descriptions, which are rife in Sweet Valley High.
Elizabeth has chosen purple jeans with double rhinestones down the seams. The sad thing is, I could imagine Jessica actually wearing these. Or maybe Ellen. She’s adding a black top, black boots and a purple scarf. Oh, and a black felt hat. Mrs Wakefield is wearing a denim skirt over her leotard (she is prima ballerina, remember) and some red legwarmers. And her silver Eiffel tower earrings.
Stephen will be wearing a black turtleneck sweater, a black leather vest (I believe that’s a waistcoat, for the British people in the audience) studded with silver and his black jeans. Sounds tough. And maybe a little gay (just the waistcoat).
the night of the dinner. Steven dirties up the house because his mother asked him to. For dinner they are having nouilles au fromage a la Elizabeth. That’s macaroni and cheese, kids! Ms Harris arrives. Jessica answers the door, speaking the tiny amount of French she knows. Ms Harris attempts to have an actual conversation with her, and Jessica responds with the weather is beautiful. Except it’s a downpour. Once in the living room, Elizabeth enters, and insists on pronouncing her name E-leez-ee-bet. Also introducing Brookette, the French maid, who calls everyone for dinner. At the table her father arrives, who is wearing a smock stained with paint, a beret and an artist’s brush behind his ear. And some onions around his neck. Well no, but you wouldn’t be surprised, would you?
Steven is playing the role of the surly teenager, with his hair slicked back to a point. He is a temperamental musician. Jessica thinks to herself since when was Steven a punk? And since when was your mother a ballerina and your father an artist? Realism isn’t exactly treasured in Jessica’s world.
Her mother comes in wearing an apron and a chef’s hat. She says “Hope you don’t mind if I wear my leotard to dinner. I just got home from the dance studio. But I still had time to whip up a gourmet French dinner.” She switches off the lights, and lights the candles. Steven complains, and gets a torch out of a cupboard so he can see his food. When it arrives, he pulls the pan towards him, piles up his food and gulps it down. Normal manners then. Side dishes are Epinards a la crème and Pain de carottes. Creamed spinach and carrot loaf. Stephen refuses to eat his vegetables, and announces he’s going upstairs to practice his trombone. By the way, dessert is jelly doughnuts flambé. A fusion dish, clearly.
Steven goes upstairs and plays a jazz cd - but then he starts practising for real! It is both loud and bad. After dinner Mr Wakefield takes everyone to his studio to see his new painting. It is “a muddy-looking mess of splotches and runny patches”. Jessica is deeply ashamed. Clearly she has no appreciation of modern art.
But there is more! Mrs Wakefield is going to perform a short ballet in the living room! I am so glad I found this book. The twins are going to show Ms Harris the house whilst Mrs Wakefield gets into costume. Sadly we don’t get to see her inspired choreography (I’m thinking something like Kate Bush, perhaps) because Jessica snaps and the jig is up.
Everybody laughs.
The family admits that it was joke to teach her a lesson about exaggeration. The lesson was don’t do it. Jessica explains what happened. Apparently they weren’t even eligible, because the twins had to be enrolled in French class at school, for some reason. Ms Harris remains good-natured throughout, despite having her time utterly wasted. Her mother suggests getting her eyes tested because she couldn’t see the fine print. But! There is a consolation prize for all finalists! Suddenly, the thought occurs to Jessica that Lila and Ellen were supposed to peek through the window to see Brooke playing maid. What if they saw that spectacle?
But the next day at school, Lila and Ellen hadn’t even got there, so she’s fine.
The consolation prize arrives. It’s a series of French lessons on cassette. Elizabeth, naturally, is thrilled.
Ps - remember Lila’s fancy skybox? It SUCKED. Jessica’s tickets, courtesy of her mother who did up Nick England’s house? ROCKED. It’s described as “the most exciting event of Jessica’s life”. Nick England asks for her BY NAME and gets her up on stage and dances with her. Nick England dances with a twelve-year-old on stage. Hot. Possibly non-legal.
B Plot
The Unicorns need new blood, in order to continue their reign of terror. Jessica was supposed to bring new character Brooke Dennis to their meeting at the Dairi Burger, but she wanted to do something more interesting with Elizabeth and Amy. The Unicorns think she would be the perfect new member. Mandy Miller is suggested (by Ellen, natch) but the Unicorns, horrified, shoot that idea down. She is too funny, and wears odd clothes. Far too individualistic to be a Unicorn. Brooke on the other hand, is the daughter of a screenwriter (apparently considered famous. Who can name a screenwriter who would be known be teenage girls?), and she once went to Paris. What’s with the obsession with Paris in young adult stuff? Also, Brooke (or rather, Brooke’s father) threw a great party the other week which the Wakefield family went to because Mrs Wakefield decorated his house, to which he invited the entire cast of his latest film, Car Capers. Possibly Brooke should keep her famous writer father quiet, if that’s the kind of dreck he’s churning out. Also I was under the impression that writers were pretty much ignored in Hollywood. Not only were the cast of some crappy film (probably co-starring Vin Diesel and Lindsay Lohan) present, but the hot new band Dynamo performed. SV ghost writers are incapable of making up cool band names.
Lila is certain Brooke wants to be a Unicorn, despite turning down a chance to join the Boosters because she wanted to write for the Sixers instead. She’ll call her tomorrow, and then discuss it with the Great Leader, Janet.
Meanwhile, Brooke is at the beach with Elizabeth and Jessica, discussing how creepy she finds the Unicorns and how self-absorbed Lila is. Brooke dislikes the Unicorns because they only asked her to join the Boosters so they got to meet Kent Kellerman, some soap star her dad knows. She’s decided to back off from her friendship with Lila and avoid invitations.
Lila calls Brooke. Brooke blathers about how great it is that the unicorns are expanding.
Janet oks Brooke’s admission. There is a SUPER SECRET Unicorns meeting to discuss it. But then Caroline Pearce finds out and tells Brooke. Caroline thinks becoming a Unicorn is a “big honour” and is clearly desperate to join.
The Unicorns discuss Brooke. By the way, her mother lives in France and Brooke speaks French. Probably important for later. It’s unanimous - everyone loves Brooke. Lila claims Brooke is dying to become a Unicorn. They decide to have a party and tell her she’s accepted there - Jessica’s house, Monday night! But let’s not forgot the all-important pledge task. A committee will discuss it. (Also, Betsy Gordon is a Unicorn - does she do something in SVH? Googling brings nothing)
Todd mentions the party at her house to Elizabeth - they tell Brooke about it. By the way, Todd is actually quite charming and likeable in this book. He must have had a bump on the head between these middle school and high school. Brooke decides to go to the meeting/party after Elizabeth tells her how boring the meeting she went to was. She’s doing it for the LULZ.
The pledge committee are predictably cruel. Possibilities - stealing Ms Langberg’s whistle; stealing Leslie Carlisle’s bra (she’s “very developed” for a girl her age -how nice) (Ellen comes up with that); drawing a cartoon of Mr Nydick and pinning it on his map so when he pulls it down everyone sees it (something like that happened in my school!). Then some boys come along, including Jessica’s boyfriend, Aaron Dallas (they met at the bowling party I mention later). For the record, Mary’s boyfriend is Peter Jeffries. I dimly recall him being cute but nerdy. Nice choice for Mary. Also with them is Rick Hunter, the boy Ellen likes and she most probably doesn’t stand a chance with. Maybe Ellen is highly developed for her age. There must be some reason she was allowed in the Unicorns. They all go to play Frisbee.
Party/meeting. Brooke acts surprised that the Unicorns invited a non-member. Janet does a speech about how great the Unicorns are. They tell Brooke she has to do a pledge, but they don’t have one yet. Brooke doesn’t know what to say. Ellen: “I can understand that. It’s a big responsibility to be a unicorn.” Brooke will think about it.
Jessica comes up with an appropriate, entirely self-serving pledge for Brooke. She has to wear a French maid’s outfit (not THAT sort of French maid outfit) and serve dinner at the Wakefields on Thursday. Ellen and Lila will drop by to witness it. Jessica considers this the “perfect plan”. Thankfully Jessica has never tried to rob a bank.
Jessica explains the pledge to Brooke. Because she’s supposed to be French, Brooke will have to call her “Brookette”. Fabulous.
After going through the whole charade, she is officially a Unicorn. Brooke rejects that honour. Brooke suggests that Lila tell the other Unicorns she’s allergic to purple, and that’s why she can’t join them.
Random Set-Up for Other Books
-Jessica squints to read the fine print in the competition - next edition she needs glasses.
-Elizabeth is glad she wore her favourite blue dress (the one Jessica wore to the dance?) and “took extra care with her hair” when she bumps into Todd - strangely there is no mention of their kiss from Elizabeth’s First Kiss (My official Favouritest SVT Book Ever as a ten-year-old). Apparently they’ve been good friends since an “informal bowling party” a few weeks ago, which I can’t decide is either charming or hilarious.
She’s also all happy when she comes home, because she played a quick game of basketball with Amy, Todd and Ken in the park. Elizabeth loves Todd!
-New unicorn member continues to be a plotline.
-Elizabeth proposes starting a new group called the Rhinos, because Rhinos have horns and are special because they’re endangered. No set-up there, it just amused me.