I Got Better...
Okay, so much better tonight. Good news and a full night's sleep, combined with Loki desideing that, despite bieting me twice, she wanted to be nice to me and let me preen her (and then chase her around the house trying to avoid getting bit a third time atemping to get her back to her cage) have left me feeling much more like how I should have felt all day yesterday.
So like I said, I really don't know why those two little punk ass bitches got to me so much, I really don't. Probably reminding me of all those years as a kid in school, when I got picked on by everybody including the teachers for my amuseing atempts at spelling (jeeze, spell "statue of limitations" on a report once, and they never stop giggling), but for whatever reason, It'd hit me at random points last night, and I'd suddenly feel like crap emotionaly. I meen, the kinda crap you feel when soemone close to you dies or finds out they have cancer or something. If I didn't aleady have a long history of depression and slef-doubt centering around how others view my spelling (that's right, my not spell checking here is a silent protest! Suck it, bitches! ...Okay, not so silent...), then I'd probably have been far more worried about "outside influances" manipulating my emotions.
As it was, I'd be fine for awhile, then something would bring it back up in my mind, and all of a sudden, I'd be feeling like depressed crap again. I had done a clensing rit after it happend yesterday, trying to let it go, but that only got me so far. It was so bad, it was keeping me awake when I tried to sleep.
Finaly, I desided to actualy ask for help...and yah, total AA moment there. "God grant me the strength to change that which I can, the understanding to except that which I can not change, and the wisdom to know the difrence."
Okay, so that's not what I acutaly said, mostly because I don't pray to God. But when I said my usual Goodnights and meditations, I did ask "any aid given in helping me detach from this would be greatly appreshated, thanks." A few minutes later, I found myself actualy letting it go. I could actualy feel it losing hold on me as I gave the feeling mental images of me makeing it let go.
As I mentaly waved at it as the cold water of the stream washed it down (and hopefuly over an imagnatry waterfall with sharp rocks at the bottom), my phone rang. It was 8:20 am and it was Dad's caller ID, so I anwsered, thinking something bad had happend.
First thing he asked was, "Has Krista called you?" and when I anwsered no, he told me, "okay, you'd better sit down..." And at the first question, I'm thinking "oh god, she's been in an accident, and can't find her, and want to know if she tried to call me while trapped in her car upnside down in a moutain raveen, or from the trunk of her car as the kidnappers drove across the CA border..." As I am wont to think...but Dad wasn't shaken enough, so when he said the secion part, I imideatly asked "She's pregent again, isn't she?" ::LOL::
Dad had a long moment of silence and then "Yeaaaah. How do you do that?" ::LOL::
And actualy, I had a dream about a kid two nights ago (well, it would have been the night before the call, as I hadn't slept again since then), about a little boy with incredible magical ablities who would save two worlds...only that was an adventure story. And I'm off topic.
Krista's pregent again. And this time, they waited to get the sonogram before telling anyone. They've already seen the baby's heart beat, and what the doctor tells them was the head at one end, and rump at the other. Krista's due date is October 13th.
1013.
Yah, probably the best sign I couldda gotten, as that's a very lucky and important number for me. Very, very, very good sign.
As soon as the call finished, I felt great. I haven't felt any bad depression when I think about the bitches since then. I imdieatly thanked the Goddess, for whatever hand she may have had in the timeing there, I really, really needed that.
I feel much better tonight then last night, by leaps and bounds. I'm still not counting any eggs in any baskets with this baby news, and I'm gunna worry the whole time about preminitions and misscarrages, but I do think that it's a mcuh better start. And Krista an Sean started getting the medical tests taken much sooner this time around, instead of just assuming everything was okay, and the baby does have a heart beat, so that's already a much better start then eight/nine months ago when they conseaved the first time.
So Yay! New baby in the family. I still don't do messy dipers, and wet ones only outta nessisity when no one else can, and I still wanna give them back after about five minutes, and still do not want my own, but I can definatly be happy for them, and for Mom and Joe and everyone else. And I'll love the little guy/gal just as much as anyone in the world...even if I do give him/her back to Krista the moment s/he starts spitting up or makeing bad sounds or smells or crying or... ::G::
So like I said, I really don't know why those two little punk ass bitches got to me so much, I really don't. Probably reminding me of all those years as a kid in school, when I got picked on by everybody including the teachers for my amuseing atempts at spelling (jeeze, spell "statue of limitations" on a report once, and they never stop giggling), but for whatever reason, It'd hit me at random points last night, and I'd suddenly feel like crap emotionaly. I meen, the kinda crap you feel when soemone close to you dies or finds out they have cancer or something. If I didn't aleady have a long history of depression and slef-doubt centering around how others view my spelling (that's right, my not spell checking here is a silent protest! Suck it, bitches! ...Okay, not so silent...), then I'd probably have been far more worried about "outside influances" manipulating my emotions.
As it was, I'd be fine for awhile, then something would bring it back up in my mind, and all of a sudden, I'd be feeling like depressed crap again. I had done a clensing rit after it happend yesterday, trying to let it go, but that only got me so far. It was so bad, it was keeping me awake when I tried to sleep.
Finaly, I desided to actualy ask for help...and yah, total AA moment there. "God grant me the strength to change that which I can, the understanding to except that which I can not change, and the wisdom to know the difrence."
Okay, so that's not what I acutaly said, mostly because I don't pray to God. But when I said my usual Goodnights and meditations, I did ask "any aid given in helping me detach from this would be greatly appreshated, thanks." A few minutes later, I found myself actualy letting it go. I could actualy feel it losing hold on me as I gave the feeling mental images of me makeing it let go.
As I mentaly waved at it as the cold water of the stream washed it down (and hopefuly over an imagnatry waterfall with sharp rocks at the bottom), my phone rang. It was 8:20 am and it was Dad's caller ID, so I anwsered, thinking something bad had happend.
First thing he asked was, "Has Krista called you?" and when I anwsered no, he told me, "okay, you'd better sit down..." And at the first question, I'm thinking "oh god, she's been in an accident, and can't find her, and want to know if she tried to call me while trapped in her car upnside down in a moutain raveen, or from the trunk of her car as the kidnappers drove across the CA border..." As I am wont to think...but Dad wasn't shaken enough, so when he said the secion part, I imideatly asked "She's pregent again, isn't she?" ::LOL::
Dad had a long moment of silence and then "Yeaaaah. How do you do that?" ::LOL::
And actualy, I had a dream about a kid two nights ago (well, it would have been the night before the call, as I hadn't slept again since then), about a little boy with incredible magical ablities who would save two worlds...only that was an adventure story. And I'm off topic.
Krista's pregent again. And this time, they waited to get the sonogram before telling anyone. They've already seen the baby's heart beat, and what the doctor tells them was the head at one end, and rump at the other. Krista's due date is October 13th.
1013.
Yah, probably the best sign I couldda gotten, as that's a very lucky and important number for me. Very, very, very good sign.
As soon as the call finished, I felt great. I haven't felt any bad depression when I think about the bitches since then. I imdieatly thanked the Goddess, for whatever hand she may have had in the timeing there, I really, really needed that.
I feel much better tonight then last night, by leaps and bounds. I'm still not counting any eggs in any baskets with this baby news, and I'm gunna worry the whole time about preminitions and misscarrages, but I do think that it's a mcuh better start. And Krista an Sean started getting the medical tests taken much sooner this time around, instead of just assuming everything was okay, and the baby does have a heart beat, so that's already a much better start then eight/nine months ago when they conseaved the first time.
So Yay! New baby in the family. I still don't do messy dipers, and wet ones only outta nessisity when no one else can, and I still wanna give them back after about five minutes, and still do not want my own, but I can definatly be happy for them, and for Mom and Joe and everyone else. And I'll love the little guy/gal just as much as anyone in the world...even if I do give him/her back to Krista the moment s/he starts spitting up or makeing bad sounds or smells or crying or... ::G::