SVH #120: In Love With The Enemy
SVH #120: In Love With The Enemy
This is book #1 in the Betrayal Miniseries. This is where it all begins, folks, right here.
The images tell you what is going to happen in this book. Surfing and rumbles in front overturned trash cans. But really, do people surf in bikinis? I would think that would be the fastest way to end up flashing the rest of the beach.
Edited to add: This "miniseries" takes place right after the one where Liz and Jessica went off to college for a week and almost decided to stay forever and ever. Jessica vowed eternal love to Ken after cheating on him with another pretend college student. Just wanted to make that clear.
The book opens with yet another “big game” against the Palisade Pumas. Jessica is cheering. She and her co-captain have choreographed a new dance to some rap music. Sweet Valley is cutting edge, d00ds! They decide to do their “salsa” dance instead. They “waved their hips and moved their feet, shaking and prancing to the beat.” Yes, prancing. The game is tied. It is so crowded that Liz and Enid, who didn’t arrive 'til the second half, have to go sit on the Palisades side. There, they happen to run into their Palisades High clones-Caitlin and Marla. Both girls work at the Palisades newspaper. (Twins so similar, so different, etc) The four girls are bored by the game, despite the fact that it is a nail-biter with Palisades playing some dirty football and taking out two of the best SVH players in the first half. So, instead of paying attention to the game, they try to think of ideas of things the two schools can do together. A sports contest is suggested but all the girls are tired of that. Lame-o-Liz suggests a poetry reading/literary night. Okay, I was an English nerd in high school, but even I would never ever in a million years have suggested any kind of literary night as a way for two schools to bond. Finally, they hit on a perfect suggestion-a dance! Yes, a dance. It has been so long since we had one of those. The dance will be a theme, with theme to be decided later. The game continues and while Ken is about to make the winning pass, one of the Palisades players knees him in the gut. He fumbles the ball and the Palisades guy picks it up, calling Ken “windbag.” Palisades ends up winning the game. The SVH football players want to retaliate, but Ken as team captain tells them not to stoop to the Palisades level. After the game, Todd-who has his cast off-is at the game to pick up Liz. He instead sees Ken having a pity-party and so he and Aaron Dallas decide it is “guy time.” As they are leaving the parking lot, the Palisades guy, Greg McMullen, picks another fight. He again punches Ken in the gut and calls him “the little windbag.” Ooh, feisty! Todd and Aaron keep Ken from fighting back, but Ken is angrier than the angry fist of a god. Or something. Ken blows Jessica off when she wants to go to the Dairi Burger. Not cool, man, not cool.
The next day, Lila, Jessica and Amy are at the beach. There is a big surfing competition going on and it is being covered by an MTV rip-off. Jessica sets up her towel near the cameras, hoping to be interviewed and get on TV and get her big break. The female winner of that day’s competition has her towel near Jessica and laughs her arse off at Jessica’s blithe assurances that she’ll win the surfing challenge. This girl’s name is Rosie Shaw. She’ll become important later. Right now, she is just a bitch. Jessica spots a gorgeous guy riding the waves who “looked like a Greek god, like Mercury on winged feet.” How poetic. He’ll be important later too. Right now, he is just some surf d00d. Once the competition is over, a new competition is announced. The winners will be interviewed on the MTV rip-off and get a free trip to Hawaii. Jessica decides she is going to learn to surf to win the competition. She mostly just wants to get on TV, but the trip to Hawaii is a nice bonus. Jessica figures that since she knows how to be a cheerleader, surfing shouldn’t be that much trouble-it is all about balance and athleticism and stuff. Lila tells Jessica that if Jess wins, she (Lila) will wear hot-pink oxide on her nose to school, but if Jess loses, Jessica will wear a bright green wetsuit to school. Ooh, hardcore man! Rosie taunts Jessica some also calling her a “pom-pom girl.” What a meany!
Liz and Todd have a date that day too. Todd is celebrating his cast being off and being a bit of a goofball and Liz, who packed a picnic of French breads and cheese spreads is not amused. She apparently wants to be a 40 year-old lady while Todd is being an actual 16 year old. Liz wants to tell him about the dance she and the Palisades girls are planning, but he is too self-involved so she doesn’t bother.
That night, Jessica forgives Ken and tells him to pick her up at 8 for the Dairi Burger. Nope, nothing doing. Turns out the guys are having a guy’s night. No girls allowed. Only man meat and testosterone invited. It is at the Patman house. Besides Bruce and Ken, we have Todd, Aaron, Winston, and Ronnie Edwards. They play pool, tennis, some swimming, some TV, barbecue some dead animals, and then end with poker, trespassing and vandalism. Oh, we’ll get to that, never fear. During this man-night, Ken almost caves and calls Jessica. He knows she is probably out having fun. He wonders if she is “wearing her white jeans.” He also wonders who she is dancing with. But the white jeans thing worries me. Besides all the problems inherit in white jeans, the fact that Ken ponders Jessica’s fashion choices is pretty telling about him. Bruce stops Ken from betraying the manliness of the evening by calling Jess. They get on to the poker. Bruce totally wants to get back at the Palisades jerks by using paint on their field. Winston weakly protests. No one else says anything because they are intimidated by Bruce and are total pansies. Bruce decides that the person with the winning hand in their five card stud, nothing wild game will decide if they go vandalizing or not. Winston has a full house, but Bruce has a royal flush. A royal flush in the first hand of 5-card stud, nothing wild in a hand that also has a full house? Those cards were stacked, no question about it. The probability of being dealt a royal flush is 1.5 x 10-6 or .0000015%. The probability of being dealt a full house is .14%. The probability of both in one deal is 2.1 x 10-7 or .00000021%. So yeah, right. Ghostwriter don’t know shit about poker or odds. The motley crew heads out and paints in white paint the message “Palisades Pumas purr like kittens” on the Palisades football field.
On Sunday morning, Jessica is up at the crack of dawn and off to the beach to learn to surf. She wants to quit already but knows that Lila won’t let her hear the end of it if she does. She has one of Steven’s old boards. She goes off to a deserted beach and starts trying to ride the waves. She fails miserably but is “saved” when her Greek god happens along. His name is Christian Gorman and he gives Jessica surfing lessons. He agrees to give her lessons if she’ll agree to take them. Christian is a good teacher and Jessica is doing better already. They make plans to meet the next day at five a.m.
Liz is running Sunday errands also. She and Enid and the Palisades girls meet for brunch to discuss the dance. They decide on a costume dance so everyone will be in disguise and they’ll mingle. They also agree that neutral territory is the way to go and the Palisaders suggest a warehouse they know of. But the place is scheduled for renovation in a week so their dance will have to be this coming Friday. The school that sells the most tickets will win all the money to donate to a charity of their choice. So the dance is for a good cause.
That night, Ken and Jessica get together. Ken is regretting their vandalism of the Palisades football field, but his rage has dissipated, and he is feeling better. He wants to know what Jessica did last night and she makes up some stuff about partying with the girls and going on a manhunt and making witches brew and voodoo dolls, but really, she stayed in and painted her toenails…well, one foot’s worth apparently. She shoos Ken out at 9 so she can get to bed so she can get up early for her surfing lesson.
On Monday, Liz and Enid are hanging posters for the upcoming dance. Bruce is all ass-like and crumples one of their flyers. He really is a caricature. He says that they are the “enemy.” Todd is very unenthusiastic about the dance too. Liz tells him that the little scuffle the boys got into doesn’t have anything to do with the rest of them and the rest of the school would rather have a dance than a war. But then we get this gem: The success of their party would prove that women know best. Good to know all that women’s movement and feminist stuff hinges on the fate of one dance at a fictional school. At lunch that day though, the boys (including Todd and Ken) start up a chant for “Pain for Palisades!” Liz thinks that she never knew Ken and Todd were such sheep. Yes she calls them sheep. And cavemen. She is worried to see her boyfriend acting like one of the herd but Enid assures her the dance will be a success. Liz then has a moment of premonition and it chills her. [insert spooky music]
At the surfing lesson, Jess and Christian want to skip school to surf some more and spend time together. They share some stuff about their lives-Jess tells about how Liz is the “perfect” twin and Christian mentions his “perfect” older brother. They are the black sheep of their families. They have so much in common and feel like they’ve known each other forever! Well, everything except that Jess is the one with a boyfriend she never mentions, even after kissing Christian. Yes, kissing!
Tuesday morning, Ken wakes up to find his house Toilet Papered (TPed) and his car egged. He makes out like the TPing is the greatest crime in the history of man and I am all like, whatev. But someone also wrote GET READY FOR YOUR LAST DANCE in shaving cream on the street. And no cars drove through it? His parents didn’t notice as they left for work? Ken mutters something about conservation in Sweet Valley’s small pandering to ecofriendliness. Bruce, Aaron, Ronnie, Winston, and Todd all received the same treatment. Come on, Bruce doesn’t have a gated lawn? And how the hell did the Palisades guys know which Sweet Valley High losers it was that painted their field?
Jessica meanwhile is alone at the beach. It is 7am and Christian is not there. He finally arrives looking tired, with circles under his eyes. Wonder what he was doing, hmm? Jessica tries to show off a new trick she learned to him but he is not really interested. He goes off and rides some waves and Jess thinks how it looks like he is working some aggression off. But they are soul mates she knows. There is some of the same vulnerability in him, like he is always misunderstood-like she is. But she doesn’t want to know too much about him because then the romance is more fantasy-like and then it means she isn’t really cheating on Ken. Riiight. Christian shows Jess a new move to practice while he gets a nap. After learning to ride a wave perfectly, Jess looks into Christian’s smokey blue eyes and knows that she has fallen in love.
At school, Liz and Enid can’t believe how stupid the boys are being. They’ve heard about the lawn and car trashing (spoiled rich kids who all have cars at 16, mutter, mutter) but the boys come into school wearing JEAN JACKETS AND DARK SUNGLASSES. Because that is totally hardcore. And for some reason, I want to sing “Fashion” by David Bowie at these idiots. So, musical interlude time:
There's a brand new dance but I don't know its name
That people from bad homes do again and again
It's big and it's bland full of tension and fear
They do it over there but we don't do it here
Fashion! Turn to the left
Fashion! Turn to the right
Oooh, fashion!
We are the goon squad and we're coming to town
Beep-beep
Yeah, that sums it up. Plus, the getup might have worked for this guy, but James Dean they are not. The boys wander around school in a pack frightening other students with Palisades High horror stories and gathering new losers to join their little posse. Liz tries to talk to Todd, but he brushes her off-he has to go do manly things with the rest of the men. Liz has another premonition of doom and decides to call the dance off. I am sorry; I am about to be overwhelmed by the lameness here. Let me take a little break.
All right, I am back but the lameness continues unabated. Ken is apologizing to Jessica for his behavior the night of the football game. Jessica is a million miles away mentally. She is at the beach and surfing with a hot guy. She can’t understand why Ken hasn’t let the whole thing go. After all, that was Friday and it is already Tuesday, totally time to move on. Ken explains about the fight after the game and how the Palisades guys trashed their lawns and cars. He fails to mention the graffiti he and the other morons perpetrated, but when one lives in one’s own world, one gets to decide what is important. Ken says that, “I’m normally a peaceful guy, but there are times when a man has to prove himself. This may be one of those times.” Oh barf, really? He tells Jessica that they are going to have a showdown with the Palisades guys at the dance. Oooh, a rumble! Finger snapping is sure to abound! Jess is a bit worried about Ken. He is an athlete, not a fighter and is likely to get his ass whipped. Ken says that even if there is no dance, they are going to show up to fight. Jess feels guilty for thinking about Christian at a time like this and decides to back Ken 100%. After all, she figures, it’s not like a bunch of high school boys can hurt each other.
Liz, Enid, and the Palisades counterparts meet at Liz’s house. Elizabeth tells them what happened at SVH that day and the Palisades girls say it was like that at Palisades High the day before. Liz then finds out what the guys did to the football field. Not as innocent as they were pretending to be, huh? Liz wants to cancel the dance. She tells the other girls how the guys were walking around in jean jackets and sunglasses and the Palisades girls say that the guys at their school were doing the same thing but had leather jackets. Guess Palisades kids are richer than SVH kids. Liz calls it gang warfare (like she’s know what that was, living in her little white bread community) and one of the other girls references West Side Story. At least the ghostwriter acknowledge that which she rippeth off.
Jessica and Lila are shopping at the mall and Jessica gets a hot pink wetsuit. I thought she had to wear a green one to school if she lost the competition, but whatevs. Lila finds the bright green one and teases Jessica. Jessica tells her to go get some hot pink oxide ready. Lila says the only place she’ll wear that is at the beach. Wait, wait, hold on a minute. Lila would not be caught DEAD in hot pink oxide anywhere in public, ever. Actually, I don’t know what oxide is, but I am guessing it is that stuff you put on your nose to keep it from getting sunburnt. If so, I repeat my statement that Lila Fowler would never ever wear it. Ever. Jess arrives home and joins in with Liz, Enid, and the Palisades girls. Liz tells her that they are going to call off the dance, but Jess advises against it-with the girls there, maybe they can keep a lid on things. Liz decides to fight fire with fire-counter the boys’ negative propaganda with positive info. With a special edition of the paper! OMG Liz, Lame Train boarding at Platform 1! SVH will have a paper all about Palisades and Palisades will write one all about SVH. What a great idea! Not. Jess loses points here because she doesn’t even deride this idea.
On Wednesday, it is a bit drizzly and the ocean is turbulent but Jess shows up for surfing anyway. Christian isn’t there so she of course tries to ride the biggest wave she’s ever attempted. Jessica about drowns but luckily Christian shows up in time to save her. Aww. Really though, Jessica was floating and “becoming one with the ocean” and all that crap when Christian finally fishes her out. Fortunately for my stomach, he doesn’t have to perform mouth-to-mouth. He promises to teach her how to correctly wipe out which apparently involves diving to the bottom and hanging out there for a minute or so until the first wave and it’s after-swell both disappear. So you don’t get caught in the cross-currents and stuff. There, you are now officially able to surf. Go forth, my disciples!
That same morning, Liz and Olivia are heading to Palisades to get info and interviews for their edition of the paper. Since Liz is performing extra services for Mr. Collins, the extra edition of the paper was immediately okayed. Liz is for some reason driving like a maniac, cutting across four lanes of traffic at a time. It is because she is nervous. I think it is because the ghostwriter found her story a little short and had to throw something in to beef it up. You decide. Well, at Palisades, Liz and Olivia try to interview students about their schools. The boys are belligerent and the girls are frightened mice. Liz is wearing a Sweet Valley High sweatshirt so that doesn’t help. But even after she pulls it off, no one will talk to them. I think I hate the pansy-arsed girls who are so intimidated by the thuggish boys that they won’t even speak to the people from the other school. Before they leave, they are threatened by some of the big Palisades jerks. It isn’t all that intimidating, but Liz and Liv high-tail it out of there. Turns out the Palisades girls who tried to interview the SVH students ran into the same problem. So now one has any info on either school.
As Jessica and Christian are declaring their love for each other, dark clouds are looming. (Isn’t that pretty and poetical? I wrote it myself!) Christian can’t meet Jessica on Friday morning because he has some mysterious other business and Jess figures it is probably for the best because she will be at the dance with Ken on Friday and doesn’t want to be distracted by thoughts of her paramour. Christian still encourages Jess to practice on Friday without him. All right what is up with that? I grew up in the Midwest but we went to Lake Michigan all the time and the one thing you never ever do is swim alone. And that is in a piddly little lake-who goes swimming/surfing at deserted beaches all by themselves? Idiots, that’s who.
Liz is struggling with her article on Palisades High. Turns out Palisades is just like every other high school in the country and not much fun to write about. They also get a prank threatening letter. Good thing this was pre-high-school-shooting days, because the whole place would’ve been on lockdown these days. And that would make for a shorter story. Though the scare-mail was pretty lame. It was two gladiators with a title “The Deadly Dance: A Duel to the Death.” Yep, some kids would be in juvie for that-but of course Liz and co don’t tell anyone of authority about the letter. At a staff meeting, Bruce busts in and tells them that the Palisades people took out one of the tennis players-Tom McKay-by beaming him in the head with a tennis ball. John Pfeifer (HISS! Why is anyone still associating with him?) offers to write up the incident. Liz wants only positive things in the paper, but is overruled. The paper will feature the rivalry. John, being a boy, is all for this and does some stomping and pacing around the room as he expostulates on the evilness of the Palisades High students. The next day, when the paper “hits the stands” it just makes everything worse. No one reads Liz’s boring articles, all they want to talk about is what happened at the football and tennis games. Some of the boys even use the special edition of the paper to graffiti the school walls. Liz is horrified that her beautiful journalistic words were used in such an atrocious display. Bruce is again a caricature in his anger toward Elizabeth and Palisades High. Liz berates him for turning the school into a war zone and blames it on hormones. I blame it on idiocy.
That night, it is foggy and overcast as Enid and Liz head to the warehouse to help set up. They can barely find the place, it is apparently in a ghetto part of Sweet Valley. Liz cleans up the branches hiding the street sign even while thinking they’d all be better off if she didn’t. The place is on Phantom Lane. Lame. The warehouse is a gloomy wreck and all the decorating in the world can’t make it look festive. Liz thinks they should hold a séance in the place rather than a dance. She then hangs a banner outside, but because of the rain and mist, it starts to blur-maybe it looks like it was written in blood cuz that would be awesome. They don’t tell us that, but I am going to hope.
Ken and Jessica arrive at the dance and YES! The poster looks like it “is crying bloody tears.” Ken’s “costume” is black jeans, a black denim jacket, a white t-shirt, and a ski mask. Jess thinks he looks like a gangster, but really, he probably looks like a wannabe thug aka a loser. Jess is wearing a black rayon halter dress and didn’t really bother with a costume. (but really, the best fashion came courtesy of Caitlin, the PH girl. She wore a black jumpsuit with a white shirt under it and chunky silver jewelry earlier in the book.) Jess and Ken get in line to hand in their tickets. The price was $10/person and most of both schools are there. Jess tries to get Ken to promise not to fight, but he won’t. She then vows to keep her eye on him but he disappears practically the second after she made the promise.
The boys gather outside and Winston again tries to talk them out of fighting. Bruce says he’ll talk to the PHers-with his fists! Even Todd tries to stop the punching before it starts to no avail. What really irks is that none of the guys even danced a dance with their dates. How frickin’ rude. Liz notices Todd is gone from inside the dance and goes looking for him. She is asked to dance by a cute Sherlock Holmes but brushes him off to find Todd. She keeps looking inside and never once thinks to go outside. No one else has seen any of the guys and Liz starts to panic. She finally makes a smart move and decides to call the police without first waiting to find out where everyone is.
Outside the fight is beginning. Ken is facing off with the never-before-seen leader of the PH gang. He is huge with “dangerously cold” blue eyes. Next thing Ken sees is the leader’s fist flying toward his face.
Jessica finally heads outside to look for the boys. She comes upon the fight and is shocked at the chaos. Todd is being punched in the stomach by a Palisades linebacker. The ToddPunch returned to its owner! Too bad there isn't a pool to be pushed into. Jess sees Ken on the ground and screams and runs over to him. His face is all bloody and his attacker is looking down at his corpsey body. His attacker is...Christian! Jessica covers her face with her hands, hears the wail of sirens in the distance, and then passes out for some reason. I guess the stress of her two lovers fighting was just too much for her and she was overcome. How damsel-in-distressy.
CLIFFHANGER!!!
Stay tuned for what happens next in The High School Wars.
This is book #1 in the Betrayal Miniseries. This is where it all begins, folks, right here.
The images tell you what is going to happen in this book. Surfing and rumbles in front overturned trash cans. But really, do people surf in bikinis? I would think that would be the fastest way to end up flashing the rest of the beach.
Edited to add: This "miniseries" takes place right after the one where Liz and Jessica went off to college for a week and almost decided to stay forever and ever. Jessica vowed eternal love to Ken after cheating on him with another pretend college student. Just wanted to make that clear.
The book opens with yet another “big game” against the Palisade Pumas. Jessica is cheering. She and her co-captain have choreographed a new dance to some rap music. Sweet Valley is cutting edge, d00ds! They decide to do their “salsa” dance instead. They “waved their hips and moved their feet, shaking and prancing to the beat.” Yes, prancing. The game is tied. It is so crowded that Liz and Enid, who didn’t arrive 'til the second half, have to go sit on the Palisades side. There, they happen to run into their Palisades High clones-Caitlin and Marla. Both girls work at the Palisades newspaper. (Twins so similar, so different, etc) The four girls are bored by the game, despite the fact that it is a nail-biter with Palisades playing some dirty football and taking out two of the best SVH players in the first half. So, instead of paying attention to the game, they try to think of ideas of things the two schools can do together. A sports contest is suggested but all the girls are tired of that. Lame-o-Liz suggests a poetry reading/literary night. Okay, I was an English nerd in high school, but even I would never ever in a million years have suggested any kind of literary night as a way for two schools to bond. Finally, they hit on a perfect suggestion-a dance! Yes, a dance. It has been so long since we had one of those. The dance will be a theme, with theme to be decided later. The game continues and while Ken is about to make the winning pass, one of the Palisades players knees him in the gut. He fumbles the ball and the Palisades guy picks it up, calling Ken “windbag.” Palisades ends up winning the game. The SVH football players want to retaliate, but Ken as team captain tells them not to stoop to the Palisades level. After the game, Todd-who has his cast off-is at the game to pick up Liz. He instead sees Ken having a pity-party and so he and Aaron Dallas decide it is “guy time.” As they are leaving the parking lot, the Palisades guy, Greg McMullen, picks another fight. He again punches Ken in the gut and calls him “the little windbag.” Ooh, feisty! Todd and Aaron keep Ken from fighting back, but Ken is angrier than the angry fist of a god. Or something. Ken blows Jessica off when she wants to go to the Dairi Burger. Not cool, man, not cool.
The next day, Lila, Jessica and Amy are at the beach. There is a big surfing competition going on and it is being covered by an MTV rip-off. Jessica sets up her towel near the cameras, hoping to be interviewed and get on TV and get her big break. The female winner of that day’s competition has her towel near Jessica and laughs her arse off at Jessica’s blithe assurances that she’ll win the surfing challenge. This girl’s name is Rosie Shaw. She’ll become important later. Right now, she is just a bitch. Jessica spots a gorgeous guy riding the waves who “looked like a Greek god, like Mercury on winged feet.” How poetic. He’ll be important later too. Right now, he is just some surf d00d. Once the competition is over, a new competition is announced. The winners will be interviewed on the MTV rip-off and get a free trip to Hawaii. Jessica decides she is going to learn to surf to win the competition. She mostly just wants to get on TV, but the trip to Hawaii is a nice bonus. Jessica figures that since she knows how to be a cheerleader, surfing shouldn’t be that much trouble-it is all about balance and athleticism and stuff. Lila tells Jessica that if Jess wins, she (Lila) will wear hot-pink oxide on her nose to school, but if Jess loses, Jessica will wear a bright green wetsuit to school. Ooh, hardcore man! Rosie taunts Jessica some also calling her a “pom-pom girl.” What a meany!
Liz and Todd have a date that day too. Todd is celebrating his cast being off and being a bit of a goofball and Liz, who packed a picnic of French breads and cheese spreads is not amused. She apparently wants to be a 40 year-old lady while Todd is being an actual 16 year old. Liz wants to tell him about the dance she and the Palisades girls are planning, but he is too self-involved so she doesn’t bother.
That night, Jessica forgives Ken and tells him to pick her up at 8 for the Dairi Burger. Nope, nothing doing. Turns out the guys are having a guy’s night. No girls allowed. Only man meat and testosterone invited. It is at the Patman house. Besides Bruce and Ken, we have Todd, Aaron, Winston, and Ronnie Edwards. They play pool, tennis, some swimming, some TV, barbecue some dead animals, and then end with poker, trespassing and vandalism. Oh, we’ll get to that, never fear. During this man-night, Ken almost caves and calls Jessica. He knows she is probably out having fun. He wonders if she is “wearing her white jeans.” He also wonders who she is dancing with. But the white jeans thing worries me. Besides all the problems inherit in white jeans, the fact that Ken ponders Jessica’s fashion choices is pretty telling about him. Bruce stops Ken from betraying the manliness of the evening by calling Jess. They get on to the poker. Bruce totally wants to get back at the Palisades jerks by using paint on their field. Winston weakly protests. No one else says anything because they are intimidated by Bruce and are total pansies. Bruce decides that the person with the winning hand in their five card stud, nothing wild game will decide if they go vandalizing or not. Winston has a full house, but Bruce has a royal flush. A royal flush in the first hand of 5-card stud, nothing wild in a hand that also has a full house? Those cards were stacked, no question about it. The probability of being dealt a royal flush is 1.5 x 10-6 or .0000015%. The probability of being dealt a full house is .14%. The probability of both in one deal is 2.1 x 10-7 or .00000021%. So yeah, right. Ghostwriter don’t know shit about poker or odds. The motley crew heads out and paints in white paint the message “Palisades Pumas purr like kittens” on the Palisades football field.
On Sunday morning, Jessica is up at the crack of dawn and off to the beach to learn to surf. She wants to quit already but knows that Lila won’t let her hear the end of it if she does. She has one of Steven’s old boards. She goes off to a deserted beach and starts trying to ride the waves. She fails miserably but is “saved” when her Greek god happens along. His name is Christian Gorman and he gives Jessica surfing lessons. He agrees to give her lessons if she’ll agree to take them. Christian is a good teacher and Jessica is doing better already. They make plans to meet the next day at five a.m.
Liz is running Sunday errands also. She and Enid and the Palisades girls meet for brunch to discuss the dance. They decide on a costume dance so everyone will be in disguise and they’ll mingle. They also agree that neutral territory is the way to go and the Palisaders suggest a warehouse they know of. But the place is scheduled for renovation in a week so their dance will have to be this coming Friday. The school that sells the most tickets will win all the money to donate to a charity of their choice. So the dance is for a good cause.
That night, Ken and Jessica get together. Ken is regretting their vandalism of the Palisades football field, but his rage has dissipated, and he is feeling better. He wants to know what Jessica did last night and she makes up some stuff about partying with the girls and going on a manhunt and making witches brew and voodoo dolls, but really, she stayed in and painted her toenails…well, one foot’s worth apparently. She shoos Ken out at 9 so she can get to bed so she can get up early for her surfing lesson.
On Monday, Liz and Enid are hanging posters for the upcoming dance. Bruce is all ass-like and crumples one of their flyers. He really is a caricature. He says that they are the “enemy.” Todd is very unenthusiastic about the dance too. Liz tells him that the little scuffle the boys got into doesn’t have anything to do with the rest of them and the rest of the school would rather have a dance than a war. But then we get this gem: The success of their party would prove that women know best. Good to know all that women’s movement and feminist stuff hinges on the fate of one dance at a fictional school. At lunch that day though, the boys (including Todd and Ken) start up a chant for “Pain for Palisades!” Liz thinks that she never knew Ken and Todd were such sheep. Yes she calls them sheep. And cavemen. She is worried to see her boyfriend acting like one of the herd but Enid assures her the dance will be a success. Liz then has a moment of premonition and it chills her. [insert spooky music]
At the surfing lesson, Jess and Christian want to skip school to surf some more and spend time together. They share some stuff about their lives-Jess tells about how Liz is the “perfect” twin and Christian mentions his “perfect” older brother. They are the black sheep of their families. They have so much in common and feel like they’ve known each other forever! Well, everything except that Jess is the one with a boyfriend she never mentions, even after kissing Christian. Yes, kissing!
Tuesday morning, Ken wakes up to find his house Toilet Papered (TPed) and his car egged. He makes out like the TPing is the greatest crime in the history of man and I am all like, whatev. But someone also wrote GET READY FOR YOUR LAST DANCE in shaving cream on the street. And no cars drove through it? His parents didn’t notice as they left for work? Ken mutters something about conservation in Sweet Valley’s small pandering to ecofriendliness. Bruce, Aaron, Ronnie, Winston, and Todd all received the same treatment. Come on, Bruce doesn’t have a gated lawn? And how the hell did the Palisades guys know which Sweet Valley High losers it was that painted their field?
Jessica meanwhile is alone at the beach. It is 7am and Christian is not there. He finally arrives looking tired, with circles under his eyes. Wonder what he was doing, hmm? Jessica tries to show off a new trick she learned to him but he is not really interested. He goes off and rides some waves and Jess thinks how it looks like he is working some aggression off. But they are soul mates she knows. There is some of the same vulnerability in him, like he is always misunderstood-like she is. But she doesn’t want to know too much about him because then the romance is more fantasy-like and then it means she isn’t really cheating on Ken. Riiight. Christian shows Jess a new move to practice while he gets a nap. After learning to ride a wave perfectly, Jess looks into Christian’s smokey blue eyes and knows that she has fallen in love.
At school, Liz and Enid can’t believe how stupid the boys are being. They’ve heard about the lawn and car trashing (spoiled rich kids who all have cars at 16, mutter, mutter) but the boys come into school wearing JEAN JACKETS AND DARK SUNGLASSES. Because that is totally hardcore. And for some reason, I want to sing “Fashion” by David Bowie at these idiots. So, musical interlude time:
There's a brand new dance but I don't know its name
That people from bad homes do again and again
It's big and it's bland full of tension and fear
They do it over there but we don't do it here
Fashion! Turn to the left
Fashion! Turn to the right
Oooh, fashion!
We are the goon squad and we're coming to town
Beep-beep
Yeah, that sums it up. Plus, the getup might have worked for this guy, but James Dean they are not. The boys wander around school in a pack frightening other students with Palisades High horror stories and gathering new losers to join their little posse. Liz tries to talk to Todd, but he brushes her off-he has to go do manly things with the rest of the men. Liz has another premonition of doom and decides to call the dance off. I am sorry; I am about to be overwhelmed by the lameness here. Let me take a little break.
All right, I am back but the lameness continues unabated. Ken is apologizing to Jessica for his behavior the night of the football game. Jessica is a million miles away mentally. She is at the beach and surfing with a hot guy. She can’t understand why Ken hasn’t let the whole thing go. After all, that was Friday and it is already Tuesday, totally time to move on. Ken explains about the fight after the game and how the Palisades guys trashed their lawns and cars. He fails to mention the graffiti he and the other morons perpetrated, but when one lives in one’s own world, one gets to decide what is important. Ken says that, “I’m normally a peaceful guy, but there are times when a man has to prove himself. This may be one of those times.” Oh barf, really? He tells Jessica that they are going to have a showdown with the Palisades guys at the dance. Oooh, a rumble! Finger snapping is sure to abound! Jess is a bit worried about Ken. He is an athlete, not a fighter and is likely to get his ass whipped. Ken says that even if there is no dance, they are going to show up to fight. Jess feels guilty for thinking about Christian at a time like this and decides to back Ken 100%. After all, she figures, it’s not like a bunch of high school boys can hurt each other.
Liz, Enid, and the Palisades counterparts meet at Liz’s house. Elizabeth tells them what happened at SVH that day and the Palisades girls say it was like that at Palisades High the day before. Liz then finds out what the guys did to the football field. Not as innocent as they were pretending to be, huh? Liz wants to cancel the dance. She tells the other girls how the guys were walking around in jean jackets and sunglasses and the Palisades girls say that the guys at their school were doing the same thing but had leather jackets. Guess Palisades kids are richer than SVH kids. Liz calls it gang warfare (like she’s know what that was, living in her little white bread community) and one of the other girls references West Side Story. At least the ghostwriter acknowledge that which she rippeth off.
Jessica and Lila are shopping at the mall and Jessica gets a hot pink wetsuit. I thought she had to wear a green one to school if she lost the competition, but whatevs. Lila finds the bright green one and teases Jessica. Jessica tells her to go get some hot pink oxide ready. Lila says the only place she’ll wear that is at the beach. Wait, wait, hold on a minute. Lila would not be caught DEAD in hot pink oxide anywhere in public, ever. Actually, I don’t know what oxide is, but I am guessing it is that stuff you put on your nose to keep it from getting sunburnt. If so, I repeat my statement that Lila Fowler would never ever wear it. Ever. Jess arrives home and joins in with Liz, Enid, and the Palisades girls. Liz tells her that they are going to call off the dance, but Jess advises against it-with the girls there, maybe they can keep a lid on things. Liz decides to fight fire with fire-counter the boys’ negative propaganda with positive info. With a special edition of the paper! OMG Liz, Lame Train boarding at Platform 1! SVH will have a paper all about Palisades and Palisades will write one all about SVH. What a great idea! Not. Jess loses points here because she doesn’t even deride this idea.
On Wednesday, it is a bit drizzly and the ocean is turbulent but Jess shows up for surfing anyway. Christian isn’t there so she of course tries to ride the biggest wave she’s ever attempted. Jessica about drowns but luckily Christian shows up in time to save her. Aww. Really though, Jessica was floating and “becoming one with the ocean” and all that crap when Christian finally fishes her out. Fortunately for my stomach, he doesn’t have to perform mouth-to-mouth. He promises to teach her how to correctly wipe out which apparently involves diving to the bottom and hanging out there for a minute or so until the first wave and it’s after-swell both disappear. So you don’t get caught in the cross-currents and stuff. There, you are now officially able to surf. Go forth, my disciples!
That same morning, Liz and Olivia are heading to Palisades to get info and interviews for their edition of the paper. Since Liz is performing extra services for Mr. Collins, the extra edition of the paper was immediately okayed. Liz is for some reason driving like a maniac, cutting across four lanes of traffic at a time. It is because she is nervous. I think it is because the ghostwriter found her story a little short and had to throw something in to beef it up. You decide. Well, at Palisades, Liz and Olivia try to interview students about their schools. The boys are belligerent and the girls are frightened mice. Liz is wearing a Sweet Valley High sweatshirt so that doesn’t help. But even after she pulls it off, no one will talk to them. I think I hate the pansy-arsed girls who are so intimidated by the thuggish boys that they won’t even speak to the people from the other school. Before they leave, they are threatened by some of the big Palisades jerks. It isn’t all that intimidating, but Liz and Liv high-tail it out of there. Turns out the Palisades girls who tried to interview the SVH students ran into the same problem. So now one has any info on either school.
As Jessica and Christian are declaring their love for each other, dark clouds are looming. (Isn’t that pretty and poetical? I wrote it myself!) Christian can’t meet Jessica on Friday morning because he has some mysterious other business and Jess figures it is probably for the best because she will be at the dance with Ken on Friday and doesn’t want to be distracted by thoughts of her paramour. Christian still encourages Jess to practice on Friday without him. All right what is up with that? I grew up in the Midwest but we went to Lake Michigan all the time and the one thing you never ever do is swim alone. And that is in a piddly little lake-who goes swimming/surfing at deserted beaches all by themselves? Idiots, that’s who.
Liz is struggling with her article on Palisades High. Turns out Palisades is just like every other high school in the country and not much fun to write about. They also get a prank threatening letter. Good thing this was pre-high-school-shooting days, because the whole place would’ve been on lockdown these days. And that would make for a shorter story. Though the scare-mail was pretty lame. It was two gladiators with a title “The Deadly Dance: A Duel to the Death.” Yep, some kids would be in juvie for that-but of course Liz and co don’t tell anyone of authority about the letter. At a staff meeting, Bruce busts in and tells them that the Palisades people took out one of the tennis players-Tom McKay-by beaming him in the head with a tennis ball. John Pfeifer (HISS! Why is anyone still associating with him?) offers to write up the incident. Liz wants only positive things in the paper, but is overruled. The paper will feature the rivalry. John, being a boy, is all for this and does some stomping and pacing around the room as he expostulates on the evilness of the Palisades High students. The next day, when the paper “hits the stands” it just makes everything worse. No one reads Liz’s boring articles, all they want to talk about is what happened at the football and tennis games. Some of the boys even use the special edition of the paper to graffiti the school walls. Liz is horrified that her beautiful journalistic words were used in such an atrocious display. Bruce is again a caricature in his anger toward Elizabeth and Palisades High. Liz berates him for turning the school into a war zone and blames it on hormones. I blame it on idiocy.
That night, it is foggy and overcast as Enid and Liz head to the warehouse to help set up. They can barely find the place, it is apparently in a ghetto part of Sweet Valley. Liz cleans up the branches hiding the street sign even while thinking they’d all be better off if she didn’t. The place is on Phantom Lane. Lame. The warehouse is a gloomy wreck and all the decorating in the world can’t make it look festive. Liz thinks they should hold a séance in the place rather than a dance. She then hangs a banner outside, but because of the rain and mist, it starts to blur-maybe it looks like it was written in blood cuz that would be awesome. They don’t tell us that, but I am going to hope.
Ken and Jessica arrive at the dance and YES! The poster looks like it “is crying bloody tears.” Ken’s “costume” is black jeans, a black denim jacket, a white t-shirt, and a ski mask. Jess thinks he looks like a gangster, but really, he probably looks like a wannabe thug aka a loser. Jess is wearing a black rayon halter dress and didn’t really bother with a costume. (but really, the best fashion came courtesy of Caitlin, the PH girl. She wore a black jumpsuit with a white shirt under it and chunky silver jewelry earlier in the book.) Jess and Ken get in line to hand in their tickets. The price was $10/person and most of both schools are there. Jess tries to get Ken to promise not to fight, but he won’t. She then vows to keep her eye on him but he disappears practically the second after she made the promise.
The boys gather outside and Winston again tries to talk them out of fighting. Bruce says he’ll talk to the PHers-with his fists! Even Todd tries to stop the punching before it starts to no avail. What really irks is that none of the guys even danced a dance with their dates. How frickin’ rude. Liz notices Todd is gone from inside the dance and goes looking for him. She is asked to dance by a cute Sherlock Holmes but brushes him off to find Todd. She keeps looking inside and never once thinks to go outside. No one else has seen any of the guys and Liz starts to panic. She finally makes a smart move and decides to call the police without first waiting to find out where everyone is.
Outside the fight is beginning. Ken is facing off with the never-before-seen leader of the PH gang. He is huge with “dangerously cold” blue eyes. Next thing Ken sees is the leader’s fist flying toward his face.
Jessica finally heads outside to look for the boys. She comes upon the fight and is shocked at the chaos. Todd is being punched in the stomach by a Palisades linebacker. The ToddPunch returned to its owner! Too bad there isn't a pool to be pushed into. Jess sees Ken on the ground and screams and runs over to him. His face is all bloody and his attacker is looking down at his corpsey body. His attacker is...Christian! Jessica covers her face with her hands, hears the wail of sirens in the distance, and then passes out for some reason. I guess the stress of her two lovers fighting was just too much for her and she was overcome. How damsel-in-distressy.
CLIFFHANGER!!!
Stay tuned for what happens next in The High School Wars.