Stabby rip stab stab..
...And suffocate me dry.
Wow...Emo....Anyway.
I hate life again today.
Christmas was...okay. Great at first, then went steadily downhill.
I got everything I wanted. Two pairs of converse, sweatshirts, Scrubs DVDs, a new digital camera, leather jacket from Eric, and Nightmare Before Christmas stuff.
After presents Eric came with us to my Grandmas house. It was okay at first but I started getting sad towards the end cuz Eric said something about how he wanted things to be before he leaves and then I found out that my cousin is going to rehab.
After that I went to Erics house and had dinner with his mom and sister. Eric mentioned something about wanting to start over. I could have understood wanting to start over after we got back together this last time, cuz I wanted to do that. But he wants to start over because of all this stuff thats going on. All the stuff with Ashley, Kirstie, Dan, all the fighting we've been doing. If none of this was going on Id say sure, whatever. But I dont know if I can just forget about all this shit hes done. I told him I'd think about it, but I already know my answer.
After dinner German and David kidknapped us. We met up with Andrew, Josh and Neal and looked for Maltby cemetary. David thought itd be fun and told us its supposedly haunted. Eric, German and I were driving around until about 1am trying to find the cemetary until we said fuck it and went home. The whole time though Eric kept saying that he was breaking up with me so I could be with German cuz I guess it "looked" like I would rather be with him than Eric. When in reality, I was hanging out with German because it was the first time I'd seen him in 5 months, Eric kept walking away from me and ignoring me, and German was the only person who would really talk to me. Josh did a little but then he walked off and talked to Andrew. But yeah, at first I knew Eric was just joking around. But after awhile I started getting confused and depressed because he was actually acting like it was true. He wouldnt hold my hand, he wouldnt hug me. It hurt. So I started getting really confused because literally right before we left his house he was telling me how much he loves me and asking me if Id be his forever.
So I got all depressed and then even more confused when German dropped us off back at Erics and Eric started acting like nothing happened. And when I told him I was upset he had no idea why. He started saying his a bad boyfriend and he asked me why I was still with him. Eric fell asleep pretty much immediatly but I was up crying all night. He wouldnt even hold me when he was awake and I was crying. At least not for very long. He gave me a hug then rolled over and had his back to me all night. He says he gets too uncomfortable holding me. He says he has to face the edge of the bed. >< He can be such an ass. If he was feeling even remotely like I was last night, fuck my comfort! Seriously, I'd be all about doing anything and everything I could to make him feel better. Thats how it should be.
We got up at 6 so I could go home and get ready for work. Well, really, Eric got up at 6. I was still up. He slept in my room while I got ready and then he took me to work.
Work was slow, so all I really did was sit and think. I went home at 12 and tried to get some sleep but people kept calling me. Eric called me at one point but wouldnt really talk to me even though he knew I was depressed. I kept asking him if he really loves me and if he really wants to be with me, but I didnt really get an answer. David called me before I talked to Eric and said we were gonna go see a movie when I get off work tonight and when I talked to Eric about it he said "Lame."
Erics friend Sam had a party tonight that I was invited to, and when I called Eric to ask him to have German come get me he said no because everyone was drinking. I was really looking forward to going. I really needed to see Eric today. I really needed a hug. I kept crying at work. I never do that. I kept having to run to the bathroom so I could hide from people so no one I work with would see me crying.
I asked Eric why he kind of avoids me when I need him the most. Everytime I get really depressed like this he wont talk to me on the phone and he makes no effort to come see me. If he felt like I did I would drop everything and go see him. Sometimes I just dont think he cares about me or how I feel at all. He'd act different if he really did. If he really loved and cared for me like he claims, if he really wanted to keep me and be with me, he'd act like it.
Im so confused right now. I really need to think things over.
Wow...Emo....Anyway.
I hate life again today.
Christmas was...okay. Great at first, then went steadily downhill.
I got everything I wanted. Two pairs of converse, sweatshirts, Scrubs DVDs, a new digital camera, leather jacket from Eric, and Nightmare Before Christmas stuff.
After presents Eric came with us to my Grandmas house. It was okay at first but I started getting sad towards the end cuz Eric said something about how he wanted things to be before he leaves and then I found out that my cousin is going to rehab.
After that I went to Erics house and had dinner with his mom and sister. Eric mentioned something about wanting to start over. I could have understood wanting to start over after we got back together this last time, cuz I wanted to do that. But he wants to start over because of all this stuff thats going on. All the stuff with Ashley, Kirstie, Dan, all the fighting we've been doing. If none of this was going on Id say sure, whatever. But I dont know if I can just forget about all this shit hes done. I told him I'd think about it, but I already know my answer.
After dinner German and David kidknapped us. We met up with Andrew, Josh and Neal and looked for Maltby cemetary. David thought itd be fun and told us its supposedly haunted. Eric, German and I were driving around until about 1am trying to find the cemetary until we said fuck it and went home. The whole time though Eric kept saying that he was breaking up with me so I could be with German cuz I guess it "looked" like I would rather be with him than Eric. When in reality, I was hanging out with German because it was the first time I'd seen him in 5 months, Eric kept walking away from me and ignoring me, and German was the only person who would really talk to me. Josh did a little but then he walked off and talked to Andrew. But yeah, at first I knew Eric was just joking around. But after awhile I started getting confused and depressed because he was actually acting like it was true. He wouldnt hold my hand, he wouldnt hug me. It hurt. So I started getting really confused because literally right before we left his house he was telling me how much he loves me and asking me if Id be his forever.
So I got all depressed and then even more confused when German dropped us off back at Erics and Eric started acting like nothing happened. And when I told him I was upset he had no idea why. He started saying his a bad boyfriend and he asked me why I was still with him. Eric fell asleep pretty much immediatly but I was up crying all night. He wouldnt even hold me when he was awake and I was crying. At least not for very long. He gave me a hug then rolled over and had his back to me all night. He says he gets too uncomfortable holding me. He says he has to face the edge of the bed. >< He can be such an ass. If he was feeling even remotely like I was last night, fuck my comfort! Seriously, I'd be all about doing anything and everything I could to make him feel better. Thats how it should be.
We got up at 6 so I could go home and get ready for work. Well, really, Eric got up at 6. I was still up. He slept in my room while I got ready and then he took me to work.
Work was slow, so all I really did was sit and think. I went home at 12 and tried to get some sleep but people kept calling me. Eric called me at one point but wouldnt really talk to me even though he knew I was depressed. I kept asking him if he really loves me and if he really wants to be with me, but I didnt really get an answer. David called me before I talked to Eric and said we were gonna go see a movie when I get off work tonight and when I talked to Eric about it he said "Lame."
Erics friend Sam had a party tonight that I was invited to, and when I called Eric to ask him to have German come get me he said no because everyone was drinking. I was really looking forward to going. I really needed to see Eric today. I really needed a hug. I kept crying at work. I never do that. I kept having to run to the bathroom so I could hide from people so no one I work with would see me crying.
I asked Eric why he kind of avoids me when I need him the most. Everytime I get really depressed like this he wont talk to me on the phone and he makes no effort to come see me. If he felt like I did I would drop everything and go see him. Sometimes I just dont think he cares about me or how I feel at all. He'd act different if he really did. If he really loved and cared for me like he claims, if he really wanted to keep me and be with me, he'd act like it.
Im so confused right now. I really need to think things over.