Too Many Names to Name
Fandom has moved onto Tumblr. I look at this journal now and wonder what to do with it since there's no fandom to connect to anymore by it. I've banned myself from writing in my paper journals. Why? Because it's distracting. The amount of time it would take me to write out a page by hand now compared to my typing speed, it would just make more sense to type it if I just needed to get something off my chest.
I'm itching for another usename and I do mean usename. The term I borrowed from Mercedes Lackey and I find it describes the concept far better than username in this case. The thing is, I currently have seven running around. Another one is definitely not the answer; I need to stop running. I remember a conversation years ago with M where he suggest I just stick to my original one. It's the name where barring a handful of accounts, it's probably me. At the same time, that name has too much history and that's why I run. It makes me think of all those posts that give you information on how to disappear. I used to think I would not be able to do that; I would not be surprised if I'm able to do so now.
Another usename will not make things better. It will appear easier but that means little in the long run. A recent conversation with my counselor revealed an idea to me though I did not share the "aha" moment with him. Instead I hid it in my thoughts for later. It's never been odd for me to have a spare name because usually time in another usename helped me to go back to my main one and order is restored. Having seven running around, well, that's six other places I can go to and my main name isn't usually the one I bounce to.
It's like long division, I explained to my therapist. I present to myself a conundrum. On one hand, I seem like a hypercompetent 20something year old. I have a house in my name, a car paid off and six years of experience in my chosen field before graduating. It's not even what people would consider intern experience; it's working firsthand as I will be if I get the job I want. If we're going by societal goals especially those thrusted onto women, I have a significant other that I do care about deeply and love. This was person A.
On the other hand, I'm a struggling student barely able to pass her classes. I spend most of my time alone because I'm too anxious to plan for socializing as I feel I'm intruding on my friends' time. If I can do most of the things off my checklist, I would be amazed but most of the time I'm dealing with the overdue assignments and missing classes. The part that hurts the most is that I wasn't always like this. But with puncturing that image of being a good student, it feels impossible to fill that role again. This was person B.
Needless to say brain's weird ass way of figuring my life out was always make another soundboard. In the past, the other name resembled a future version of person A who has finally graduated and is paying off loans.
I just want to work in the library. Really that's as high as my aspirations go. I want to help through libraries. I'm not interested in making it big or whatever crap is touted around people my age, younger or older. I wouldn't be any good at the jobs that would make that money. If anything, it was always the negative version I didn't want. I'm realistic about libraries in that I know I won't make dazzling amounts of money but the general wage is comfortable live on.
Somewhere in the last couple years, my brain split person A into two more usenames while person B has four. My main name I have no clue who she is, who I am. As I said, long division. It's time I start multiplying back but it will be a process that I haven't figured out. The "aha" moment was what if I made a third option? What if I made the good student? Not so much start from scratch but a reboot of the person I wanted to be. That would be rebuilding the main usename while the others slowly melt back.
It's not the most efficient of ideas but the counseling centre has yet to provide me with a better solution and this is the best I do have.
I'm itching for another usename and I do mean usename. The term I borrowed from Mercedes Lackey and I find it describes the concept far better than username in this case. The thing is, I currently have seven running around. Another one is definitely not the answer; I need to stop running. I remember a conversation years ago with M where he suggest I just stick to my original one. It's the name where barring a handful of accounts, it's probably me. At the same time, that name has too much history and that's why I run. It makes me think of all those posts that give you information on how to disappear. I used to think I would not be able to do that; I would not be surprised if I'm able to do so now.
Another usename will not make things better. It will appear easier but that means little in the long run. A recent conversation with my counselor revealed an idea to me though I did not share the "aha" moment with him. Instead I hid it in my thoughts for later. It's never been odd for me to have a spare name because usually time in another usename helped me to go back to my main one and order is restored. Having seven running around, well, that's six other places I can go to and my main name isn't usually the one I bounce to.
It's like long division, I explained to my therapist. I present to myself a conundrum. On one hand, I seem like a hypercompetent 20something year old. I have a house in my name, a car paid off and six years of experience in my chosen field before graduating. It's not even what people would consider intern experience; it's working firsthand as I will be if I get the job I want. If we're going by societal goals especially those thrusted onto women, I have a significant other that I do care about deeply and love. This was person A.
On the other hand, I'm a struggling student barely able to pass her classes. I spend most of my time alone because I'm too anxious to plan for socializing as I feel I'm intruding on my friends' time. If I can do most of the things off my checklist, I would be amazed but most of the time I'm dealing with the overdue assignments and missing classes. The part that hurts the most is that I wasn't always like this. But with puncturing that image of being a good student, it feels impossible to fill that role again. This was person B.
Needless to say brain's weird ass way of figuring my life out was always make another soundboard. In the past, the other name resembled a future version of person A who has finally graduated and is paying off loans.
I just want to work in the library. Really that's as high as my aspirations go. I want to help through libraries. I'm not interested in making it big or whatever crap is touted around people my age, younger or older. I wouldn't be any good at the jobs that would make that money. If anything, it was always the negative version I didn't want. I'm realistic about libraries in that I know I won't make dazzling amounts of money but the general wage is comfortable live on.
Somewhere in the last couple years, my brain split person A into two more usenames while person B has four. My main name I have no clue who she is, who I am. As I said, long division. It's time I start multiplying back but it will be a process that I haven't figured out. The "aha" moment was what if I made a third option? What if I made the good student? Not so much start from scratch but a reboot of the person I wanted to be. That would be rebuilding the main usename while the others slowly melt back.
It's not the most efficient of ideas but the counseling centre has yet to provide me with a better solution and this is the best I do have.