It is now Thursday and I can, finally almost breathe normally OH, this asthma attack was just about an attack on this life that I am trying to build, hopefully I can come out unscathed. Mark was over early, his paybheck for the other week was just under a grand...A THOUSAND DOLLARS A WEEK. he is making out pretty good. I hope I can do better

if i don't get any better by tomorrow i will be checking myself into the hospital. Not that i can afford it but i cannot breathe and now my whole body hurts from the labored breathing. i just pray i can get some pain relief later on tonight cuz it is starting to hurt real fucking bad and i can't take it for too much longer. i know the cure i want ( Read more... )

I cannot breathe. For the last couple days breathing has become an olympic sport for me. God I hate this asthma shit so much. I never should have started smoking again.

Last night I actually came home feeling good. What happened afterwards isn't worth mentioning. Just sitting at a table in some overpriced coffeehouse talking about stuff was very relieving, even though i do not know the person I was talking to-didn't matter all that much. I came in the front door and was automatically dishonest, of course I was ( Read more... )

I have to live with what I do, not with what they say... I saw myself in the mirror and went up to get a better view. A better View???? I know every curve and every transgression that mars my soul and my face. I have to be able to live with what I do and be responsible for what I say. What the fuck am I doing? I called a place about a job offer-- ( Read more... )

I feel more comfortable, I realized, when I was away. When I come home I suddenly stop showing much of any emotion or whatever... I do not talk as easy to strangers as I do when I am away. Another sign of being institutionalized???? And the fear comes back real fast. There are things I do not even flinch at, but the normal things that people do ( Read more... )

I think that after this past weekend and the time given to reflect... I will do my best to do things the right way, opposed to doing things how I want to do them and in the time period that I want them done. Things may go slower, but at least everyone else is happier and that, in itself, should make me happier.

This morning I managed to find songs and videos that stir my emotions to the surface, and I cried without a clue as to why. I imagine there is still a lot of things I left unresolved(i think in good reason) in my life. I don't know how much more closure I can get. I felt like destroying somethings...How much good is that going to do? Right now the ( Read more... )

Things will go my way, and although I would love to make a list of reasons to prove this to the avid readers, it is too late and I am too tired to do such a thing. I am merely typing this out to try a couple things before I go to bed-alone-but to bed nevertheless.

The kind of things I hear at the meetings I attend in my attempt to become a better person for myself and the rest of society!!!!My head is just reeling and pounding from all the excitement. I got a call that some girl tried to kill herself with trazadone(?) that I met in rehab. I am in outpatient with nothing but alcoholics and they all have years ( Read more... )