Ensnarl (Part Two)
Title: Ensnarl
Rating: R
Pairing: Jeti/ Taeny
Summary: Caught in the web of betrayal, what's happening to us?
A/N: Awkward topic to post? What's done is done. and this second half is pretty long.
[Don’t ever try breaking up for me, Tiff. All we have is now.]
Jessica was so different from Taeyeon.
Tiffany compared them subconsciously even though she wouldn’t admit it. Not that Taeyeon wasn’t great for her, no, Taeyeon was wonderful. Taeyeon was sweet, sentimental and stable. The beginnings of their relationship and even years down the road she found that she enjoyed that side about Taeyeon. Perhaps it was really the lethargy from a chaotic lifestyle, or maybe it was the correct time to settle, either way, Taeyeon had fit into her life.
But she didn’t realize that Taeyeon was a piece of missing puzzle that wasn’t a perfect fit. Maybe it was a dent or a slight crack, but she didn’t fit as seamlessly as Tiffany thought she did. When Jessica came into the picture, she probably accentuated what was missing.
In fact, it was almost like Jessica was missing, just because Tiffany felt so right with her. Even though everything was, on paper, so bloody wrong, Tiffany couldn’t push away how she felt. She gave up on explanations and relied on the natural responses her body and heart had to Jessica.
Jessica was so different from Taeyeon, in a pretty twisted way.
A month went by since Jessica went up to Tiffany in the café before Tiffany finally spilled the beans. Tiffany didn't know why she took so long. It should be something easy and if Jessica decided to flip out on her she would just leave. That had been the way for her previously, she wasn’t scared of losing anything then. Tiffany wasn't sure whether Taeyeon or Jessica was the one who caused the change in her. Tiffany didn't want to examine the reason behind her reluctance to tell Jessica the truth as well, she was afraid that the answer would be that four letter word.
Love.
Love would make the whole equation messed up.
However, Jessica didn't even look perturbed when Tiffany broke the news about the existence of a certain Taeyeon. She simply nodded without much thought, her focus didn’t shift from the novel in her hand, and the only sound was the television that was showing some classic movie. It’s strange for Jessica to have a TV in her room, Tiffany had this fleeting thought, she didn’t seem like a TV addict at all. Just lazy, that was the conclusion Tiffany arrived at as she poked Jessica in the ribs, hoping to incite some response. Jessica’s hand naturally moved to stop Tiffany’s offending finger and held on to it tightly, seemingly more so than usual.
"I don't really care you know? I didn't approach you, okay, technically I did. But you stalked me first," Jessica shrugged, nonchalance evident, "and that would make you the perpetrator. So whatever."
Tiffany was a bit too accurate with her perception of Jessica, she was almost hurt by the way Jessica brushed off everything. She never imagined that there would be this day that she actually wanted to question someone about their feelings. Was it just sex? Weren’t there actual feelings involved?
Tiffany grabbed the TV remote, switched off the television and plucked the book from Jessica’s hand; the hotheaded side had gotten the better of her. The secret dwelled deep within, but Tiffany just had to fish it out.
“Do you love me?”
Tiffany saw the way Jessica’s eyes flickered slightly, changing from irritation to a flash of confusion before she laughed. A floaty laugh, as though Jessica was mocking her, and she didn’t like it.
“Surprise surprise, you're the last one I'd expect to say such things,” a hand landed on Tiffany’s lap, “Tiff, are we in high school?”
“No,” Tiffany scowled, “but I hope I won’t be hearing shit like I’m a good fuck.”
“But you are.”
Jessica sounded so serious that Tiffany couldn’t think of a good rebuttal instantly. Everything was strange, how she acted, the question she asked and how far Taeyeon was away from her mind. Her sole focus was Jessica and that was probably a sin.
“And you're a lot of other things as well,” Jessica added on suddenly, voice quiet and a small smile on that exquisite face.
That was good enough for Tiffany, and she realized then that she had felt insecure. A ridiculous and foreign feeling that Jessica stirred up. Tiffany had never felt insecure in her whole life; she was too casual or too confident for such a feeling to creep up on her. Jessica had rocked the scale Tiffany set herself on, the balance was gone.
It was strangely exciting.
“Tiff,” Jessica called out seductively, “I guess it means we have to be sneaky and quiet now?”
“Not for sex though.”
Tiffany smirked and pounced on Jessica without a second thought. Jessica’s laugh rang out, pleased with the reply and soon the room was filled with loud pants and moans.
“I’m a really bad woman,” Jessica breathed into Tiffany’s ear as she was consumed by the waves of pleasure.
***
Taeyeon couldn't accept Tiffany being involved with other people. Those one-night stands and all the flirting, which symbolized the unrestricted side of Tiffany. Taeyeon had made it clear that she didn't like it, and expressed explicitly that monogamy was the basis of relationships. It was surprising, even to herself, but Tiffany decided that she should at least try to adjust to that. After all, they were officially in a relationship.
Monogamy. It was such a foreign term to Tiffany.
She tried to reject people and steered away from overly enticing situations. It wasn’t easy, Tiffany spent about a year getting used to a normal lifestyle. Taeyeon tolerated all her near mistakes and those uncontrollable times whereby someone too cute just had to appear and she couldn’t help but touch or make out slightly with them. Tiffany was changing and Taeyeon waited for her. That got to Tiffany, there were so many instances where Taeyeon seemed so dumb to her.
“Try harder for me please?” Taeyeon had said with this determined but melancholic tone after Tiffany confessed she nearly screwed someone in a semi drunk state, “Come home to me, Fany. You know I’m always there for you, not those other people.”
She was so dumb but so strong and steadfast in her love that Tiffany didn’t have the heart to disappoint her anymore. She couldn’t stray, when Taeyeon looked at her with the gaze that spoke of love and after she was used to that child-like touch to Taeyeon’s smile.
And so, Tiffany started rejecting all the party invitations and crazy sleepovers. She steered clear of those particularly cute girls who would tempt her resolve, and when she felt she might stray, she pictured Taeyeon’s face in her mind. It was hard, but things got better and Taeyeon’s image became more vivid.
She replaced her nights with Taeyeon; studying with Taeyeon, dinner dates with Taeyeon, walks with Taeyeon and sex with Taeyeon. It was all Taeyeon at one point in time and suddenly her life was normal. Her grades went up and her head no longer hurt from hangovers.
Tiffany felt that she loved Taeyeon.
Sunny, her best friend since she was eight, commented on how it was as though she had came out of the rehabilitation center named Kim Taeyeon. Her tone was slightly sarcastic and she didn’t look entirely convinced that Tiffany had cleaned up her act, although the years down the road proved her wrong.
That was before Jessica happened of course.
***
Jessica was asleep when Tiffany sneaked out of the room and to the balcony. She tried to take her mind off things as she stared at the random strangers on the sidewalk. But it didn’t work a single bit. Jessica admitting that she was a bad woman had unsettled her and now she couldn’t sleep. She wasn’t exactly sure if it was just her imagination, but Jessica’s voice sounded so raw and brittle. And Tiffany had an inkling that wasn’t because of sex; it was because of emotions and Tiffany felt horrible.
She thought of Taeyeon who was somewhere touring as backup vocals to some girl group. The tour happened so conveniently and Tiffany didn’t even have to come up with excuses to be with Jessica anymore. Taeyeon wasn’t home most of the time and it made everything easier, but still the thoughts plagued her.
She looked at her phone, feeling unsure. It was late, almost one-thirty in the dead of the night, an inappropriate time to call anyone but she felt too lost.
“Helpline for the insatiable bitch named Hwang Miyoung, Sunny speaking. How may I help?”
A chirpy voice sounded through the phone and Tiffany felt this familiar warmth rushing through her. Trust Sunny to be so bright even at such a weird hour.
“Now you are condemning me as well?”
“Of course not, but sometimes I feel like I’m a helpline. You only call when you need help. I don’t even want to mention how you're calling at 1am.”
Tiffany heard Sunny clicked her tongue disapprovingly, and that tiny act lightened her heart considerably.
“That’s because you're so busy investment banker Lee Soonkyu. Count the number of times you rejected or missed my calls.”
“Holy unicorn! Guess you're right.”
“And you rather go for all those shitty performances than to meet me. ”
“It’s called arts appreciation, I invited you but you dismissed me. Now get to the point, woman.”
She could tell that Sunny was getting impatient, and she chewed on the insides of her mouth as she spoke, “I cheated on Taeyeon.”
“…Oh, wow.” Sunny’s tone was unimpressed, as though nothing Tiffany did faze her anymore.
“I am cheating on Taeyeon. Ongoing.”
“Uh huh, but wrong helpline, I only deal with sex.”
Tiffany rolled her eyes, Sunny wanted to annoy her, perhaps this cheating thing didn’t sit that well with her after all.
“Cheating includes sex and I just had sex with her,” Her tone came out harder than she wanted it to, but whatever, it was Sunny.
“Someone’s short fused today. To be honest I saw it coming, Miyoung, so I’m more surprised that it only happened now.”
Tiffany paused, the silence between them was thick and she didn’t know how to reply Sunny when her words were so accurate. So she chose to divert the attention away instead.
“Taeyeon kept going on about how much she misses you by the way”
“Tell her Super Sunny is earning money to furbish one of the rooms into a gaming hub.”
“It’s funny. How close you're to Taeyeon, when you don’t even think she’s right for me.”
“Nu-uh. I’ve never explicitly said that. Besides, she’s a great friend, I need a gamer friend in my life, variety you know. Bankers are so boring,“ and Tiffany heard a scoff on Sunny’s end, “Anyway, you’re telling me about this mess because you’ve arrived at a decision and want me to approve of it, or you’re unsure of what to do and need my input?”
“Neither, I just need someone to rant to. I’m bursting because I’m keeping it to myself.”
“And it’s the first time you aren’t announcing it, applause for you. To educate you, affairs are that way, you aren’t supposed to go around announcing it and throwing confetti.”
Tiffany wanted to hit her, she wished there was a way to physically reach Sunny through the phone, because she wasn’t being the comforting Sunny she needed right now.
“I hate your sarcasm sometimes. And she knows, the girl I’m cheating with knows about Taeyeon’s existence.”
“And she’s totally cool with it right?”
“How’d you know?!”
“Because I’m omnipresent,” Tiffany could almost imagine the Sunny rolling her eyes with the amount of sarcasm in her tone, “Or maybe I’m just good at inferring. Miyoungie, I know I’m a bad friend but I’m going to say that I don’t think cheating is right but you cheating on Taeyeon seemed kinda inevitable.”
“Thanks, Soonkyu.”
“But I’m not saying it’s right, okay? It’s wrong, you're an adult and in a stable relationship. I’d love to be on your side, but I’m neutral this time.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.”
“Save that for Taeyeon.”
“She heard it countless times, I could spare you one.”
“Why thank you, I guess I should just accept it then,” she heard Sunny chuckle, as if she was hinting that the apology would come in handy somehow.
Sunny was the one Tiffany could depend on, one loyal friend that stood by her since she was young. Sunny saw the whole process, discovering her sexuality and the confusion, all the way to her high school fiasco and college atrocities. Tiffany was Miyoung to Sunny, and that gave her some comfort. Whatever shit she did, Sunny would always remain as Miyoung’s friend.
“You're not a horrible person Miyoungie, you're a wonderful person, just bad with this relationship thing.”
With the way Sunny stood by her, she couldn’t decide who was more screwed up- her or Sunny.
After her little call to Sunny, Tiffany didn’t move from her spot on the balcony, preferring to let her thoughts settle. Unintentionally, her eyes fell on the pots of cactus on the ledge; they were growing so silently, like they were undisturbed and unnoticed by the world. Tiffany couldn’t recall Jessica watering them, in fact she didn’t even realize they exist.
“How apt,” Tiffany thought out loud.
“What’s apt?”
Jessica’s voice floated over, slightly husky from her sleep, and a warm body pressed against Tiffany’s back. She felt her heartbeat quickened when Jessica’s face buried into her neck, and she smelled that scent again.
“The cactus,” Tiffany replied without hesitating, lost in Jessica’s scent and warmth.
“Oh, the cactus…” Jessica’s tone was strange, as if she choked and for a second, Tiffany thought Jessica actually figured out her thoughts, “whatever floats your boat, but I’m feeling slightly hungry.”
She could hear the pout in Jessica’ voice, it was adorable and Tiffany forgot about what was bothering her. Be it Taeyeon, or the cactus.
***
Tiffany came home to a postcard from Taeyeon, it showed a strange statue that was a combination of a lion head and fish body spouting water against a backdrop of brightly lit buildings. Tiffany chuckled softly, Taeyeon had drawn pink hearts all over the postcard. She flipped it over and read the shorts snippets of her tour ending off with an “I’m missing you so much it’s more incredible than the water spouting lion-fish.”
Taeyeon was a romantic, really cheesy at times and often coughing up cringe worthy lines. But the habit of sending Tiffany a postcard whenever she flew with some big shot singer always gave her a tingling feeling in the heart. There were even a number of times that had her bursting into jovial songs as she twirled around the house from the blissful sensations.
Received your postcard with the water-spouting thing. I love you taetae.
The message was sent to Taeyeon, and Tiffany knew she wouldn’t be receiving a reply anytime soon. She was probably doing rehearsals or something somewhere. Tiffany wondered how she could possibly predict things about Taeyeon so well, was it because of the stability and extensive knowledge of each other? Or was it just her pretending to know it so well?
Maybe Taeyeon was fucking one of the hot girls in the group at the moment, who knows? Tiffany laughed and her voice echoed slightly in their apartment.
Such a typical cheater mindset, Tiffany thought scornfully.
Her own actions had made her overly suspicious. It was ridiculous, and she felt something stirred in her.
Something that resembled guilt had made its way into Tiffany.
***
Is it possible to actually love two people at one time?
Tiffany asked herself this for the umpteenth time. She was at Jessica’s apartment as usual and listening to the sound of Jessica typing. She had some last minute things to edit, and Tiffany was left without a lover and bored out of her mind as random questions kept running through her head.
The whole apartment was basking in the glow of the sun. A sunny day, and it was rare that Tiffany got to see natural light when she was with Jessica. Somehow it was always at night that they got together, and those nights were mostly moody. Even the moon refused to shine on them.
As Tiffany scrutinized the apartment out of boredom, she noticed an obscure corner on the shelf, a small corner mostly filled with thick and academic looking books. Tiffany never bothered to look at the shelf properly, she knew it was there, spanning the whole length of the wall. She could make out the magazines, fashion and make-up books, novels that covered various genres and a few rows of CDs. Then there was that obscure corner, right at the bottom corner, semi-hidden by the lamp.
Tiffany went up to it and sat down, looking at it curiously. The books in that particular corner felt out of place, it seemed like another world altogether; Books that appeared too nerdy for Jessica- Business Law, Investment Management, Finance, Market strategies, Economics journals and all the likes. Tiffany felt her brain blew up just by reading the titles. She never developed a liking for such subjects since young and her ties with numbers was practically non-existent. In fact, she only passed her compulsory mathematical module in college because Sunny taught her, travelling all the way to her college everyday for two weeks until she felt confident enough to scrap a pass.
“Jessi!”
“Yeah?”
“Why do you have books that are meant for the furnace?”
“Huh?” The typing sounds ceased, Jessica was truly confused.
“Economics Journals? Seriously?!”
“Tried to put on an intelligent facade,” came the reply, and the typing resumed, “besides, they're the best companion for sleepless nights. A paragraph of it and I sleep like a log.”
Tiffany laughed, suddenly feeling that there was so much more to Jessica for her learn. It was like a brand new exploration and adventure, Jessica had so many sides to her that it amazed Tiffany. As she looked passed the books, the CDs caught her attention. They were separated from the other CDs, and somehow Tiffany could see why Jessica did that. The CDs here were would experience a culture clash with those on the main rack.
“Jazz?” Tiffany looked to Jessica, holding up a box set sounding particularly amused, “Wow and classical music? I thought you were a pop and dance junkie? What’s this, uh… Anni de something?”
“Années de pèlerinage, by Liszt. Classical music’s good for relaxation, calms the mind I think.”
“Oh my god, you sound possessed. I’ve got friends that say the exact same shit.”
“Taeyeon?”
Tiffany didn’t expect Taeyeon to come up, and it stung. The way Jessica said it, so off-handedly, as if Taeyeon was any other name she could just throw around. She couldn’t tell if it was the way it was said or just the name itself that got on her nerves. Too many lines had been blurred.
“No,” Tiffany felt a flash of anger, “I’ve got other people around me besides her you know.”
“She’s the only one I know. It was a passing comment, chill Tiff.”
Tiffany didn’t reply but simply diverted her attention back to the CDs in that obscure corner of Jessica’s wall of shelves. Some titles seemed familiar to Tiffany, which had her wondering if it was déjà vu; she wasn’t one to listen to all these music and if it felt familiar it must be some sort of destiny.
Or maybe Taeyeon mentioned them before, this thought slipped into her mind before she could stop herself. It was unsettling, the way Taeyeon wormed her way more and more often into her mind. Tiffany was sure it was a sign, just that she had no idea what it meant exactly.
Then Jessica shouted something over.
“I’m sorry about mentioning her.”
She sounded genuinely apologetic, and that just made Tiffany feel worse.
***
“Have you heard the latest?”
“What?”
“The affair of course, I heard they met at some bar.”
“Wasn’t it a café?”
“The Starbucks a few streets down?”
“Yesss! Didn’t you know, they-”
Tiffany froze in the toilet cubicle, she recognized the voices outside. They were two of the biggest gossipmongers around and the story they were chattering excitedly about sounded uncomfortably familiar. Too much like how she met Jessica, and Tiffany felt the anxiety washed over her.
They couldn’t know, could they?
“I heard it was pretty fast and furious.”
“Oooh, they fucked?”
“Of course! That girl was sooooo horny-“
Tiffany slammed the cubicle door open and saw the two gossipmongers jumped back in surprise. She had to shut these two up, but as she glared at them she wondered how did the news leak and spread. Did that mean that she had to face Taeyeon with the truth soon? But it was her workplace, that didn’t overlap with Taeyeon’s. Maybe it could be kept under wraps…
“Oh Tiffany, it’s you! You scared me, I thought it was Jihyo.”
“Huh? Jihyo?”
Kang Jihyo the director? Now that didn’t make sense.
“Of course! Haven’t you heard about the affair? It’s hot news!”
As the women blabbered on about the latest news, which was mostly made up in her opinion, Tiffany realized how uptight she was. There were those few words that could make her all sensitive and paranoid.
Maybe she was only good at the brazen flirting and intimacy. This stealthily cheating thing was not her forte.
***
Taeyeon was set to return soon and in a rash moment, Tiffany decided that it was the right time to drag Jessica out of the apartment. Jessica protested furiously, insisting that she preferred the comforts of her house and the AC. Only after much persuading and cajoling plus promises of a cool place with fantastic dessert did Jessica finally relent.
They walked, shopped, and filled the day with precious memories. Jessica looked slightly bemused with Tiffany’s utter adoration for anything pink, especially when Tiffany picked out a pink headphone that dazzled with the sheer number of crystals on it. Too flashy, Jessica frowned and got a pout from Tiffany.
When Jessica finally lamented that she was too tired to continue, Tiffany led her to a quaint little shop that had wonderful dessert. They were carrying shopping bags and sharing a rare normal moment with Tiffany’s hand pressed against the small of Jessica’s back. Everything was so out in the open and on that day, it felt like they were just a couple, pure and simple. It was a date that didn’t feel like they were trying to hide from the world.
“Fany!”
Tiffany recoiled, shock taking over when she heard that familiar name that Taeyeon called her by. For that split second, she thought it was Taeyeon, that she was caught even though she wasn’t really doing anything suspicious. It was terribly disconcerting.
But she knew Taeyeon’s voice by heart and that wasn’t her.
“Hey Hyo,” Tiffany smiled, having cleared her head and calmed her nerves.
“Haven’t seen you in aaages,”Hyoyeon had a wide smile on, “Come on, let’s catch up! Are you Fany’s friend? I’m Hyoyeon, but just call me Hyo. ”
“Hi, I’m Jessica,” Tiffany was amazed at how calm Jessica was, looking like nothing was amiss, as she flashed that polite smile of hers.
As they walked over to Hyoyeon’s table, Tiffany absent-mindedly moved some stray hair out of Jessica’s face, a gesture not noticed by Hyoyeon who was walking ahead. Tiffany, though, was startled by her own action. It was too natural, too close to a habitual gesture.
Jessica didn’t react on the surface, but as she followed behind Hyoyeon, Tiffany felt a finger trailed down from her forearm to the back of her palm. It was so subtle that it sent shivers tingling down.
“Why aren’t you on tour with Tae though?” Tiffany asked after they sat down, curious about Hyoyeon’s presence, “I thought you were in the concert.”
“I’m planning to start up my own dance school so I kinda took off from the concert dancing thing.”
“Oh? Your friend’s a dancer?” Jessica sounded interested as she cut in, “I’m thinking of this special column about different occupations for the magazine I work for. Dancers is one of those I’m thinking about.”
“Wow! You wanna feature me?” Hyoyeon’s eyes lit up when Jessica nodded thoughtfully.
“Female dancers are cool.”
“Awesome!” Hyoyeon leaned forward with excitement, “How about vocal instructors? I’ve got a friend, she does backing vocals as well and she’s pretty big in… hold on, I guess you’d know her since you're Fany’s friend?”
“Taeyeon?” Tiffany cringed unwittingly when Jessica said that name with such ease.
“Yep!”
“She sounds like an incredible person, I’d love to meet her.”
Tiffany felt her own facial muscles tightened, she couldn’t control them that well, unlike Jessica. This situation was a total farce. Jessica was showing admiration for Taeyeon with that heartfelt look and earnest tone. It was slightly unnerving to Tiffany, how Jessica could easily say things like meeting Taeyeon.
“Of course! She would have been a superstar if not for the fact that she dislikes the spotlight and she didn’t want the relationship with Fany to b- OH SHIT,” Hyoyeon widened her eyes as she looked to Tiffany, “sorry, um your friend knows right?”
“Yes, blabbermouth. You never ever change,” Tiffany rolled her eyes, Hyo was impossible to control.
“Great! No harm done!” Hyoyeon beamed, “Anyway those two are so in love, how can anyone not know? I bet you gays shit rainbow out.”
“Poop jokes, Taetae would love that,” Tiffany had to counter with that as she imagined Taeyeon’s face contorted from that ridiculous Ahjumma laugh. For a second, she forgot that Jessica was there and the tenderness slipped into her expression.
“Sure Fany, I’ll text her the joke, “Hyoyeon had a silly smile plastered on, “Oh and we’ve Tiffany the scriptwriter here as well.”
“Mmhmm, that’s why I’m here with her. We were going to discuss that.”
Tiffany gaped, Jessica had effortlessly explained away their meeting with a possibly bogus column and Hyoyeon didn’t suspect it at all. Jessica was smooth, possibly more so than Tiffany. It was astounding, how skilled Jessica was at this cheating thing. Tiffany never saw her as someone who could lie and put on such a perfect front, she always looked more like those with a blunt personality.
How Jessica exceled at this cheating thing eluded Tiffany.
“This’s really cool! What other occupations are you looking at?”
“All sorts to be honest. Lawyers, painters, snake charmers, anything.”
“I’ve got a banker friend, pretty high up the ladder and earning big bucks. I could introduce her to you.” Tiffany begun, hoping to make the supposed lie more realistic.
“Banker’s been taken though. Besides, bankers are apparently boring people. Find me some interesting candidates.”
Hyoyeon gushed her agreement and continued the conversation with Jessica about a jerk of a banker she met once. Just then, a moment of madness took over Tiffany’s mind, and before she could think, her hand had slipped under the table and was resting on Jessica’s thigh.
Maybe it was the adrenaline rush that came with the action, she felt this overwhelming happiness along with an exploding heart. It was on Jessica, to not show any signs of a hand caressing her thigh; To not expose them, and to not incur any suspicion from Hyoyeon.
“Tiffany, what’s with the stupid grin on your face?” Tiffany jerked her head towards Jessica who was looking at her, face not showing a single trace of panic.
“Yeah, Fany you look dumb,” Hyoyeon’s attention had drifted to Tiffany, oblivious to what was really happening.
“Oh…” Tiffany spied Jessica’s eyes, the cunning little sparks and she got the message.
Two can play this game.
“Um… I’m just thinking about the fantastic dessert that’s coming up! Yummy!” Tiffany faked an excited squeal before she squealed for real when Jessica’s nail scrapped lightly along her inner thigh.
“Right, weirdo. Next thing I know, you'd be liking poop related things just like Tae.”
Tiffany managed to give a dry laugh and she was thankful that Hyoyeon was one of the most oblivious people she had ever known. Hyoyeon noticed nothing when they sent messages to each other through meaningful gazes and light touches, or when Jessica’s chest leaned against her arms longer than necessary as she stretched for the paper napkins. Tiffany nearly made the mistake of kicking Hyoyeon when she tried to run her legs along Jessica’s, a close shave but fortunately, Hyoyeon remained clueless.
It was thrilling and adrenaline pumped into Tiffany the whole time. She felt so much closer to Jessica just by communicating with mere eye contact. It felt magical.
When Hyoyeon finally left them for another appointment, the two of them burst out laughing immediately, unable to contain the emotions that had built up within.
“That was epic,” Jessica had laughed till there were tears.
“You naughty girl!”
“Yes and you are the saint? I wonder who first started caressing my thigh, hmm?”
They shared another laugh and Tiffany was ridiculously satisfied with how the day went. It was wonderful, with Jessica by her side and almost without a care about what would the outside world think of their relationship.
“It was nice to meet someone you know. Like, a real living person.”
It was out of the blue and Jessica said it with such a casual tone, as if she was merely pointing out a trivial issue. But it doused Tiffany’s mood, it sounded like a subtle hint to her even though she knew that it really wasn’t.
They lived in an empty world, created solely by the two of them and had everyone removed. Everyone else in their conversations were labeled as friends, colleagues, buddy, whatever it was no names were mentioned. It was only Taeyeon, she existed in the back of their head, behind the glossed over truth of their relationship. Taeyeon was like the thorn, a glaring reality in their constructed world.
Hyoyeon was a passing cloud; what really was waiting for them, was Taeyeon.
***
Taeyeon was back.
Tiffany had prepared herself prior to it, she knew the tour ended and Taeyeon would be around until something took her away. But it was strange, that when Tiffany saw the box lying on the ground she had felt moved. The pink box placed so innocently at the foot of the door to their apartment had led to her feeling a rush of yearning for Taeyeon.
It was romantic and cheesy Taeyeon at work, Tiffany knew, as she picked up the box and saw the words on the box.
My brightest light Fany :)
That was all it took for Tiffany to break down in tears in front of their apartment. She didn’t know how long she cried, merely squatting there and hugging the box without a notion of time. Her eyes felt sore, her legs were numbed and she was tired. But she sobbed without control, or without a need for control, she couldn’t tell which. Things were in disarray, that’s all she could tell, and she wasn’t ready for it.
“Fany?”
Tiffany heard the door click opened and it was Taeyeon’s voice. So clear and familiar.
“Fany! What’s wrong?”
That clear voice was tainted with worry, and Tiffany knew, even though her face was buried in her arms and eyes blinded by the tears, that Taeyeon’s eyebrows were knitted, eyes full of concern and she would definitely be biting her lips. Next Taeyeon would squat down with her and pull her into a hug.
“Fany Fany, don’t cry…”
Tiffany felt the guilt hit her full blast this time. Maybe because things with Jessica were crossing the physical and getting more and more into the emotional elements. Maybe because she knew that her love for Taeyeon was no longer as pure as before. Or maybe it was simply because she now loved Jessica as well.
She cried into Taeyeon’s embrace and felt like hitting herself. Taeyeon’s warmth was too comforting and familiar, and suddenly she couldn’t fathom why she had dislike the familiarity and stability. It was confusing and everything was turning topsy-turvy.
“Let’s go in okay? Come on Fany, I promise everything will be alright.”
Tiffany nodded, it wasn’t going to be alright, but she couldn’t tell Taeyeon that.
***
Everything was fucked up. Every single fucking thing.
Tiffany watched how Taeyeon hid the worry in her eyes as she put on the most comforting smile, because that was what Tiffany needed. That was fucked up.
How much Taeyeon loved her, it overwhelmed her.
It wasn’t something new, Tiffany knew of the extent of Taeyeon’s love all along but it didn’t matter because love wasn’t supposed to be balanced, it was normal that way.
But Jessica had entered the equation.
Tiffany watched as Taeyeon made some hot drink for her, it was like a child trying to take care of her sick mother. Things were horribly screwed up. Taeyeon was the one in need of the care and concern, Tiffany knew but couldn’t possibly explain that to Taeyeon.
As her nose started to clear after that ridiculous bout of weeping, Tiffany realized that a delicious smell was in the air. It was the smell of homemade food, and it dawned on her that Taeyeon had been cooking.
Tiffany wanted to choke herself.
“What happened?” Taeyeon sat down with her, passing her that cup of warm drink.
“Nothing,” Tiffany replied immediately, there was no other option for her.
Taeyeon’s concern was clear, she could guess that something was wrong yet she simply smiled, choosing to trust in Tiffany’s words even though it was such an obvious lie. That felt like a stab to her chest, that trust was too painful for her to bear.
Tiffany had never felt so much guilt to a person before, she didn’t expect herself to feel that much guilt. It had been smooth sailing, the initial lies the secret meetings and no there wasn’t much, if any, guilt.
“I’m sorry,” Tiffany blurted out.
“Why? I’m sure you didn’t burn any part of the kitchen this time, I checked,” Taeyeon raised her eyebrows, her lips curled up playfully.
“I don’t know.”
“Stressed up?”
“Yes.”
Taeyeon reached over and tenderly caressed her cheek. Taeyeon’s touch was always tender, and the way she leaned in and let their forehead touch, the chaste kiss that felt so loving. It was all Taeyeon’s way of giving Tiffany warmth and her way of keeping her place in Tiffany’s heart.
“I love you, Fany. Don’t worry too much okay?”
“I love you too Taetae,” Tiffany choked out the words, her emotions were swirling too much that she felt dizzy.
It wasn’t a lie, the love was still there. Just that other things had tainted it.
“I’m starting on a new script,” Tiffany began hesitantly, even she couldn’t tell if it was an attempt to cover up or was it just a normal conversation.
“So it’s because of that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ignorance is bliss,” Taeyeon winked and laughed, running a hand through Tiffany’s hair.
As Taeyeon walked off to finish up the dinner preparation, Tiffany couldn’t help but feel her heartache. It was so apt, what Taeyeon said. It was so apt that it hurt.
Tiffany’s legs took her over to where Taeyeon was, and she watched as Taeyeon busied herself in the kitchen. It was a familiar sight, but really hard to stomach at the moment.
“I’m such a horrible person, Taetae,” Tiffany went up to Taeyeon and hugged her by the neck, breathing into her hair, “I’m so horrible.”
“Oh?” Taeyeon chuckled, the light hearted tone was piercing to Tiffany, “I know that, Fany. Knew it long long long ago.”
And it was the hidden meaning behind that which almost had Tiffany burst into tears again. Taeyeon knew the state Tiffany was in and yet chose trust and love above everything else.
It was too much to handle.
That night, Tiffany stared at her phone when Taeyeon was in the showers. She contemplated texting Jessica but she had no idea what to say. What would she say? End things with Jessica? It wasn’t possible.
Things are so screwed up. I’m so screwed up. There’s a monster in me Soonkyu. A greedy and insatiable monster.
Tiffany got a reply from Sunny uncharacteristically quickly.
It’s okay Miyoungie, things will be alright somehow. I love you, come to me when you are too trapped by everything.
Sunny was like Taeyeon, albeit in another form and Tiffany cried softly again.
***
Nothing changed, be it with Jessica or Taeyeon. She was still cheating on Taeyeon with Jessica, but at the same time still very much in love with Taeyeon. It was complex and after the crying saga with Taeyeon, her emotions had hit another level of complexity.
Jessica knew Taeyeon was back, Tiffany couldn’t pinpoint what was it that led her to that conclusion but it showed. Jessica wasn’t texting her as often, and was being absurdly understanding. Sometimes Tiffany would feel unworthy of Jessica, she was shortchanging her and simultaneously betraying Taeyeon.
She was a lousy girlfriend.
“Would you be able to live with me?”
Jessica looked up from the novel, Tiffany had managed to squeeze time out and they were chilling at Jessica’s apartment as usual. Their safe haven.
“Huh?”
“Like to be really together and live as if we're, I don’t know, married? Or like you and Taeyeon, for a lack of better description.”
Tiffany was stunned. She didn’t like the way Taeyeon came up again, and it sounded like a comparison this time. Maybe Jessica wasn’t that understanding and maybe this place wasn’t such a safe haven.
“Can we not go there?”
“No, Tiff. It isn’t about Taeyeon, it’s about you and me. Can we live as an us?”
“I think we're kind of-”
“If you're going to say that’s how we're like you should just shut up.”
“What the hell Jessi?”
“Shut up.”
Tiffany didn’t know if she could to be honest, it was as though Jessica was forcing her to choose. She knew that there wasn’t going to be a result to this connection between them, but she wanted to have it, to stay in it.
“Would you be confortable dating a cheater?” It was another shot out of the blue and Tiffany felt her blood boil.
“What?! What the fuck are you insinuating now Jessica Jung?”
“I’m not, I’m just asking,” Jessica was staring calmly at Tiffany, then she scoffed softly, “Sincerely, if you can’t tell.”
That sarcastic tone and scoff didn’t go down well with Tiffany and before she knew, she raised her volume to a shout. Suddenly, they were just yelling at each other, the serenity before entirely forgotten.
“I can’t then! All I hear is you accusing me and trying to ruin everything we have. What is your fucking problem?”
“You're too bloody sensitive Tiffany. And what the fuck do we have anyway?! We have nothing!”
Jessica yelled back and only silence followed, as they glared at each other, neither side willing to relent. The fight was real and emotions were raw. No one wanted it, but it was bound to happen. She was ill prepared for a burst up with Jessica, she thought the first confrontation would happen with Taeyeon.
“Love,” Tiffany croaked out, eyes teary, “I think we have love don’t we?”
“An immoral one at best.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Tiffany retorted instantly, “Jessi, it doesn’t matter. That’s everything to me.”
“I was being sincere just now,” Jessica’s eyes fell as though it hurt to look at Tiffany, and Tiffany couldn’t understand why, “the questions. They weren’t an attack on you.”
They fell back into silence, the cracks are surfacing, and Tiffany feared it. They were locked in their own world trying their hardest to keep people out, but suddenly things were breaking down from within.
“I value my private space. That's why I asked you, I guess,” Jessica’s voice cut into the silence between them, there was something in that tone, something that Tiffany just couldn’t define, “Even if we were to be so stable that we could live together I still don't like the idea. I'd feel invaded. Weird huh?”
Jessica didn’t sound like she was joking, nor just trying to cover up her sharp words previously. She sounded so serious that Tiffany felt her next sentence might just be “I think that’s it for us”.
“I don't like my relationship to be known to the whole world. If I have to choose, I’d rather keep it silent,” Jessica smiled, bitterly, “Maybe that’s how we managed to sustain this… Love?”
Tiffany shut her eyes, she couldn’t bring herself close to Jessica without either of their hearts breaking. She couldn’t look straight into Jessica’s eyes without the threat of tears.
“I wished we had met earlier. Five, no, seven years earlier. We wouldn’t be stuck in this if it were so…” Tiffany muttered, tired of everything but not able to let go of anything.
“Maybe,” Tiffany was staring at the blackness behind her closed eyes, and only the wistful tone of Jessica’s floated into her ears, “ or maybe you wouldn’t have stuck with me if that was the case. Or maybe I wouldn’t, who knows?”
Tiffany couldn’t answer, lost for words and trapped in this downwards spiral.
All of a sudden, Tiffany felt soft hands on her cheeks and when she opened her eyes, Jessica was staring at her, a piercing gaze accompanied by a solemn expression. Melancholy ghosted over Jessica’s face briefly when she finally spoke.
“Don’t ever try breaking up for me, Tiff. All we have is now.”
***
Tiffany was having lunch alone when an unexpected number showed up on her phone. The name Soonkyu was flashing and Sunny’s bright smile was coaxing her to pick up the call.
“I bump into Tae.”
“What the fuck?”
Sunny didn’t even said hello, she sounded rushed and went straight to the point.
“Yep, after all those months I didn’t see her, it just had to be after you told me you were cheating.”
“You didn’t tell right?”
“10 points to Gryffindor! Wonderful answer Hermione!”
Tiffany heaved a sigh of relief, not because she didn’t trust Sunny. But for certain things, hearing it first hand was always more comforting.
“Thanks, 10 points to Ravenclaw!”
“God, trust you to continue that. Your Taeyeon looked happy, in love and basically nothing. No difference. Zilch. You pull off this cheating shit quite well.”
“10 points to Gryffindor again?”
“Overkill Miyoung. Taeyeon talked to me about her new project, she’s trying to be a musical actress.” Sunny’s tone made it sound more like a question than a statement and Tiffany knew what Sunny was getting at.
“Confession, I didn’t know that… Maybe it’s a surprise?”
“Great way to cover your ass.”
“Fine, I think she mentioned it, but it slipped my mind.” Tiffany conceded, Sunny was one person she couldn’t lie to, “I’m too busy with this new script, Jessica inspires the most wonderful things in me.”
There was a pause, almost like Sunny got cut off as Tiffany heard a void.
“Hello? Soonkyu?”
“Was in the lift. Did I hear a Jessica?”
“Yes, slip of tongue.”
“So you're cheating on Taeyeon with this… Jessica?”
“You make her sound like some item, Soonkyu.”
Tiffany heard that overprotective tone she used, and a sigh sounded out at Sunny’s end. Sunny had caught on, things weren’t that simple.
“So, Jessica is her name?”
“Obviously.”
“Okay, I won’t ask for more description. I have a feeling you won’t say and I won’t want to know.”
“Yeah, access denied. Jessica and I, we live in an empty world, it’s only two of us.”
“And let’s pray that no one barges in.”
“You're being weirdly pessimistic.”
“Well Miyoung, this love of yours isn’t exactly positive, and I’ve got to go, tons of stuff to do and a bitch to meet,” it was said with a hurried tone but there this cheerfulness that Tiffany couldn’t miss.
“That’s some suspicious bitch there, you sounded too happy. “
“A smoking hot bitch,” Sunny laughed, “She’s actually-“
She was interrupted by some shouts in the background, Tiffany heard Sunny yell something muffled back at those voices, before her voice came back on. This time it sounded hurried and annoyed.
“Dammit, really gotta go now, emergency meeting! Shit, the bitch won’t be happy about this. Urg. See ya okay?”
After Sunny hung up, Tiffany could no longer continue her lunch, with the endless uneasiness that seeped into her. Fate was a funny thing, and although she often laughed at those overly cliché plots filled with the typical fateful meetings, she couldn’t help but think there were some truth to those.
It would explain how Sunny randomly encountered Taeyeon and how Tiffany met Jessica.
Tiffany furrowed her brows, a headache was on the brink of exploding. She tapped on her phone, editing the message a few times before finally sending it.
Let’s go on a date tonight!
***
It was a double life. There was a fear of getting caught in the act of cheating and there was this unstoppable desire that surged within her. It kept leading her to Jessica and Tiffany was helpless against it.
As she stood near the washroom area waiting for Taeyeon, her thoughts travelled to Jessica. What Jessica was doing and how was her day, all of that. She didn’t consider the consequences of her actions, and simply called Jessica. The desire to hear Jessica’s voice, had overpowered logical thoughts temporarily.
“Tiff?”
“Hey.”
“Strange time for you to call…”
“I missed you.”
“Check your surroundings,” Tiffany heard a mixture of amusement and worry in Jessica’s tone.
“I’m serious.”
“Did something happen?”
Tiffany contemplated, was Sunny bumping into Taeyeon worth mentioning?
“Nope,” Tiffany decided against it, she didn’t have the luxury of time, “are you home?”
“Driving, on my way to meet my banker.”
“Huh? But it’s past 8pm!”
“Said banker will be my column subject and I have to wheedle her into participation.”
“Oh, that column was for real?”
“Yes, and this idiot banker of mine is too busy to even eat at a proper time. Now I’m stuck with such a screwed up time for dinner.”
Tiffany noted that Jessica didn’t sound as irritated as she would have imagined her to be; conversely, her tone was light and carefree. It was a weird. The Jessica that Tiffany knew wasn’t such a patient or easygoing person; that column must be important.
“I’m almost there, talk to you later maybe?”
“Yeah,” Tiffany knew that later probably meant a time when she wasn’t with Taeyeon, “ I love you, bye.”
“Love you too, Tiff.”
The timing Tiffany hung up was impeccable; Taeyeon stepped out of the toilet soon after, complaining about the long queue and two faulty cubicles. But Tiffany couldn’t process Taeyeon’s words entirely as she double-checked in her head that she had erased all traces of contact with Jessica from her phone. It was tiring, but Jessica was worth the effort and paranoia.
Warped, but whatever.
“Hyo said you’ve got a friend Jessica,” Taeyeon began innocently, critically examining a display of plastic toys, “she’s going to feature Hyo in a magazine?”
“Oh, yeah I think so, she’s thinking of featuring us as well.”
There were so many ways Tiffany could have phrased the sentence but she chose to use the word us, it was a subconscious effort to make things intimate.
“Nah,” Taeyeon made a face and stuck out her tongue, “I’m too good to be featured along with you.”
Tiffany stared at Taeyeon with mocked hurt, before she laughed and lightly punched her. Taeyeon’s eyes were sparkly, flashing Tiffany that kiddy smile before she slipped her hand into Tiffany’s. The smile that captivated her back when they just begun, and Tiffany felt her heart throbbed.
“Hyo said she was really pretty, almost like a doll. How you got to know her?”
“Hmm?” Tiffany tried to think of something rapidly, a pause would be too suspicious, “She’s Sunny’s friend.”
She gave the first excuse she could think of, and mentally reminded herself to tell Sunny to match her story if Taeyeon asked. More and more people were getting involved in this and a sense of dread overcame her. There was an urgent need to divert Taeyeon’s attention. She was about to talk about Sunny’s suggestion of a game room when a pair heels and familiar legs caught her eye; It was that pair of glittery silver heels, and those legs that tangled with hers in bed.
It was Jessica.
Jessica was walking towards her. The panic button smashed and alarms sounded in her head as she tried her best to keep herself from falling into obvious hysteria.
She was holding hands with Taeyeon and Jessica was approaching. Disaster.
“I’d love to meet this Jessica,” Tiffany heard Taeyeon’s voice and her words sounded like a buzz, “I guess I would? If she features me.”
“Yeah…” Jessica was walking closer, in fact they were walking towards each other, “If she decides to, you would.”
The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on Tiffany. It was so bad that Tiffany felt something sour threatening to escape from her throat.
When they were merely a few steps apart, Tiffany noticed that Jessica had her face like a porcelain doll, showing no emotions or recognition. She heard Taeyeon continued on about joining Hyoyeon’s dance school as a vocal instructor but could only nod and mumble vague responses.
Jessica brushed passed her without faltering. They were strangers out in the real world, no one must know. Everything was surreal.
But for a split second she felt familiar fingers thread into her free hand, and she knew that she had held hands with Jessica momentarily.
Tiffany felt sick.
Taeyeon on one side and Jessica on the other.
The situation was so absurd but so true.
“Tae.”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
Taeyeon looked surprised at the sudden confession, but her face lit up and she gave Tiffany’s hand a light squeeze.
“Fany, you’re so silly,” Taeyeon’s eyes gleamed, “but that’s why I love you.”
Tiffany felt a bit of that sickening feeling go away and she smiled, a genuine smile because she really loved Taeyeon.
She heard Jessica’s heels click like the first time they met, but they were going further away, in the other direction and staway from her.
Their happiness and love didn’t belong here. Tiffany was strangely clear-headed despite what transpired. Jessica probably knew all along, she had been the more levelheaded person in this whole affair. Her thoughts drifted to what Jessica said, it was still fresh in her mind, almost ingrained.
“Don’t ever try breaking up for me, Tiff. All we have is now.”
It was painful, she no longer knew what was now. Because somehow the worlds had collided. Taeyeon was with her, yet her mind was on Jessica.
“I’m a really bad woman.”
She never managed to grasp the actual meaning of that sentence; there was always this feeling of something more to Jessica. But it no longer mattered as well.
I’m a really bad woman too, Tiffany silently muttered.
Nothing would come out of the entanglement. She knew, but she wanted to stay in that web of immorality and betrayal. She was already caught and she would stay until the walls crumbled down and buried her.
They had everything and nothing. From the start till the end of it, everything and nothing at all.
end
Rating: R
Pairing: Jeti/ Taeny
Summary: Caught in the web of betrayal, what's happening to us?
A/N: Awkward topic to post? What's done is done. and this second half is pretty long.
[Don’t ever try breaking up for me, Tiff. All we have is now.]
Jessica was so different from Taeyeon.
Tiffany compared them subconsciously even though she wouldn’t admit it. Not that Taeyeon wasn’t great for her, no, Taeyeon was wonderful. Taeyeon was sweet, sentimental and stable. The beginnings of their relationship and even years down the road she found that she enjoyed that side about Taeyeon. Perhaps it was really the lethargy from a chaotic lifestyle, or maybe it was the correct time to settle, either way, Taeyeon had fit into her life.
But she didn’t realize that Taeyeon was a piece of missing puzzle that wasn’t a perfect fit. Maybe it was a dent or a slight crack, but she didn’t fit as seamlessly as Tiffany thought she did. When Jessica came into the picture, she probably accentuated what was missing.
In fact, it was almost like Jessica was missing, just because Tiffany felt so right with her. Even though everything was, on paper, so bloody wrong, Tiffany couldn’t push away how she felt. She gave up on explanations and relied on the natural responses her body and heart had to Jessica.
Jessica was so different from Taeyeon, in a pretty twisted way.
A month went by since Jessica went up to Tiffany in the café before Tiffany finally spilled the beans. Tiffany didn't know why she took so long. It should be something easy and if Jessica decided to flip out on her she would just leave. That had been the way for her previously, she wasn’t scared of losing anything then. Tiffany wasn't sure whether Taeyeon or Jessica was the one who caused the change in her. Tiffany didn't want to examine the reason behind her reluctance to tell Jessica the truth as well, she was afraid that the answer would be that four letter word.
Love.
Love would make the whole equation messed up.
However, Jessica didn't even look perturbed when Tiffany broke the news about the existence of a certain Taeyeon. She simply nodded without much thought, her focus didn’t shift from the novel in her hand, and the only sound was the television that was showing some classic movie. It’s strange for Jessica to have a TV in her room, Tiffany had this fleeting thought, she didn’t seem like a TV addict at all. Just lazy, that was the conclusion Tiffany arrived at as she poked Jessica in the ribs, hoping to incite some response. Jessica’s hand naturally moved to stop Tiffany’s offending finger and held on to it tightly, seemingly more so than usual.
"I don't really care you know? I didn't approach you, okay, technically I did. But you stalked me first," Jessica shrugged, nonchalance evident, "and that would make you the perpetrator. So whatever."
Tiffany was a bit too accurate with her perception of Jessica, she was almost hurt by the way Jessica brushed off everything. She never imagined that there would be this day that she actually wanted to question someone about their feelings. Was it just sex? Weren’t there actual feelings involved?
Tiffany grabbed the TV remote, switched off the television and plucked the book from Jessica’s hand; the hotheaded side had gotten the better of her. The secret dwelled deep within, but Tiffany just had to fish it out.
“Do you love me?”
Tiffany saw the way Jessica’s eyes flickered slightly, changing from irritation to a flash of confusion before she laughed. A floaty laugh, as though Jessica was mocking her, and she didn’t like it.
“Surprise surprise, you're the last one I'd expect to say such things,” a hand landed on Tiffany’s lap, “Tiff, are we in high school?”
“No,” Tiffany scowled, “but I hope I won’t be hearing shit like I’m a good fuck.”
“But you are.”
Jessica sounded so serious that Tiffany couldn’t think of a good rebuttal instantly. Everything was strange, how she acted, the question she asked and how far Taeyeon was away from her mind. Her sole focus was Jessica and that was probably a sin.
“And you're a lot of other things as well,” Jessica added on suddenly, voice quiet and a small smile on that exquisite face.
That was good enough for Tiffany, and she realized then that she had felt insecure. A ridiculous and foreign feeling that Jessica stirred up. Tiffany had never felt insecure in her whole life; she was too casual or too confident for such a feeling to creep up on her. Jessica had rocked the scale Tiffany set herself on, the balance was gone.
It was strangely exciting.
“Tiff,” Jessica called out seductively, “I guess it means we have to be sneaky and quiet now?”
“Not for sex though.”
Tiffany smirked and pounced on Jessica without a second thought. Jessica’s laugh rang out, pleased with the reply and soon the room was filled with loud pants and moans.
“I’m a really bad woman,” Jessica breathed into Tiffany’s ear as she was consumed by the waves of pleasure.
***
Taeyeon couldn't accept Tiffany being involved with other people. Those one-night stands and all the flirting, which symbolized the unrestricted side of Tiffany. Taeyeon had made it clear that she didn't like it, and expressed explicitly that monogamy was the basis of relationships. It was surprising, even to herself, but Tiffany decided that she should at least try to adjust to that. After all, they were officially in a relationship.
Monogamy. It was such a foreign term to Tiffany.
She tried to reject people and steered away from overly enticing situations. It wasn’t easy, Tiffany spent about a year getting used to a normal lifestyle. Taeyeon tolerated all her near mistakes and those uncontrollable times whereby someone too cute just had to appear and she couldn’t help but touch or make out slightly with them. Tiffany was changing and Taeyeon waited for her. That got to Tiffany, there were so many instances where Taeyeon seemed so dumb to her.
“Try harder for me please?” Taeyeon had said with this determined but melancholic tone after Tiffany confessed she nearly screwed someone in a semi drunk state, “Come home to me, Fany. You know I’m always there for you, not those other people.”
She was so dumb but so strong and steadfast in her love that Tiffany didn’t have the heart to disappoint her anymore. She couldn’t stray, when Taeyeon looked at her with the gaze that spoke of love and after she was used to that child-like touch to Taeyeon’s smile.
And so, Tiffany started rejecting all the party invitations and crazy sleepovers. She steered clear of those particularly cute girls who would tempt her resolve, and when she felt she might stray, she pictured Taeyeon’s face in her mind. It was hard, but things got better and Taeyeon’s image became more vivid.
She replaced her nights with Taeyeon; studying with Taeyeon, dinner dates with Taeyeon, walks with Taeyeon and sex with Taeyeon. It was all Taeyeon at one point in time and suddenly her life was normal. Her grades went up and her head no longer hurt from hangovers.
Tiffany felt that she loved Taeyeon.
Sunny, her best friend since she was eight, commented on how it was as though she had came out of the rehabilitation center named Kim Taeyeon. Her tone was slightly sarcastic and she didn’t look entirely convinced that Tiffany had cleaned up her act, although the years down the road proved her wrong.
That was before Jessica happened of course.
***
Jessica was asleep when Tiffany sneaked out of the room and to the balcony. She tried to take her mind off things as she stared at the random strangers on the sidewalk. But it didn’t work a single bit. Jessica admitting that she was a bad woman had unsettled her and now she couldn’t sleep. She wasn’t exactly sure if it was just her imagination, but Jessica’s voice sounded so raw and brittle. And Tiffany had an inkling that wasn’t because of sex; it was because of emotions and Tiffany felt horrible.
She thought of Taeyeon who was somewhere touring as backup vocals to some girl group. The tour happened so conveniently and Tiffany didn’t even have to come up with excuses to be with Jessica anymore. Taeyeon wasn’t home most of the time and it made everything easier, but still the thoughts plagued her.
She looked at her phone, feeling unsure. It was late, almost one-thirty in the dead of the night, an inappropriate time to call anyone but she felt too lost.
“Helpline for the insatiable bitch named Hwang Miyoung, Sunny speaking. How may I help?”
A chirpy voice sounded through the phone and Tiffany felt this familiar warmth rushing through her. Trust Sunny to be so bright even at such a weird hour.
“Now you are condemning me as well?”
“Of course not, but sometimes I feel like I’m a helpline. You only call when you need help. I don’t even want to mention how you're calling at 1am.”
Tiffany heard Sunny clicked her tongue disapprovingly, and that tiny act lightened her heart considerably.
“That’s because you're so busy investment banker Lee Soonkyu. Count the number of times you rejected or missed my calls.”
“Holy unicorn! Guess you're right.”
“And you rather go for all those shitty performances than to meet me. ”
“It’s called arts appreciation, I invited you but you dismissed me. Now get to the point, woman.”
She could tell that Sunny was getting impatient, and she chewed on the insides of her mouth as she spoke, “I cheated on Taeyeon.”
“…Oh, wow.” Sunny’s tone was unimpressed, as though nothing Tiffany did faze her anymore.
“I am cheating on Taeyeon. Ongoing.”
“Uh huh, but wrong helpline, I only deal with sex.”
Tiffany rolled her eyes, Sunny wanted to annoy her, perhaps this cheating thing didn’t sit that well with her after all.
“Cheating includes sex and I just had sex with her,” Her tone came out harder than she wanted it to, but whatever, it was Sunny.
“Someone’s short fused today. To be honest I saw it coming, Miyoung, so I’m more surprised that it only happened now.”
Tiffany paused, the silence between them was thick and she didn’t know how to reply Sunny when her words were so accurate. So she chose to divert the attention away instead.
“Taeyeon kept going on about how much she misses you by the way”
“Tell her Super Sunny is earning money to furbish one of the rooms into a gaming hub.”
“It’s funny. How close you're to Taeyeon, when you don’t even think she’s right for me.”
“Nu-uh. I’ve never explicitly said that. Besides, she’s a great friend, I need a gamer friend in my life, variety you know. Bankers are so boring,“ and Tiffany heard a scoff on Sunny’s end, “Anyway, you’re telling me about this mess because you’ve arrived at a decision and want me to approve of it, or you’re unsure of what to do and need my input?”
“Neither, I just need someone to rant to. I’m bursting because I’m keeping it to myself.”
“And it’s the first time you aren’t announcing it, applause for you. To educate you, affairs are that way, you aren’t supposed to go around announcing it and throwing confetti.”
Tiffany wanted to hit her, she wished there was a way to physically reach Sunny through the phone, because she wasn’t being the comforting Sunny she needed right now.
“I hate your sarcasm sometimes. And she knows, the girl I’m cheating with knows about Taeyeon’s existence.”
“And she’s totally cool with it right?”
“How’d you know?!”
“Because I’m omnipresent,” Tiffany could almost imagine the Sunny rolling her eyes with the amount of sarcasm in her tone, “Or maybe I’m just good at inferring. Miyoungie, I know I’m a bad friend but I’m going to say that I don’t think cheating is right but you cheating on Taeyeon seemed kinda inevitable.”
“Thanks, Soonkyu.”
“But I’m not saying it’s right, okay? It’s wrong, you're an adult and in a stable relationship. I’d love to be on your side, but I’m neutral this time.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry.”
“Save that for Taeyeon.”
“She heard it countless times, I could spare you one.”
“Why thank you, I guess I should just accept it then,” she heard Sunny chuckle, as if she was hinting that the apology would come in handy somehow.
Sunny was the one Tiffany could depend on, one loyal friend that stood by her since she was young. Sunny saw the whole process, discovering her sexuality and the confusion, all the way to her high school fiasco and college atrocities. Tiffany was Miyoung to Sunny, and that gave her some comfort. Whatever shit she did, Sunny would always remain as Miyoung’s friend.
“You're not a horrible person Miyoungie, you're a wonderful person, just bad with this relationship thing.”
With the way Sunny stood by her, she couldn’t decide who was more screwed up- her or Sunny.
After her little call to Sunny, Tiffany didn’t move from her spot on the balcony, preferring to let her thoughts settle. Unintentionally, her eyes fell on the pots of cactus on the ledge; they were growing so silently, like they were undisturbed and unnoticed by the world. Tiffany couldn’t recall Jessica watering them, in fact she didn’t even realize they exist.
“How apt,” Tiffany thought out loud.
“What’s apt?”
Jessica’s voice floated over, slightly husky from her sleep, and a warm body pressed against Tiffany’s back. She felt her heartbeat quickened when Jessica’s face buried into her neck, and she smelled that scent again.
“The cactus,” Tiffany replied without hesitating, lost in Jessica’s scent and warmth.
“Oh, the cactus…” Jessica’s tone was strange, as if she choked and for a second, Tiffany thought Jessica actually figured out her thoughts, “whatever floats your boat, but I’m feeling slightly hungry.”
She could hear the pout in Jessica’ voice, it was adorable and Tiffany forgot about what was bothering her. Be it Taeyeon, or the cactus.
***
Tiffany came home to a postcard from Taeyeon, it showed a strange statue that was a combination of a lion head and fish body spouting water against a backdrop of brightly lit buildings. Tiffany chuckled softly, Taeyeon had drawn pink hearts all over the postcard. She flipped it over and read the shorts snippets of her tour ending off with an “I’m missing you so much it’s more incredible than the water spouting lion-fish.”
Taeyeon was a romantic, really cheesy at times and often coughing up cringe worthy lines. But the habit of sending Tiffany a postcard whenever she flew with some big shot singer always gave her a tingling feeling in the heart. There were even a number of times that had her bursting into jovial songs as she twirled around the house from the blissful sensations.
Received your postcard with the water-spouting thing. I love you taetae.
The message was sent to Taeyeon, and Tiffany knew she wouldn’t be receiving a reply anytime soon. She was probably doing rehearsals or something somewhere. Tiffany wondered how she could possibly predict things about Taeyeon so well, was it because of the stability and extensive knowledge of each other? Or was it just her pretending to know it so well?
Maybe Taeyeon was fucking one of the hot girls in the group at the moment, who knows? Tiffany laughed and her voice echoed slightly in their apartment.
Such a typical cheater mindset, Tiffany thought scornfully.
Her own actions had made her overly suspicious. It was ridiculous, and she felt something stirred in her.
Something that resembled guilt had made its way into Tiffany.
***
Is it possible to actually love two people at one time?
Tiffany asked herself this for the umpteenth time. She was at Jessica’s apartment as usual and listening to the sound of Jessica typing. She had some last minute things to edit, and Tiffany was left without a lover and bored out of her mind as random questions kept running through her head.
The whole apartment was basking in the glow of the sun. A sunny day, and it was rare that Tiffany got to see natural light when she was with Jessica. Somehow it was always at night that they got together, and those nights were mostly moody. Even the moon refused to shine on them.
As Tiffany scrutinized the apartment out of boredom, she noticed an obscure corner on the shelf, a small corner mostly filled with thick and academic looking books. Tiffany never bothered to look at the shelf properly, she knew it was there, spanning the whole length of the wall. She could make out the magazines, fashion and make-up books, novels that covered various genres and a few rows of CDs. Then there was that obscure corner, right at the bottom corner, semi-hidden by the lamp.
Tiffany went up to it and sat down, looking at it curiously. The books in that particular corner felt out of place, it seemed like another world altogether; Books that appeared too nerdy for Jessica- Business Law, Investment Management, Finance, Market strategies, Economics journals and all the likes. Tiffany felt her brain blew up just by reading the titles. She never developed a liking for such subjects since young and her ties with numbers was practically non-existent. In fact, she only passed her compulsory mathematical module in college because Sunny taught her, travelling all the way to her college everyday for two weeks until she felt confident enough to scrap a pass.
“Jessi!”
“Yeah?”
“Why do you have books that are meant for the furnace?”
“Huh?” The typing sounds ceased, Jessica was truly confused.
“Economics Journals? Seriously?!”
“Tried to put on an intelligent facade,” came the reply, and the typing resumed, “besides, they're the best companion for sleepless nights. A paragraph of it and I sleep like a log.”
Tiffany laughed, suddenly feeling that there was so much more to Jessica for her learn. It was like a brand new exploration and adventure, Jessica had so many sides to her that it amazed Tiffany. As she looked passed the books, the CDs caught her attention. They were separated from the other CDs, and somehow Tiffany could see why Jessica did that. The CDs here were would experience a culture clash with those on the main rack.
“Jazz?” Tiffany looked to Jessica, holding up a box set sounding particularly amused, “Wow and classical music? I thought you were a pop and dance junkie? What’s this, uh… Anni de something?”
“Années de pèlerinage, by Liszt. Classical music’s good for relaxation, calms the mind I think.”
“Oh my god, you sound possessed. I’ve got friends that say the exact same shit.”
“Taeyeon?”
Tiffany didn’t expect Taeyeon to come up, and it stung. The way Jessica said it, so off-handedly, as if Taeyeon was any other name she could just throw around. She couldn’t tell if it was the way it was said or just the name itself that got on her nerves. Too many lines had been blurred.
“No,” Tiffany felt a flash of anger, “I’ve got other people around me besides her you know.”
“She’s the only one I know. It was a passing comment, chill Tiff.”
Tiffany didn’t reply but simply diverted her attention back to the CDs in that obscure corner of Jessica’s wall of shelves. Some titles seemed familiar to Tiffany, which had her wondering if it was déjà vu; she wasn’t one to listen to all these music and if it felt familiar it must be some sort of destiny.
Or maybe Taeyeon mentioned them before, this thought slipped into her mind before she could stop herself. It was unsettling, the way Taeyeon wormed her way more and more often into her mind. Tiffany was sure it was a sign, just that she had no idea what it meant exactly.
Then Jessica shouted something over.
“I’m sorry about mentioning her.”
She sounded genuinely apologetic, and that just made Tiffany feel worse.
***
“Have you heard the latest?”
“What?”
“The affair of course, I heard they met at some bar.”
“Wasn’t it a café?”
“The Starbucks a few streets down?”
“Yesss! Didn’t you know, they-”
Tiffany froze in the toilet cubicle, she recognized the voices outside. They were two of the biggest gossipmongers around and the story they were chattering excitedly about sounded uncomfortably familiar. Too much like how she met Jessica, and Tiffany felt the anxiety washed over her.
They couldn’t know, could they?
“I heard it was pretty fast and furious.”
“Oooh, they fucked?”
“Of course! That girl was sooooo horny-“
Tiffany slammed the cubicle door open and saw the two gossipmongers jumped back in surprise. She had to shut these two up, but as she glared at them she wondered how did the news leak and spread. Did that mean that she had to face Taeyeon with the truth soon? But it was her workplace, that didn’t overlap with Taeyeon’s. Maybe it could be kept under wraps…
“Oh Tiffany, it’s you! You scared me, I thought it was Jihyo.”
“Huh? Jihyo?”
Kang Jihyo the director? Now that didn’t make sense.
“Of course! Haven’t you heard about the affair? It’s hot news!”
As the women blabbered on about the latest news, which was mostly made up in her opinion, Tiffany realized how uptight she was. There were those few words that could make her all sensitive and paranoid.
Maybe she was only good at the brazen flirting and intimacy. This stealthily cheating thing was not her forte.
***
Taeyeon was set to return soon and in a rash moment, Tiffany decided that it was the right time to drag Jessica out of the apartment. Jessica protested furiously, insisting that she preferred the comforts of her house and the AC. Only after much persuading and cajoling plus promises of a cool place with fantastic dessert did Jessica finally relent.
They walked, shopped, and filled the day with precious memories. Jessica looked slightly bemused with Tiffany’s utter adoration for anything pink, especially when Tiffany picked out a pink headphone that dazzled with the sheer number of crystals on it. Too flashy, Jessica frowned and got a pout from Tiffany.
When Jessica finally lamented that she was too tired to continue, Tiffany led her to a quaint little shop that had wonderful dessert. They were carrying shopping bags and sharing a rare normal moment with Tiffany’s hand pressed against the small of Jessica’s back. Everything was so out in the open and on that day, it felt like they were just a couple, pure and simple. It was a date that didn’t feel like they were trying to hide from the world.
“Fany!”
Tiffany recoiled, shock taking over when she heard that familiar name that Taeyeon called her by. For that split second, she thought it was Taeyeon, that she was caught even though she wasn’t really doing anything suspicious. It was terribly disconcerting.
But she knew Taeyeon’s voice by heart and that wasn’t her.
“Hey Hyo,” Tiffany smiled, having cleared her head and calmed her nerves.
“Haven’t seen you in aaages,”Hyoyeon had a wide smile on, “Come on, let’s catch up! Are you Fany’s friend? I’m Hyoyeon, but just call me Hyo. ”
“Hi, I’m Jessica,” Tiffany was amazed at how calm Jessica was, looking like nothing was amiss, as she flashed that polite smile of hers.
As they walked over to Hyoyeon’s table, Tiffany absent-mindedly moved some stray hair out of Jessica’s face, a gesture not noticed by Hyoyeon who was walking ahead. Tiffany, though, was startled by her own action. It was too natural, too close to a habitual gesture.
Jessica didn’t react on the surface, but as she followed behind Hyoyeon, Tiffany felt a finger trailed down from her forearm to the back of her palm. It was so subtle that it sent shivers tingling down.
“Why aren’t you on tour with Tae though?” Tiffany asked after they sat down, curious about Hyoyeon’s presence, “I thought you were in the concert.”
“I’m planning to start up my own dance school so I kinda took off from the concert dancing thing.”
“Oh? Your friend’s a dancer?” Jessica sounded interested as she cut in, “I’m thinking of this special column about different occupations for the magazine I work for. Dancers is one of those I’m thinking about.”
“Wow! You wanna feature me?” Hyoyeon’s eyes lit up when Jessica nodded thoughtfully.
“Female dancers are cool.”
“Awesome!” Hyoyeon leaned forward with excitement, “How about vocal instructors? I’ve got a friend, she does backing vocals as well and she’s pretty big in… hold on, I guess you’d know her since you're Fany’s friend?”
“Taeyeon?” Tiffany cringed unwittingly when Jessica said that name with such ease.
“Yep!”
“She sounds like an incredible person, I’d love to meet her.”
Tiffany felt her own facial muscles tightened, she couldn’t control them that well, unlike Jessica. This situation was a total farce. Jessica was showing admiration for Taeyeon with that heartfelt look and earnest tone. It was slightly unnerving to Tiffany, how Jessica could easily say things like meeting Taeyeon.
“Of course! She would have been a superstar if not for the fact that she dislikes the spotlight and she didn’t want the relationship with Fany to b- OH SHIT,” Hyoyeon widened her eyes as she looked to Tiffany, “sorry, um your friend knows right?”
“Yes, blabbermouth. You never ever change,” Tiffany rolled her eyes, Hyo was impossible to control.
“Great! No harm done!” Hyoyeon beamed, “Anyway those two are so in love, how can anyone not know? I bet you gays shit rainbow out.”
“Poop jokes, Taetae would love that,” Tiffany had to counter with that as she imagined Taeyeon’s face contorted from that ridiculous Ahjumma laugh. For a second, she forgot that Jessica was there and the tenderness slipped into her expression.
“Sure Fany, I’ll text her the joke, “Hyoyeon had a silly smile plastered on, “Oh and we’ve Tiffany the scriptwriter here as well.”
“Mmhmm, that’s why I’m here with her. We were going to discuss that.”
Tiffany gaped, Jessica had effortlessly explained away their meeting with a possibly bogus column and Hyoyeon didn’t suspect it at all. Jessica was smooth, possibly more so than Tiffany. It was astounding, how skilled Jessica was at this cheating thing. Tiffany never saw her as someone who could lie and put on such a perfect front, she always looked more like those with a blunt personality.
How Jessica exceled at this cheating thing eluded Tiffany.
“This’s really cool! What other occupations are you looking at?”
“All sorts to be honest. Lawyers, painters, snake charmers, anything.”
“I’ve got a banker friend, pretty high up the ladder and earning big bucks. I could introduce her to you.” Tiffany begun, hoping to make the supposed lie more realistic.
“Banker’s been taken though. Besides, bankers are apparently boring people. Find me some interesting candidates.”
Hyoyeon gushed her agreement and continued the conversation with Jessica about a jerk of a banker she met once. Just then, a moment of madness took over Tiffany’s mind, and before she could think, her hand had slipped under the table and was resting on Jessica’s thigh.
Maybe it was the adrenaline rush that came with the action, she felt this overwhelming happiness along with an exploding heart. It was on Jessica, to not show any signs of a hand caressing her thigh; To not expose them, and to not incur any suspicion from Hyoyeon.
“Tiffany, what’s with the stupid grin on your face?” Tiffany jerked her head towards Jessica who was looking at her, face not showing a single trace of panic.
“Yeah, Fany you look dumb,” Hyoyeon’s attention had drifted to Tiffany, oblivious to what was really happening.
“Oh…” Tiffany spied Jessica’s eyes, the cunning little sparks and she got the message.
Two can play this game.
“Um… I’m just thinking about the fantastic dessert that’s coming up! Yummy!” Tiffany faked an excited squeal before she squealed for real when Jessica’s nail scrapped lightly along her inner thigh.
“Right, weirdo. Next thing I know, you'd be liking poop related things just like Tae.”
Tiffany managed to give a dry laugh and she was thankful that Hyoyeon was one of the most oblivious people she had ever known. Hyoyeon noticed nothing when they sent messages to each other through meaningful gazes and light touches, or when Jessica’s chest leaned against her arms longer than necessary as she stretched for the paper napkins. Tiffany nearly made the mistake of kicking Hyoyeon when she tried to run her legs along Jessica’s, a close shave but fortunately, Hyoyeon remained clueless.
It was thrilling and adrenaline pumped into Tiffany the whole time. She felt so much closer to Jessica just by communicating with mere eye contact. It felt magical.
When Hyoyeon finally left them for another appointment, the two of them burst out laughing immediately, unable to contain the emotions that had built up within.
“That was epic,” Jessica had laughed till there were tears.
“You naughty girl!”
“Yes and you are the saint? I wonder who first started caressing my thigh, hmm?”
They shared another laugh and Tiffany was ridiculously satisfied with how the day went. It was wonderful, with Jessica by her side and almost without a care about what would the outside world think of their relationship.
“It was nice to meet someone you know. Like, a real living person.”
It was out of the blue and Jessica said it with such a casual tone, as if she was merely pointing out a trivial issue. But it doused Tiffany’s mood, it sounded like a subtle hint to her even though she knew that it really wasn’t.
They lived in an empty world, created solely by the two of them and had everyone removed. Everyone else in their conversations were labeled as friends, colleagues, buddy, whatever it was no names were mentioned. It was only Taeyeon, she existed in the back of their head, behind the glossed over truth of their relationship. Taeyeon was like the thorn, a glaring reality in their constructed world.
Hyoyeon was a passing cloud; what really was waiting for them, was Taeyeon.
***
Taeyeon was back.
Tiffany had prepared herself prior to it, she knew the tour ended and Taeyeon would be around until something took her away. But it was strange, that when Tiffany saw the box lying on the ground she had felt moved. The pink box placed so innocently at the foot of the door to their apartment had led to her feeling a rush of yearning for Taeyeon.
It was romantic and cheesy Taeyeon at work, Tiffany knew, as she picked up the box and saw the words on the box.
My brightest light Fany :)
That was all it took for Tiffany to break down in tears in front of their apartment. She didn’t know how long she cried, merely squatting there and hugging the box without a notion of time. Her eyes felt sore, her legs were numbed and she was tired. But she sobbed without control, or without a need for control, she couldn’t tell which. Things were in disarray, that’s all she could tell, and she wasn’t ready for it.
“Fany?”
Tiffany heard the door click opened and it was Taeyeon’s voice. So clear and familiar.
“Fany! What’s wrong?”
That clear voice was tainted with worry, and Tiffany knew, even though her face was buried in her arms and eyes blinded by the tears, that Taeyeon’s eyebrows were knitted, eyes full of concern and she would definitely be biting her lips. Next Taeyeon would squat down with her and pull her into a hug.
“Fany Fany, don’t cry…”
Tiffany felt the guilt hit her full blast this time. Maybe because things with Jessica were crossing the physical and getting more and more into the emotional elements. Maybe because she knew that her love for Taeyeon was no longer as pure as before. Or maybe it was simply because she now loved Jessica as well.
She cried into Taeyeon’s embrace and felt like hitting herself. Taeyeon’s warmth was too comforting and familiar, and suddenly she couldn’t fathom why she had dislike the familiarity and stability. It was confusing and everything was turning topsy-turvy.
“Let’s go in okay? Come on Fany, I promise everything will be alright.”
Tiffany nodded, it wasn’t going to be alright, but she couldn’t tell Taeyeon that.
***
Everything was fucked up. Every single fucking thing.
Tiffany watched how Taeyeon hid the worry in her eyes as she put on the most comforting smile, because that was what Tiffany needed. That was fucked up.
How much Taeyeon loved her, it overwhelmed her.
It wasn’t something new, Tiffany knew of the extent of Taeyeon’s love all along but it didn’t matter because love wasn’t supposed to be balanced, it was normal that way.
But Jessica had entered the equation.
Tiffany watched as Taeyeon made some hot drink for her, it was like a child trying to take care of her sick mother. Things were horribly screwed up. Taeyeon was the one in need of the care and concern, Tiffany knew but couldn’t possibly explain that to Taeyeon.
As her nose started to clear after that ridiculous bout of weeping, Tiffany realized that a delicious smell was in the air. It was the smell of homemade food, and it dawned on her that Taeyeon had been cooking.
Tiffany wanted to choke herself.
“What happened?” Taeyeon sat down with her, passing her that cup of warm drink.
“Nothing,” Tiffany replied immediately, there was no other option for her.
Taeyeon’s concern was clear, she could guess that something was wrong yet she simply smiled, choosing to trust in Tiffany’s words even though it was such an obvious lie. That felt like a stab to her chest, that trust was too painful for her to bear.
Tiffany had never felt so much guilt to a person before, she didn’t expect herself to feel that much guilt. It had been smooth sailing, the initial lies the secret meetings and no there wasn’t much, if any, guilt.
“I’m sorry,” Tiffany blurted out.
“Why? I’m sure you didn’t burn any part of the kitchen this time, I checked,” Taeyeon raised her eyebrows, her lips curled up playfully.
“I don’t know.”
“Stressed up?”
“Yes.”
Taeyeon reached over and tenderly caressed her cheek. Taeyeon’s touch was always tender, and the way she leaned in and let their forehead touch, the chaste kiss that felt so loving. It was all Taeyeon’s way of giving Tiffany warmth and her way of keeping her place in Tiffany’s heart.
“I love you, Fany. Don’t worry too much okay?”
“I love you too Taetae,” Tiffany choked out the words, her emotions were swirling too much that she felt dizzy.
It wasn’t a lie, the love was still there. Just that other things had tainted it.
“I’m starting on a new script,” Tiffany began hesitantly, even she couldn’t tell if it was an attempt to cover up or was it just a normal conversation.
“So it’s because of that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Ignorance is bliss,” Taeyeon winked and laughed, running a hand through Tiffany’s hair.
As Taeyeon walked off to finish up the dinner preparation, Tiffany couldn’t help but feel her heartache. It was so apt, what Taeyeon said. It was so apt that it hurt.
Tiffany’s legs took her over to where Taeyeon was, and she watched as Taeyeon busied herself in the kitchen. It was a familiar sight, but really hard to stomach at the moment.
“I’m such a horrible person, Taetae,” Tiffany went up to Taeyeon and hugged her by the neck, breathing into her hair, “I’m so horrible.”
“Oh?” Taeyeon chuckled, the light hearted tone was piercing to Tiffany, “I know that, Fany. Knew it long long long ago.”
And it was the hidden meaning behind that which almost had Tiffany burst into tears again. Taeyeon knew the state Tiffany was in and yet chose trust and love above everything else.
It was too much to handle.
That night, Tiffany stared at her phone when Taeyeon was in the showers. She contemplated texting Jessica but she had no idea what to say. What would she say? End things with Jessica? It wasn’t possible.
Things are so screwed up. I’m so screwed up. There’s a monster in me Soonkyu. A greedy and insatiable monster.
Tiffany got a reply from Sunny uncharacteristically quickly.
It’s okay Miyoungie, things will be alright somehow. I love you, come to me when you are too trapped by everything.
Sunny was like Taeyeon, albeit in another form and Tiffany cried softly again.
***
Nothing changed, be it with Jessica or Taeyeon. She was still cheating on Taeyeon with Jessica, but at the same time still very much in love with Taeyeon. It was complex and after the crying saga with Taeyeon, her emotions had hit another level of complexity.
Jessica knew Taeyeon was back, Tiffany couldn’t pinpoint what was it that led her to that conclusion but it showed. Jessica wasn’t texting her as often, and was being absurdly understanding. Sometimes Tiffany would feel unworthy of Jessica, she was shortchanging her and simultaneously betraying Taeyeon.
She was a lousy girlfriend.
“Would you be able to live with me?”
Jessica looked up from the novel, Tiffany had managed to squeeze time out and they were chilling at Jessica’s apartment as usual. Their safe haven.
“Huh?”
“Like to be really together and live as if we're, I don’t know, married? Or like you and Taeyeon, for a lack of better description.”
Tiffany was stunned. She didn’t like the way Taeyeon came up again, and it sounded like a comparison this time. Maybe Jessica wasn’t that understanding and maybe this place wasn’t such a safe haven.
“Can we not go there?”
“No, Tiff. It isn’t about Taeyeon, it’s about you and me. Can we live as an us?”
“I think we're kind of-”
“If you're going to say that’s how we're like you should just shut up.”
“What the hell Jessi?”
“Shut up.”
Tiffany didn’t know if she could to be honest, it was as though Jessica was forcing her to choose. She knew that there wasn’t going to be a result to this connection between them, but she wanted to have it, to stay in it.
“Would you be confortable dating a cheater?” It was another shot out of the blue and Tiffany felt her blood boil.
“What?! What the fuck are you insinuating now Jessica Jung?”
“I’m not, I’m just asking,” Jessica was staring calmly at Tiffany, then she scoffed softly, “Sincerely, if you can’t tell.”
That sarcastic tone and scoff didn’t go down well with Tiffany and before she knew, she raised her volume to a shout. Suddenly, they were just yelling at each other, the serenity before entirely forgotten.
“I can’t then! All I hear is you accusing me and trying to ruin everything we have. What is your fucking problem?”
“You're too bloody sensitive Tiffany. And what the fuck do we have anyway?! We have nothing!”
Jessica yelled back and only silence followed, as they glared at each other, neither side willing to relent. The fight was real and emotions were raw. No one wanted it, but it was bound to happen. She was ill prepared for a burst up with Jessica, she thought the first confrontation would happen with Taeyeon.
“Love,” Tiffany croaked out, eyes teary, “I think we have love don’t we?”
“An immoral one at best.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Tiffany retorted instantly, “Jessi, it doesn’t matter. That’s everything to me.”
“I was being sincere just now,” Jessica’s eyes fell as though it hurt to look at Tiffany, and Tiffany couldn’t understand why, “the questions. They weren’t an attack on you.”
They fell back into silence, the cracks are surfacing, and Tiffany feared it. They were locked in their own world trying their hardest to keep people out, but suddenly things were breaking down from within.
“I value my private space. That's why I asked you, I guess,” Jessica’s voice cut into the silence between them, there was something in that tone, something that Tiffany just couldn’t define, “Even if we were to be so stable that we could live together I still don't like the idea. I'd feel invaded. Weird huh?”
Jessica didn’t sound like she was joking, nor just trying to cover up her sharp words previously. She sounded so serious that Tiffany felt her next sentence might just be “I think that’s it for us”.
“I don't like my relationship to be known to the whole world. If I have to choose, I’d rather keep it silent,” Jessica smiled, bitterly, “Maybe that’s how we managed to sustain this… Love?”
Tiffany shut her eyes, she couldn’t bring herself close to Jessica without either of their hearts breaking. She couldn’t look straight into Jessica’s eyes without the threat of tears.
“I wished we had met earlier. Five, no, seven years earlier. We wouldn’t be stuck in this if it were so…” Tiffany muttered, tired of everything but not able to let go of anything.
“Maybe,” Tiffany was staring at the blackness behind her closed eyes, and only the wistful tone of Jessica’s floated into her ears, “ or maybe you wouldn’t have stuck with me if that was the case. Or maybe I wouldn’t, who knows?”
Tiffany couldn’t answer, lost for words and trapped in this downwards spiral.
All of a sudden, Tiffany felt soft hands on her cheeks and when she opened her eyes, Jessica was staring at her, a piercing gaze accompanied by a solemn expression. Melancholy ghosted over Jessica’s face briefly when she finally spoke.
“Don’t ever try breaking up for me, Tiff. All we have is now.”
***
Tiffany was having lunch alone when an unexpected number showed up on her phone. The name Soonkyu was flashing and Sunny’s bright smile was coaxing her to pick up the call.
“I bump into Tae.”
“What the fuck?”
Sunny didn’t even said hello, she sounded rushed and went straight to the point.
“Yep, after all those months I didn’t see her, it just had to be after you told me you were cheating.”
“You didn’t tell right?”
“10 points to Gryffindor! Wonderful answer Hermione!”
Tiffany heaved a sigh of relief, not because she didn’t trust Sunny. But for certain things, hearing it first hand was always more comforting.
“Thanks, 10 points to Ravenclaw!”
“God, trust you to continue that. Your Taeyeon looked happy, in love and basically nothing. No difference. Zilch. You pull off this cheating shit quite well.”
“10 points to Gryffindor again?”
“Overkill Miyoung. Taeyeon talked to me about her new project, she’s trying to be a musical actress.” Sunny’s tone made it sound more like a question than a statement and Tiffany knew what Sunny was getting at.
“Confession, I didn’t know that… Maybe it’s a surprise?”
“Great way to cover your ass.”
“Fine, I think she mentioned it, but it slipped my mind.” Tiffany conceded, Sunny was one person she couldn’t lie to, “I’m too busy with this new script, Jessica inspires the most wonderful things in me.”
There was a pause, almost like Sunny got cut off as Tiffany heard a void.
“Hello? Soonkyu?”
“Was in the lift. Did I hear a Jessica?”
“Yes, slip of tongue.”
“So you're cheating on Taeyeon with this… Jessica?”
“You make her sound like some item, Soonkyu.”
Tiffany heard that overprotective tone she used, and a sigh sounded out at Sunny’s end. Sunny had caught on, things weren’t that simple.
“So, Jessica is her name?”
“Obviously.”
“Okay, I won’t ask for more description. I have a feeling you won’t say and I won’t want to know.”
“Yeah, access denied. Jessica and I, we live in an empty world, it’s only two of us.”
“And let’s pray that no one barges in.”
“You're being weirdly pessimistic.”
“Well Miyoung, this love of yours isn’t exactly positive, and I’ve got to go, tons of stuff to do and a bitch to meet,” it was said with a hurried tone but there this cheerfulness that Tiffany couldn’t miss.
“That’s some suspicious bitch there, you sounded too happy. “
“A smoking hot bitch,” Sunny laughed, “She’s actually-“
She was interrupted by some shouts in the background, Tiffany heard Sunny yell something muffled back at those voices, before her voice came back on. This time it sounded hurried and annoyed.
“Dammit, really gotta go now, emergency meeting! Shit, the bitch won’t be happy about this. Urg. See ya okay?”
After Sunny hung up, Tiffany could no longer continue her lunch, with the endless uneasiness that seeped into her. Fate was a funny thing, and although she often laughed at those overly cliché plots filled with the typical fateful meetings, she couldn’t help but think there were some truth to those.
It would explain how Sunny randomly encountered Taeyeon and how Tiffany met Jessica.
Tiffany furrowed her brows, a headache was on the brink of exploding. She tapped on her phone, editing the message a few times before finally sending it.
Let’s go on a date tonight!
***
It was a double life. There was a fear of getting caught in the act of cheating and there was this unstoppable desire that surged within her. It kept leading her to Jessica and Tiffany was helpless against it.
As she stood near the washroom area waiting for Taeyeon, her thoughts travelled to Jessica. What Jessica was doing and how was her day, all of that. She didn’t consider the consequences of her actions, and simply called Jessica. The desire to hear Jessica’s voice, had overpowered logical thoughts temporarily.
“Tiff?”
“Hey.”
“Strange time for you to call…”
“I missed you.”
“Check your surroundings,” Tiffany heard a mixture of amusement and worry in Jessica’s tone.
“I’m serious.”
“Did something happen?”
Tiffany contemplated, was Sunny bumping into Taeyeon worth mentioning?
“Nope,” Tiffany decided against it, she didn’t have the luxury of time, “are you home?”
“Driving, on my way to meet my banker.”
“Huh? But it’s past 8pm!”
“Said banker will be my column subject and I have to wheedle her into participation.”
“Oh, that column was for real?”
“Yes, and this idiot banker of mine is too busy to even eat at a proper time. Now I’m stuck with such a screwed up time for dinner.”
Tiffany noted that Jessica didn’t sound as irritated as she would have imagined her to be; conversely, her tone was light and carefree. It was a weird. The Jessica that Tiffany knew wasn’t such a patient or easygoing person; that column must be important.
“I’m almost there, talk to you later maybe?”
“Yeah,” Tiffany knew that later probably meant a time when she wasn’t with Taeyeon, “ I love you, bye.”
“Love you too, Tiff.”
The timing Tiffany hung up was impeccable; Taeyeon stepped out of the toilet soon after, complaining about the long queue and two faulty cubicles. But Tiffany couldn’t process Taeyeon’s words entirely as she double-checked in her head that she had erased all traces of contact with Jessica from her phone. It was tiring, but Jessica was worth the effort and paranoia.
Warped, but whatever.
“Hyo said you’ve got a friend Jessica,” Taeyeon began innocently, critically examining a display of plastic toys, “she’s going to feature Hyo in a magazine?”
“Oh, yeah I think so, she’s thinking of featuring us as well.”
There were so many ways Tiffany could have phrased the sentence but she chose to use the word us, it was a subconscious effort to make things intimate.
“Nah,” Taeyeon made a face and stuck out her tongue, “I’m too good to be featured along with you.”
Tiffany stared at Taeyeon with mocked hurt, before she laughed and lightly punched her. Taeyeon’s eyes were sparkly, flashing Tiffany that kiddy smile before she slipped her hand into Tiffany’s. The smile that captivated her back when they just begun, and Tiffany felt her heart throbbed.
“Hyo said she was really pretty, almost like a doll. How you got to know her?”
“Hmm?” Tiffany tried to think of something rapidly, a pause would be too suspicious, “She’s Sunny’s friend.”
She gave the first excuse she could think of, and mentally reminded herself to tell Sunny to match her story if Taeyeon asked. More and more people were getting involved in this and a sense of dread overcame her. There was an urgent need to divert Taeyeon’s attention. She was about to talk about Sunny’s suggestion of a game room when a pair heels and familiar legs caught her eye; It was that pair of glittery silver heels, and those legs that tangled with hers in bed.
It was Jessica.
Jessica was walking towards her. The panic button smashed and alarms sounded in her head as she tried her best to keep herself from falling into obvious hysteria.
She was holding hands with Taeyeon and Jessica was approaching. Disaster.
“I’d love to meet this Jessica,” Tiffany heard Taeyeon’s voice and her words sounded like a buzz, “I guess I would? If she features me.”
“Yeah…” Jessica was walking closer, in fact they were walking towards each other, “If she decides to, you would.”
The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on Tiffany. It was so bad that Tiffany felt something sour threatening to escape from her throat.
When they were merely a few steps apart, Tiffany noticed that Jessica had her face like a porcelain doll, showing no emotions or recognition. She heard Taeyeon continued on about joining Hyoyeon’s dance school as a vocal instructor but could only nod and mumble vague responses.
Jessica brushed passed her without faltering. They were strangers out in the real world, no one must know. Everything was surreal.
But for a split second she felt familiar fingers thread into her free hand, and she knew that she had held hands with Jessica momentarily.
Tiffany felt sick.
Taeyeon on one side and Jessica on the other.
The situation was so absurd but so true.
“Tae.”
“Hmm?”
“I love you.”
Taeyeon looked surprised at the sudden confession, but her face lit up and she gave Tiffany’s hand a light squeeze.
“Fany, you’re so silly,” Taeyeon’s eyes gleamed, “but that’s why I love you.”
Tiffany felt a bit of that sickening feeling go away and she smiled, a genuine smile because she really loved Taeyeon.
She heard Jessica’s heels click like the first time they met, but they were going further away, in the other direction and staway from her.
Their happiness and love didn’t belong here. Tiffany was strangely clear-headed despite what transpired. Jessica probably knew all along, she had been the more levelheaded person in this whole affair. Her thoughts drifted to what Jessica said, it was still fresh in her mind, almost ingrained.
“Don’t ever try breaking up for me, Tiff. All we have is now.”
It was painful, she no longer knew what was now. Because somehow the worlds had collided. Taeyeon was with her, yet her mind was on Jessica.
“I’m a really bad woman.”
She never managed to grasp the actual meaning of that sentence; there was always this feeling of something more to Jessica. But it no longer mattered as well.
I’m a really bad woman too, Tiffany silently muttered.
Nothing would come out of the entanglement. She knew, but she wanted to stay in that web of immorality and betrayal. She was already caught and she would stay until the walls crumbled down and buried her.
They had everything and nothing. From the start till the end of it, everything and nothing at all.
end