#59: In Love Again
Hi, first-time recapper here! It’s like the first day at school, I’m all nervous. Since my mother threw out my old SVH collection, I’m going to make do with whatever I can find in the charity shops. So far I’ve found... well, this one. Bear with me, it’s stupidly long. I don’t have the art of concise recapping down yet.
The cover is less frightening than normal, although the artist has made quite a shocking error. I couldn’t find a picture, but Todd has been given BLUE eyes. No, no, artist! Todd has coffee-brown eyes. Elizabeth and Jessica have ocean eyes, Todd has caffeine eyes. Come on now, this is basic stuff.
Now, it’s been a while since I last read SVH, so I’d sort of forgotten how truly appalling the writing is. We open on Jess and her friends in the cafeteria, and Lila says: “I don’t believe it! Are you seriously telling me that everything that happened in the last book just happened? This isn’t an awkward opening at all!” Well, OK, she didn’t say that. But I bet she was thinking it.
So Liz and Todd are back together, and Jeffrey has been consigned to Liz’s Ex-Boyfriend Heap of Sadness. Jess is really pleased, because she gets to tell people about it, and she loves to be in the middle of everything. “Right now, she was more than in the middle of the action - she was its twin!” If Liz is “the action” we might as well all kill ourselves right now. I have cyanide pills.
We get a recap of the Liz/Todd situation. Todd is back and Liz has dumped Jeffrey for him. Charming. Amy says that Todd is cuter than Jeffrey, and Jess is disgusted that Amy would think it’s all about looks. Yeah, Amy. Remember the ugly guys Jess dated because they were really sweet and... oh. Sorry. Forget that. No, it’s not all about looks. Todd’s father is now president of Varitronics and is practically a millionaire. Oh, so it’s about money. Gotcha. Todd’s father has transferred him to a really swanky private school, Lovett Academy, too. Lila tells us about it, because she knows about things like that. Apparently the only reason she doesn’t go there is because “Daddy thinks it’s important for me to learn about the real world.” Oh, he does not. Daddy has never once made any kind of decision relating to Lila’s growth and wellbeing, because he is a horrible person. Jessica wants to go to the swanky school because it’s full of cute rich guys. Then on the same double page, we hear about Skip Harmon and Sheffield Eastman. Skip and Sheffield? What the hell kind of names are those? It sounds like a crap satellite TV show where a zany kangaroo comes to live with a pretentious nitwit. Sheffield - no, I’m sorry, nobody is called Sheffield. I’m not having it. You cannot name people after towns famous for their steel industries. I’ll call him Shef instead. Shef turned out to be a complete waste of Jess’s time, because he, like, wanted to do charity work and shit. Boo, Shef, boo! Jess still wants to go to the poncy private school, and her friends laugh at her.
Over the other side of the cafeteria, we find Liz and Enid. Jess comes over to them, and Enid says, “Here comes trouble. Trouble with a capital T, and that stands for Twin.” Hee hee, Enid is Professor Harold Hill. We get the so alike and yet so different/blue eyes/blonde hair/size six stuff. Liz patronises Jess a bit in her mind. Jess wants to know about Lovett Academy. Liz patronises Jess out loud. Jess stomps off.
English class. Liz just can’t seem to keep her mind on the poem Mr Collins is discussing. I bet she can’t. Eh, Liz? Oh, she’s just thinking about Todd. That’s much less interesting. Liz wasn’t expecting to fall in love with Todd again, and is sad that she had to hurt Jeffrey. Yawn. Liz, you fall in love with someone who’s not your boyfriend ever other freaking book. The only difference is that you’re usually leaving Todd for someone else, not the other way round. I swear I used to think of Liz as being all sweet and loyal when I was younger, but she’s kind of a tramp, really. Liz gets all misty-eyed thinking about how selfless Jeffrey was, because he could easily have “conspired to keep Elizabeth and Todd apart.” I love how this is totally the normal thing to do in Sweet Valley. Liz moons about annoyingly, and the chapter ends. Jesus, I’m going to have to speed it up a bit.
Liz drives Jess to the library so she can research Lovett Academy. Liz, who knows everything, tells Jess that Lovett isn’t the right place for her. Or Todd. Someone who went to that school was once mean to Liz, which means the whole place should be burned down and the ground salted. Jess has seen Jeffrey walking around looking sad. Liz is cross that anyone still remembers Jeffrey - after all, she hurt him and he hasn’t thanked her for it. Well, don’t they, usually? She gets cross again at the idea of Jeffrey getting a new girlfriend, because she still likes him too. I would quite like to slap Liz. Jess says that Jeffrey is bland and Todd is fantastic. HAH! Jeffrey is bland! Unlike Mr. Excitement himself, Todd Save The Whales Wilkins. I’m recapping as I read, and I’m going to have to take a break and giggle for a moment.
Alright. The Wakefields are eating dinner. Alice is being Stepford-y and has made dinner after a ten-hour working day. But it’s alright, because Liz helped. Liz is shocked that Jess doesn’t admit to not helping. Has she ever met Jess? Jess wants to go to Lovett (yes, we know), and it’s very expensive but that doesn’t seem to matter, because Ned and Alice can easily afford it and “have never felt strongly one way or the other” about it. Do these people give a shit about anything their daughters do?
Liz goes to Todd’s new house. It’s big. She’s nervous because Todd’s family have moved up in the world a bit. I’m not sure why Liz cares about this. She and Todd hug. Liz has brought over some homework. No, really, she has. Todd suggests they watch a film his father videotaped instead. OK, you’ve moved into a mansion and you’re still too cheap to actually buy films. Todd and his dad are both losers. Todd wants to go to Secca Lake tomorrow, but Liz has an Oracle meeting. Todd is upset and acts co-dependent and weird. Liz agrees to leave the meeting early because Todd is all that matters. Liz, get a clue. I can’t believe I said ‘get a clue’. I’m English.
Liz goes to the Oracle meeting and runs into Jeffrey. There’s a bit of awkwardness before they’re interrupted. They go into the office, where Olivia remarks that Liz got “pounded on” in maths. Huh? Does Mr Collins teach maths now? No, turns out Liz hadn’t done her homework. Oh, that naughty Todd! Recklessly casting aside Liz’s homework! The meeting is boring, and Liz leaves early. Penny is disappointed in Liz.
Jess goes on about Lovett some more.
Liz and Todd meet. Todd says “Do you have any idea how wonderful it is to see you?” which makes me feel as though he’s taking the piss out of her, or is her elderly grandfather. They talk about Lovett, and our old friend Shef comes up again. Both of them moon about and annoy me.
Penny calls Liz into the Oracle office and tells her off for slacking. She says things like “Are you starting to feel you have too many other commitments to manage your column?” No sixteen-year-old speaks like that. My careers advisor spoke like that. Todd and Liz talk, and he’s also been told off for slacking. They agree to stop slacking. Good grief, this is dull.
We meet Courtney Kane, a girl that Todd dared to reject. This is because she sucks; the ghostwriter is quite clear on this point. Courtney doesn’t speak like a sixteen-year-old either. Imagine a moustache-twirling villain in a silent film. Imagine that the little captions were written by Elizabeth Wakefield. That’s more or less how Courtney speaks. Anyway, Courtney is cross about Liz and Todd and wants her ‘revenge’. We randomly go to her house and hear about a plot contrivance, sorry, inter-school Olympics. Courtney thinks this is a great opportunity to humiliate Liz and Todd. Courtney is a loser. So she and Todd probably would have made a good couple.
Jess is studying for the Lovett exams. Liz comes in and patronises her. I am so sick of Liz. Can we have some scenes without her now, please?
No, apparently we can’t. A special assembly has been called to announce this stupid Olympics thing. Jess thinks she should be on the Lovett team, and Liz hopes that Lovett aren’t involved, because she doesn’t want to compete against Todd. Of course, Lovett are involved, and there are several boring discussions about picking teams and how Sweet Valley is totally going to beat every other school. I’m glad we don’t really do school spirit here, because it sure is annoying.
Liz is upset. Lovett is the wrong place for Todd because Liz has met a couple of people from there and they aren’t really to her taste. She doesn’t want to associate with them, and Todd feels she’s not giving them a chance. Is he right? asks Enid. No, says Liz, and that’s the end of that. She goes to meet Todd at Lovett, and they see Courtney Kane. She is both attractive and brunette, so we know she’s a bitch. Courtney disses Liz’s outfit, continuing to sound not quite human. She invites Todd to a party and is rude to Liz. Courtney is a little desperate. Liz says Courtney probably meant to be friendly. She says this because someone accused her of not being perfect a minute ago. Todd says, “Typical Liz! You always manage to see the best in everyone!” HAH! I really hope this was the ghostwriter’s attempt at satire. Liz stresses about Courtney.
Liz is going to the country club with Todd, and grouses about it. Jess tells her she’s lucky. I think this scene is meant to be showing me how shallow Jess is compared to Liz, who is totally real and sees through all the emptiness of money and power, but it’s not working. Liz is so bloody grumpy in this book. She drives to the country club with Todd and gets angsty because Todd’s car has a CD player. Head, meet desk. Liz doesn’t like Lovett people and Todd does, blah blah blah. We meet someone called Campbell Rochester. Why can’t posh men have normal first names? Why do they have to have two surnames or a place in England? I’m a little concerned that we’re going to meet a Chipping Sodbury by the end of the book. Anyway, “Campbell” is Courtney’s date. He winks at Elizabeth, who immediately decides she never wants to see him again. What? Liz thinks the country club is ridiculous and doesn’t want to play golf. She speaks to a guy from SVH who is a caddy, and some of the girls snicker. They make a remark about “hired help”. It’s all kind of unpleasant, but I’m almost feeling sorry for the posh people. Why are they speaking like they’ve been badly translated from the Korean? We discover that “Campbell” is a lecherous, pompous, badly-translated arse. Courtney sees him and is cross with Liz. Shef crops up again. Liz and Todd leave. Todd didn’t have any fun. Neither did I.
Jess has heard of “Campbell” and is excited that Liz got to meet him. Liz is still being moody. The stupid Olympics comes up again, and we find out who’s doing what. Olivia is doing the spelling bee. What sort of Olympics is this? Liz is on the relay team with Jeffrey! However will she cope? She might have to - gasp - pass him something! Todd, in a move that will shock all of you, is on Lovett’s relay team. I don’t understand why this competition doesn’t have basketball but does have a spelling bee. There is a deathly boring relay-practice scene, notably only for Jeffrey calling Liz “loyal”. Snerk.
Todd is late to meet Liz. She’s cross. More “is Todd getting snobby” stuff. They fight again. Todd gets really angry and his knuckles turn white. That’s a bit of a dodgy description to throw in there - I have a vague recollection of thinking he was about to punch her. Of course, I might just have been a disturbed child. Todd and Liz break up.
Enid can’t believe Todd and Liz broke up. Why not? She’s seen it enough. Liz goes to relay practice. The relay involves a three-legged race, an egg-and-spoon race and a rope climb. Huh? I thought a relay was just running and passing a stick. I’ve never seen a rope climb in a relay race.
Courtney hates relay races. She also hates Todd. Except she doesn’t. It seems Elizabeth is the only one she really hates, because Todd is rich and cute. Courtney asks Todd out, and acts pathetic and delusional. I think they were going for “intimidating and evil”, though. Oh well. Todd has to do the rope climb, much to nobody’s surprise. Courtney is now “the most avid fan of rope-climbing at Lovett academy.” Courtney is starting to remind me of Crazy Margo. Courtney accidentally reveals her plan to get her dad to rig the race. Oh, Courtney, you and your crazy schemes. I bet deep down, you really want to be Liz. After all, doesn’t everybody?
Liz can’t climb the rope. She complains that there aren’t any footholds. Jeffrey says, “I guess that’s how rope-climbing works.” Heh.
Another random visit to Courtney’s house. Her dad is one of the judges. That’s got to be a conflict of interest, surely. He says he’s going to judge the competition fairly, and Courtney gets cross. OK, Courtney is definitely an early Crazy Margo.
Liz tells Jess - who is still studying - that she and Todd broke up, because Todd is a totally different person now. Jess suggests, rather pragmatically, that she go back to Jeffrey. I love Jess’s advice. But no, Liz wants to be with Todd, so long as he becomes what Liz would prefer him to be. She can’t apologise to Todd, because her apology would be “I’m sorry you suck as a human being now.” Liz thinks it’s hopeless. I think Liz is hopeless.
Jess bunks off school to go to her Lovett interview. Obviously, the interviewer is stuffy, the school is stuffy and Jess can’t think of any reasons why the school would want her. I don’t believe that Jess wouldn’t have been able to bullshit her way through that. Jess realises she doesn’t want to go to Lovett because they’re all about, like, academics, but she has to get in or else Lila and Amy will tease her. That’s kind of stupid, Jess. Todd comes up to her and wants to know if Liz has said anything about him. Jess says no. Go Jess! She gets home and Liz makes her recap the thirty-second exchange again and again. Liz, you’re pathetic. I turn the page and Jess says, “Liz, you’re pathetic.” Go Jess again! Liz doesn’t bother to ask Jess about her interview and whinges some more.
Stupid Courtney is trying to come up with ‘ideas’ to ensure that Lovett win the dumb Olympics. She actually has a pad and pen out. I’m kind of concerned that this is her idea of ‘revenge’. Her friend tells her that cheating is a bad idea. Courtney rants about Sweet Valley and Liz, and her friend doesn’t get what the problem is. Finally, a posh person sounds normal! It’s a shame that the friend’s name is Dominique and I’ve just finished watching America’s Next Top Model. It’s confusing me a little as on that show, Dominique was the crazy delusional one. Courtney tells Dominique that she’s stupid, nobody wins fair and square, rant rant rant where’s my butcher knife. Dominique thinks Courtney knows more than she does. Courtney offers her a sweater if she’ll help. Dominique is all for it, so she is kind of stupid after all.
The big day arrives. Courtney gets to the competition field early and runs into Todd. She says they’re going to win, and Todd says SVH might. Courtney doesn’t like that Todd is still loyal to SVH. She actually thinks, “It was so tedious the way he went on and on about it.” HAH! If that was satire, then ten points to the ghostwriter. Courtney drones on a bit in this vein (apparently, Todd is a bore. Who knew?), and then we go to the events. Lovett wins the swimming, SVH wins the tennis. Then we go over to the College Bowl, which, for dumb foreigners like me, appears to be some sort of quiz as opposed to a bowling tournament. Courtney has got hold of the answers, and will signal ‘true’ or ‘false’ for the Lovett competitors. True or false? Aren’t they meant to be sixteen? I’m sure they can cope with proper questions.
Alright, I read ahead a little. These are the questions:
“The highest mountain in the world is Mount Kilimanjaro. True or false?”
“The man who made these words famous: ‘that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’ was Neil Armstrong. True or False?” - and they didn’t know it! Courtney had to get it out of the book and signal! Dimwits.
“Rock and roll singer Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman. True or false?” Courtney knows that, cause she’s down with popular music. The follow up is: “One of Mr. Dylan’s hit songs claims that ‘the answer is blowing in the wind.’ True or false?”
“A United States senator may only serve two terms. True or false?”
“Water boils at two hundred and twelve degrees centigrade. True or false?”
Then Lila says: “These questions are a lot harder than I thought!” Excuse me, I have to go and cry for a minute. Please reassure me: Sixteen-year-old Americans know the answers to these questions, right? Right? Jess notices the signalling, but doesn’t want to make a fuss at Lovett before she’s even started. Because she’s totally going, you know. Courtney helps to set up the relay and replaces SVH’s rope with a duff one. That’s Liz’s rope! Noooooo! Dominique has stopped being stupid and started being horrified again, but I’ll let her off as she’s the only Lovett person who speaks like a human. They start the relay race. The chapter ends. Suspense!
Well, not really. They run the race. Jess gets over her conflicted loyalty to cheer for her sister. As Liz starts the rope climb, Jess notices that it’s breaking. It snaps and Liz falls. Courtney yells at Todd to keep going. Jess runs to her sister’s aid, and Todd drops down from his rope and picks Liz up. Liz is OK. Well, phew. I was nearly as worried as Todd. Courtney runs over to her father and demands to know how they’ll pick a winner. Her dad sort of notices she’s crazy. Bruce Patman suggests a tug of war. Oh, hello, Bruce. Everyone agrees, and Jess steps in for the injured Liz. Awww, I like Jess when she’s not rambling on about Lovett. Todd pulls out and Courtney is cross. She says Lovett won anyway. Jess threatens to expose the cheating in the phenomenally easy quiz. They start the tug-of-war. It’s not very interesting. Then Todd yells, “GO, SWEET VALLEY HIGH!” Exactly like that. Caps and all. Inspired by this, Sweet Valley win. Oh, good grief.
Courtney complains to her father, who has definitely realised his daughter is nuts. Courtney yells at Jess that she cheated by replacing Liz. Jess tells Courtney that she cheated by, well, cheating. Courtney threatens to make Jess’s life hell if she comes to Lovett, and also that she won’t let her get into Lovett. Make up your mind, whackjob. Jess doesn’t want to go there anymore anyway because she’s has realised Liz is right: All Posh People Suck.. Todd is coming back to SVH and everything is lovely.
Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger. Everyone cheers, “Yea, Todd and Liz!” Yea? That’s an oddly Biblical choice. Also, vomit. Nobody ever cheers when I go into a burger place. There’s also some pointless lead-in stuff for the next book about Amy and Ken, but I’ve already written far more than is healthy. I’ll try to be less rambly next time provided that a) I can find another book to recap, and b) that this one didn’t bore you all too much.
The cover is less frightening than normal, although the artist has made quite a shocking error. I couldn’t find a picture, but Todd has been given BLUE eyes. No, no, artist! Todd has coffee-brown eyes. Elizabeth and Jessica have ocean eyes, Todd has caffeine eyes. Come on now, this is basic stuff.
Now, it’s been a while since I last read SVH, so I’d sort of forgotten how truly appalling the writing is. We open on Jess and her friends in the cafeteria, and Lila says: “I don’t believe it! Are you seriously telling me that everything that happened in the last book just happened? This isn’t an awkward opening at all!” Well, OK, she didn’t say that. But I bet she was thinking it.
So Liz and Todd are back together, and Jeffrey has been consigned to Liz’s Ex-Boyfriend Heap of Sadness. Jess is really pleased, because she gets to tell people about it, and she loves to be in the middle of everything. “Right now, she was more than in the middle of the action - she was its twin!” If Liz is “the action” we might as well all kill ourselves right now. I have cyanide pills.
We get a recap of the Liz/Todd situation. Todd is back and Liz has dumped Jeffrey for him. Charming. Amy says that Todd is cuter than Jeffrey, and Jess is disgusted that Amy would think it’s all about looks. Yeah, Amy. Remember the ugly guys Jess dated because they were really sweet and... oh. Sorry. Forget that. No, it’s not all about looks. Todd’s father is now president of Varitronics and is practically a millionaire. Oh, so it’s about money. Gotcha. Todd’s father has transferred him to a really swanky private school, Lovett Academy, too. Lila tells us about it, because she knows about things like that. Apparently the only reason she doesn’t go there is because “Daddy thinks it’s important for me to learn about the real world.” Oh, he does not. Daddy has never once made any kind of decision relating to Lila’s growth and wellbeing, because he is a horrible person. Jessica wants to go to the swanky school because it’s full of cute rich guys. Then on the same double page, we hear about Skip Harmon and Sheffield Eastman. Skip and Sheffield? What the hell kind of names are those? It sounds like a crap satellite TV show where a zany kangaroo comes to live with a pretentious nitwit. Sheffield - no, I’m sorry, nobody is called Sheffield. I’m not having it. You cannot name people after towns famous for their steel industries. I’ll call him Shef instead. Shef turned out to be a complete waste of Jess’s time, because he, like, wanted to do charity work and shit. Boo, Shef, boo! Jess still wants to go to the poncy private school, and her friends laugh at her.
Over the other side of the cafeteria, we find Liz and Enid. Jess comes over to them, and Enid says, “Here comes trouble. Trouble with a capital T, and that stands for Twin.” Hee hee, Enid is Professor Harold Hill. We get the so alike and yet so different/blue eyes/blonde hair/size six stuff. Liz patronises Jess a bit in her mind. Jess wants to know about Lovett Academy. Liz patronises Jess out loud. Jess stomps off.
English class. Liz just can’t seem to keep her mind on the poem Mr Collins is discussing. I bet she can’t. Eh, Liz? Oh, she’s just thinking about Todd. That’s much less interesting. Liz wasn’t expecting to fall in love with Todd again, and is sad that she had to hurt Jeffrey. Yawn. Liz, you fall in love with someone who’s not your boyfriend ever other freaking book. The only difference is that you’re usually leaving Todd for someone else, not the other way round. I swear I used to think of Liz as being all sweet and loyal when I was younger, but she’s kind of a tramp, really. Liz gets all misty-eyed thinking about how selfless Jeffrey was, because he could easily have “conspired to keep Elizabeth and Todd apart.” I love how this is totally the normal thing to do in Sweet Valley. Liz moons about annoyingly, and the chapter ends. Jesus, I’m going to have to speed it up a bit.
Liz drives Jess to the library so she can research Lovett Academy. Liz, who knows everything, tells Jess that Lovett isn’t the right place for her. Or Todd. Someone who went to that school was once mean to Liz, which means the whole place should be burned down and the ground salted. Jess has seen Jeffrey walking around looking sad. Liz is cross that anyone still remembers Jeffrey - after all, she hurt him and he hasn’t thanked her for it. Well, don’t they, usually? She gets cross again at the idea of Jeffrey getting a new girlfriend, because she still likes him too. I would quite like to slap Liz. Jess says that Jeffrey is bland and Todd is fantastic. HAH! Jeffrey is bland! Unlike Mr. Excitement himself, Todd Save The Whales Wilkins. I’m recapping as I read, and I’m going to have to take a break and giggle for a moment.
Alright. The Wakefields are eating dinner. Alice is being Stepford-y and has made dinner after a ten-hour working day. But it’s alright, because Liz helped. Liz is shocked that Jess doesn’t admit to not helping. Has she ever met Jess? Jess wants to go to Lovett (yes, we know), and it’s very expensive but that doesn’t seem to matter, because Ned and Alice can easily afford it and “have never felt strongly one way or the other” about it. Do these people give a shit about anything their daughters do?
Liz goes to Todd’s new house. It’s big. She’s nervous because Todd’s family have moved up in the world a bit. I’m not sure why Liz cares about this. She and Todd hug. Liz has brought over some homework. No, really, she has. Todd suggests they watch a film his father videotaped instead. OK, you’ve moved into a mansion and you’re still too cheap to actually buy films. Todd and his dad are both losers. Todd wants to go to Secca Lake tomorrow, but Liz has an Oracle meeting. Todd is upset and acts co-dependent and weird. Liz agrees to leave the meeting early because Todd is all that matters. Liz, get a clue. I can’t believe I said ‘get a clue’. I’m English.
Liz goes to the Oracle meeting and runs into Jeffrey. There’s a bit of awkwardness before they’re interrupted. They go into the office, where Olivia remarks that Liz got “pounded on” in maths. Huh? Does Mr Collins teach maths now? No, turns out Liz hadn’t done her homework. Oh, that naughty Todd! Recklessly casting aside Liz’s homework! The meeting is boring, and Liz leaves early. Penny is disappointed in Liz.
Jess goes on about Lovett some more.
Liz and Todd meet. Todd says “Do you have any idea how wonderful it is to see you?” which makes me feel as though he’s taking the piss out of her, or is her elderly grandfather. They talk about Lovett, and our old friend Shef comes up again. Both of them moon about and annoy me.
Penny calls Liz into the Oracle office and tells her off for slacking. She says things like “Are you starting to feel you have too many other commitments to manage your column?” No sixteen-year-old speaks like that. My careers advisor spoke like that. Todd and Liz talk, and he’s also been told off for slacking. They agree to stop slacking. Good grief, this is dull.
We meet Courtney Kane, a girl that Todd dared to reject. This is because she sucks; the ghostwriter is quite clear on this point. Courtney doesn’t speak like a sixteen-year-old either. Imagine a moustache-twirling villain in a silent film. Imagine that the little captions were written by Elizabeth Wakefield. That’s more or less how Courtney speaks. Anyway, Courtney is cross about Liz and Todd and wants her ‘revenge’. We randomly go to her house and hear about a plot contrivance, sorry, inter-school Olympics. Courtney thinks this is a great opportunity to humiliate Liz and Todd. Courtney is a loser. So she and Todd probably would have made a good couple.
Jess is studying for the Lovett exams. Liz comes in and patronises her. I am so sick of Liz. Can we have some scenes without her now, please?
No, apparently we can’t. A special assembly has been called to announce this stupid Olympics thing. Jess thinks she should be on the Lovett team, and Liz hopes that Lovett aren’t involved, because she doesn’t want to compete against Todd. Of course, Lovett are involved, and there are several boring discussions about picking teams and how Sweet Valley is totally going to beat every other school. I’m glad we don’t really do school spirit here, because it sure is annoying.
Liz is upset. Lovett is the wrong place for Todd because Liz has met a couple of people from there and they aren’t really to her taste. She doesn’t want to associate with them, and Todd feels she’s not giving them a chance. Is he right? asks Enid. No, says Liz, and that’s the end of that. She goes to meet Todd at Lovett, and they see Courtney Kane. She is both attractive and brunette, so we know she’s a bitch. Courtney disses Liz’s outfit, continuing to sound not quite human. She invites Todd to a party and is rude to Liz. Courtney is a little desperate. Liz says Courtney probably meant to be friendly. She says this because someone accused her of not being perfect a minute ago. Todd says, “Typical Liz! You always manage to see the best in everyone!” HAH! I really hope this was the ghostwriter’s attempt at satire. Liz stresses about Courtney.
Liz is going to the country club with Todd, and grouses about it. Jess tells her she’s lucky. I think this scene is meant to be showing me how shallow Jess is compared to Liz, who is totally real and sees through all the emptiness of money and power, but it’s not working. Liz is so bloody grumpy in this book. She drives to the country club with Todd and gets angsty because Todd’s car has a CD player. Head, meet desk. Liz doesn’t like Lovett people and Todd does, blah blah blah. We meet someone called Campbell Rochester. Why can’t posh men have normal first names? Why do they have to have two surnames or a place in England? I’m a little concerned that we’re going to meet a Chipping Sodbury by the end of the book. Anyway, “Campbell” is Courtney’s date. He winks at Elizabeth, who immediately decides she never wants to see him again. What? Liz thinks the country club is ridiculous and doesn’t want to play golf. She speaks to a guy from SVH who is a caddy, and some of the girls snicker. They make a remark about “hired help”. It’s all kind of unpleasant, but I’m almost feeling sorry for the posh people. Why are they speaking like they’ve been badly translated from the Korean? We discover that “Campbell” is a lecherous, pompous, badly-translated arse. Courtney sees him and is cross with Liz. Shef crops up again. Liz and Todd leave. Todd didn’t have any fun. Neither did I.
Jess has heard of “Campbell” and is excited that Liz got to meet him. Liz is still being moody. The stupid Olympics comes up again, and we find out who’s doing what. Olivia is doing the spelling bee. What sort of Olympics is this? Liz is on the relay team with Jeffrey! However will she cope? She might have to - gasp - pass him something! Todd, in a move that will shock all of you, is on Lovett’s relay team. I don’t understand why this competition doesn’t have basketball but does have a spelling bee. There is a deathly boring relay-practice scene, notably only for Jeffrey calling Liz “loyal”. Snerk.
Todd is late to meet Liz. She’s cross. More “is Todd getting snobby” stuff. They fight again. Todd gets really angry and his knuckles turn white. That’s a bit of a dodgy description to throw in there - I have a vague recollection of thinking he was about to punch her. Of course, I might just have been a disturbed child. Todd and Liz break up.
Enid can’t believe Todd and Liz broke up. Why not? She’s seen it enough. Liz goes to relay practice. The relay involves a three-legged race, an egg-and-spoon race and a rope climb. Huh? I thought a relay was just running and passing a stick. I’ve never seen a rope climb in a relay race.
Courtney hates relay races. She also hates Todd. Except she doesn’t. It seems Elizabeth is the only one she really hates, because Todd is rich and cute. Courtney asks Todd out, and acts pathetic and delusional. I think they were going for “intimidating and evil”, though. Oh well. Todd has to do the rope climb, much to nobody’s surprise. Courtney is now “the most avid fan of rope-climbing at Lovett academy.” Courtney is starting to remind me of Crazy Margo. Courtney accidentally reveals her plan to get her dad to rig the race. Oh, Courtney, you and your crazy schemes. I bet deep down, you really want to be Liz. After all, doesn’t everybody?
Liz can’t climb the rope. She complains that there aren’t any footholds. Jeffrey says, “I guess that’s how rope-climbing works.” Heh.
Another random visit to Courtney’s house. Her dad is one of the judges. That’s got to be a conflict of interest, surely. He says he’s going to judge the competition fairly, and Courtney gets cross. OK, Courtney is definitely an early Crazy Margo.
Liz tells Jess - who is still studying - that she and Todd broke up, because Todd is a totally different person now. Jess suggests, rather pragmatically, that she go back to Jeffrey. I love Jess’s advice. But no, Liz wants to be with Todd, so long as he becomes what Liz would prefer him to be. She can’t apologise to Todd, because her apology would be “I’m sorry you suck as a human being now.” Liz thinks it’s hopeless. I think Liz is hopeless.
Jess bunks off school to go to her Lovett interview. Obviously, the interviewer is stuffy, the school is stuffy and Jess can’t think of any reasons why the school would want her. I don’t believe that Jess wouldn’t have been able to bullshit her way through that. Jess realises she doesn’t want to go to Lovett because they’re all about, like, academics, but she has to get in or else Lila and Amy will tease her. That’s kind of stupid, Jess. Todd comes up to her and wants to know if Liz has said anything about him. Jess says no. Go Jess! She gets home and Liz makes her recap the thirty-second exchange again and again. Liz, you’re pathetic. I turn the page and Jess says, “Liz, you’re pathetic.” Go Jess again! Liz doesn’t bother to ask Jess about her interview and whinges some more.
Stupid Courtney is trying to come up with ‘ideas’ to ensure that Lovett win the dumb Olympics. She actually has a pad and pen out. I’m kind of concerned that this is her idea of ‘revenge’. Her friend tells her that cheating is a bad idea. Courtney rants about Sweet Valley and Liz, and her friend doesn’t get what the problem is. Finally, a posh person sounds normal! It’s a shame that the friend’s name is Dominique and I’ve just finished watching America’s Next Top Model. It’s confusing me a little as on that show, Dominique was the crazy delusional one. Courtney tells Dominique that she’s stupid, nobody wins fair and square, rant rant rant where’s my butcher knife. Dominique thinks Courtney knows more than she does. Courtney offers her a sweater if she’ll help. Dominique is all for it, so she is kind of stupid after all.
The big day arrives. Courtney gets to the competition field early and runs into Todd. She says they’re going to win, and Todd says SVH might. Courtney doesn’t like that Todd is still loyal to SVH. She actually thinks, “It was so tedious the way he went on and on about it.” HAH! If that was satire, then ten points to the ghostwriter. Courtney drones on a bit in this vein (apparently, Todd is a bore. Who knew?), and then we go to the events. Lovett wins the swimming, SVH wins the tennis. Then we go over to the College Bowl, which, for dumb foreigners like me, appears to be some sort of quiz as opposed to a bowling tournament. Courtney has got hold of the answers, and will signal ‘true’ or ‘false’ for the Lovett competitors. True or false? Aren’t they meant to be sixteen? I’m sure they can cope with proper questions.
Alright, I read ahead a little. These are the questions:
“The highest mountain in the world is Mount Kilimanjaro. True or false?”
“The man who made these words famous: ‘that’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind’ was Neil Armstrong. True or False?” - and they didn’t know it! Courtney had to get it out of the book and signal! Dimwits.
“Rock and roll singer Bob Dylan’s real name is Robert Zimmerman. True or false?” Courtney knows that, cause she’s down with popular music. The follow up is: “One of Mr. Dylan’s hit songs claims that ‘the answer is blowing in the wind.’ True or false?”
“A United States senator may only serve two terms. True or false?”
“Water boils at two hundred and twelve degrees centigrade. True or false?”
Then Lila says: “These questions are a lot harder than I thought!” Excuse me, I have to go and cry for a minute. Please reassure me: Sixteen-year-old Americans know the answers to these questions, right? Right? Jess notices the signalling, but doesn’t want to make a fuss at Lovett before she’s even started. Because she’s totally going, you know. Courtney helps to set up the relay and replaces SVH’s rope with a duff one. That’s Liz’s rope! Noooooo! Dominique has stopped being stupid and started being horrified again, but I’ll let her off as she’s the only Lovett person who speaks like a human. They start the relay race. The chapter ends. Suspense!
Well, not really. They run the race. Jess gets over her conflicted loyalty to cheer for her sister. As Liz starts the rope climb, Jess notices that it’s breaking. It snaps and Liz falls. Courtney yells at Todd to keep going. Jess runs to her sister’s aid, and Todd drops down from his rope and picks Liz up. Liz is OK. Well, phew. I was nearly as worried as Todd. Courtney runs over to her father and demands to know how they’ll pick a winner. Her dad sort of notices she’s crazy. Bruce Patman suggests a tug of war. Oh, hello, Bruce. Everyone agrees, and Jess steps in for the injured Liz. Awww, I like Jess when she’s not rambling on about Lovett. Todd pulls out and Courtney is cross. She says Lovett won anyway. Jess threatens to expose the cheating in the phenomenally easy quiz. They start the tug-of-war. It’s not very interesting. Then Todd yells, “GO, SWEET VALLEY HIGH!” Exactly like that. Caps and all. Inspired by this, Sweet Valley win. Oh, good grief.
Courtney complains to her father, who has definitely realised his daughter is nuts. Courtney yells at Jess that she cheated by replacing Liz. Jess tells Courtney that she cheated by, well, cheating. Courtney threatens to make Jess’s life hell if she comes to Lovett, and also that she won’t let her get into Lovett. Make up your mind, whackjob. Jess doesn’t want to go there anymore anyway because she’s has realised Liz is right: All Posh People Suck.. Todd is coming back to SVH and everything is lovely.
Todd and Liz go to the Dairi Burger. Everyone cheers, “Yea, Todd and Liz!” Yea? That’s an oddly Biblical choice. Also, vomit. Nobody ever cheers when I go into a burger place. There’s also some pointless lead-in stuff for the next book about Amy and Ken, but I’ve already written far more than is healthy. I’ll try to be less rambly next time provided that a) I can find another book to recap, and b) that this one didn’t bore you all too much.