SGA WIP: Our Own Reality. 13/?. John/Rodney.
37,896/60,000. As you might have noticed, I corrected my target goal to 60,000 words. I've gone over the outline today and realized that many elements in it I have now actually already touched upon, so it's down to 21 outline points (which is mostly one, sometimes two scenes) more to go. Which should be doable.
This is set at the beginning of season 5. The fic will be John/Rodney, NC-17, and include a warning for ( skip) behavior that is technically sexual harassment (though I hope you'll understand John).
Our Own Reality 13/?
It only took another day for Rodney to show up in John's office.
He gave John the statistics from the latest missions, then hesitated. John was pretty sure that now was the point where he'd ask if maybe John would be willing to share that little missing piece. John had prepared himself to let him down easily, explaining that he wasn't ready to do that. John wasn't sure if he'd always feel that way. Maybe given some more time he'd be okay with it.
"The last mission .... That was nearly nine months before you, uh, woke up," Rodney began.
John looked at him. If you looked at it from the perspective from inside the machine "waking up" wasn't really the right word. But what else could they call it? "Yeah," he said.
"This was .... I looked at the tape and .... This was our first kiss, wasn't it?" Rodney asked, voice sounding a weird mixture of hopeful of vulnerable.
What really got to John though was the "our". To hear Rodney use that word in the context of a kiss, applied to the two of them ... did things to his insides. "It was their first kiss, yes," he confirmed, deliberately changing the pronoun because it was more fitting and to save his own sanity.
"Yes, 'their' of course. Uhm. I know that what happened in the machine is none of our business and I-we all-appreciate that you're willing to share anything, but .... Would you maybe consider, since we're friends and all, would you consider telling me about it?" Rodney finished, and this time it sounded definitely hopeful.
John was a bit surprised. He'd been ready to turn down any request of Rodney to see the missing footage of his life in the machine, but to talk about it .... Talking meant he would remain in control, just like he was in control of the mission reviews, able to edit out anything that was too personal. "Tell you?" he still asked, because he wasn't quite sure what exactly Rodney wanted to know.
"Yes, nothing too detailed, obviously, certainly not ..." Rodney trailed off, face turning a shade of pink. "Just what it was like for us, uhm, them. What did we do on weekend? Did Jeannie know? Did we have, I don't know, breakfast in bed or 'our song' or, you know, that kind of thing."
John had to suppress a smile about Rodney's inability to stop referring to them as "we". It warmed his heart somehow both that Rodney seemed comfortable doing that and that he had at least a bit of the difficulties that John had had-and on some level still had-to separate the virtual life from the real one.
And then there was what Rodney was asking of him. He wanted to know what it was like. John didn't know if he could ever put that into words. Their life together had been a string of moments, each with their own range of emotions, that together made something much larger than the sum of its parts. Then there was still the matter of keeping it private at least to an extent. He just wasn't sure how much more than Rodney already knew he wanted to share with him.
"Let me think about it, okay?" he said to Rodney.
Rodney seemed relieved. "That's great! Take all the time you need. No wait! Please not as long as- Not that I can't understand after what you've been going thr-"
"Rodney," John stopped him with a smile on his face. "I got it."
"Ah, good. I'm grateful that you're considering it. I'll leave you to work," Rodney said. He looked at John for another moment, then turned and left.
To John it seemed he walked a bit lighter than before.
~~
Rodney was happy about the outcome of their conversation. John hadn't said yes, but Rodney had expected him to look away and tell Rodney that he was sorry but that he didn't feel up to sharing more of their virtual life than the glimpses they got in the mission reviews. The fact that John hadn't outright rejected his request was a very good sign in Rodney's book.
Rodney was glad he'd taken the chance. After he'd realized that he really wanted to know more about their relationship, he'd quickly come to the conclusion that no matter how much Rodney wanted it, John wasn't likely to offer it. He'd debated with himself whether to ask at all, but in the end there'd been nothing to lose. He'd been almost certain that it wouldn't put a danger to their still a bit fragile friendship to just ask.
Now that there was a chance that he might get answers, Rodney found himself wondering about their life in the machine.
One of the most interesting questions was how the machine had come to the conclusion that Rodney would return John's feelings. Did the machine assume he was bisexual?
They still didn't know how exactly which data the machine gathered and how it processed it all. But the results that they'd seen so far had been surprisingly convincing. They'd gone on missions that had played out almost exactly like in the machine. Granted, most of their missions followed a certain pattern of walking, meeting, trade negotiations or running for your life if things went bad. But still, the level of detail was astounding.
It wasn't always like this. There'd been a planet where the infrastructure and culture had developed so much that it had been entirely unrecognizable. But if the data was available and up to date, the simulation was very good.
The simulation of people was one of the things that were amazing. Rodney knew that Matthews would love to get a closer look on the analysis the machine did and on what data it based its conclusions, but there was little that they could find out while the machine was switched off and Woolsey said he couldn't allow them to waste insane amounts of energy for such an experiment.
So what Rodney knew amounted to what he was able to observe himself in the recordings that he had access to. And that was that the machine's representation of people was as faithful as everything else. He'd never felt the behavior of John, Teyla or Ronon jarring. Everything he watched in the mission reviews seemed plausible in itself.
It wasn't 100% the same. E.g. he did remember a certain tension between Teyla and John at the beginning when she'd not yet decided for sure if she would stay on the same. But that tension was natural and consistent with the world that the machine had created.
All of this made Rodney wonder why the machine thought that the development of a romantic relationship between him and John had been a plausible scenario.
And it couldn't just be that John had always wanted it. In fact Rodney wasn't sure if John's feelings for him-of the romantic kind-had existed before the machine. He certainly had never noticed anything. But even John had been in love with him, he hadn't asked for this to happen. 'Teach me' was what he'd thought.
And nothing else that he could see, certainly not the missions that left one of them hurt or the team that had died, implied that this was just a fantasy come true for John.
So why had the machine thought he was bisexual? And had the Rodney in the machine always been in love with John? There was an increase in flirtyness after the mission where Rodney had been kidnapped. Maybe that had been when virtual Rodney had realized his feelings for John had changed.
It was weird to imagine being in love with John. He'd dismissed it after first finding out about John's life in the machine, because he was straight. But Rodney began to wonder if that wasn't a bit narrow-minded of him. He still considered himself straight, but that didn't mean that he couldn't relate to being in love with another guy.
It didn't mean that he couldn't look at the recordings, at how Rodney had gazed at John and understand the mixture of desire and deep affection. Love was universal and there was no reason for it to be different when you felt it for a woman than when you did the same for a man.
The relationship that John and Rodney had had in the machine might not be something that Rodney could actually see happening in reality, but what it stood for, the feelings of safety, comfort, joy and contentment, was something that Rodney wanted in life. And this was a chance to get a glimpse of what such a life could be like for him.
That this particular glimpse would also include things like kissing and sex with another man was secondary. And Rodney had to admit that he was actively curious about the kiss, and he'd had a stray thought or two about the sex life he and John had had in the machine. He wasn't going to ask about that obviously.
But he did wonder.
~~
Rodney knew that the mission reviews weren't actually predicting how a mission went. It simply used the information it had to present a likely outcome, meaning that missions to planets with hostile natives were more likely to turn out wrong. Which was a given anyway.
However, seeing many of their missions turn out similarly as they did on the mission review must have lured him into a very false sense of safety this time around. When the shooting had started, Rodney had been so shocked that he hadn't been able to move for a second until Ronon pushed him to the ground and out of harms way.
Then the running had started and Rodney had only a faint protest in his head that they had been supposed to be nice and helpful with wonderful food to boot. His disappointment and shock soon turned into something else though.
Half-way to the gate the natives managed to hit John in the leg and he went down. In typical fashion his first reaction was to tell them to go on without him, which they refused. Seeing that they weren't going to leave him to die, John ordered Teyla to make her way to the gate and call for help, while they defended their ground.
They managed to kill the pursuers closest to them, but more were coming and their current position presented them on a silver platter.
"Help me hide in the woods and then you can go on to the gate," John said.
"We're not leaving you," Rodney said, helping John up.
"No, you're going to the gate and wait for the team that Woolsey will send," John said, hobbling off the path into the forest. "Where's Ronon?"
They heard a shot coming from a bit down the road. "I got him. You hide Sheppard. I'll try to draw them away."
"Okay," Rodney said.
"Remember when I was in charge?" John said, sounding just a bit pissed off.
"Yes, Colonel," Rodney said. "You sent Teyla for help and said we'd stand our ground. Which is what we're doing."
John managed to glare at him. Rodney figured that meant it wasn't too bad. He still took a look at the wound and ligated it.
John was biting his lip. No sound was coming from his mouth. Ever the stoic one.
There were shots coming from further away. "Looking for someone?" they heard Ronon through the radio.
John and Rodney shared a look. Ronon would be okay. The natives didn't seem to have an organized army and their weapons weren't a match for them either. But it still was one against many and even if Woolsey sent a team immediately after Teyla explained the situation, it would take a moment.
Rodney looked down at John. His jaw was clenched and the color had left his face. Rodney knelt down and put his hand on John's forehead. It felt cold and clammy.
"You're not fainting are you?" he said. John seemed to be getting worse by the minute. Rodney knew that the last thing they needed now was for him to panic but unfortunately this wasn't just not at all like the mission review of this planet, it also meant that he didn't have the certainty that they were all going to be okay.
"You mean passing out?" John asked with a weak smile.
Rodney blinked. Then he remembered that long ago conversation when they'd just arrived on Atlantis. Rodney was torn between anger that John would joke in this situation and fond remembrance. "Whatever you want to call it," he said.
"'m okay," John said, but his words sounded slurred. This wasn't good.
"Teyla, how far are you?" Rodney asked into his radio.
"Nearly there," she said. He could hear her panting as she ran.
There were some more shots coming from even further away, though slightly more back in the direction of the gate.
They didn't hear anything.
"Ronon?" John asked weakly.
There was no answer on the radio but it was switched on and off. Requesting radio silence.
Rodney and John looked at each other. The natives had to be closing in on Ronon. John slumped down against the tree trunk he'd been sitting at. Fuck.
Rodney straightened him, holding his face. He seemed to have trouble focusing on Rodney.
'Hang in there,' Rodney said silently.
Then there were more shots and Ronon said, "Got them. Teyla are you there yet?"
Rodney automatically turned in the direction that he knew his friends had to be in. They could hear Teyla panting, putting on even a bit more speed, then after a few more seconds. "I'm at the gate and dialing Atlantis."
Rodney sighed in relief. Woolsey would sent help and they'd be okay. He turned back to John, a smile on his face. John wasn't looking at him and instead lifted his sidearm at Rodney.
"What the-"
Then John shot, and behind Rodney a body went to the ground. For a second Rodney could feel or hear nothing but the pounding in his chest. He turned around and saw the lone, armed man that had approached them lying between the trees.
"Sav'd y' life," John said, smiling again though he could hardly turn up the corners of his mouth.
"Yeah, you did," Rodney said.
John dropped the hand with the gun to the ground as if he didn't have the strength to hold it up.
"John," Rodney said. "You have to stay awake."
John blinked at him. "Tired," he mumbled hardly audible.
"I know," Rodney said, "but you can't lose consciousness. You know that. They'll send a team and get us out of here. Just hold on and then Jennifer can patch you up and you can sleep all you want."
John kept closing his eyes, forcing them open again.
"Come on, John. You've been through worse. This is just a little shot in the leg." Rodney tried not to look at the blood soaking John's BDU pants.
John looked at him, managing to keep his eyes open for a moment. "If I die-"
"Nonononono, there will not be talk about dying. Nobody is dying. There is no dying on this mission! Do you hear me?!"
Unbelievably John smiled at that.
"Mock me all you want. I don't care. You're not dying on me. Not today. Actually, make that not ever. If you're so desperate to go, you'll have to kill me first. And I very much want to live. So you can't die either." Rodney realized that his hands began to shake as much as his voice. But he couldn't help it.
John lifted his hand, slowly but with determination, until he could cup Rodney's face. "Okay," he said. Then he stroked Rodney's cheek with his thumb. "Okay?" John repeated this time as a question.
And strangely enough it was. Not completely, it wouldn't be until they were at home and safe, but the shaking of his hands had stopped. Rodney nodded.
John pulled minutely on his face, and after a second, Rodney went with him until his head was resting on John's shoulder, John's hand stroking his hair.
They stayed like that, and Rodney forced himself to think of nothing but that a team would come for them while they waited.
Otherwise he'd have to question why it was that he felt completely safe right now, in a forest on a planet crawling with natives that wanted to kill them.
~~
Recovery was a bitch. Keller grounded him for at least a week, and Lorne had the brilliant idea to use the time to catch up on paperwork and to discuss a few changes they'd thought on making to the training program for new arrivals.
John knew he'd fallen behind in part because of their mission reviews, so he grudgingly agreed. Thankfully Keller had told him to rest when he felt he needed it, so he called a team movie night the first day after Keller had released him.
It was the latest summer blockbuster action flick, and John prepared himself for a relaxing evening where Ronon would comment on the quality of the fights and explosions, Teyla would ask questions about Earth, and Rodney would bitch about the lack of plot, believable characters, and anything resembling logic. There'd be enough popcorn even for Ronon and Rodney.
The movie started and John's gaze drifted towards his team, Ronon, Teyla, and finally Rodney. And then, as had happened every time since Lorne had flown in with a puddlejumper to pick them up, John's mind turned to what had happened.
Things were a bit hazy. He'd lost quite a bit of blood. But certain things were so sharp in his memory that he couldn't dismiss them even if he had wanted to.
Rodney had become upset-just this side of hysteric-and John had instinctually reached out to comfort him. It had worked.
What was utterly amazing about it, though, and what had only occurred to John later after he'd woken up from surgery was that they'd both acted exactly as John remembered from his time in the machine.
He wasn't too surprised that he'd forgotten himself. It was bound to happen in a situation as stressful as that one. Even in normal situations his mind was still sometimes triggered by the way Rodney looked or acted, and he'd remember.
But it hadn't been just John!
Rodney's worry about him in the situation, the denial that John could die, the refusal to even consider that had been so familiar to John down to parts of what he'd said. But even more amazing than his worry-because Rodney had been worried about him before-was the way he'd reacted to John's touch.
In that moment, John had reached out to comfort Rodney, to ground him, and without thinking Rodney had settled down and let it happen. Just like virtual Rodney had.
John couldn't be sure if Rodney wouldn't have always reacted this way. Since it had never happened before in reality there was no way to tell. But even if this was always the way Rodney would react to John, it only made John wonder what else there was in Rodney that he'd never seen before being stuck in that machine.
Maybe if he asked Rodney out on a date he'd turn him down, but at some point when John's life was in danger again, he'd realize that he'd been wrong and wouldn't reject John a second time. Maybe all of what had happened could happen in reality because the potential that the machine had somehow seen had always been there.
John tried to dismiss this whole train of thoughts. He remembered their strained relationship not too long ago too well to risk it again and this wouldn't just be asking Rodney out after realizing he was in love with him. Rodney would inevitably draw the conclusion that it had something to do with their life in the machine and he wouldn't be wrong. But he might think that John was merely trying to re-create what he'd lost. Which was both true and not true.
He did want to recreate it insofar as he wanted them to be happy together. But he didn't want the exact same life. He wanted a reality with Rodney and he simply hoped that it would be like in the machine. And now he was beginning to believe that it could actually happen.
John realized that his old "I'm not in love with him" mantra had pretty much flown straight out the window, along with the "He's not the guy from TV". Even though Rodney wasn't the same person. They weren't the same in terms of experiences and their relationship with John. But after the last mission John felt that Rodney was that person in every regard that mattered.
Rodney could fall in love with him. It didn't mean that he would, it didn't mean that things would turn out the same for them, but it meant that the story of John and Rodney's relationship wasn't just John's anymore.
He was going to share it with Rodney. Not everything. He still hadn't watched the private recordings himself, and he wouldn't show them to Rodney. But he could tell Rodney what he wanted to hear.
He would tell him how he'd turned down John because he'd thought he was straight, how they'd continued on after that, and how that mission had changed everything. And then he'd tell Rodney about their life together.
John hoped that in the end, Rodney would realize that he didn't just want to hear that story, but that he wanted to live it. With John.
This is set at the beginning of season 5. The fic will be John/Rodney, NC-17, and include a warning for ( skip) behavior that is technically sexual harassment (though I hope you'll understand John).
Our Own Reality 13/?
It only took another day for Rodney to show up in John's office.
He gave John the statistics from the latest missions, then hesitated. John was pretty sure that now was the point where he'd ask if maybe John would be willing to share that little missing piece. John had prepared himself to let him down easily, explaining that he wasn't ready to do that. John wasn't sure if he'd always feel that way. Maybe given some more time he'd be okay with it.
"The last mission .... That was nearly nine months before you, uh, woke up," Rodney began.
John looked at him. If you looked at it from the perspective from inside the machine "waking up" wasn't really the right word. But what else could they call it? "Yeah," he said.
"This was .... I looked at the tape and .... This was our first kiss, wasn't it?" Rodney asked, voice sounding a weird mixture of hopeful of vulnerable.
What really got to John though was the "our". To hear Rodney use that word in the context of a kiss, applied to the two of them ... did things to his insides. "It was their first kiss, yes," he confirmed, deliberately changing the pronoun because it was more fitting and to save his own sanity.
"Yes, 'their' of course. Uhm. I know that what happened in the machine is none of our business and I-we all-appreciate that you're willing to share anything, but .... Would you maybe consider, since we're friends and all, would you consider telling me about it?" Rodney finished, and this time it sounded definitely hopeful.
John was a bit surprised. He'd been ready to turn down any request of Rodney to see the missing footage of his life in the machine, but to talk about it .... Talking meant he would remain in control, just like he was in control of the mission reviews, able to edit out anything that was too personal. "Tell you?" he still asked, because he wasn't quite sure what exactly Rodney wanted to know.
"Yes, nothing too detailed, obviously, certainly not ..." Rodney trailed off, face turning a shade of pink. "Just what it was like for us, uhm, them. What did we do on weekend? Did Jeannie know? Did we have, I don't know, breakfast in bed or 'our song' or, you know, that kind of thing."
John had to suppress a smile about Rodney's inability to stop referring to them as "we". It warmed his heart somehow both that Rodney seemed comfortable doing that and that he had at least a bit of the difficulties that John had had-and on some level still had-to separate the virtual life from the real one.
And then there was what Rodney was asking of him. He wanted to know what it was like. John didn't know if he could ever put that into words. Their life together had been a string of moments, each with their own range of emotions, that together made something much larger than the sum of its parts. Then there was still the matter of keeping it private at least to an extent. He just wasn't sure how much more than Rodney already knew he wanted to share with him.
"Let me think about it, okay?" he said to Rodney.
Rodney seemed relieved. "That's great! Take all the time you need. No wait! Please not as long as- Not that I can't understand after what you've been going thr-"
"Rodney," John stopped him with a smile on his face. "I got it."
"Ah, good. I'm grateful that you're considering it. I'll leave you to work," Rodney said. He looked at John for another moment, then turned and left.
To John it seemed he walked a bit lighter than before.
~~
Rodney was happy about the outcome of their conversation. John hadn't said yes, but Rodney had expected him to look away and tell Rodney that he was sorry but that he didn't feel up to sharing more of their virtual life than the glimpses they got in the mission reviews. The fact that John hadn't outright rejected his request was a very good sign in Rodney's book.
Rodney was glad he'd taken the chance. After he'd realized that he really wanted to know more about their relationship, he'd quickly come to the conclusion that no matter how much Rodney wanted it, John wasn't likely to offer it. He'd debated with himself whether to ask at all, but in the end there'd been nothing to lose. He'd been almost certain that it wouldn't put a danger to their still a bit fragile friendship to just ask.
Now that there was a chance that he might get answers, Rodney found himself wondering about their life in the machine.
One of the most interesting questions was how the machine had come to the conclusion that Rodney would return John's feelings. Did the machine assume he was bisexual?
They still didn't know how exactly which data the machine gathered and how it processed it all. But the results that they'd seen so far had been surprisingly convincing. They'd gone on missions that had played out almost exactly like in the machine. Granted, most of their missions followed a certain pattern of walking, meeting, trade negotiations or running for your life if things went bad. But still, the level of detail was astounding.
It wasn't always like this. There'd been a planet where the infrastructure and culture had developed so much that it had been entirely unrecognizable. But if the data was available and up to date, the simulation was very good.
The simulation of people was one of the things that were amazing. Rodney knew that Matthews would love to get a closer look on the analysis the machine did and on what data it based its conclusions, but there was little that they could find out while the machine was switched off and Woolsey said he couldn't allow them to waste insane amounts of energy for such an experiment.
So what Rodney knew amounted to what he was able to observe himself in the recordings that he had access to. And that was that the machine's representation of people was as faithful as everything else. He'd never felt the behavior of John, Teyla or Ronon jarring. Everything he watched in the mission reviews seemed plausible in itself.
It wasn't 100% the same. E.g. he did remember a certain tension between Teyla and John at the beginning when she'd not yet decided for sure if she would stay on the same. But that tension was natural and consistent with the world that the machine had created.
All of this made Rodney wonder why the machine thought that the development of a romantic relationship between him and John had been a plausible scenario.
And it couldn't just be that John had always wanted it. In fact Rodney wasn't sure if John's feelings for him-of the romantic kind-had existed before the machine. He certainly had never noticed anything. But even John had been in love with him, he hadn't asked for this to happen. 'Teach me' was what he'd thought.
And nothing else that he could see, certainly not the missions that left one of them hurt or the team that had died, implied that this was just a fantasy come true for John.
So why had the machine thought he was bisexual? And had the Rodney in the machine always been in love with John? There was an increase in flirtyness after the mission where Rodney had been kidnapped. Maybe that had been when virtual Rodney had realized his feelings for John had changed.
It was weird to imagine being in love with John. He'd dismissed it after first finding out about John's life in the machine, because he was straight. But Rodney began to wonder if that wasn't a bit narrow-minded of him. He still considered himself straight, but that didn't mean that he couldn't relate to being in love with another guy.
It didn't mean that he couldn't look at the recordings, at how Rodney had gazed at John and understand the mixture of desire and deep affection. Love was universal and there was no reason for it to be different when you felt it for a woman than when you did the same for a man.
The relationship that John and Rodney had had in the machine might not be something that Rodney could actually see happening in reality, but what it stood for, the feelings of safety, comfort, joy and contentment, was something that Rodney wanted in life. And this was a chance to get a glimpse of what such a life could be like for him.
That this particular glimpse would also include things like kissing and sex with another man was secondary. And Rodney had to admit that he was actively curious about the kiss, and he'd had a stray thought or two about the sex life he and John had had in the machine. He wasn't going to ask about that obviously.
But he did wonder.
~~
Rodney knew that the mission reviews weren't actually predicting how a mission went. It simply used the information it had to present a likely outcome, meaning that missions to planets with hostile natives were more likely to turn out wrong. Which was a given anyway.
However, seeing many of their missions turn out similarly as they did on the mission review must have lured him into a very false sense of safety this time around. When the shooting had started, Rodney had been so shocked that he hadn't been able to move for a second until Ronon pushed him to the ground and out of harms way.
Then the running had started and Rodney had only a faint protest in his head that they had been supposed to be nice and helpful with wonderful food to boot. His disappointment and shock soon turned into something else though.
Half-way to the gate the natives managed to hit John in the leg and he went down. In typical fashion his first reaction was to tell them to go on without him, which they refused. Seeing that they weren't going to leave him to die, John ordered Teyla to make her way to the gate and call for help, while they defended their ground.
They managed to kill the pursuers closest to them, but more were coming and their current position presented them on a silver platter.
"Help me hide in the woods and then you can go on to the gate," John said.
"We're not leaving you," Rodney said, helping John up.
"No, you're going to the gate and wait for the team that Woolsey will send," John said, hobbling off the path into the forest. "Where's Ronon?"
They heard a shot coming from a bit down the road. "I got him. You hide Sheppard. I'll try to draw them away."
"Okay," Rodney said.
"Remember when I was in charge?" John said, sounding just a bit pissed off.
"Yes, Colonel," Rodney said. "You sent Teyla for help and said we'd stand our ground. Which is what we're doing."
John managed to glare at him. Rodney figured that meant it wasn't too bad. He still took a look at the wound and ligated it.
John was biting his lip. No sound was coming from his mouth. Ever the stoic one.
There were shots coming from further away. "Looking for someone?" they heard Ronon through the radio.
John and Rodney shared a look. Ronon would be okay. The natives didn't seem to have an organized army and their weapons weren't a match for them either. But it still was one against many and even if Woolsey sent a team immediately after Teyla explained the situation, it would take a moment.
Rodney looked down at John. His jaw was clenched and the color had left his face. Rodney knelt down and put his hand on John's forehead. It felt cold and clammy.
"You're not fainting are you?" he said. John seemed to be getting worse by the minute. Rodney knew that the last thing they needed now was for him to panic but unfortunately this wasn't just not at all like the mission review of this planet, it also meant that he didn't have the certainty that they were all going to be okay.
"You mean passing out?" John asked with a weak smile.
Rodney blinked. Then he remembered that long ago conversation when they'd just arrived on Atlantis. Rodney was torn between anger that John would joke in this situation and fond remembrance. "Whatever you want to call it," he said.
"'m okay," John said, but his words sounded slurred. This wasn't good.
"Teyla, how far are you?" Rodney asked into his radio.
"Nearly there," she said. He could hear her panting as she ran.
There were some more shots coming from even further away, though slightly more back in the direction of the gate.
They didn't hear anything.
"Ronon?" John asked weakly.
There was no answer on the radio but it was switched on and off. Requesting radio silence.
Rodney and John looked at each other. The natives had to be closing in on Ronon. John slumped down against the tree trunk he'd been sitting at. Fuck.
Rodney straightened him, holding his face. He seemed to have trouble focusing on Rodney.
'Hang in there,' Rodney said silently.
Then there were more shots and Ronon said, "Got them. Teyla are you there yet?"
Rodney automatically turned in the direction that he knew his friends had to be in. They could hear Teyla panting, putting on even a bit more speed, then after a few more seconds. "I'm at the gate and dialing Atlantis."
Rodney sighed in relief. Woolsey would sent help and they'd be okay. He turned back to John, a smile on his face. John wasn't looking at him and instead lifted his sidearm at Rodney.
"What the-"
Then John shot, and behind Rodney a body went to the ground. For a second Rodney could feel or hear nothing but the pounding in his chest. He turned around and saw the lone, armed man that had approached them lying between the trees.
"Sav'd y' life," John said, smiling again though he could hardly turn up the corners of his mouth.
"Yeah, you did," Rodney said.
John dropped the hand with the gun to the ground as if he didn't have the strength to hold it up.
"John," Rodney said. "You have to stay awake."
John blinked at him. "Tired," he mumbled hardly audible.
"I know," Rodney said, "but you can't lose consciousness. You know that. They'll send a team and get us out of here. Just hold on and then Jennifer can patch you up and you can sleep all you want."
John kept closing his eyes, forcing them open again.
"Come on, John. You've been through worse. This is just a little shot in the leg." Rodney tried not to look at the blood soaking John's BDU pants.
John looked at him, managing to keep his eyes open for a moment. "If I die-"
"Nonononono, there will not be talk about dying. Nobody is dying. There is no dying on this mission! Do you hear me?!"
Unbelievably John smiled at that.
"Mock me all you want. I don't care. You're not dying on me. Not today. Actually, make that not ever. If you're so desperate to go, you'll have to kill me first. And I very much want to live. So you can't die either." Rodney realized that his hands began to shake as much as his voice. But he couldn't help it.
John lifted his hand, slowly but with determination, until he could cup Rodney's face. "Okay," he said. Then he stroked Rodney's cheek with his thumb. "Okay?" John repeated this time as a question.
And strangely enough it was. Not completely, it wouldn't be until they were at home and safe, but the shaking of his hands had stopped. Rodney nodded.
John pulled minutely on his face, and after a second, Rodney went with him until his head was resting on John's shoulder, John's hand stroking his hair.
They stayed like that, and Rodney forced himself to think of nothing but that a team would come for them while they waited.
Otherwise he'd have to question why it was that he felt completely safe right now, in a forest on a planet crawling with natives that wanted to kill them.
~~
Recovery was a bitch. Keller grounded him for at least a week, and Lorne had the brilliant idea to use the time to catch up on paperwork and to discuss a few changes they'd thought on making to the training program for new arrivals.
John knew he'd fallen behind in part because of their mission reviews, so he grudgingly agreed. Thankfully Keller had told him to rest when he felt he needed it, so he called a team movie night the first day after Keller had released him.
It was the latest summer blockbuster action flick, and John prepared himself for a relaxing evening where Ronon would comment on the quality of the fights and explosions, Teyla would ask questions about Earth, and Rodney would bitch about the lack of plot, believable characters, and anything resembling logic. There'd be enough popcorn even for Ronon and Rodney.
The movie started and John's gaze drifted towards his team, Ronon, Teyla, and finally Rodney. And then, as had happened every time since Lorne had flown in with a puddlejumper to pick them up, John's mind turned to what had happened.
Things were a bit hazy. He'd lost quite a bit of blood. But certain things were so sharp in his memory that he couldn't dismiss them even if he had wanted to.
Rodney had become upset-just this side of hysteric-and John had instinctually reached out to comfort him. It had worked.
What was utterly amazing about it, though, and what had only occurred to John later after he'd woken up from surgery was that they'd both acted exactly as John remembered from his time in the machine.
He wasn't too surprised that he'd forgotten himself. It was bound to happen in a situation as stressful as that one. Even in normal situations his mind was still sometimes triggered by the way Rodney looked or acted, and he'd remember.
But it hadn't been just John!
Rodney's worry about him in the situation, the denial that John could die, the refusal to even consider that had been so familiar to John down to parts of what he'd said. But even more amazing than his worry-because Rodney had been worried about him before-was the way he'd reacted to John's touch.
In that moment, John had reached out to comfort Rodney, to ground him, and without thinking Rodney had settled down and let it happen. Just like virtual Rodney had.
John couldn't be sure if Rodney wouldn't have always reacted this way. Since it had never happened before in reality there was no way to tell. But even if this was always the way Rodney would react to John, it only made John wonder what else there was in Rodney that he'd never seen before being stuck in that machine.
Maybe if he asked Rodney out on a date he'd turn him down, but at some point when John's life was in danger again, he'd realize that he'd been wrong and wouldn't reject John a second time. Maybe all of what had happened could happen in reality because the potential that the machine had somehow seen had always been there.
John tried to dismiss this whole train of thoughts. He remembered their strained relationship not too long ago too well to risk it again and this wouldn't just be asking Rodney out after realizing he was in love with him. Rodney would inevitably draw the conclusion that it had something to do with their life in the machine and he wouldn't be wrong. But he might think that John was merely trying to re-create what he'd lost. Which was both true and not true.
He did want to recreate it insofar as he wanted them to be happy together. But he didn't want the exact same life. He wanted a reality with Rodney and he simply hoped that it would be like in the machine. And now he was beginning to believe that it could actually happen.
John realized that his old "I'm not in love with him" mantra had pretty much flown straight out the window, along with the "He's not the guy from TV". Even though Rodney wasn't the same person. They weren't the same in terms of experiences and their relationship with John. But after the last mission John felt that Rodney was that person in every regard that mattered.
Rodney could fall in love with him. It didn't mean that he would, it didn't mean that things would turn out the same for them, but it meant that the story of John and Rodney's relationship wasn't just John's anymore.
He was going to share it with Rodney. Not everything. He still hadn't watched the private recordings himself, and he wouldn't show them to Rodney. But he could tell Rodney what he wanted to hear.
He would tell him how he'd turned down John because he'd thought he was straight, how they'd continued on after that, and how that mission had changed everything. And then he'd tell Rodney about their life together.
John hoped that in the end, Rodney would realize that he didn't just want to hear that story, but that he wanted to live it. With John.