Don't Dream It's Over/Undiscovered/Climbing the Walls
So today was my birthday. And I don't really feel like talking about it too much. I spent most of it depressed which wasn't much fun. But we got dinner, well burgers, but it was good. And my sister put a votive on the burger before I ate it. And since I didn't have a cake they sang happy birthday to me around the burger. It got my dad smiling and for a split second I was thinking to myself. Best birthday ever. Thank you God for this moment. I'm holding onto that moment because it was after that, that I didn't feel so great.
I realize that I've been holding onto something for a really long time. And I've been trying to let go. But tonight it dawned on me that I have in fact been holding on deep down. I also realized that it scares the hell out of to forget about him all over again. But I know its time. Something tells me he's found someone really special and I'm really happy for him. I think that's the best thing I could wish for him. And I found myself being grateful that he's been having such an experience.
So this is me calling it quits. No more of this. No more of him. I'm giving up. Putting this one of the shelf and walking away. It's time. And while I know that something inside of me has now completely changed. That's okay.
I've turned inward again. And realize fully that I am doing so. But its not just him that I'm giving up on. I give up on all of them. I'm done. It's just my time. Its not worth it anymore. I'd rather just be alone. Besides. Why do I need anyone else? I'll be fine.
I just needed to get that out of my system. No more of their music, nor his alone, no more getting nostalgic and watching their show or their movies, no more looking at pictures that show up on my tumblr, no more writing about them. Its done. Finished.
I'll miss it. That's for sure. I don't think I'll ever feel that way again...
You know, they always tell you that you'll find someone new. But how many someones have I been through at this point? I'm tired. It's just not worth. The truth is, I loved him. More than anyone I have in my life. It was such a deep and mysterious thing to experience. So different from anything I'd known. Because I never fully understood it myself. But at least I got to feel that way once in my life. Some people aren't even that lucky. So at least I have that. But no one will ever be him. And you know what? I don't want them to be.
I'm 22 as of yesterday. It seems really young to know that you don't want to find love because it hurts too much. But I've been through a lot for a person my age. Still going through it. I'll be fine. It's just my way. My path to go down. And I will.
Thanks for giving me someone to look up to, a hero who didn't try too hard, but just was. Thank you for making me fall in love with you. Every stupid thing you said. Every dumb thing you did. You changed my life. And I will never forget you for that. You taught me a number of things and I still hold to some of the things that you put a stop to in me. Thank you for your family. Thank you for the music. Thank you for getting me through all the tough times you got me through. Thank you for never once letting me down. I can never thank you enough for the way in which you touched my life and changed my heart. You're a wonderful person and deserve all the best in the coming days. I hope she's the one for you. I hope you get married. I hope she loves you more than even I could. And better. I hope you have a beautiful and large family. I hope you never cease to have fans. I hope you never stop creating music. I hope you never stop changing the world in the ways subtly and not so subtly that you do. Thank you for saving my life. I wouldn't be here without you. Good-bye.
xoxo
Lena
I realize that I've been holding onto something for a really long time. And I've been trying to let go. But tonight it dawned on me that I have in fact been holding on deep down. I also realized that it scares the hell out of to forget about him all over again. But I know its time. Something tells me he's found someone really special and I'm really happy for him. I think that's the best thing I could wish for him. And I found myself being grateful that he's been having such an experience.
So this is me calling it quits. No more of this. No more of him. I'm giving up. Putting this one of the shelf and walking away. It's time. And while I know that something inside of me has now completely changed. That's okay.
I've turned inward again. And realize fully that I am doing so. But its not just him that I'm giving up on. I give up on all of them. I'm done. It's just my time. Its not worth it anymore. I'd rather just be alone. Besides. Why do I need anyone else? I'll be fine.
I just needed to get that out of my system. No more of their music, nor his alone, no more getting nostalgic and watching their show or their movies, no more looking at pictures that show up on my tumblr, no more writing about them. Its done. Finished.
I'll miss it. That's for sure. I don't think I'll ever feel that way again...
You know, they always tell you that you'll find someone new. But how many someones have I been through at this point? I'm tired. It's just not worth. The truth is, I loved him. More than anyone I have in my life. It was such a deep and mysterious thing to experience. So different from anything I'd known. Because I never fully understood it myself. But at least I got to feel that way once in my life. Some people aren't even that lucky. So at least I have that. But no one will ever be him. And you know what? I don't want them to be.
I'm 22 as of yesterday. It seems really young to know that you don't want to find love because it hurts too much. But I've been through a lot for a person my age. Still going through it. I'll be fine. It's just my way. My path to go down. And I will.
Thanks for giving me someone to look up to, a hero who didn't try too hard, but just was. Thank you for making me fall in love with you. Every stupid thing you said. Every dumb thing you did. You changed my life. And I will never forget you for that. You taught me a number of things and I still hold to some of the things that you put a stop to in me. Thank you for your family. Thank you for the music. Thank you for getting me through all the tough times you got me through. Thank you for never once letting me down. I can never thank you enough for the way in which you touched my life and changed my heart. You're a wonderful person and deserve all the best in the coming days. I hope she's the one for you. I hope you get married. I hope she loves you more than even I could. And better. I hope you have a beautiful and large family. I hope you never cease to have fans. I hope you never stop creating music. I hope you never stop changing the world in the ways subtly and not so subtly that you do. Thank you for saving my life. I wouldn't be here without you. Good-bye.
xoxo
Lena