Identity in Transit
The road to condensing my personas down to two or three was a process that didn't happen overnight. Like any mess, to create it is far easier than to clean it. By my count this is a mess I've been perpetuating for years. I know my main identity is one of the keys needed to keep going. I need to stop running away from that name just because I don't find her so shiny anymore. Everything ages; I need to get over that as a reason to throw some things away, like a perfectly good name. As a side note, I have some of my mother's hoarding tendencies so it's not like I throw a name out but I let it linger in a way that simply unhealthy.
It's hard. It was hard. Even typing that out sounds like a child's whine. I kept at it though because it will be harder later for other times and because I needed it. I started by writing down the bits and pieces I use to define each persona on a different index card. Written down, most of the don't sound like much. Written down, the amount of agony I've caused myself in an identity crisis doesn't seem proportionate to what was written on each card. The work was worth it as I'm down to three again.
Even better is that I'm making better progress this semester than I was last semester. I might actually pass all of my classes this time. I've talked to two out of three profs. Finding a dean who was abusing the rules has made me a little bold because before, my drug of choice was a natural dose of testosterone, which explained why being pissed off usually accomplished more for me in a depressed state as well as why I was more horny when I was depressed. As I've explained before, the quetiapine prevents the ups, which in turn prevents as sharp of a downward dive but that doesn't mean I get to completely avoid my downs. Believe me when I say this is better. I don't feel like like I'm trying to climb out of a dark cavern.
I'm now on a temporary appointment for work, which means I have the job until the other person comes back and they're on their own temporary appointment. The thing with a temporary appointment is that it will be for longer than 13 weeks, which means I have a steady amount of income and am higher on the seniority scale for extra shifts. It's more money and I get to put it down on my resume that I've been working for the same library for half a decade. I've been with this library longer than I have been at my apartment.
I've also started working out. I'm not seeing any benefits off the bat but considering it was a friend's suggestion to help combat my downs (and give me more energy), it wasn't like I had any better ideas in addition to all the stuff I'm already doing. Between that, doing my mail shift, lion dance and swimming (though that could go under working out), I'm definitely the most active than I've been in years with all this physical activity.
It's hard. It was hard. Even typing that out sounds like a child's whine. I kept at it though because it will be harder later for other times and because I needed it. I started by writing down the bits and pieces I use to define each persona on a different index card. Written down, most of the don't sound like much. Written down, the amount of agony I've caused myself in an identity crisis doesn't seem proportionate to what was written on each card. The work was worth it as I'm down to three again.
Even better is that I'm making better progress this semester than I was last semester. I might actually pass all of my classes this time. I've talked to two out of three profs. Finding a dean who was abusing the rules has made me a little bold because before, my drug of choice was a natural dose of testosterone, which explained why being pissed off usually accomplished more for me in a depressed state as well as why I was more horny when I was depressed. As I've explained before, the quetiapine prevents the ups, which in turn prevents as sharp of a downward dive but that doesn't mean I get to completely avoid my downs. Believe me when I say this is better. I don't feel like like I'm trying to climb out of a dark cavern.
I'm now on a temporary appointment for work, which means I have the job until the other person comes back and they're on their own temporary appointment. The thing with a temporary appointment is that it will be for longer than 13 weeks, which means I have a steady amount of income and am higher on the seniority scale for extra shifts. It's more money and I get to put it down on my resume that I've been working for the same library for half a decade. I've been with this library longer than I have been at my apartment.
I've also started working out. I'm not seeing any benefits off the bat but considering it was a friend's suggestion to help combat my downs (and give me more energy), it wasn't like I had any better ideas in addition to all the stuff I'm already doing. Between that, doing my mail shift, lion dance and swimming (though that could go under working out), I'm definitely the most active than I've been in years with all this physical activity.