Deserving Chapter 10
Welcome back to the wacky world of Deserving, where Snape has just given birth to Richard the arse-baby.
Five months had passed since the birth of his child and Harry had to admit that Severus had turned out to be an excellent father.
We're not shown any scenes demonstrating this, so we have to take the author's word for it.
Harry was in the sitting room making Richard giggle by lifting him high up and bringing him down in one thrust and Severus was sitting in a chair on the other side of the fireplace knitting, now a favourite pastime,
There's still no evidence of him actually having completed anything in all the however long he's been knitting. Whatever he's got on the go... well, I'm once again reminded of the Fourth Doctor's scarf.
“What are you going to do?” asked Poppy.
“You can not do this to him, Mr. Potter,” admonished Minerva.
“I will not do this to Draco and they can not make me,” warned Kingsley.
This is a dialogue-heavy chapter in which the word "said" appears a grand total of twice. It's like reading The Eye of Argon but with buggery, mpreg and incongruous domestic scenes.
“I know you wouldn’t do this to Severus, right Harry?” assured Mrs. Weasley who had stopped visiting when she heard of Harry’s despicable action during his child’s birth.
The author has truly mastered the art of showing not telling. Who can forget the brilliantly written scene in which Mrs Weasley takes Harry to task for being a first-class moron? It must be here somewhere...
“If someone would be kind enough to explain to me what you all are going on about, then maybe, just maybe, I can answer at least one of your questions,” interrupted Harry
Who interrupted Harry?
Harry looked over to Severus to see if he had gotten a special owl and Severus simply nodded the answer. Kingsley could not help but think that the gesture between them seemed warm. Were they finally getting along? Had Harry realized the error of his ways?
I should be desensitised to POV!fail by now, but this is one of the most egregious yet.
“Because of Goyle’s gruesome death the Ministry wants the Marked Ones to be married to their Guides.
Plot contrivance!
“I thought you were crazy about Draco.
No, Deserving!Kingsley is just crazy. POTTERRR!
He had to shake his head in the negative.
As opposed to shaking his head in the affirmative?
“The guides are making a mockery out of these weddings. They are making their male charges wear wedding dresses and the women wear provocative, revealing, red clothing,” informed Kingsley.
Well, if that's what floats your boat, YKINMKATOK. The provocative revealing red I can get behind, though, at least on the right girl.
“Everyone shows up to boo and mock the Marked One,” he continued,
See, this is what happens when there's nothing good on TV.
He is the father of my child and deserves respect.
Not to flog yet another dead horse, but he really is the kid's mum. For some unknown reason, the English language lacks a term for a man who gives birth.
“Look I really can’t see the Ministry making you, the head of the Auror Department,
Thanks for reminding us.
“I have NO intention of marring the greasy git and the Ministry can’t make me!”
Typos FTW!
Dennis’s disparagement was made clear in a glare that could melt icebergs.
A cold glare that could melt icebergs?
“Put Richard to sleep then go to my room and wait for me. You will be earning some coins tonight.”
You know, for someone who thinks Severus is a greasy git, Harry is quick enough to jump into bed with him. Someone's in denial, methinks.
Severus lowered his forehead to the flagstone, brought his hands to his ass cheeks
I'm counting this as POV!fail because really, in what universe is Severus Snape going to think of his buttocks as his "ass-cheeks"? I'm trying to imagine the phrase "ass-cheeks" spoken in Alan Rickman's voice, and it's not working.
He arranged himself behind Snape and aligned his manhood with Severus’ entrance
It's hard to believe, reading sentences like this, that the sex scenes in this fic just get lulzier and lulzier from here.
Another thrust, another scream not voiced.
I knew we were due for another round of the old pain-thrust routine:
You put your manhood in, your manhood out
Pain! Thrust! Pain! Thrust! Shake it all about!
You do the hokey-bugg'ry and you turn around
That's what it's all about!
Then Harry gave an especially viscous one
Jaiden Lee Malfoy? Is that you?
making Severus let out an almost audible whimper before settling on a pounding rhythm.
The author has gone for drum and bass for the soundtrack.
“Accio ruler!”
"Ruler!" *whack* Oh, Deserving.
Severus had no idea what he had done to anger the Guide.
Existed.
He suddenly realized in horror that Snape’s backside was covered in whelps.
Well, it is an mpreg fic.
“You will have to finish me with your mouth. Do not fret I will still pay you for penetration.”
Well, he paid him for a BJ when he didn't even get an erection. It's like he wants to throw his money away. And again, nobody uses "penetration" in everyday conversation.
He tried not to dwell on the fact that what he was placing in his mouth had been in his rectum.
RECTUUUM!
Did the kid have any idea of what it meant to enjoy another wizard’s scent?
Eau de Potter: because you're worth it.
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” cried Richard.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" with twenty letter a's, meaning "help, I'm stuck in a badfic", as opposed to "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" with nineteen, meaning "a wizard's staff has a knob on the end", and "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" with twenty-one, meaning "the cake is a lie". It's an important distinction, which is why all twenty had to be typed out in full.
Poppy walked into the room with Kreacher close behind. She walked over to the rocker.
“Pixy fever,” informed Severus.
I've been ranting about the author's troubles with transitive dialogue tags (all of which could be avoided if she used "said", of course) all fic, but this time it really isn't even clear from context whether he's informing or being informed.
Harry was taken back by this statement. How did Snape know the baby was in peril?
“Well it wouldn’t be the first time that there is a connection between the birthing parent and the child, but it is by no means common. Lucky… lucky indeed.
Lucky, lucky luck luck luuuuuck! Hmmm, could almost call this a contrived coincidence, but the literary greatness of Deserving is far above such cheap trickery.
“No, your place is in my bed; working.”
Is that what they're calling it nowadays?
Severus knew that Harry would not allow the Ministry to separate him from his child. He was after all the Saviour of the Wizarding World.
As the author never tires of telling us.
His child would be safe. He was practically a prince. A smile escaped the corner of his mouth at the double meaning of his thoughts.
Actually quite a cool continuity nod. :)
Harry was stopped in his tracks when he realized that one of the pleaders was his boss Kingsley Shacklebolt.
As opposed to that other Kingsley Shacklebolt, who's always getting owls intended for the Ministry by mistake. It's very confusing.
“They’ve taken them, Harry. Dilly just informed me that the Ministry entered our homes and took them.”
“Draco?”
“And Severus,” added the ebony man.
“What! How did they get in… the wards… that makes no sense. Where is my child?” babbled on the Auror.
Which Auror? They're both Aurors! USE THEIR FUCKING NAMES, AUTHOR!
Kingsley was interrupted by a wizard that Harry recognized as Mr. Single. The wizard was on a platform and placed his wand to his throat, “My fellow wizards and witches,” he began, “I do not understand what all the commotion is about. The information has been dissipated in our prestigious periodical The Prophet.”
“Prestigious, indeed,” scuffed a wizard near Harry.
“You should have all expected this. Now, those of you who wish to marry your charge will simply have to submit a request of marriage.”
“What if we do not wish to marry the scumbags?” yelled someone from the crowd.
“You know the law, Tanner; your charge will go up for grabs.”
Harry couldn’t believe his ears. There was no way they were going to take Snape away from Richard before his first birthday. He understood that Mr. Single was not the wizard to talk to so he walked to a small office down the hall.
The sign read Public Prosecutor (Mrs.) Hermione Weasley.
Aside from "dissipated" for "disseminated", this scene works.
Continued...
Five months had passed since the birth of his child and Harry had to admit that Severus had turned out to be an excellent father.
We're not shown any scenes demonstrating this, so we have to take the author's word for it.
Harry was in the sitting room making Richard giggle by lifting him high up and bringing him down in one thrust and Severus was sitting in a chair on the other side of the fireplace knitting, now a favourite pastime,
There's still no evidence of him actually having completed anything in all the however long he's been knitting. Whatever he's got on the go... well, I'm once again reminded of the Fourth Doctor's scarf.
“What are you going to do?” asked Poppy.
“You can not do this to him, Mr. Potter,” admonished Minerva.
“I will not do this to Draco and they can not make me,” warned Kingsley.
This is a dialogue-heavy chapter in which the word "said" appears a grand total of twice. It's like reading The Eye of Argon but with buggery, mpreg and incongruous domestic scenes.
“I know you wouldn’t do this to Severus, right Harry?” assured Mrs. Weasley who had stopped visiting when she heard of Harry’s despicable action during his child’s birth.
The author has truly mastered the art of showing not telling. Who can forget the brilliantly written scene in which Mrs Weasley takes Harry to task for being a first-class moron? It must be here somewhere...
“If someone would be kind enough to explain to me what you all are going on about, then maybe, just maybe, I can answer at least one of your questions,” interrupted Harry
Who interrupted Harry?
Harry looked over to Severus to see if he had gotten a special owl and Severus simply nodded the answer. Kingsley could not help but think that the gesture between them seemed warm. Were they finally getting along? Had Harry realized the error of his ways?
I should be desensitised to POV!fail by now, but this is one of the most egregious yet.
“Because of Goyle’s gruesome death the Ministry wants the Marked Ones to be married to their Guides.
Plot contrivance!
“I thought you were crazy about Draco.
No, Deserving!Kingsley is just crazy. POTTERRR!
He had to shake his head in the negative.
As opposed to shaking his head in the affirmative?
“The guides are making a mockery out of these weddings. They are making their male charges wear wedding dresses and the women wear provocative, revealing, red clothing,” informed Kingsley.
Well, if that's what floats your boat, YKINMKATOK. The provocative revealing red I can get behind, though, at least on the right girl.
“Everyone shows up to boo and mock the Marked One,” he continued,
See, this is what happens when there's nothing good on TV.
He is the father of my child and deserves respect.
Not to flog yet another dead horse, but he really is the kid's mum. For some unknown reason, the English language lacks a term for a man who gives birth.
“Look I really can’t see the Ministry making you, the head of the Auror Department,
Thanks for reminding us.
“I have NO intention of marring the greasy git and the Ministry can’t make me!”
Typos FTW!
Dennis’s disparagement was made clear in a glare that could melt icebergs.
A cold glare that could melt icebergs?
“Put Richard to sleep then go to my room and wait for me. You will be earning some coins tonight.”
You know, for someone who thinks Severus is a greasy git, Harry is quick enough to jump into bed with him. Someone's in denial, methinks.
Severus lowered his forehead to the flagstone, brought his hands to his ass cheeks
I'm counting this as POV!fail because really, in what universe is Severus Snape going to think of his buttocks as his "ass-cheeks"? I'm trying to imagine the phrase "ass-cheeks" spoken in Alan Rickman's voice, and it's not working.
He arranged himself behind Snape and aligned his manhood with Severus’ entrance
It's hard to believe, reading sentences like this, that the sex scenes in this fic just get lulzier and lulzier from here.
Another thrust, another scream not voiced.
I knew we were due for another round of the old pain-thrust routine:
You put your manhood in, your manhood out
Pain! Thrust! Pain! Thrust! Shake it all about!
You do the hokey-bugg'ry and you turn around
That's what it's all about!
Then Harry gave an especially viscous one
Jaiden Lee Malfoy? Is that you?
making Severus let out an almost audible whimper before settling on a pounding rhythm.
The author has gone for drum and bass for the soundtrack.
“Accio ruler!”
"Ruler!" *whack* Oh, Deserving.
Severus had no idea what he had done to anger the Guide.
Existed.
He suddenly realized in horror that Snape’s backside was covered in whelps.
Well, it is an mpreg fic.
“You will have to finish me with your mouth. Do not fret I will still pay you for penetration.”
Well, he paid him for a BJ when he didn't even get an erection. It's like he wants to throw his money away. And again, nobody uses "penetration" in everyday conversation.
He tried not to dwell on the fact that what he was placing in his mouth had been in his rectum.
RECTUUUM!
Did the kid have any idea of what it meant to enjoy another wizard’s scent?
Eau de Potter: because you're worth it.
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” cried Richard.
"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" with twenty letter a's, meaning "help, I'm stuck in a badfic", as opposed to "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" with nineteen, meaning "a wizard's staff has a knob on the end", and "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" with twenty-one, meaning "the cake is a lie". It's an important distinction, which is why all twenty had to be typed out in full.
Poppy walked into the room with Kreacher close behind. She walked over to the rocker.
“Pixy fever,” informed Severus.
I've been ranting about the author's troubles with transitive dialogue tags (all of which could be avoided if she used "said", of course) all fic, but this time it really isn't even clear from context whether he's informing or being informed.
Harry was taken back by this statement. How did Snape know the baby was in peril?
“Well it wouldn’t be the first time that there is a connection between the birthing parent and the child, but it is by no means common. Lucky… lucky indeed.
Lucky, lucky luck luck luuuuuck! Hmmm, could almost call this a contrived coincidence, but the literary greatness of Deserving is far above such cheap trickery.
“No, your place is in my bed; working.”
Is that what they're calling it nowadays?
Severus knew that Harry would not allow the Ministry to separate him from his child. He was after all the Saviour of the Wizarding World.
As the author never tires of telling us.
His child would be safe. He was practically a prince. A smile escaped the corner of his mouth at the double meaning of his thoughts.
Actually quite a cool continuity nod. :)
Harry was stopped in his tracks when he realized that one of the pleaders was his boss Kingsley Shacklebolt.
As opposed to that other Kingsley Shacklebolt, who's always getting owls intended for the Ministry by mistake. It's very confusing.
“They’ve taken them, Harry. Dilly just informed me that the Ministry entered our homes and took them.”
“Draco?”
“And Severus,” added the ebony man.
“What! How did they get in… the wards… that makes no sense. Where is my child?” babbled on the Auror.
Which Auror? They're both Aurors! USE THEIR FUCKING NAMES, AUTHOR!
Kingsley was interrupted by a wizard that Harry recognized as Mr. Single. The wizard was on a platform and placed his wand to his throat, “My fellow wizards and witches,” he began, “I do not understand what all the commotion is about. The information has been dissipated in our prestigious periodical The Prophet.”
“Prestigious, indeed,” scuffed a wizard near Harry.
“You should have all expected this. Now, those of you who wish to marry your charge will simply have to submit a request of marriage.”
“What if we do not wish to marry the scumbags?” yelled someone from the crowd.
“You know the law, Tanner; your charge will go up for grabs.”
Harry couldn’t believe his ears. There was no way they were going to take Snape away from Richard before his first birthday. He understood that Mr. Single was not the wizard to talk to so he walked to a small office down the hall.
The sign read Public Prosecutor (Mrs.) Hermione Weasley.
Aside from "dissipated" for "disseminated", this scene works.
Continued...