short thoughts while en route home
made a short trip back this summer and i must say many things have definitely changed...including me, for i have also made some decisions/responded in ways that i would never have considered before...haha...
as in the earlier post, i have made it clear to this senior of mine that i am no longer the same as before where i would simply accede to his requests and follow his lead. maybe i shldnt have been so irresponsible in canceling our appointment at the last minute, but i guess it is precisely by responding in this manner that will make things clear from now. he is just another senior at work and nothing more...though i had shared much of myself with him, i guess that is all in the past and i am not going to indulge any further and so shall cut him off from my personal life...as much as i would love to chat with him but i also realized that the more i talk, the more exposed i am to him, and i think i am no longer comfortable with my current level of vulnerability with him. enough is enough. and since certain things cannot be reversed, i shall just minimize contact and keep it as it is.
i am sure our paths will cross somewhere in the future in this small world of academia-so let's just keep our interactions as minimal and simple as possible.
among friends, I always try to make a point to maintain it as a reciprocal relationship. You invite me, i shall invite you the next time-regardless who initiates. But if you turn me down, and I think that you are simply using me the first time, then I shan’t pursue it further. I made time for you when you asked to meet, but you can’t do the same when I initiate, so i guess you no longer see the worth in using me.
So just fuck off.
I shant bother anymore.
but to the main point of this post. met someone who totally resembled one of my crushes back in my high school days....haha...oh my, the physical resemblance is uncanny, totally my cup of tea BUT then comes the issue, he is in an open relationship and so i am sure nothing will come out of this again. lol...he is very nice, despite me coming up with some lame excuses to explain for my disappearance during a planned second meeting, he was nice enough to invite me for another time...hahaha...maybe its the right timing and i got to enjoy a threesome for the first time, though the other party did not seem to be interested in me (which i can understand since i was not part of their original plan...haha...), it was nice to meet him and had my final meal with before leaving the country
i must say a part of me really likes him, as his appearance is totally my type. though i also know that we cannot really click on several levels, since he mentioned he "cannot read" in the same way that i cannot do sports...haha...so i guess keeping the relationship or whatever interactions we have as purely carnal should be fine. i just need to stop fantasizing and feeling jealous whenever i think about him with other guys...haha...oh my, what on earth am i thinking. i really wish him all the best, since there is no way we could ever meet again or even develop anything further...haha...me and my wishful thinking. but it is nice to meet him and i enjoyed the short time we had. i guess it is that part of me that cannot stop but feel envy about plu who is able to find 素敵な encounters and have a happy ending ever after...haha...i need to resolve this ridiculous emotions within.
one of the greatest regrets i have might be the fact that i failed to come to terms with my sexuality at an earlier age. my family background did not make it any easier. my own personality and experiences so far definitely were not helpful either. haha. beginning to play and explore at such a late age made me realized the precious time lost and all the possible lost chances. haha. i absolutely hate myself for that. but what can i do now? all is done and over, and there is absolutely no way of reversing my circumstances. it is only in typing that i express this unwanted expression of self-pity, haha, i know how worthless this might sound and how damaging this feeling is to my psyche, but if i do not express these feelings of self-pity in writing, it will remain in its entirety within and in time such emotions will pent up, and may even self-explode as it becomes more hurtful to me as time passes.
but oh wells, i understand clearly that there is no point in indulging in self-pity.
i just have to move on and see what i can do next. yup, looking forward is the only way out, however difficult it may sound there is no other alternative.
i guess in my current state, any long-term planning would not just be wishful thinking but also an outrageous indulgence.