Goodbye
Today I talked to a little birdie, that told me about my faults in my relationship with my boyfriend. He told me to accept the fact that he's dying and leaving me, and that I give false hope. I'm making him fight too hard and causing him pain. He should be leaving this world in peace, not in pain fighting for me. The birdie called me a princess, for being delicate and being protected by my hyung and my love. Deep down I always knew I wasn't doing my job as a girlfriend right. Everyone around me told me to keep fighting, keep trying, keep praying, keep hoping, one day he'll be ok.
And then the birdie comes, I admit one he said hurt. I don't want to say goodbye to someone that doesn't just own my heart, but my world and everything there is in life. He's not only someone I love, he's my best friend, he's my family. I depended on him for everything in life. He saved me from so many things. Fixed my world when there was nothing left of it. Showed me what love was when I gave up on it. He held me when I needed someone to cling to, he took my hand when I need someone to pull me up. And it hurts, it hurts to know that person that did all that for me is leaving me soon.
I guess that's the reason why I kept having these false hope in my head. I hate myself for causing him pain. I hate the fact that I'm not a reason for his smiles instead a reason for his pain. And I blame myself for all this. So I listened to him and said my goodbye to the person that means everything to me. I told him I'll always look at the sky holding kitty reminiscing all the bad and good time we had together. I told him to stop fighting when he's tired and just go. It hurts so much that I did that. But I had to do it. I have to let him go, let him in peace.
Still now I'm just a crybaby, all I can do is cry. I can't give him a part of my life so he can stay alive with me. I can't keep asking him to stay here. It's too selfish of me to do that so I have to let him go. So I told him, everything in my heart. I told him even when he's gone, I'll read his livejournal his tumblr over and over again. Read our conversations on all the accounts we had multiple times. I'll remember his kisses, his laughter, his raspberry blowing and his whimpers, all that I've heard before and have deeply etched into my heart and soul. I'll cherish everything he gave me. Bring kitty everywhere I go, hug him tight on nights I have to sleep without him, and look at the sky with him, saying hi to our other halves that's looking down on us. I promised to learn how to use the hot water bottle so I can cuddle it when stomach gets upset and when I'm sick like I always am. I promised to read all the letters he send me over countless time and treasure the family portrait that he drew and Minho autograph that he spend so hard trying to get. Keep the froggy key chain he gave me and remember the MinKey moments we had and look at the cute teddy bear in the clear container and remember all the promises and memories we held for each other. I'll keep the expensive necklace that he gave me safe and tucked away, never losing it and always cherishing it. I told him I'll miss the spams he used to give me when I went to class, and when we enjoyed watching facebook ahjusshi die because of our notification spams. Remember all our days together, whether it's out on a date or at home holding each other, teasing each other and telling each other about our day. And the long messages we write to one another on days we miss each other. I'll miss everything about him. The best 104 days of my life spend with this wonderful guy that ruled my world and I can never forget.
But I don't regret it. We never really got to hold each other's hands, hug each other's bodies, kiss each other's lips, but our hearts are touched by one another. We smile when the other smiles, cry when the other cries. We never really got to talk to each other face to face, but we said we'll try. There aren't promises between us anymore. It's just we'll try. Our old promises are forgotten, and what we have left are days where we'll spend showing each other how much the other means to us, tell each other how much we love each other, say to each other what we might not have time to say anymore and do things with each other that we may never be able to do soon. Like the things we did today.
Making each other smile, wiping away the other's tears, holding the other when the other is crumbling down. Being there for each other until the very last second we have left. When he's tired and doesn't want to fight anymore. When he leaves me forever on this place called earth. But I know, he'll always be my tenshi, my guardian angel, my baby, my sweet heart, my sexy prince, my love, my soul, my heart and my body. He'll always be there me, protecting me, shielding me from the dark and carrying me to the light and waiting for me to join him. No one can ever replace him in my heart. No one will ever be able to understand me the way he does. No one shall ever pull me back to where he brought me. Because without him, there won't be the Chor Yan he knows, there'll only be Joanne.
And I admit, I'm scared of losing him, scared of thinking how my world will crumble when he leaves. And after saying good bye it hurt me so much more. I can no longer believe what I wanted to believe in. I can no longer lie to myself that everything will be ok because it won't be. So I have to hide to look strong, and let the old Joanne come back, letting her show her poker face, faking a smile whenever she sees someone. Whenever someone calls me or knocks on my door or my roommate comes back, I take a napkin and wipe my eyes and take a deep breath and pretend nothing's wrong. Smile regardless of what happens and hide my tears and dark emotions. Even when I wanted to hurt myself today, I won't let anyone around me know, and I can't let anyone around me know. I can only let myself crumble without anyone to pull me back up.
And then the birdie comes, I admit one he said hurt. I don't want to say goodbye to someone that doesn't just own my heart, but my world and everything there is in life. He's not only someone I love, he's my best friend, he's my family. I depended on him for everything in life. He saved me from so many things. Fixed my world when there was nothing left of it. Showed me what love was when I gave up on it. He held me when I needed someone to cling to, he took my hand when I need someone to pull me up. And it hurts, it hurts to know that person that did all that for me is leaving me soon.
I guess that's the reason why I kept having these false hope in my head. I hate myself for causing him pain. I hate the fact that I'm not a reason for his smiles instead a reason for his pain. And I blame myself for all this. So I listened to him and said my goodbye to the person that means everything to me. I told him I'll always look at the sky holding kitty reminiscing all the bad and good time we had together. I told him to stop fighting when he's tired and just go. It hurts so much that I did that. But I had to do it. I have to let him go, let him in peace.
Still now I'm just a crybaby, all I can do is cry. I can't give him a part of my life so he can stay alive with me. I can't keep asking him to stay here. It's too selfish of me to do that so I have to let him go. So I told him, everything in my heart. I told him even when he's gone, I'll read his livejournal his tumblr over and over again. Read our conversations on all the accounts we had multiple times. I'll remember his kisses, his laughter, his raspberry blowing and his whimpers, all that I've heard before and have deeply etched into my heart and soul. I'll cherish everything he gave me. Bring kitty everywhere I go, hug him tight on nights I have to sleep without him, and look at the sky with him, saying hi to our other halves that's looking down on us. I promised to learn how to use the hot water bottle so I can cuddle it when stomach gets upset and when I'm sick like I always am. I promised to read all the letters he send me over countless time and treasure the family portrait that he drew and Minho autograph that he spend so hard trying to get. Keep the froggy key chain he gave me and remember the MinKey moments we had and look at the cute teddy bear in the clear container and remember all the promises and memories we held for each other. I'll keep the expensive necklace that he gave me safe and tucked away, never losing it and always cherishing it. I told him I'll miss the spams he used to give me when I went to class, and when we enjoyed watching facebook ahjusshi die because of our notification spams. Remember all our days together, whether it's out on a date or at home holding each other, teasing each other and telling each other about our day. And the long messages we write to one another on days we miss each other. I'll miss everything about him. The best 104 days of my life spend with this wonderful guy that ruled my world and I can never forget.
But I don't regret it. We never really got to hold each other's hands, hug each other's bodies, kiss each other's lips, but our hearts are touched by one another. We smile when the other smiles, cry when the other cries. We never really got to talk to each other face to face, but we said we'll try. There aren't promises between us anymore. It's just we'll try. Our old promises are forgotten, and what we have left are days where we'll spend showing each other how much the other means to us, tell each other how much we love each other, say to each other what we might not have time to say anymore and do things with each other that we may never be able to do soon. Like the things we did today.
Making each other smile, wiping away the other's tears, holding the other when the other is crumbling down. Being there for each other until the very last second we have left. When he's tired and doesn't want to fight anymore. When he leaves me forever on this place called earth. But I know, he'll always be my tenshi, my guardian angel, my baby, my sweet heart, my sexy prince, my love, my soul, my heart and my body. He'll always be there me, protecting me, shielding me from the dark and carrying me to the light and waiting for me to join him. No one can ever replace him in my heart. No one will ever be able to understand me the way he does. No one shall ever pull me back to where he brought me. Because without him, there won't be the Chor Yan he knows, there'll only be Joanne.
And I admit, I'm scared of losing him, scared of thinking how my world will crumble when he leaves. And after saying good bye it hurt me so much more. I can no longer believe what I wanted to believe in. I can no longer lie to myself that everything will be ok because it won't be. So I have to hide to look strong, and let the old Joanne come back, letting her show her poker face, faking a smile whenever she sees someone. Whenever someone calls me or knocks on my door or my roommate comes back, I take a napkin and wipe my eyes and take a deep breath and pretend nothing's wrong. Smile regardless of what happens and hide my tears and dark emotions. Even when I wanted to hurt myself today, I won't let anyone around me know, and I can't let anyone around me know. I can only let myself crumble without anyone to pull me back up.