Hmmmmmm
The more I learn about Polyamory the more interesting the idea becomes. I can understand the premise of it of course. It's not really hard to wrap your head around. The actual execution? That's where I think I'm falling a little short. I think at the current moment, in the situation that I'm in, the scales are a little unbalanced for their to be a third person in her life. I mean, things are going to change as time goes on. We're going to spend more time together now. We're going to be a little more active in each other's lives. Kinda how we should have been to begin with but, I feel like I was still holding back. Or pulling way back before launching forward? I'm not sure. I'm a pretty guarded person. With decent reasons for it. But things are going to be better than before from my end. And who knows? But, regardless of that I would still be the other guy outside of her marriage. I wouldn't have a stable main relationship of my own before she ended up bringing someone else into her life. I think that may be where some of my problems are. I don't get a whole lot of time with her as is. And when we do it's pretty restricted by her husband. I mean, obviously. And there's her job and my job. Which makes things kind of a strain when we want to spend more time together than just a morning or evening together. Hmmmmmm.
I think there's going to be some things I'm gonna need before this can happen for me. I need to be on my own. Work on myself a little bit so I'm not so scarred. Work out some of my jealously issues. Work out some of my insecurities. I have a load of them honestly. Stemming of course from the lack of faithfulness that surrounds my life. That's made me feel replaceable and like I'm never enough for someone. I know that this isn't the same kind of situation. It's not that I'm not enough. But I still get that same feeling in my chest like I'm smothering. :/ And I think I would need someone to spend time with as well. Right now we see each other, probably gonna end up anyways, 3 - 4 times a week? One of those maybe being Saturday night. On the rare occasion we get to spend the weekend together somewhere in the mountains. Which is going to be more possible now I think. I just know I probably won't be able to handle sitting somewhere alone, wishing she was there, while she is with someone else. Ya know what I mean? The loneliness that pervades my life would be much worse on those nights knowing that someone is enjoying everything I love while I can't. I was reading an article earlier that got me thinking about some of the things I had going through my head. Would it be right to make hard set rules? Like, limiting how much time she can spend with person? Even how much they can have sex? Doesn't really feel like it would be right. Though there seems to be some agreement that when in this situation that is something that has to be discussed. Even if it's not liked by some of the parties involved. Chris is her husband. And I'm her boyfriend. Long standing at that. I would hope that, from what I've read, that I would garner that respect in that regard. That if that was my wishes it would be honored. Who knows really. When it comes down to it we aren't close to having that discussion. I need to be on my own first and foremost. Then I can work on everything else as I go. She told me she was willing to fight for us for a long time. I hope that's true. I really do. This may take me some time. I don't want to be making these steps forward for her to lose her patience with me and it ends anyway. At least I would be making improvements on myself either way. I think I need to look at it that way. I need to be doing this stuff for myself right now. Doing these things to improve myself is only going to bleed into our relationship and improve it as well. Yeah. I think that's the right way to look at it. *nods* I know it's going to be a long and difficult road ahead. But no matter what obstacles may come along they'll be molehills, not mountains, as long as she's holding my hand.
*Special note* If you end up digging this up, or I point you towards it, I love you. You're the single greatest thing that's ever happened to me. And I'm going to do everything I can to give you the life you want. No matter what. Oh hey.
*Papa Roach - No Matter What ^_^ <3