Space Bound
Okay, so I could tell that soon Rebecca would get upset with me for being so hard on myself and I correctly deduced that the situation would lead to me having my ass handed to me once she started ranting back. So I figured I would post most of everything in here. Don't know how long or short this will be, but it is a rant so forewarning you may not want to read all of it.
Alright, so I woke up this morning after having a cornucopia of dreams about saving the post apocalyptic world, Rebecca's parents meeting me and hating me[She doesn't know this, so Bee, if you're reading this, lol, yeah, your parents hate me.], as well as a dream about a particular female which I do not like so much. I'm not going to use names in this because its too embarrassing to repeat aloud or in writing. However, I have a strong distaste for this woman. I don't know her personally but I know of her and her actions and things she's said. I think she's a terrible person and have examples of why.
But I digress. She was in my dream last night. This particular woman happened to date a particular guy who, at this point, let's face it, I've been pretty deeply in love with for almost three years now. It's pathetic and shit happened with him last year just when I'd just forgotten that he even existed. What a fuckhead right? I was already over him and had completely forgotten about him and then suddenly he re-entered my life. [But hey, at least I can hold out for the hope that if I can do it once, I can do it again. I hope.]
So this effing dream about this bitch was basically her showing up at my school. Like she was a new student there, which if you knew who I was talking about. You'd know that, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Anyway. I confronted her. Of course. That fucking makes sense. So glad. Anyway. She was a bitch as expected and then for some reason proceeded to tell me all about their relationship and sex life, and other shit that I was like why the eff are you telling me this? I want to punch you as it is. But she did. And I listened.
So this morning I woke up with him on my mind because obviously she is his ex. And I'm just like, why the fuck does this shit happen to me? I don't understand what I do to deserve this kind of shit. But apparently I'm a terrible person or something. Sigh. Anyway. So I started texting Becca...
Because another fun thing that's started happening is, I will come over to Eskaton to take care of my dad and as soon as I hit the door I start missing this guy. And in such a weird way. This used to happen to me all the time when I would get really sleepy or tired and worn down. I wouldn't want to sleep necessarily. I wanted him to be here with me on such a basic level. Not because I was feeling like he could do something about it, but just his presence would fix me or something.
I don't effing know, okay? I just did.
And lately I've been getting that same feeling again. Like he should be here. To experience this with me. Or be here for moral support. I don't know. I used to listen to his music to make myself feel better. Or watch his silly little TV show. Which should be a dead giveaway for who I'm talking about now.
So go ahead. Call me crazy. You wouldn't be the first to do so.
But this primal need for him to be around drives me insane. I don't even know this guy personally. And he doesn't even know that I exist. Even if he did at one point I'm sure he's forgotten by now. And I can't keep doing this. Not to myself or poor Rebecca who has to deal with me constantly complaining about how much I hate him. Or how I can't stop thinking about him and what happened.
I gotta give this guy kudos because even the people the fucked with me as a kid didn't get me this good. Thanks fucker. That was an extremely impressive way of messing with my head, and permanently fucking up my heart. You should get some kind of fucking award for that. You're lucky my writing skill doesn't extend to song writing at this point. Otherwise I'd be Taylor Swifting your ass AGAIN. I would roll out a career based on the shit I've been through since that fucking ordeal.
[So there was a brief pause whilst I was writing this. A friend at the care center. Russell. Stopped in to say hello and talk for a while. We got some coffee and discussed a few things. He's pretty chill. But I'm not his favorite. He loves my sister. But he's a cool dude. So anyway. Back to this.]
You know what? I don't even have the energy to finish this. So I'm just going to leave it as it is and possibly start another post about something else. But I'm done with this BS.
xx
Lena
Alright, so I woke up this morning after having a cornucopia of dreams about saving the post apocalyptic world, Rebecca's parents meeting me and hating me[She doesn't know this, so Bee, if you're reading this, lol, yeah, your parents hate me.], as well as a dream about a particular female which I do not like so much. I'm not going to use names in this because its too embarrassing to repeat aloud or in writing. However, I have a strong distaste for this woman. I don't know her personally but I know of her and her actions and things she's said. I think she's a terrible person and have examples of why.
But I digress. She was in my dream last night. This particular woman happened to date a particular guy who, at this point, let's face it, I've been pretty deeply in love with for almost three years now. It's pathetic and shit happened with him last year just when I'd just forgotten that he even existed. What a fuckhead right? I was already over him and had completely forgotten about him and then suddenly he re-entered my life. [But hey, at least I can hold out for the hope that if I can do it once, I can do it again. I hope.]
So this effing dream about this bitch was basically her showing up at my school. Like she was a new student there, which if you knew who I was talking about. You'd know that, that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Anyway. I confronted her. Of course. That fucking makes sense. So glad. Anyway. She was a bitch as expected and then for some reason proceeded to tell me all about their relationship and sex life, and other shit that I was like why the eff are you telling me this? I want to punch you as it is. But she did. And I listened.
So this morning I woke up with him on my mind because obviously she is his ex. And I'm just like, why the fuck does this shit happen to me? I don't understand what I do to deserve this kind of shit. But apparently I'm a terrible person or something. Sigh. Anyway. So I started texting Becca...
Because another fun thing that's started happening is, I will come over to Eskaton to take care of my dad and as soon as I hit the door I start missing this guy. And in such a weird way. This used to happen to me all the time when I would get really sleepy or tired and worn down. I wouldn't want to sleep necessarily. I wanted him to be here with me on such a basic level. Not because I was feeling like he could do something about it, but just his presence would fix me or something.
I don't effing know, okay? I just did.
And lately I've been getting that same feeling again. Like he should be here. To experience this with me. Or be here for moral support. I don't know. I used to listen to his music to make myself feel better. Or watch his silly little TV show. Which should be a dead giveaway for who I'm talking about now.
So go ahead. Call me crazy. You wouldn't be the first to do so.
But this primal need for him to be around drives me insane. I don't even know this guy personally. And he doesn't even know that I exist. Even if he did at one point I'm sure he's forgotten by now. And I can't keep doing this. Not to myself or poor Rebecca who has to deal with me constantly complaining about how much I hate him. Or how I can't stop thinking about him and what happened.
I gotta give this guy kudos because even the people the fucked with me as a kid didn't get me this good. Thanks fucker. That was an extremely impressive way of messing with my head, and permanently fucking up my heart. You should get some kind of fucking award for that. You're lucky my writing skill doesn't extend to song writing at this point. Otherwise I'd be Taylor Swifting your ass AGAIN. I would roll out a career based on the shit I've been through since that fucking ordeal.
[So there was a brief pause whilst I was writing this. A friend at the care center. Russell. Stopped in to say hello and talk for a while. We got some coffee and discussed a few things. He's pretty chill. But I'm not his favorite. He loves my sister. But he's a cool dude. So anyway. Back to this.]
You know what? I don't even have the energy to finish this. So I'm just going to leave it as it is and possibly start another post about something else. But I'm done with this BS.
xx
Lena