Often I like the repetition of words like 'it' and 'and', but I agree that there should be a comma in lieu of the 'and' in the first line.
Yes, I was trying to say she smells like warmth.
Her voice is smooth like pearls, the words themselves don't matter as much as the sound of them.
Agreed on the 'not just tonight', thanks for pointing that out.
The sun gave Ix Chel up so that she might do as she chose, but then he realized she was not having an affair and tried to come back to her. She grew tired of his fickle attitude and eventually moved along. In this comparison, Andrew has given Kamili the world, but he is still jealous of her romance with it. Instead of losing her to it, he has chosen to be there with her. Jealous lovers often do things that don't rationally make sense, and while he is irrational in that regard he is aware of his jealousy and trying to negate it.
Ah.. Thanks for the clarification. Now, I want to know what happens. Does she tire of him always pacifying her with new places? Does she resent him for being there while she's romancing the world?
I find this piece a little too disjointed. I also think you're using too many adjectives, I think this gets in the way of your interesting observations. I would like to read more though, so post more when you have it!
You should have seen how many adjectives I removed before posting! Hahah, it's one of my biggest faults, and I'll work on editing a few more out. Thanks for reading. =)
Nitty-gritty first: The pearl imagery. I don't think that it says what you want it to say. I think you should either reword it, or cut it out completely. You gave her an African name meaning perfection. Any special reason? If not, then I'd consider either changing it, or the name Andrew. The juxtaposition between all of your exotic names and Andrew implies that you don't think he fits in with her life, though he clearly wants to.
In all, I think I could really really like this. The myth upon which your story is based is beautiful, but you must consider that only a few people are going to be familiar with Ix Chel and Izanami. For most people, your story as it is cannot stand alone without that last separate paragraph. Perhaps you can find a way to weave a parallel storyline into the one you've already written
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Already removed the pearl imagery. I gave her the name because of it's meaning, and his name because he does not fit in. As you say, he does indeed want to. I thought it was kind of nice giving her a name appropriate for a Goddess, especially since that is sort of how Andrew looks at her. Initially I used the name Kamili as it is the Cherokee name for Camille (my middle name, and I am Cherokee haha). Then it fell into place with the God/Goddess imagery, and I forgot the Native American implications I was originally going to go with. Maybe I should change it to Camille now that he is Andrew instead of Enidina. I kinda liked the African ties and it's meaning though. Hmm
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Often I like the repetition of words like 'it' and 'and', but I agree that there should be a comma in lieu of the 'and' in the first line.
Yes, I was trying to say she smells like warmth.
Her voice is smooth like pearls, the words themselves don't matter as much as the sound of them.
Agreed on the 'not just tonight', thanks for pointing that out.
The sun gave Ix Chel up so that she might do as she chose, but then he realized she was not having an affair and tried to come back to her. She grew tired of his fickle attitude and eventually moved along. In this comparison, Andrew has given Kamili the world, but he is still jealous of her romance with it. Instead of losing her to it, he has chosen to be there with her. Jealous lovers often do things that don't rationally make sense, and while he is irrational in that regard he is aware of his jealousy and trying to negate it.
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But seriously, I would like to expand on this, I kind of liked the way the characters formed in my head.
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The pearl imagery. I don't think that it says what you want it to say. I think you should either reword it, or cut it out completely.
You gave her an African name meaning perfection. Any special reason? If not, then I'd consider either changing it, or the name Andrew. The juxtaposition between all of your exotic names and Andrew implies that you don't think he fits in with her life, though he clearly wants to.
In all, I think I could really really like this. The myth upon which your story is based is beautiful, but you must consider that only a few people are going to be familiar with Ix Chel and Izanami. For most people, your story as it is cannot stand alone without that last separate paragraph. Perhaps you can find a way to weave a parallel storyline into the one you've already written ( ... )
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