"Cozumel lay in white drifts, painted against deep blue waves and practically glowing beneath the full moon."
I would take out the and and replace it with a comma. The 'and' takes away from the flow of the sentence. (I'm a fan of fragments.)
"She smelled like it, her hair sweet with it."
Having it twice in this sentence makes it a bit confusing. You're trying to say she smells like warmth?
"Her words tumbled past pink lips like a string of pearls worn smooth by the sea."
Pretty words, but they don't really make sense to me. Her words are smooth like pearls? Her voice? Her lips?
"The world is yours, not just tonight"
'not just tonight' muddles this sentence. If you're offering someone the world one would assume it wouldn't just be for one night, unless it was pre-stipulated.
I'm not really sure about the symbolism. Did the sun give Ix Chel to the morning star? Or did he enable her to be with him? Because the way your piece is written Andrew is giving Kamili to her lover. If he is jealous why would he do that?
The images are vivid making this piece very realistic, which I like. I just need some clarifications.
Often I like the repetition of words like 'it' and 'and', but I agree that there should be a comma in lieu of the 'and' in the first line.
Yes, I was trying to say she smells like warmth.
Her voice is smooth like pearls, the words themselves don't matter as much as the sound of them.
Agreed on the 'not just tonight', thanks for pointing that out.
The sun gave Ix Chel up so that she might do as she chose, but then he realized she was not having an affair and tried to come back to her. She grew tired of his fickle attitude and eventually moved along. In this comparison, Andrew has given Kamili the world, but he is still jealous of her romance with it. Instead of losing her to it, he has chosen to be there with her. Jealous lovers often do things that don't rationally make sense, and while he is irrational in that regard he is aware of his jealousy and trying to negate it.
Ah.. Thanks for the clarification. Now, I want to know what happens. Does she tire of him always pacifying her with new places? Does she resent him for being there while she's romancing the world?
I would take out the and and replace it with a comma. The 'and' takes away from the flow of the sentence. (I'm a fan of fragments.)
"She smelled like it, her hair sweet with it."
Having it twice in this sentence makes it a bit confusing. You're trying to say she smells like warmth?
"Her words tumbled past pink lips like a string of pearls worn smooth by the sea."
Pretty words, but they don't really make sense to me. Her words are smooth like pearls? Her voice? Her lips?
"The world is yours, not just tonight"
'not just tonight' muddles this sentence. If you're offering someone the world one would assume it wouldn't just be for one night, unless it was pre-stipulated.
I'm not really sure about the symbolism. Did the sun give Ix Chel to the morning star? Or did he enable her to be with him? Because the way your piece is written Andrew is giving Kamili to her lover. If he is jealous why would he do that?
The images are vivid making this piece very realistic, which I like. I just need some clarifications.
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Often I like the repetition of words like 'it' and 'and', but I agree that there should be a comma in lieu of the 'and' in the first line.
Yes, I was trying to say she smells like warmth.
Her voice is smooth like pearls, the words themselves don't matter as much as the sound of them.
Agreed on the 'not just tonight', thanks for pointing that out.
The sun gave Ix Chel up so that she might do as she chose, but then he realized she was not having an affair and tried to come back to her. She grew tired of his fickle attitude and eventually moved along. In this comparison, Andrew has given Kamili the world, but he is still jealous of her romance with it. Instead of losing her to it, he has chosen to be there with her. Jealous lovers often do things that don't rationally make sense, and while he is irrational in that regard he is aware of his jealousy and trying to negate it.
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But seriously, I would like to expand on this, I kind of liked the way the characters formed in my head.
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