Kindness Towards Self
If I had to list the most common piece of advice my counselor gives me is to "be kind to yourself", which is something I really suck at. Facebook is particularly evil when it comes being mean to myself. Weddings, babies and lifestyle posts don't affect me because those will come in good time. I'm not even sure I want the first two and most of the lifestyles I've seen of some friends or friends of friends are not ones that I particularly envy. I'm recluse for the most part by choice. I like being around people, just not interacting with them. It's why I like malls; I'm surrounded by people who I don't have to interact with.
Anyway, the regular sort of posts you would think would ruffle feathers and colour some eyes green aren't the ones that hurt. It's the lost opportunity ones that do and I doubt many would agree with what my definition of a lost opportunity is. Yesterday two of my old friends on FB were at a book launch of an old professor we shared. I wonder if I was not such a snot-nosed brat I would have graduated by now and joined them. Perhaps if I had pushed harder I might have learnt something from him. It hurts worse because he knows some of the people in the library and storytelling business, which is what I'm studying now. It's a stupid thing to beat myself older since I'm not the same as I was 10 years ago.
If I was to be kind to myself, I would say that given how much I had to fall, what with discovering I'm bipolar and all, eventually I'll land on my feet. I mean, by my calculations, my student loan is the equivalent of a car loan and really I need something to build my credit rating off of. I just got offered more hours at the library here. It's technically a temporary assignment where I get regular hours and my supervisor is willing to work around my hours with a couple of exceptions. It's a relief on my mind because every bill worries me. I have palpitations going for groceries because of cost, because I know money is very finite.
Overall, I do have enough to make it till the end of this school year. I just need to keep that in mind. I will make it through this.
Anyway, the regular sort of posts you would think would ruffle feathers and colour some eyes green aren't the ones that hurt. It's the lost opportunity ones that do and I doubt many would agree with what my definition of a lost opportunity is. Yesterday two of my old friends on FB were at a book launch of an old professor we shared. I wonder if I was not such a snot-nosed brat I would have graduated by now and joined them. Perhaps if I had pushed harder I might have learnt something from him. It hurts worse because he knows some of the people in the library and storytelling business, which is what I'm studying now. It's a stupid thing to beat myself older since I'm not the same as I was 10 years ago.
If I was to be kind to myself, I would say that given how much I had to fall, what with discovering I'm bipolar and all, eventually I'll land on my feet. I mean, by my calculations, my student loan is the equivalent of a car loan and really I need something to build my credit rating off of. I just got offered more hours at the library here. It's technically a temporary assignment where I get regular hours and my supervisor is willing to work around my hours with a couple of exceptions. It's a relief on my mind because every bill worries me. I have palpitations going for groceries because of cost, because I know money is very finite.
Overall, I do have enough to make it till the end of this school year. I just need to keep that in mind. I will make it through this.