Nitty-gritty first: The pearl imagery. I don't think that it says what you want it to say. I think you should either reword it, or cut it out completely. You gave her an African name meaning perfection. Any special reason? If not, then I'd consider either changing it, or the name Andrew. The juxtaposition between all of your exotic names and Andrew implies that you don't think he fits in with her life, though he clearly wants to.
In all, I think I could really really like this. The myth upon which your story is based is beautiful, but you must consider that only a few people are going to be familiar with Ix Chel and Izanami. For most people, your story as it is cannot stand alone without that last separate paragraph. Perhaps you can find a way to weave a parallel storyline into the one you've already written.
Your descriptions were good and the images you evoked were vivid and appropriate. I did, however, have some trouble believing your dialogue. It did not (for me) flow naturally, and I am sorry to say that it reminded me too much of the Harlequin genre. I feel like you're aiming for a restless wandering spirit vibe wrapped up in something tragically beautiful. The dialogue as it is now, detracts from your overall goal. Just my opinion.
Already removed the pearl imagery. I gave her the name because of it's meaning, and his name because he does not fit in. As you say, he does indeed want to. I thought it was kind of nice giving her a name appropriate for a Goddess, especially since that is sort of how Andrew looks at her. Initially I used the name Kamili as it is the Cherokee name for Camille (my middle name, and I am Cherokee haha). Then it fell into place with the God/Goddess imagery, and I forgot the Native American implications I was originally going to go with. Maybe I should change it to Camille now that he is Andrew instead of Enidina. I kinda liked the African ties and it's meaning though. Hmm.
I know there are issues with using the myth, it was the one thing I was really worried about in writing this piece. I have started trying to weave in the details without having to outright say it in a footnote, and it's proving tough. I have faith! I want to write something that is as clear on the page as it is in my head.
As for the dialogue, I do tend to write like a harlequin novel and I don't take offense to that. ;) Usually I do the poetry thing, or write much lengthier stories. I was going for a different feel with this piece, and planned on expanding further. I have rewritten some of the dialogue already. You are right, it's not as natural as it should be.
The rewrite is already in the works, and I'm definitely adding quite a bit. Thank you very much for taking the time to read and respond. =)
The pearl imagery. I don't think that it says what you want it to say. I think you should either reword it, or cut it out completely.
You gave her an African name meaning perfection. Any special reason? If not, then I'd consider either changing it, or the name Andrew. The juxtaposition between all of your exotic names and Andrew implies that you don't think he fits in with her life, though he clearly wants to.
In all, I think I could really really like this. The myth upon which your story is based is beautiful, but you must consider that only a few people are going to be familiar with Ix Chel and Izanami. For most people, your story as it is cannot stand alone without that last separate paragraph. Perhaps you can find a way to weave a parallel storyline into the one you've already written.
Your descriptions were good and the images you evoked were vivid and appropriate. I did, however, have some trouble believing your dialogue. It did not (for me) flow naturally, and I am sorry to say that it reminded me too much of the Harlequin genre. I feel like you're aiming for a restless wandering spirit vibe wrapped up in something tragically beautiful. The dialogue as it is now, detracts from your overall goal. Just my opinion.
If you ever rewrite this, I'd love to see it.
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I know there are issues with using the myth, it was the one thing I was really worried about in writing this piece. I have started trying to weave in the details without having to outright say it in a footnote, and it's proving tough. I have faith! I want to write something that is as clear on the page as it is in my head.
As for the dialogue, I do tend to write like a harlequin novel and I don't take offense to that. ;) Usually I do the poetry thing, or write much lengthier stories. I was going for a different feel with this piece, and planned on expanding further. I have rewritten some of the dialogue already. You are right, it's not as natural as it should be.
The rewrite is already in the works, and I'm definitely adding quite a bit. Thank you very much for taking the time to read and respond. =)
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