Am I just crazy? Don't answer that.
Am I just driving myself crazy with the experiences of the past? I'm so concerned about what she might be doing. Who she might be talking to. Today we spent some time together and eventually she had to take care of something for work on her phone. And she never tried to move away from me but, while he phone was open I couldn't stop looking at it. Trying to see anything I could. I'm so used to people doing things behind my back, especially the stuff I've asked them not to, that I don't know how to deal with the fact that I do trust her. I don't have a single thought that she WOULD hurt me that way. But could she? If things went on long enough and she got fed up with waiting, but still didn't want to lose me, could she do something behind my back? I really don't think so. She would have plenty of opportunity. But I don't think she has it in her to do something like to me. I just don't want to be this person anymore. To have this monster inside me that has such a hard time trusting people. She doesn't deserve that. She's never given me a reason not to trust her. She kept something pretty huge from me but, to my knowledge that's the only thing. And she's never betrayed my feelings towards having another person around. Again, to my knowledge. I believe her when she tell's me that. I just have a hard time processing what's real and what's being made up inside my mind. This ridiculous place where every little thing becomes a huge issue. Like, example, she was texting Chris. And I noticed she never really backed out of his messages but, she had 5 unread texts in her phone. But she never backed out. She doesn't clear any notifications off of her phone. So she probably knows they are bullshit texts like automated shit. v.v Like I said. I don't want to be this person anymore. And I don't really know how to fix it. How to get over these things that have happened to me in the past. I wonder if there is some kind of help I could get. I want to be the best I can for her. And I know this isn't the best I can be. :/