SGA WIP: Our Own Reality. 14/?. John/Rodney.
43,104/50,000. Yes, I revised my outline again and cut even more. The story just hasn't quite progressed the same. This means that we're much closer to the end. (Eight scenes left with the current outline, to be specific.)
In this chapter: We finally find out what really happened on that mission-and you're all likely to hate me at the end of this ;)
This is set at the beginning of season 5. The fic will be John/Rodney, NC-17, and include a warning for ( skip) behavior that is technically sexual harassment (though I hope you'll understand John).
Our Own Reality 14/?
Rodney used the time that the team was grounded to catch up on a few of his projects. The mission reviews and spending time again with John had put him behind a bit. And it meant that he was distracted.
Rodney didn't handle situations like the one on the mission very well. He hated being helpless and surrounded by people who were trying to kill him. Fearing for John's life only added to that.
But when they'd waited, sitting close together .... It had been bearable then.
Rodney was aware that the way John had comforted him-which in itself was kind of absurd, considering the situation-wasn't normal. At least not for them. This wasn't by any stretch of the imagination the only or even the worst experience they'd had of that kind, but John had never touched him like this before, and Rodney didn't know how to deal with that.
The act itself had been the best possible way to handle the situation, but Rodney wondered why it had happened now.
Actually, he didn't wonder because he knew damn well why it had happened now. And that was the problem really. It was obvious to him that John had acted the way he did because of his experiences in the machine. And while this was more than okay with things like specific knowledge about weapons, in their relationship it just rubbed Rodney the wrong way.
It bothered him that it felt as if John hadn't really done it for him. And Rodney realized it was only made worse by the fact that Rodney wanted it to be for him.
He was jealous of his virtual counterpart again, and Rodney tried very hard not to be because it felt wrong and was pointless, and he didn't really want to consider what it meant.
Which was why when John came to visit him in his lab one evening a few days after the mission to tell him that he'd be willing to talk about their relationship now, Rodney wasn't as happy as he would have been just a few days before.
He didn't say no though, curiosity rising in him again.
They were alone in the lab, and John sat down, propping up his leg on a chair.
"Okay. I've thought about this, and since you want to know what it meant to us I think I'll need to give you some context," John began.
Rodney nodded.
"My relationships never went very well. I first ... well, I'm not even sure what you want to call it, but I was sixteen and he was a good friend and you know how it is ...."
Rodney knew what it was like to be sixteen, though he wasn't sure he knew what John was trying to tell him here. He still nodded, because John looked like he had a hard time talking about this as it was. Which wasn't a surprise because this was John Sheppard talking about himself more or less voluntarily.
"It was great for a while, but then it just stopped, and he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. He got himself a girlfriend, and when I tried to ask why we couldn't at least be friends again, he said ... he called me a faggot in front of half the school."
"Fucking asshole," came out of Rodney's mouth. He wasn't actually surprised that these things happened in the US (and who was he kidding, he was pretty damn sure they happened in Canada too even if hopefully not as frequently). But it still made him angry.
John snorted. "Well, yes, he was. Or actually, I don't know, I guess he was just in denial and letting his self-hatred out on me."
"And that somehow makes it okay?" Rodney asked because it really didn't in his book.
"No, I guess not," John said, getting a far-away look.
"What happened? I'm guessing this didn't make you the most popular kid in school. Or actually, were you one of the popular kids in school?" Rodney almost hoped against hope that this would be like an uplifting movie where rumors about the high school football captain made everyone realize the error of their ways or something.
"I was ... you know, actually, I think that's a bit outside of the scope of what I wanted to tell you. And I only told you about this because I want you to understand why I continued the way I did."
Rodney nodded, although he still was kind of curious. Maybe he could ask John another time.
"I got myself a girlfriend too," John said quickly, looking away as if he was ashamed to admit it.
Rodney tried to process it, but it didn't click. "There's not actually anything wrong with dating women," he ventured.
John looked at him. "No, I .... You don't understand. I only did it to prove that I wasn't ... what he called me. Plus my father, well, someone must have told their parents who told my father."
"And he wasn't happy," Rodney guessed. His own relationship with his parents wasn't always the best but he believed they'd been okay with him being gay or bisexual.
"He made very clear what was expected of me. And even when I left and decided I wouldn't let my father rule my life part of it must have stuck here," John said, pointing at this head. "I had sex with guys in college, but I didn't date them. I dated women, and I even married one just because I thought I had to. No, because I tought I wanted to."
"But you didn't," Rodney said.
"Getting a divorce was the best thing I ever did for Nancy. I never should have married her."
"You're gay," Rodney said. He might not be the best person at reading between the lines, but this wasn't so much between the lines are already half on the lines.
John looked at him for a moment. "Yes."
Rodney wasn't sure what to say to that. He'd always though of John as a personification of Kirk, flirting his way through Atlantis and the Galaxy. Although not as much in the last year or so. "And the women that you ...?" Rodney asked, because there was no denying that there had been women.
"I like women and I thought .... I might have known I was gay when I was sixteen but denial can make you blind to a lot of things if you really don't want to see them. I kept telling myself that I just hadn't met the right woman. And I never allowed myself to feel more for a man."
And this was where they came back to their story. "Until you met me," Rodney said. At least he thought that was what John was saying. He kind of hoped it was that. He didn't even know why. He just had the feeling he didn't want to hear about John falling for some other guy.
"Oh, yeah. You swept me right off my feet," John said, smirking.
"Really?" Rodney asked hopefully. He'd never swept anyone off anywhere.
John gave him a look.
"Oh," Rodney said disappointed. "It could have been love at first sight," he added somewhat defensively.
"It wasn't. You were arrogant and prickly and what the others warned me about was mostly true," John continued, sounding amused.
"Well, thanks a lot," Rodney said unhappily, crossing his arms. This wasn't how he'd thought their conversation about their relationship would go.
"But honest," John continued, softer this time. "I liked that a lot."
Rodney was a bit mollified and uncrossed his arms. "And over time ..." he prompted.
"Yeah," John said, pausing for a moment, mind seemingly somewhere far away. "Though I didn't see it," John continued eventually, looking at Rodney. "I never considered a relationship with a guy on Atlantis. But, yes, I think unconsciously I've been falling in love with you ... him long before I noticed."
Him. Rodney couldn't help the stab of jealousy at that. That hadn't been him. Not before John got in the machine. That had been Rodney, at least before John had decided to perform a magic trick of mental tabula rasa and give all of those memories to him as well.
Rodney didn't even think he could protest. He couldn't insist that John had fallen in love with Rodney and not the guy in the machine. It would be weird to want to be loved when you didn't return the feelings. At least not like that. Not quite like that.
"You realized it in the machine?" Rodney asked, both to keep himself from thinking more about this and to clarify that John hadn't been aware of his feelings for Rodney before. He'd been curious about that after all.
"Yes. P5X-685. The mission where you single-handedly climbed the wall and turned to shield on them," John said.
There was a fond admiration in his voice, and Rodney felt jealous again. He wanted to believe that he could be that superhero. And he knew he'd be willing to do anything for his team if there was no other way, but it still felt as if that hadn't been him. Especially now that John told him it had made him fall in love with him.
No. Not fall in love. Realize it, Rodney reminded himself. He'd said he'd fallen for Rodney before. Some part of Rodney was aware that it shouldn't matter so much to him, but he held on to that distinction.
Then it occurred to him that in the timeline of John's year in the machine it was way too early. "You didn't say anything, though," he told John to make sure. "Before we ... kissed, I mean."
"Actually, I did. I asked you out on a date," John said lightly.
"A date?" Rodney asked. So far he'd only imagined John storming in dramatically to free him, kissing Rodney on impulse, and Rodney being unable to resist, having realized he loved John too. This sounded far more mundane.
John laughed. "That's what he said."
"I was surprised?" Rodney asked.
"Yes," John said. "And then ... you turned me down."
Rodney blinked. He tried to get the timeline sorted in his head. He knew that Rodney had returned John's kiss at the three months mark and there'd been flirting starting before that. He didn't really know how the machine had thought Rodney felt before that. But apparently its Rodney hadn't expected John to be interested in him that way either. And it had made Rodney turn him down. "Why?" Rodney asked, just a bit nervous about the answer.
"Because you were straight," John said matter-of-factly.
Well, that answered that question. The machine had gathered its data and thought that Rodney would turn down the offer to go out with John. Because he was straight. It had gotten that right. Except that it didn't really make any sense because he very obviously was not straight. In the machine that was. Where he'd begun a relationship with John only a few weeks later. "Because I was straight?" Rodney eventually managed to ask.
"Yes," John said. "The machine must have known you were ... are."
Rodney appreciate John amending that, but it didn't change what had happened in the machine. "But I changed my mind," Rodney said, almost afraid to hear more.
"Yes. The machine must have concluded that under the right circumstances ..." John trailed of. To Rodney it didn't sound like a statement (even an unfinished one) so much as a question. A question Rodney didn't think he was ready to answer. To himself, much less to John.
"Obviously," Rodney said awkwardly. "It's, uh, getting late. I think we should call it a night." It wasn't really that late, but Rodney couldn't really say, "I think that's as much as I can take for now."
John seemed to sense it anyway. He nodded and said, "Okay."
Rodney watched as he got up, pulling his leg from the chair. He gave John an awkward smile. "I'm just going to finish ...." He gestured at his desk.
John nodded again. "Goodnight, Rodney," he said, looking at him for a moment before turning and leaving.
"Goodnight, John," Rodney whispered once he was gone.
It didn't mean anything Rodney tried to tell himself. The machine couldn't read his mind. It had just made a guess based on what John had experienced. And if it all sounded real, frighteningly real, then that was just coincidence.
Before his mind could delve any further, Rodney decided to work a bit more until he was tired enough too go to bed and fall asleep at once.
~~
John went back to his room. His leg hurt a bit at the end of the day, so he got his laptop and lay on the bed. He should be preparing the next batch of mission reviews, cutting out the bathroom breaks and possibly some of his moments with Rodney.
However, before he even started up his laptop, his mind drifted to his conversation with Rodney.
John knew that Rodney was beginning to have doubts. The complete lack of mocking or even mentioning that the machine had gotten Rodney's sexual orientation wrong was a very telling sign. So was the way Rodney kept saying "I" when referring to virtual Rodney.
Unfortunately, Rodney didn't seem to embrace the idea that maybe he was more like the machine had seen him than he thought.
It wasn't that John had really expected him to just shrug his shoulders and say, "Wow. The machine seems to have gotten a lot of things right, so maybe it got this one too. Why don't we just go out on a date and see what happens?"
But John had hoped he'd be more open to the idea. Instead it felt to John as if he was fighting it. And he knew Rodney could be very stubborn.
Thankfully John was usually very good at getting through his defenses. He thought of their life in the machine and how he'd try to placate a pissed off Rodney. Rodney was so responsive to his touch. John thought about his reaction in the forest on their last mission. Real Rodney reacted the same. And that was why, no matter how stubborn Rodney would turn out to be in this matter, John would keep fighting for their chance to have the life they'd shared in the machine.
He only hoped Rodney would let him.
~~
Rodney managed to keep himself busy the next days. There was work, another team night and more mission reviews, during which Rodney tried very hard to concentrate on things like terrain and Teyla's diplomatic talent and not the way Rodney and John were looking at each other on screen.
It wasn't too overt or anything. They weren't holding hands or gazing into each other's eyes all the time, but every now and then they'd share a look and smile.
It tore at something in Rodney's heart. John hadn't continued with their story. Truth be told, Rodney might have been trying to avoid him since he'd started.
The way that the machine had gotten their lives so right had always been fascinating to Rodney. All the mission reviews he'd watched had been plausible and something that could happen to them pretty much the same way in real life.
Their relationship had been the one big difference.
The machine had gotten so much right, but not that. Except that now Rodney was beginning to question that. If the machine had had Rodney always in love with John, secretly until John made the first move, Rodney could have shrugged it off and said, "Well, close, but still a miss."
Rodney definitely hadn't been in love with John before he'd been stuck in the machine. He'd never even thought about him in that way. And the machine hadn't gotten that wrong.
From what John had told him, Rodney's reaction in the machine when John had asked him out on a date had been the same as his own when he heard about it. This meant that the machine had gotten even that right.
And it made it impossible for Rodney not to wonder, "What if it got the rest right too?"
Rodney had a hard time facing that question. It wasn't even the answer that he was afraid of. If he was honest with himself he could admit that the answer was that the machine could have gotten the rest right too. Rodney could be falling in love with John.
The last weeks he'd spent so much time thinking about them in a romantic context that it was natural to ask why. He could have chalked it up to curiosity but curiosity wouldn't explain why he felt the way he did about everything he'd seen. The looks John and Rodney had shared after the unseen kiss had made Rodney imagine it, repeatedly and great detail. And he'd imagined other things, even though he'd tried not to. Not to mention the mission where John's touch had managed to calm him and made him feel like he never wanted to give up being so close to him.
Rodney might not be ready to say he was in love with John, but it would be willfully blind of him to insist it wasn't possible. It was. There. He'd finally admitted it.
It didn't make him feel better though, because what bothered him wasn't so much the fact that he might be in love with John, but that it took a stupid Ancient machine to bring this out. It just didn't seem right that a machine should know him better than he himself did.
That was why he was feeling conflicted about hearing more. Part of him wanted to hear about how Rodney had changed his mind, and he still didn't know anything about that kiss other than that it had happened. But another part didn't want to hear about a machine telling him what he'd been too blind to see.
In the end Rodney swallowed his pride though. He didn't want to avoid John any longer. He didn't deserve it and Rodney wanted to spend time with him and listen to him talking about something that meant so much to him.
He went to John's office.
"Rodney," John said, smiling when he saw him.
"Do you have time now?" Rodney asked.
"Going over mission rosters, so yeah," John said, happily shoving the laptop aside. "What's up?"
"I was wondering if you'd like to continue telling me about ...." Rodney trailed off, unwilling to put into words at the moment.
John looked at him, then he blinked and quickly said, "Yes, of course."
At least John seemed to be pretty eager about this discussion. And really, it wasn't as if Rodney wasn't still curious. He just a few issues he had to sort through in his head. He sat down in the chair opposite of John.
"I think we were at the part where you turned me down. And actually, I should say that I didn't immediately ask you out when I realized that my feelings were ... what my feelings were," John said.
"You didn't think I'd say yes?" Rodney guessed.
"That was one of the reasons," John said. "There was also Don't Ask, Don't Tell and fraternization rules. I wasn't sure how it would affect our work. And I knew we'd have to hide our relationship, and I felt that even in the unexpected case that you weren't straight, there was so much that could go wrong that I didn't want to risk it."
"You thought I'd react badly?" Rodney was a bit hurt by that.
"No!" John said immediately. "But it would have possibly made things awkward between us. I mean ... I know that you can't compare the situation but the last month wasn't exactly easy."
Rodney only nodded. That was the understatement of the year. And if he really thought about it, they still hadn't regained their footing, ever since that terrible moment when the machine had swallowed John.
"And it was all very new to me. I'd never ..." He looked away, but then turned to look deliberately at Rodney. "I'd never felt that way before."
A shudder went through Rodney. He could see the love in John's eyes in that moment. But in the back of his mind a voice asked if it was really him that he was seeing.
"I think part of me wanted to hold on for that feeling," John continued. "It was okay not to share it. It was okay." He looked at Rodney as if to ask if he made sense.
"It didn't hurt," Rodney said, because that was what he read between the lines. Unrequited love sucked, but falling in love itself could still feel good. His mind flashed to how he imagined Rodney must have felt when John first kissed him.
John frowned, considering his words. "Yes. Yes, maybe that. I can't say how I would have felt after a year or even a few months. When they kidnapped you, I realized that my feelings for you already affected how I reacted when something happened to you on a mission but that I could deal with it. And I knew that there was no good reason not to at least try. We never know when our time is up. There's no point in not trying to make the best of it."
"Very philosophical," Rodney mused. John snorted. But Rodney could see it. And he remembered the recordings of it, how desperate John had seemed to save him, to the point where Rodney had felt uncomfortable about being able to see it.
"That was when I asked you out, and that was when you turned me down," John continued. "And you were great afterwards. When we had our first awkward moment, you just slapped my back and said, 'Don't be shy now. Even though you're very pretty when you're shy.' and then you actually held my chin."
Rodney had to chuckle at that. He remembered that playful flirtyness. John must have cut out that particular moment or it had happened outside of missions, but that vibe had definitely been there then. He also remembered how jealous he'd been when he'd first noticed it in the mission reviews. When he looked at it now, he could only feel respect for virtual Rodney for being able to handle it so without fuss and for trying to make it easy for John.
"You were a pain in the ass that first mission, but it really helped," John went on. "I felt that things would be okay between us. And that was-and is-what's most important to me."
Rodney nodded. Whatever else happened they could agree on that. "So we were just friends until the mission on P3X-989?"
John nodded in confirmation.
That's what Rodney had thought. So his idea of a dramatic kiss in a life or death situation hadn't been wrong. He was pleased about that. And curious. He'd only been able to see the moment where John took a breath and prepared himself to face Rodney. Now he'd finally hear about what had happened on the other side. "So you found me alive and you couldn't hold back. You just had to kiss me. And I was okay with it," he explained his own vision, hoping to hear it finally confirmed.
But John's answer was, "No."
"Oh." Rodney didn't hide his disappointment. "I wasn't okay with it? At first?" he ventured. Because he could see that. Being too shocked at first and pushing John away.
"Well, no, you were, right off the bat. But I didn't kiss you," John said.
Now Rodney was confused. "But you said it was our first kiss."
John didn't say anything. He just looked Rodney as if he was waiting for-
"I kissed you?!" Rodney screeched. In all his fantasies of the kiss it had always been John who'd initiated it. Rodney tried to go back to what he remembered of the recordings. It had been about John, of course, his disbelief and determination and relief. But he'd gotten glimpses of Teyla's and Ronon's reaction. They'd told everyone the others were dead. Could Rodney in that situation have realized that he wasn't straight after all?
"You don't believe me," John said.
"No, I just ... I always imagined it was you."
John gave him a long look. "I could show you," he said eventually.
Another shudder went through Rodney. Maybe it was just his imagination, but John's voice had sounded deeper, sexier somehow when he'd offered it. Offered .... Finally Rodney realized what John had just offered. "Yes!" he said quickly before John could change his mind again.
John's mouth quirked up into a fond half-smile. Then he got up from his chair. "Then let's go."
~~
John's decision to share the tape with Rodney had been spur of the moment. When he'd seen Rodney's disbelief, he'd wished he could show him, and then he'd realized that he actually could.
He needed Rodney to see and believe. He could feel that Rodney wasn't completely closed off to the idea. He'd sounded so disappointed when John had told him that his vision-and Rodney must have thought quite a bit about this-was wrong.
Now John wanted to see his reaction to the real thing.
They went to John's room, and John connected the hard drive with the recordings while Rodney stood fidgeting as if he was barely able to contain his anticipation. It was kind of adorable to watch. And it made John hopeful.
He found the recording of the mission and fast-forwarded to the moment where John went to free Rodney.
Rodney stood in front of the desk, next to where John was sitting, and looked intently at the screen.
John hit play, and on screen John ran to the door, before taking a moment before he could face the situation. Instead of recalling what it had felt like John turned to Rodney. He knew what was going to happening even without watching.
John had entered the cell and sighed in relief, when he'd found Rodney alive and well, standing at the wall near his cot. Rodney, however, hadn't been relieved. He'd been shocked. He'd stared at John as if he had risen from the dead, which, of course, had been what had happened-from his perspective at least.
John watched Rodney watch the scene on the laptop monitor. He looked almost as stunned as the Rodney on screen.
John had walked up to him, a smile on his lips, ready to say, "Yes, I'm alive," and then maybe to tease Rodney how he would have missed John, but when he'd been close enough to put a hand on Rodney's arm, Rodney had simply put his hand on his face and roughly pulled him into a kiss.
Rodney gasped as he saw it. His eyes were glued to the screen as John froze and then finally reacted. John remembered the moment when he'd realized that Rodney had changed his mind. The kiss had been desperate, passionate, and it had felt like it lasted forever.
Eventually they'd pulled apart enough for Rodney to say, "I thought you were- I thought I'd never get to tell you that-" Then he'd kissed John again.
Rodney's eyes glazed over as he watched. John smiled. Rodney couldn't possibly still think he wasn't interested in John after that.
Their second kiss hadn't lasted as long because John had pulled away. "We need to get out of here," he'd said regretfully.
"Yes," Rodney had agreed. "But tonight ..."
"Are you asking me out on a date," John had asked teasingly. Happily.
"No," Rodney had said, waiting for a second to see John pout. "But if you ask me again, I won't say no."
"We really have to ..."
"Yes," Rodney had said and pulled him into another quick kiss. Then he'd squeezed John's hand and they'd been off-and the recording resumed at the point where John had ended his cut.
Rodney looked dazed. John wasn't sure if he was even aware that he wasn't alone. "Rodney?" he asked carefully.
Rodney turned to him and blinked as if he had to come back to the present. He stared at John.
John didn't think he was able to talk any more today. "Do you want a copy?" he asked, sure that Rodney would have to think after this and wanting to help him come to the only conclusion John could and wanted to see.
Rodney still only stared at him, before finally saying. "Yes."
"Okay," John said giving him a smile. "I'll upload a copy to your account." He went to do it at once, not sure if he wouldn't have to walk Rodney to his room, out of it as he seemed to be. But as he selected the file and uploaded it with the proper authorization, Rodney seemed to snap out of it.
"Okay, thank you," he said quickly, and when John turned around, he was already at the door and then disappeared through it.
John could only smile to himself.
~~
Rodney practically ran to his room, shushing a marine on the way, who thought something really bad must be happening.
Then he was there, starting up his laptop and looking for the file. He pressed play with a slightly shaking hand, and then he could see it again.
That first look had been enough to tell Rodney everything he needed to know about how Rodney felt in that moment. He'd thought John was dead. He'd thought he'd lost him, and he'd realized that he loved him but that it was too late.
Rodney thought of their last mission, of how unable he'd been to face even the possibility of John's death.
On screen Rodney pulled John into a rough, desperate kiss, and Rodney could only think, "Yes, thank god, it's not too late." He could feel the desperate need that made the Rodney on screen hold onto John and then run his hands along his body as if he needed to make sure that he was really there and alive.
And then came Rodney's words, unfinished but still loud and clear in what he wanted to say. Rodney was right there with him. He wanted to kiss John again too when Rodney did it on screen.
Except that he had never kissed him in the first place. Well, he had, twice, reluctantly, pretending. He wouldn't be pretending now.
On screen John and Rodney prepared to leave, and Rodney rewound the recording and started it again.
He could feel everything that Rodney on screen felt. He loved John. He wanted to be with John. He wanted the life in the machine.
Rodney stopped the recording mid-kiss and sat heavily on the bed. He wanted the life in the machine. Only he didn't. He wanted reality. He wanted to know that when John looked at him he saw Rodney, not a virtual representation, no matter how accurate it was.
And now he looked at the screen and knew that he wanted to kiss John, but that he couldn't say for sure if those feelings were even really his.
Rodney had never hated the Ancient training machine more in his life.
In this chapter: We finally find out what really happened on that mission-and you're all likely to hate me at the end of this ;)
This is set at the beginning of season 5. The fic will be John/Rodney, NC-17, and include a warning for ( skip) behavior that is technically sexual harassment (though I hope you'll understand John).
Our Own Reality 14/?
Rodney used the time that the team was grounded to catch up on a few of his projects. The mission reviews and spending time again with John had put him behind a bit. And it meant that he was distracted.
Rodney didn't handle situations like the one on the mission very well. He hated being helpless and surrounded by people who were trying to kill him. Fearing for John's life only added to that.
But when they'd waited, sitting close together .... It had been bearable then.
Rodney was aware that the way John had comforted him-which in itself was kind of absurd, considering the situation-wasn't normal. At least not for them. This wasn't by any stretch of the imagination the only or even the worst experience they'd had of that kind, but John had never touched him like this before, and Rodney didn't know how to deal with that.
The act itself had been the best possible way to handle the situation, but Rodney wondered why it had happened now.
Actually, he didn't wonder because he knew damn well why it had happened now. And that was the problem really. It was obvious to him that John had acted the way he did because of his experiences in the machine. And while this was more than okay with things like specific knowledge about weapons, in their relationship it just rubbed Rodney the wrong way.
It bothered him that it felt as if John hadn't really done it for him. And Rodney realized it was only made worse by the fact that Rodney wanted it to be for him.
He was jealous of his virtual counterpart again, and Rodney tried very hard not to be because it felt wrong and was pointless, and he didn't really want to consider what it meant.
Which was why when John came to visit him in his lab one evening a few days after the mission to tell him that he'd be willing to talk about their relationship now, Rodney wasn't as happy as he would have been just a few days before.
He didn't say no though, curiosity rising in him again.
They were alone in the lab, and John sat down, propping up his leg on a chair.
"Okay. I've thought about this, and since you want to know what it meant to us I think I'll need to give you some context," John began.
Rodney nodded.
"My relationships never went very well. I first ... well, I'm not even sure what you want to call it, but I was sixteen and he was a good friend and you know how it is ...."
Rodney knew what it was like to be sixteen, though he wasn't sure he knew what John was trying to tell him here. He still nodded, because John looked like he had a hard time talking about this as it was. Which wasn't a surprise because this was John Sheppard talking about himself more or less voluntarily.
"It was great for a while, but then it just stopped, and he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. He got himself a girlfriend, and when I tried to ask why we couldn't at least be friends again, he said ... he called me a faggot in front of half the school."
"Fucking asshole," came out of Rodney's mouth. He wasn't actually surprised that these things happened in the US (and who was he kidding, he was pretty damn sure they happened in Canada too even if hopefully not as frequently). But it still made him angry.
John snorted. "Well, yes, he was. Or actually, I don't know, I guess he was just in denial and letting his self-hatred out on me."
"And that somehow makes it okay?" Rodney asked because it really didn't in his book.
"No, I guess not," John said, getting a far-away look.
"What happened? I'm guessing this didn't make you the most popular kid in school. Or actually, were you one of the popular kids in school?" Rodney almost hoped against hope that this would be like an uplifting movie where rumors about the high school football captain made everyone realize the error of their ways or something.
"I was ... you know, actually, I think that's a bit outside of the scope of what I wanted to tell you. And I only told you about this because I want you to understand why I continued the way I did."
Rodney nodded, although he still was kind of curious. Maybe he could ask John another time.
"I got myself a girlfriend too," John said quickly, looking away as if he was ashamed to admit it.
Rodney tried to process it, but it didn't click. "There's not actually anything wrong with dating women," he ventured.
John looked at him. "No, I .... You don't understand. I only did it to prove that I wasn't ... what he called me. Plus my father, well, someone must have told their parents who told my father."
"And he wasn't happy," Rodney guessed. His own relationship with his parents wasn't always the best but he believed they'd been okay with him being gay or bisexual.
"He made very clear what was expected of me. And even when I left and decided I wouldn't let my father rule my life part of it must have stuck here," John said, pointing at this head. "I had sex with guys in college, but I didn't date them. I dated women, and I even married one just because I thought I had to. No, because I tought I wanted to."
"But you didn't," Rodney said.
"Getting a divorce was the best thing I ever did for Nancy. I never should have married her."
"You're gay," Rodney said. He might not be the best person at reading between the lines, but this wasn't so much between the lines are already half on the lines.
John looked at him for a moment. "Yes."
Rodney wasn't sure what to say to that. He'd always though of John as a personification of Kirk, flirting his way through Atlantis and the Galaxy. Although not as much in the last year or so. "And the women that you ...?" Rodney asked, because there was no denying that there had been women.
"I like women and I thought .... I might have known I was gay when I was sixteen but denial can make you blind to a lot of things if you really don't want to see them. I kept telling myself that I just hadn't met the right woman. And I never allowed myself to feel more for a man."
And this was where they came back to their story. "Until you met me," Rodney said. At least he thought that was what John was saying. He kind of hoped it was that. He didn't even know why. He just had the feeling he didn't want to hear about John falling for some other guy.
"Oh, yeah. You swept me right off my feet," John said, smirking.
"Really?" Rodney asked hopefully. He'd never swept anyone off anywhere.
John gave him a look.
"Oh," Rodney said disappointed. "It could have been love at first sight," he added somewhat defensively.
"It wasn't. You were arrogant and prickly and what the others warned me about was mostly true," John continued, sounding amused.
"Well, thanks a lot," Rodney said unhappily, crossing his arms. This wasn't how he'd thought their conversation about their relationship would go.
"But honest," John continued, softer this time. "I liked that a lot."
Rodney was a bit mollified and uncrossed his arms. "And over time ..." he prompted.
"Yeah," John said, pausing for a moment, mind seemingly somewhere far away. "Though I didn't see it," John continued eventually, looking at Rodney. "I never considered a relationship with a guy on Atlantis. But, yes, I think unconsciously I've been falling in love with you ... him long before I noticed."
Him. Rodney couldn't help the stab of jealousy at that. That hadn't been him. Not before John got in the machine. That had been Rodney, at least before John had decided to perform a magic trick of mental tabula rasa and give all of those memories to him as well.
Rodney didn't even think he could protest. He couldn't insist that John had fallen in love with Rodney and not the guy in the machine. It would be weird to want to be loved when you didn't return the feelings. At least not like that. Not quite like that.
"You realized it in the machine?" Rodney asked, both to keep himself from thinking more about this and to clarify that John hadn't been aware of his feelings for Rodney before. He'd been curious about that after all.
"Yes. P5X-685. The mission where you single-handedly climbed the wall and turned to shield on them," John said.
There was a fond admiration in his voice, and Rodney felt jealous again. He wanted to believe that he could be that superhero. And he knew he'd be willing to do anything for his team if there was no other way, but it still felt as if that hadn't been him. Especially now that John told him it had made him fall in love with him.
No. Not fall in love. Realize it, Rodney reminded himself. He'd said he'd fallen for Rodney before. Some part of Rodney was aware that it shouldn't matter so much to him, but he held on to that distinction.
Then it occurred to him that in the timeline of John's year in the machine it was way too early. "You didn't say anything, though," he told John to make sure. "Before we ... kissed, I mean."
"Actually, I did. I asked you out on a date," John said lightly.
"A date?" Rodney asked. So far he'd only imagined John storming in dramatically to free him, kissing Rodney on impulse, and Rodney being unable to resist, having realized he loved John too. This sounded far more mundane.
John laughed. "That's what he said."
"I was surprised?" Rodney asked.
"Yes," John said. "And then ... you turned me down."
Rodney blinked. He tried to get the timeline sorted in his head. He knew that Rodney had returned John's kiss at the three months mark and there'd been flirting starting before that. He didn't really know how the machine had thought Rodney felt before that. But apparently its Rodney hadn't expected John to be interested in him that way either. And it had made Rodney turn him down. "Why?" Rodney asked, just a bit nervous about the answer.
"Because you were straight," John said matter-of-factly.
Well, that answered that question. The machine had gathered its data and thought that Rodney would turn down the offer to go out with John. Because he was straight. It had gotten that right. Except that it didn't really make any sense because he very obviously was not straight. In the machine that was. Where he'd begun a relationship with John only a few weeks later. "Because I was straight?" Rodney eventually managed to ask.
"Yes," John said. "The machine must have known you were ... are."
Rodney appreciate John amending that, but it didn't change what had happened in the machine. "But I changed my mind," Rodney said, almost afraid to hear more.
"Yes. The machine must have concluded that under the right circumstances ..." John trailed of. To Rodney it didn't sound like a statement (even an unfinished one) so much as a question. A question Rodney didn't think he was ready to answer. To himself, much less to John.
"Obviously," Rodney said awkwardly. "It's, uh, getting late. I think we should call it a night." It wasn't really that late, but Rodney couldn't really say, "I think that's as much as I can take for now."
John seemed to sense it anyway. He nodded and said, "Okay."
Rodney watched as he got up, pulling his leg from the chair. He gave John an awkward smile. "I'm just going to finish ...." He gestured at his desk.
John nodded again. "Goodnight, Rodney," he said, looking at him for a moment before turning and leaving.
"Goodnight, John," Rodney whispered once he was gone.
It didn't mean anything Rodney tried to tell himself. The machine couldn't read his mind. It had just made a guess based on what John had experienced. And if it all sounded real, frighteningly real, then that was just coincidence.
Before his mind could delve any further, Rodney decided to work a bit more until he was tired enough too go to bed and fall asleep at once.
~~
John went back to his room. His leg hurt a bit at the end of the day, so he got his laptop and lay on the bed. He should be preparing the next batch of mission reviews, cutting out the bathroom breaks and possibly some of his moments with Rodney.
However, before he even started up his laptop, his mind drifted to his conversation with Rodney.
John knew that Rodney was beginning to have doubts. The complete lack of mocking or even mentioning that the machine had gotten Rodney's sexual orientation wrong was a very telling sign. So was the way Rodney kept saying "I" when referring to virtual Rodney.
Unfortunately, Rodney didn't seem to embrace the idea that maybe he was more like the machine had seen him than he thought.
It wasn't that John had really expected him to just shrug his shoulders and say, "Wow. The machine seems to have gotten a lot of things right, so maybe it got this one too. Why don't we just go out on a date and see what happens?"
But John had hoped he'd be more open to the idea. Instead it felt to John as if he was fighting it. And he knew Rodney could be very stubborn.
Thankfully John was usually very good at getting through his defenses. He thought of their life in the machine and how he'd try to placate a pissed off Rodney. Rodney was so responsive to his touch. John thought about his reaction in the forest on their last mission. Real Rodney reacted the same. And that was why, no matter how stubborn Rodney would turn out to be in this matter, John would keep fighting for their chance to have the life they'd shared in the machine.
He only hoped Rodney would let him.
~~
Rodney managed to keep himself busy the next days. There was work, another team night and more mission reviews, during which Rodney tried very hard to concentrate on things like terrain and Teyla's diplomatic talent and not the way Rodney and John were looking at each other on screen.
It wasn't too overt or anything. They weren't holding hands or gazing into each other's eyes all the time, but every now and then they'd share a look and smile.
It tore at something in Rodney's heart. John hadn't continued with their story. Truth be told, Rodney might have been trying to avoid him since he'd started.
The way that the machine had gotten their lives so right had always been fascinating to Rodney. All the mission reviews he'd watched had been plausible and something that could happen to them pretty much the same way in real life.
Their relationship had been the one big difference.
The machine had gotten so much right, but not that. Except that now Rodney was beginning to question that. If the machine had had Rodney always in love with John, secretly until John made the first move, Rodney could have shrugged it off and said, "Well, close, but still a miss."
Rodney definitely hadn't been in love with John before he'd been stuck in the machine. He'd never even thought about him in that way. And the machine hadn't gotten that wrong.
From what John had told him, Rodney's reaction in the machine when John had asked him out on a date had been the same as his own when he heard about it. This meant that the machine had gotten even that right.
And it made it impossible for Rodney not to wonder, "What if it got the rest right too?"
Rodney had a hard time facing that question. It wasn't even the answer that he was afraid of. If he was honest with himself he could admit that the answer was that the machine could have gotten the rest right too. Rodney could be falling in love with John.
The last weeks he'd spent so much time thinking about them in a romantic context that it was natural to ask why. He could have chalked it up to curiosity but curiosity wouldn't explain why he felt the way he did about everything he'd seen. The looks John and Rodney had shared after the unseen kiss had made Rodney imagine it, repeatedly and great detail. And he'd imagined other things, even though he'd tried not to. Not to mention the mission where John's touch had managed to calm him and made him feel like he never wanted to give up being so close to him.
Rodney might not be ready to say he was in love with John, but it would be willfully blind of him to insist it wasn't possible. It was. There. He'd finally admitted it.
It didn't make him feel better though, because what bothered him wasn't so much the fact that he might be in love with John, but that it took a stupid Ancient machine to bring this out. It just didn't seem right that a machine should know him better than he himself did.
That was why he was feeling conflicted about hearing more. Part of him wanted to hear about how Rodney had changed his mind, and he still didn't know anything about that kiss other than that it had happened. But another part didn't want to hear about a machine telling him what he'd been too blind to see.
In the end Rodney swallowed his pride though. He didn't want to avoid John any longer. He didn't deserve it and Rodney wanted to spend time with him and listen to him talking about something that meant so much to him.
He went to John's office.
"Rodney," John said, smiling when he saw him.
"Do you have time now?" Rodney asked.
"Going over mission rosters, so yeah," John said, happily shoving the laptop aside. "What's up?"
"I was wondering if you'd like to continue telling me about ...." Rodney trailed off, unwilling to put into words at the moment.
John looked at him, then he blinked and quickly said, "Yes, of course."
At least John seemed to be pretty eager about this discussion. And really, it wasn't as if Rodney wasn't still curious. He just a few issues he had to sort through in his head. He sat down in the chair opposite of John.
"I think we were at the part where you turned me down. And actually, I should say that I didn't immediately ask you out when I realized that my feelings were ... what my feelings were," John said.
"You didn't think I'd say yes?" Rodney guessed.
"That was one of the reasons," John said. "There was also Don't Ask, Don't Tell and fraternization rules. I wasn't sure how it would affect our work. And I knew we'd have to hide our relationship, and I felt that even in the unexpected case that you weren't straight, there was so much that could go wrong that I didn't want to risk it."
"You thought I'd react badly?" Rodney was a bit hurt by that.
"No!" John said immediately. "But it would have possibly made things awkward between us. I mean ... I know that you can't compare the situation but the last month wasn't exactly easy."
Rodney only nodded. That was the understatement of the year. And if he really thought about it, they still hadn't regained their footing, ever since that terrible moment when the machine had swallowed John.
"And it was all very new to me. I'd never ..." He looked away, but then turned to look deliberately at Rodney. "I'd never felt that way before."
A shudder went through Rodney. He could see the love in John's eyes in that moment. But in the back of his mind a voice asked if it was really him that he was seeing.
"I think part of me wanted to hold on for that feeling," John continued. "It was okay not to share it. It was okay." He looked at Rodney as if to ask if he made sense.
"It didn't hurt," Rodney said, because that was what he read between the lines. Unrequited love sucked, but falling in love itself could still feel good. His mind flashed to how he imagined Rodney must have felt when John first kissed him.
John frowned, considering his words. "Yes. Yes, maybe that. I can't say how I would have felt after a year or even a few months. When they kidnapped you, I realized that my feelings for you already affected how I reacted when something happened to you on a mission but that I could deal with it. And I knew that there was no good reason not to at least try. We never know when our time is up. There's no point in not trying to make the best of it."
"Very philosophical," Rodney mused. John snorted. But Rodney could see it. And he remembered the recordings of it, how desperate John had seemed to save him, to the point where Rodney had felt uncomfortable about being able to see it.
"That was when I asked you out, and that was when you turned me down," John continued. "And you were great afterwards. When we had our first awkward moment, you just slapped my back and said, 'Don't be shy now. Even though you're very pretty when you're shy.' and then you actually held my chin."
Rodney had to chuckle at that. He remembered that playful flirtyness. John must have cut out that particular moment or it had happened outside of missions, but that vibe had definitely been there then. He also remembered how jealous he'd been when he'd first noticed it in the mission reviews. When he looked at it now, he could only feel respect for virtual Rodney for being able to handle it so without fuss and for trying to make it easy for John.
"You were a pain in the ass that first mission, but it really helped," John went on. "I felt that things would be okay between us. And that was-and is-what's most important to me."
Rodney nodded. Whatever else happened they could agree on that. "So we were just friends until the mission on P3X-989?"
John nodded in confirmation.
That's what Rodney had thought. So his idea of a dramatic kiss in a life or death situation hadn't been wrong. He was pleased about that. And curious. He'd only been able to see the moment where John took a breath and prepared himself to face Rodney. Now he'd finally hear about what had happened on the other side. "So you found me alive and you couldn't hold back. You just had to kiss me. And I was okay with it," he explained his own vision, hoping to hear it finally confirmed.
But John's answer was, "No."
"Oh." Rodney didn't hide his disappointment. "I wasn't okay with it? At first?" he ventured. Because he could see that. Being too shocked at first and pushing John away.
"Well, no, you were, right off the bat. But I didn't kiss you," John said.
Now Rodney was confused. "But you said it was our first kiss."
John didn't say anything. He just looked Rodney as if he was waiting for-
"I kissed you?!" Rodney screeched. In all his fantasies of the kiss it had always been John who'd initiated it. Rodney tried to go back to what he remembered of the recordings. It had been about John, of course, his disbelief and determination and relief. But he'd gotten glimpses of Teyla's and Ronon's reaction. They'd told everyone the others were dead. Could Rodney in that situation have realized that he wasn't straight after all?
"You don't believe me," John said.
"No, I just ... I always imagined it was you."
John gave him a long look. "I could show you," he said eventually.
Another shudder went through Rodney. Maybe it was just his imagination, but John's voice had sounded deeper, sexier somehow when he'd offered it. Offered .... Finally Rodney realized what John had just offered. "Yes!" he said quickly before John could change his mind again.
John's mouth quirked up into a fond half-smile. Then he got up from his chair. "Then let's go."
~~
John's decision to share the tape with Rodney had been spur of the moment. When he'd seen Rodney's disbelief, he'd wished he could show him, and then he'd realized that he actually could.
He needed Rodney to see and believe. He could feel that Rodney wasn't completely closed off to the idea. He'd sounded so disappointed when John had told him that his vision-and Rodney must have thought quite a bit about this-was wrong.
Now John wanted to see his reaction to the real thing.
They went to John's room, and John connected the hard drive with the recordings while Rodney stood fidgeting as if he was barely able to contain his anticipation. It was kind of adorable to watch. And it made John hopeful.
He found the recording of the mission and fast-forwarded to the moment where John went to free Rodney.
Rodney stood in front of the desk, next to where John was sitting, and looked intently at the screen.
John hit play, and on screen John ran to the door, before taking a moment before he could face the situation. Instead of recalling what it had felt like John turned to Rodney. He knew what was going to happening even without watching.
John had entered the cell and sighed in relief, when he'd found Rodney alive and well, standing at the wall near his cot. Rodney, however, hadn't been relieved. He'd been shocked. He'd stared at John as if he had risen from the dead, which, of course, had been what had happened-from his perspective at least.
John watched Rodney watch the scene on the laptop monitor. He looked almost as stunned as the Rodney on screen.
John had walked up to him, a smile on his lips, ready to say, "Yes, I'm alive," and then maybe to tease Rodney how he would have missed John, but when he'd been close enough to put a hand on Rodney's arm, Rodney had simply put his hand on his face and roughly pulled him into a kiss.
Rodney gasped as he saw it. His eyes were glued to the screen as John froze and then finally reacted. John remembered the moment when he'd realized that Rodney had changed his mind. The kiss had been desperate, passionate, and it had felt like it lasted forever.
Eventually they'd pulled apart enough for Rodney to say, "I thought you were- I thought I'd never get to tell you that-" Then he'd kissed John again.
Rodney's eyes glazed over as he watched. John smiled. Rodney couldn't possibly still think he wasn't interested in John after that.
Their second kiss hadn't lasted as long because John had pulled away. "We need to get out of here," he'd said regretfully.
"Yes," Rodney had agreed. "But tonight ..."
"Are you asking me out on a date," John had asked teasingly. Happily.
"No," Rodney had said, waiting for a second to see John pout. "But if you ask me again, I won't say no."
"We really have to ..."
"Yes," Rodney had said and pulled him into another quick kiss. Then he'd squeezed John's hand and they'd been off-and the recording resumed at the point where John had ended his cut.
Rodney looked dazed. John wasn't sure if he was even aware that he wasn't alone. "Rodney?" he asked carefully.
Rodney turned to him and blinked as if he had to come back to the present. He stared at John.
John didn't think he was able to talk any more today. "Do you want a copy?" he asked, sure that Rodney would have to think after this and wanting to help him come to the only conclusion John could and wanted to see.
Rodney still only stared at him, before finally saying. "Yes."
"Okay," John said giving him a smile. "I'll upload a copy to your account." He went to do it at once, not sure if he wouldn't have to walk Rodney to his room, out of it as he seemed to be. But as he selected the file and uploaded it with the proper authorization, Rodney seemed to snap out of it.
"Okay, thank you," he said quickly, and when John turned around, he was already at the door and then disappeared through it.
John could only smile to himself.
~~
Rodney practically ran to his room, shushing a marine on the way, who thought something really bad must be happening.
Then he was there, starting up his laptop and looking for the file. He pressed play with a slightly shaking hand, and then he could see it again.
That first look had been enough to tell Rodney everything he needed to know about how Rodney felt in that moment. He'd thought John was dead. He'd thought he'd lost him, and he'd realized that he loved him but that it was too late.
Rodney thought of their last mission, of how unable he'd been to face even the possibility of John's death.
On screen Rodney pulled John into a rough, desperate kiss, and Rodney could only think, "Yes, thank god, it's not too late." He could feel the desperate need that made the Rodney on screen hold onto John and then run his hands along his body as if he needed to make sure that he was really there and alive.
And then came Rodney's words, unfinished but still loud and clear in what he wanted to say. Rodney was right there with him. He wanted to kiss John again too when Rodney did it on screen.
Except that he had never kissed him in the first place. Well, he had, twice, reluctantly, pretending. He wouldn't be pretending now.
On screen John and Rodney prepared to leave, and Rodney rewound the recording and started it again.
He could feel everything that Rodney on screen felt. He loved John. He wanted to be with John. He wanted the life in the machine.
Rodney stopped the recording mid-kiss and sat heavily on the bed. He wanted the life in the machine. Only he didn't. He wanted reality. He wanted to know that when John looked at him he saw Rodney, not a virtual representation, no matter how accurate it was.
And now he looked at the screen and knew that he wanted to kiss John, but that he couldn't say for sure if those feelings were even really his.
Rodney had never hated the Ancient training machine more in his life.