Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 13
Chapter 13 is entitled "Halloween Treats", and we all know what kind of "treats" the author has in mind. He's determined to run into the ground a double entendre that wasn't even funny the first time.
We begin, however, just over a week before Halloween. He's doing his old trick of overlapping chapters again, cutting off the scene in the previous chapter just before we find out such trifling details as who these people are anyway.
He had waited outside in the hall for her to leave the common room; finally at last she was alone. Why was she avoiding him? He felt that they had a wonderful relationship and had always thought she sensed the same. Yet ever since they had been intimate, things seemed different. She had agreed, actually seemed to be just as eager as him, but the impression she gave now was of distance not intimacy. She appeared to circumvent being alone with him, even avoided talking to him whenever possible.
The boy remained out of sight, as he followed her down steep staircases and through long corridors. Finally he saw her enter the library. He was about to corner her; finally they would talk. At last he would learn why she was steering clear of him.
If these were new characters, this might work as an introduction. Except that even then we'd reasonably expect the POV character's name to be given, unless there's some specific reason not to. As they're not new characters, this whole charade is pretty pointless except to set up the most artificial suspense ever. Now "OMG who is it?" can be an effective cliffhanger (see, again, "it wasn't even Voldemort") but not when the "who" is the person whose eyes we're seeing the scene through. It reads like the author is interposing himself between us and the story, which draws attention to the fact that there is an author and makes it harder to lose ourselves in the story. Admittedly, for Hogwarts Exposed this might not be such a bad thing.
"Pregnant," Tony said aghast, "but we did everything to avoid that happening?"
"Evidently, not everything," Amanda replied miserably.
Including the failsafe and hassle-free magical contraception that's been established as part of the HE-verse. And despite having failsafe and hassle-free magical contraception, two of the three pregnancies we've seen so far were totally unplanned and the balance other one could have been too.
Tony shook his head; this couldn't be happening. "You ought to see someone to be sure," he said, nervously.
"I am sure," Amanda answered, distressed. "Besides, I can't go to Pomfrey."
Well, naturally. It's not like it's her job to look after the health of Hogwarts students or anything like that.
"What about Caitlin? She's a hyperempath; she'd be able to tell," Tony suggested.
"And the first person she'd tell is Jamie and then they'd both run to Professor Granger. Neither of them can know," Amanda said emphatically.
Way to trust your best friend, you absolute arsehole. Though we'd be forgiven for forgetting that she is supposed to be Jamie's best friend, as they've had very few interactions in Too Exposed and they've mostly amounted to "hello, I'm still in this fic".
"I can't tell them. It would kill them. I'm their little girl."
"It would kill my parents, too. They believe in me. Trust me!" Tony said, disgusted with himself.
This would have been a lot more effective if we'd already established that the HE-verse has a stigma on unmarried pregnancy that belongs more in 1954 than 2004, rather than the author pulling it out of thin air when it becomes relevant. Contrast this with the way the Harry Potter books set up elements of their universe which look like background detail on an initial reading but turn out to be important later on. Probably my favourite example is the offhand mention of Sirius Black in the first chapter of Philosopher's Stone: I read Prisoner of Azkaban when it came out, before the rise of online HP fandom and before I had regular internet access anyway, so until I reread PS I was like "I've seen that name before, but where?" It makes the Potterverse look like a living world; the HE-verse, on the other hand, looks like something the author is making up as he goes along and exists for the sole purpose of giving his characters a featureless plain on which to hold disembodied dialogue. Chekhov's principle works both ways, in that just as a gun seen in the first act should be fired in the third, it's better that a gun that's fired in the third act have at least some basis for being there. Especially if, to continue the analogy, the story has given every impression of being set in a world where guns don't even exist. This to me defines the difference between a legitimate twist and a shocking swerve: "I never saw that coming" is good, whereas "I couldn't possibly have seen that coming" isn't. We saw much the same thing in Hermione's Talent.
Unexpectedly, three second-year Slytherin girls turned the corner and saw Amanda and Tony hugging. The girls giggled and quickly departed.
"They saw us together," Amanda said horrified.
"But they didn't hear what we said," Tony whispered trying to calm Amanda. "Everyone knows we're going together." Pulling his arms tighter together in the hug, Tony felt safety being shared between the shaking bodies standing besides the bookcases.
And second-year girls are going to care about the private lives of two sixth-years anyway, I don't think. Even if you do buy the "they're Slytherins: of course they're going to run off and tell Dick the dick!" implication, I'm still not convinced that anyone has any good reason to be afraid of that idiot.
Amanda noticed the library was beginning to fill with students.
Somewhere in this jabberfest, the POV changed.
Then she saw Jamie enter the room.
The scene is completely without context, in that there's no indication of what time of day it is, why the library is empty and why it's suddenly refilling. Jamie's only role is to give them an excuse to end the conversation; she might as well not have been there at all.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
It was evident by their bleary eyes that neither Amanda nor Tony had gotten much sleep the previous night.
Evident to whom, precisely?
"What are we going to do?" Amanda asked desperately as they hid in the empty Charms classroom, while most of their friends ate breakfast.
"In some countries, kids our ages are already married and raising families," Tony commented, not really knowing why.
Like, you know, the one you live in.
"Could we go to one of those countries maybe?" Amanda said enthusiastically. "Maybe like Mexico?"
Why Mexico, of all places? I may be wrong, but I very much doubt any British teenager has ever thought, on learning that she's pregnant, "hey, let's go to Mexico!" as a solution to her problems. Maybe the author had just read an article about young families in Mexico. Or maybe he decided that, already having lazily stereotyped Britain and France, he might as well branch out.
"Are you crazy?"
"Don't you see?" Amanda explained. "We got to get a plan. Daddy says you should state your problem and then bring all your intellectual resources to bear."
That's a very Ravenclaw approach for this Gryffindor to be taking. Then again, Ravenclaw barely seem to exist in this fic: we've not had a single named Ravenclaw character so far, unless the blink-and-you'll-miss-it reference to Cho in Exposed counts. We'll soon have porno!Luna, of course. I know you can have a Gryffindor who the Sorting Hat considered for Ravenclaw, but Amanda has nowhere near enough characterisation to pull that off convincingly. Even if Hermione didn't already have that niche sewn up, or at least she should.
Amanda continued to ramble on as if unaware of Tony's presence.
Even the author thinks she's rambling.
Sunday, October 30, 2004
The delicious smell of baking pumpkin wafted through the corridors of Hogwarts as the students headed to the Great Hall for the Halloween feast. As they were seated, thousands of bats fluttered from the walls and ceiling and swooped over the tables in what resembled low black clouds, their movement causing the candle lit pumpkins in the hall to flicker.
Yes, you read that right. The author and his three betas, one of whom according to the endnote read it twice, all missed the fact that Halloween does not fall on the 30th October. Fail.
As the students waited impatiently for the feast to appear; Headmaster Snape moved to his feet. Immediately, the Great Hall became silent.
"I know you are all anxious to partake of another magnificent feast, so I will make this brief," Snape announced. "First I realize that it is traditional for all houses to hold rather festive parties on Halloween. I would remind you that classes are to be held as normal tomorrow. Therefore, your head of house will be checking to see that all celebrations end at a reasonable time."
A collective moan spread through the hall.
And Snape gave the perpetrators detention.
"Now, now. It's not that bad," Professor Snape went on.
Or that. I hate this fic.
"Quite a bit of merriment can be squeezed into the time between now and midnight."
Plenty of time for him to prowl the grounds and hex people for canoodling in the bushes.
The Headmaster paused for a moment. "On a happier note, I have two other announcements. Our initial Hogsmeade visit of the school year will be next Saturday. I remind you that this is only open to years three and above. Mr. Flitch will be checking that no unauthorized students try to sneak out as has happened occasionally in the past.
A meaningful glance at Harry might have been appropriate here. And "Flitch", really? I repeat: three betas, one of whom read it twice.
He will be pleased to give detention to anyone attempting to circumvent this rule.
Like he really would. The Snapewives' woobie has more of a spine than HE!Snape.
"My second announcement is that we will once again be holding a Yule Ball this year. As was the case last year, the ball will be open to students of ever year, and in order to make this year's ball somewhat different, it will be held on New Years Eve."
Then it's not a Yule Ball, is it? If it's anything, it's a New Year Ball. The Yule Ball in canon happened on the evening of Christmas Day and was a tradition associated with the Triwizard Tournament, whereas the Yule Ball in Hogwarts Exposed happened on the 27th December and was a tradition associated with the author having read the Draco Trilogy. I don't know what's with the date change then or now, especially as Hogwarts Exposed was also notable for having the chapter entitled "Christmas" skip Christmas Day entirely. Then again, we also have a Halloween feast on the 30th October.
The meal appeared abruptly on the golden plates, as it had at the start-of-term banquet. The students found themselves in rather a quandary. Many wanted to discuss the Halloween party curfew, the Hogsmeade visit and the Yule Ball, but the spread looked extremely mouth-watering. Some of the girls resisted the food and gossiped excitedly, while most of the boys allowed their stomach to do the talking as they filled their plates to the brimming with the smorgasbord of food available.
Yay sexism! And apparently it's not possible to discuss the news whilst eating, because the riveting subjects of "when the party ends" and "dates for your diary" demand absolute concentration.
Emily sat staring at the Gryffindor table wondering if Randy would invite her to the ball. She wasn't, in fact, sure she actually wanted him to. Theirs was a strange relationship that Emily had difficulty understanding. In some ways Randy treated her like a girlfriend, although they had no such understanding. At other times, he completely ignored her. For the past month, he had been mainly paying no attention to her. The odd thing about that was Emily didn't, if truth were told, especially care.
The down side, of course, was that she in all probability wouldn't get to go to the Ball if Randy didn't ask her. She wasn't acquainted with many boys in any of the other houses, and unquestionably, no Slytherin would ask her. They all treated her like she had leprosy. There was a time when she though Tyler and her might become close friends,
Tyler and her what?
but he had scarcely talked to her since it became common knowledge that she was a nudist.
Apparently, boys are less interested in her when they find out she likes to spend her spare time in the nude. This would be ridiculous even if we weren't talking about the same boys who are so obsessed with nudity that they destroyed every Daily Prophet in the school trying to magic away the censor boxes on the naked pictures of the exact same girl. Consistency. It's all I ask.
Tyler wasn't the only one not conversing with her. With the exception of the few Slytherins that had supported her on the day the picture appeared in the Prophet, most of the house shunned her. Her supporters weren't being treated nearly as badly as they originally had been, but she was definitely still considered a blight on the good name of Slytherin House.
How were they treated badly in the first place? The worst that's happened is that people they didn't like anyway didn't want to talk to them. Cut via abrupt POV shift to Hermione, who's still wangsting.
"Harry," she said, out of the blue. "Tell Severus that you'll chaperone the Yule Ball."
Harry looked at her baffled. "But you'll most likely...." He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.
"I'll most likely have been fired," she finished the sentence for him. "Just because I'll no longer be a Hogwarts professor doesn't mean I no longer want to be a part of the school," she said insistently. "We had a grand time last year until I was….
... outwitted by fucking Crabbe and Goyle of all people, kidnapped and spent the next few days in a coma, then didn't remember anything when she woke up. Oh, and lost her baby. Probably in the same plot hole that allowed it to be conceived. Happy memories!
Harry was dumbfounded. "But what about the pictures? Won't you be embarrassed to face the students if they've all seen pictures of you naked?"
Like Jamie, Caitlin and Emily are, you mean?
I have two choices. Either I become habituated to everyone staring at me like I'm some sort of slag or I spend the rest of my life brooding in our bedroom.
Apparently, everyone in the world reads "Playwizard" and/or everyone in the world is eager to see HE!Hermione with her kit off. I don't buy either of those, quite frankly.
As Harry made a move to stand, a large gray owl swooped into the Great Hall and flew in his direction. The owl landed heavily on his shoulder, as he was about to rise, and nearly caused him to topple over. "Who would be sending me an owl at this time?" He asked no one in particular, but his question was answered straight away when he looked at the envelope. Instead of a return address, there was the picture of a totally naked young woman. The words "Play", "Wizard", and "Magazine" were moving about swiftly to cover the intimate areas of her gyrating body.
Nudity: completely nonsexual!
"What does it say?" Hermione asked excitedly, hoping for a miracle, a last minute reprieve.
Harry finished reading the letter and then handed it disconsolately to Hermione.
Well, thanks for spoiling the fact that it's bad news. Now I myself am going to spoil the fact that the letter is from Luna, who's the editor of Playwizard (!) if you've not been reading the comments, because I need to in order to review the next bit.
It was good to hear from you. Six years is a long time. I regret that our reunion must be a confrontational one. I have a special fondness in my heart for you. At a time in my life when many were making jest of me behind my back, you were a true friend and treated me with respect. Because of that, I want to assure you that no naked pictures of you will be appearing in our publication either now or in the future. I have destroyed negatives of any such pictures personally.
Hermione is a different subject. Firstly, I have no great love for your wife. Although we got along, it was more a case of her putting up with me rather than friendship. I always felt she looked down her nose at me, as if I were both inferior and in fact unbalanced. Secondly, I am in an executive position and must do what is in the best interest of our publication. Advance sales indicate that, because of her pictures, our December issue will top all previous records easily.
So we're supposed to accept that Hermione looked down on Luna and that Luna is socially astute enough to have picked up on it and that she'd hold enough of a grudge years later to have no problem invading her privacy for money. Again, any one of those would be too much for me to accept.
I harbor no hatred for Hermione and sincerely regret that she will undoubtedly lose her teaching position because of our publication.
You can just tell how much she regrets it, can't you?
You asked to meet with me; I'm sure with the hope of convincing me not to go to press.
Luna can't use semicolons properly. So much for Ravenclaw.
"Hermione," Harry said cautiously. "Luna was always a little idiosyncratic, but she was never malicious. I doubt her publishing the pictures is in any way spiteful.
Did you even read the letter properly? It said in black and white (or whatever combination of ink and parchment colours Luna decided to use) that she was doing it because she resented the way Hermione acted when they were teenagers, and if that's not spiteful I don't know what is.
From her view point,
Bah. What do you know about viewpoints?
it probably simply makes good business sense."
Because when I think of good business sense, I think of one of the most unworldly characters in the entire Harry Potter canon.
"Good business sense that just happens to ruin my life," Hermione said bitterly and then shook her head disconsolately. She looked at Harry as she tried to hide the tears in her eyes from the students and other professors. "Am I being punished for being such an egotistical, know-it-all, bitch?"
"Hermione!" Harry said in shock. "You're not and you never were any such thing."
For once I'm inclined to agree. HE!Hermione doesn't have any basis for being a know-it-all (outwitted by Crabbe and Goyle, remember) and it's a little hard to be egotistical when you don't have an ego.
"Yes, I was," Hermione replied, sadly. "Maybe not purposely, but I'm sure I appeared that way to others. Luna is correct; I never tried to befriend her. I always treated her as if she was weird and I was better than her. Now she is the managing editor of a successful magazine, and I'm one of the slags appearing in it."
The author's approach to Britpicking since his actual Britpicker left after the first chapter of the first fic is to occasionally find a slang word to throw in and run into the ground from overuse. A few chapters ago it was "tart"; now it's "slag". Having said that, the latter is actually quite an apt word for Hogwarts Exposed: its other meaning is the leftovers when you've removed everything worthwhile from a source material.
"Hermione, you are not a slag."
Except in the aforementioned sense.
Harry said tersely and then hesitated. "And neither, I'm sure, are many of the other girls that appear in the magazine. We shouldn't be so quick to judge. It makes us no better than many of the bigots in our world."
Harry has apparently given a lot of consideration to the ethics and morality of attitudes towards the porn industry and the people involved in it. I don't know when he's had the cause or opportunity to do this before now, so once again it appears to come from nowhere with the added annoyance of looking like a detour into PSA Hell.
"Your right; it's just that I'm so .... Harry, I'm going to go have a lie down," Hermione said inconsolably. "Please remember to ask about chaperoning."
Harry said nothing, but only watched as Hermione left the table and headed for their quarters. No simple words could console her.
Yes, that's what "inconsolably" means.
Jamie and Caitlin had been involved in conversation, not noticing the happenings at the staff table. They, after all, were young girls and, for the moment, had forgotten the tribulations of their parents as they excitedly talked of the evening's party and the much anticipated Yule Ball.
A fairly clumsy transition, but at least we had a scene break before the POV shifted.
"I thought we agreed that we weren't even going to attend," Jamie said rather flustered. "I haven't even thought about a costume."
They don't seem to have Halloween costumes in the Potterverse, but I suppose when your regular costume is a black robe (a fact this author and others seem to forget a lot) there's not quite so much need to find something else.
"Me either, but I know what I wish we could wear," Caitlin suggested, rather unhappily. "The same costume we had on at the end of last year's party."
Fuck's sake, can you talk about nothing else?
"But by the end of the party we were...." Jamie hesitated. "I think that was the greatest evening of my life. I felt so free and comfortable and so loved. Everybody in Gryffindor House had accepted us for what we were, naturists."
"And for a full year not one of them disclosed our secret. They had even encouraged us to stay nude all the time if we desired." Caitlin reminisced.
There are good ways of reminding the audience what happened in a previous story. See the Harry Potter books themselves for many examples. You'll notice that we never see a "hey, do you remember when this happened?" conversation, because this is not a good way.
"And most of them were suggesting it out of kindheartedness and consideration, not like the perverts now that just want the opportunity to ogle at us naked.
They want this opportunity so much that they refuse to have anything to do with them. Because that makes sense. If they really wanted the opportunity to ogle them naked, they'd have been asked out on at least one prank date by now.
Unfortunately we can't do that; we promised Hermione we wouldn't let all the others see us naked again in the common room," Jamie said, rather sad, wishing she could, in fact, relive the previous Halloween.
As, I'm sure, does the author.
Caitlin's eyes suddenly lit up. "I have an idea," she said excitedly as she whispered it in Jamie's ear.
She didn't say "I have an idea" as she whispered the idea in Jamie's ear, for what should be obvious reasons. And we're not going to find out what the plan is, despite the fact that the POV character knows it, so once again the author is interposing himself between the reader and the story for the sake of a very weak and artificial suspense. In the unlikely event that you haven't already worked it out, it's the concealment charm.
"Look! Kim and Emily are leaving the Great Hall," Caitlin said excitedly.
This is the first indication we get that Kim was even in this scene. I'm not convinced that this needed to be conveyed through dialogue.
"I'm sure we'd have more fun at your party, but it would just drive a deeper wedge between us and the balance of the Slytherins.
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 36
Caitlin had an extremely disappointed look on her face, but understood Emily's reasoning.
If we're in her POV, then describe how she feels rather than what expression an outside observer can see on her face. If we're not, then there's no basis for saying that she understood. "Seemed to understand" would be fine there; better would be a description of what about her reaction led the POV character to that conclusion.
"Guess what Jamie and I are going to wear to the party?" Caitlin asked, a devilish expression covering her face.
Emily shrugged her shoulders, not having the slightest idea what to guess.
Isn't it blatantly obvious?
"We're going to wear the concealment charm," Caitlin said breathlessly.
Indeed it is.
Kim's jaw hung open in shock as Emily looked to Jamie for conformation. Jamie nodded her head sheepishly.
"You're going to the party nude?" Kim asked, horror-struck. "But what if somebody touches you or asks you to dance?"
"Then they'll see us naked," Caitlin responded, seemingly thrilled at the prospect.
Being a naturist is not being an exhibitionist, you know.
"Oh! Did I forget to tell you," Emily said straight faced. "I thought it would be fun if you and I streaked the Slytherin party tonight."
Kim's face turned white and she looked at Emily, aghast.
Before anyone could speak, Emily erupted in laughter and hugged her friend. "Kim, you're so easy."
Oh, you. Will the hilarity never cease.
Matt gently slipped Caitlin's hand into his. "I don't want to assume anything or take the chance of someone else asking you before me," he said extremely nervous. "Will you go to the Yule Ball with me?"
Caitlin squeezed Matt's hand tightly. "You bet I will," she said and then kissed him on the cheek.
Well, so much for conflict.
Emily smiled as she watched Caitlin kiss Matt and then glanced toward Randy. This was his golden opportunity to ask her, but Randy wasn't looking at her. Instead, he seemed to be attentively watching Kim, who seemed aware of this and was blushing.
Realization struck Emily. Randy was smitten with Kim and evidently Kim liked Randy in return. That's why she was so concerned about what he thought of her pubic grooming habits.
Somehow, I don't think that's even in the top hundred of issues for adolescent boys asking girls to the ball. Even ones who might as well be called "Desperate for a Shag". Anyway, back in Gryffindor Tower:
"Matt, when they start playing music, are you going to dance with me?" Caitlin asked with a very guilty appearance on her face.
"A little, if you want," he said shyly. "You know I'm not the greatest dancer. Besides, you girls usually end up dancing together most of the night."
"Not to the slow numbers," Caitlin, corrected him pleasantly. "I was sort of hoping you'd dance most of those with me. I like when you hold me. Besides, I have a little surprise for everyone that embraces me tonight."
Caitlin in this scene is effectively a flasher.
"What's that?" Matt asked rather unconcernedly as he watched a number of his mates playing exploding snap.
"Give me a hug and I'll show you," she said a devilish grin covering her entire face.
"Here, in front of all the house members?" Matt asked rather taken aback.
"Just a little hug," Caitlin whispered encouragingly, a devilish grin gripping the sides of her mouth "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.".
Matt placed his arm gently around Caitlin waist, but even before he had drawn her close, it happened. He was suddenly standing in the middle of the Gryffindor common room holding a totally naked Caitlin.
"The charm!" He said with revelation. "You're wearing nothing but the concealment charm." He backed slightly away so that he could take all of her in, but continued to firmly hold her hand.
Any impact this might have had was lost because we'd already been told she was using the concealment charm. It would have been better to skip the previous scene altogether and go straight here. That would be an example of a legitimate twist as I discussed before, because the existence and effects of the concealment charm have been established. And, you know, acknowledge that her behaviour basically amounts to sexual harassment.
"You're stunning," he said. "I'm definitely going to cling to you the balance of the evening."
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 37
The Slytherin Halloween party was nearing an end when Tony finally worked up the nerve to approach Bancroft. He detested him but also needed his help.
This is supposed to show us how desperate he is, but really it shows him to be a complete idiot.
"Dick, do you have a moment?" Tony asked. It was extremely difficult to ask help from this arrogant bastard, but he was desperate. "I have something important I have to ask you."
"It must be important for you to get off your Gryffindor loving high-horse and come to me," Bancroft responded superciliously.
"Dick, you're the last person I want to ask for help," Tony said candidly, "but frantic people are sometimes forced into unseemly affiliations. Can you for once in your miserable life not be an insufferable git and help some one who is desperate?"
Dick studied Tony carefully realizing that Tony must indeed be desperate to come to him for aid. He liked dealing with distressed people. They gave compromising information so freely.
I think we get that he's desperate. There's no reason to pop into Dick the dick's POV to hammer it home further. Anyway, they go to the dorm and Tony practically beats the information out of Dick:
"You're not stupid, are you Dick. You know everything. Know all the answers. Who is he, tell me?"
"I can't," Bancroft wheezed. "I was lying."
"You were lying?" Tony released his grip on Bancroft as a look of desperation crossed his face. "Why?"
"I don't know, maybe I have a big-shot complex," Bancroft said, for once being honest. "I never helped the guy, I just heard about it."
Or at least tries to.
"No! No, I won't say anything." Dick said sincerely, acting completely out of character.
A character acting OOC, such as Dick not being a dick, can be a good way to show the reader that Shit Just Got Real™. On the other hand, actually telling the reader that this is what you're doing is just plain insulting.
"Why don't you take her to one of those Muggle abortion clinics?"
Yes, people, this is actually happening. To be honest, there's nothing I can say about this author trying to tackle the issue of abortion that Doug Walker's Breaking Dawn rant didn't say better.
"And just how do you propose we get to London," Tony said, frustration filling his voice. "Ask the Headmaster for a day pass and train tickets."
Why not? HE!Snape is a pushover.
"No," Dick said staring at Tony. "I don't imagine someone like you could. Look! You didn't hear this from me, but I understand there is a guy in Hogsmeade that will help with such problems.
When you've got back-alley abortions in Hogsmeade, it might be time to ask yourself if your take on the Potterverse has gone past grimdark into the realms of self-parodic schlock. It's not quite as ridiculous as Mundungus Fletcher the child trafficker, but it's up there. We rejoin Emily and Kim not a moment too soon. And I never thought I'd say that.
At eight o'clock they decided to join everyone else in the common room hoping to inconspicuously blend in with the others. Ever since the infamous picture had appeared in the Daily Prophet, Emily's ability to do anything discreetly, unfortunately, had seemed to vanish.
It was never there in the first place.
She had no more than entered the common room when Dennis Crow yelled out. "Shucks Zacherley,
Dennis Crow is a cowboy, apparently. If you recall, he's Dick the dick's henchman. We first saw him in Chapter 23 of Exposed, when he and Dick spied the nudists running around the Quidditch pitch, stole their robes (which the author for once remembered were robes), tried to set them up, got outwitted and everyone promptly forgot that anything had ever happened.
I was counting on you wearing your birthday suit as a costume tonight," he said sarcastically while actually sounding rather let down. "Isn't that what your sister did last Halloween. Hardly seems fair that she gave those Gryffindor blokes a show and you won't give us one."
She already has, but as I said, Chapter 23 of Exposed seems to have been forgotten by everyone involved. The only purpose it seemed to serve was to give Hermione an excuse to teach the girls the concealment charm, which she'd been planning to do anyway.
After three hours, Emily had become extremely bored. She told Kim that she was going to go to bed, but Kim begged her to stick around for a little longer. She had no idea why Kim wanted to linger (she didn't seem to be having a fabulous time either), but Emily agreed to hang around a little longer. Five minutes later she was glad she had.
Emily had just caught Tyler looking in her direction again, but this time when they both looked to see if Dick Bancroft had noticed, they saw Tyler's brother headed toward his dorm with Tony Marburger.
Why is this scene after the one with Tony and Dick if it starts three hours before?
As if planned, the music turned soft and slow. Tyler got an 'it's now or never' expression on his face and started walking toward where Emily was seated. She sat nervously waiting, hoping he wouldn't lose his nerve. He didn't.
"May I have this dance," Tyler asked politely.
"I was hoping you'd ask," Emily answered sweetly as she stood and held her hand out to Tyler's. "Try not to look too shocked when you take my hand."
Tyler was confused by Emily's remark, but once he grasped her hand he understood completely. Emily's clothing completely melted away and Tyler found himself holding the hand of a quite attractive, quite naked young girl. "Wow!" was the only word he could muster, but it aptly described his present feelings.
The boys of the HEverse are very blasé about girls flashing them, it has to be said. At least Matt had the excuse of already knowing about the concealment charm and the fact that Caitlin was using it. As far as Tyler is concerned, Emily's robes have just vanished completely in front of the entire house.
"I know you have difficulty understanding it, but I'm totally at ease nude. I'd be happy if I could go through the balance of my life never having clothing touch my skin again."
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 38
"I think you'd get rather cold in the winter," Tyler said. The thought of Emily standing naked in a snowstorm made him shiver for more than one reason.
"You'd be surprised," Emily answered. "I remember Jamie and me playing naked once in the snow. It was only at our parents insistence that we came inside."
The author can't seem to make his mind up whether naked people get cold or not, because apparently there's a scene later on that dwells on how terrible it is to be naked in a cold place.
"You are incredible," Tyler said, beaming.
Let us all worship at the feet of the almighty Sue.
Every since the initiation, he hadn't been able to get her out of his mind. At first he thought it was merely because he had seen her naked; a little thing like that has a tendency to make a lasting impression.
See, that's where you use a semicolon rather than the comma the author originally put there.
Later he realized it was much more than that. It was her total attitude, how she was so self-confident, but not the least bit cocky or conceded.
Emily would never concede anything.
She seemed perfect, almost too good to be true.
Which is about the least controversial definition of a Mary Sue there is.
Then Tyler's dream was shattered. Dennis Crow was looking at him with an evil grin. His brother would know about him dancing with Emily before the evening was over. There would be hell to pay.
Dick the dick, who's only the third most ineffectual bully in Hogwarts Exposed because Denise and Janice exist. Except in this scene. Tyler must be quaking in his boots.
We begin, however, just over a week before Halloween. He's doing his old trick of overlapping chapters again, cutting off the scene in the previous chapter just before we find out such trifling details as who these people are anyway.
He had waited outside in the hall for her to leave the common room; finally at last she was alone. Why was she avoiding him? He felt that they had a wonderful relationship and had always thought she sensed the same. Yet ever since they had been intimate, things seemed different. She had agreed, actually seemed to be just as eager as him, but the impression she gave now was of distance not intimacy. She appeared to circumvent being alone with him, even avoided talking to him whenever possible.
The boy remained out of sight, as he followed her down steep staircases and through long corridors. Finally he saw her enter the library. He was about to corner her; finally they would talk. At last he would learn why she was steering clear of him.
If these were new characters, this might work as an introduction. Except that even then we'd reasonably expect the POV character's name to be given, unless there's some specific reason not to. As they're not new characters, this whole charade is pretty pointless except to set up the most artificial suspense ever. Now "OMG who is it?" can be an effective cliffhanger (see, again, "it wasn't even Voldemort") but not when the "who" is the person whose eyes we're seeing the scene through. It reads like the author is interposing himself between us and the story, which draws attention to the fact that there is an author and makes it harder to lose ourselves in the story. Admittedly, for Hogwarts Exposed this might not be such a bad thing.
"Pregnant," Tony said aghast, "but we did everything to avoid that happening?"
"Evidently, not everything," Amanda replied miserably.
Including the failsafe and hassle-free magical contraception that's been established as part of the HE-verse. And despite having failsafe and hassle-free magical contraception, two of the three pregnancies we've seen so far were totally unplanned and the balance other one could have been too.
Tony shook his head; this couldn't be happening. "You ought to see someone to be sure," he said, nervously.
"I am sure," Amanda answered, distressed. "Besides, I can't go to Pomfrey."
Well, naturally. It's not like it's her job to look after the health of Hogwarts students or anything like that.
"What about Caitlin? She's a hyperempath; she'd be able to tell," Tony suggested.
"And the first person she'd tell is Jamie and then they'd both run to Professor Granger. Neither of them can know," Amanda said emphatically.
Way to trust your best friend, you absolute arsehole. Though we'd be forgiven for forgetting that she is supposed to be Jamie's best friend, as they've had very few interactions in Too Exposed and they've mostly amounted to "hello, I'm still in this fic".
"I can't tell them. It would kill them. I'm their little girl."
"It would kill my parents, too. They believe in me. Trust me!" Tony said, disgusted with himself.
This would have been a lot more effective if we'd already established that the HE-verse has a stigma on unmarried pregnancy that belongs more in 1954 than 2004, rather than the author pulling it out of thin air when it becomes relevant. Contrast this with the way the Harry Potter books set up elements of their universe which look like background detail on an initial reading but turn out to be important later on. Probably my favourite example is the offhand mention of Sirius Black in the first chapter of Philosopher's Stone: I read Prisoner of Azkaban when it came out, before the rise of online HP fandom and before I had regular internet access anyway, so until I reread PS I was like "I've seen that name before, but where?" It makes the Potterverse look like a living world; the HE-verse, on the other hand, looks like something the author is making up as he goes along and exists for the sole purpose of giving his characters a featureless plain on which to hold disembodied dialogue. Chekhov's principle works both ways, in that just as a gun seen in the first act should be fired in the third, it's better that a gun that's fired in the third act have at least some basis for being there. Especially if, to continue the analogy, the story has given every impression of being set in a world where guns don't even exist. This to me defines the difference between a legitimate twist and a shocking swerve: "I never saw that coming" is good, whereas "I couldn't possibly have seen that coming" isn't. We saw much the same thing in Hermione's Talent.
Unexpectedly, three second-year Slytherin girls turned the corner and saw Amanda and Tony hugging. The girls giggled and quickly departed.
"They saw us together," Amanda said horrified.
"But they didn't hear what we said," Tony whispered trying to calm Amanda. "Everyone knows we're going together." Pulling his arms tighter together in the hug, Tony felt safety being shared between the shaking bodies standing besides the bookcases.
And second-year girls are going to care about the private lives of two sixth-years anyway, I don't think. Even if you do buy the "they're Slytherins: of course they're going to run off and tell Dick the dick!" implication, I'm still not convinced that anyone has any good reason to be afraid of that idiot.
Amanda noticed the library was beginning to fill with students.
Somewhere in this jabberfest, the POV changed.
Then she saw Jamie enter the room.
The scene is completely without context, in that there's no indication of what time of day it is, why the library is empty and why it's suddenly refilling. Jamie's only role is to give them an excuse to end the conversation; she might as well not have been there at all.
Saturday, October 23, 2004
It was evident by their bleary eyes that neither Amanda nor Tony had gotten much sleep the previous night.
Evident to whom, precisely?
"What are we going to do?" Amanda asked desperately as they hid in the empty Charms classroom, while most of their friends ate breakfast.
"In some countries, kids our ages are already married and raising families," Tony commented, not really knowing why.
Like, you know, the one you live in.
"Could we go to one of those countries maybe?" Amanda said enthusiastically. "Maybe like Mexico?"
Why Mexico, of all places? I may be wrong, but I very much doubt any British teenager has ever thought, on learning that she's pregnant, "hey, let's go to Mexico!" as a solution to her problems. Maybe the author had just read an article about young families in Mexico. Or maybe he decided that, already having lazily stereotyped Britain and France, he might as well branch out.
"Are you crazy?"
"Don't you see?" Amanda explained. "We got to get a plan. Daddy says you should state your problem and then bring all your intellectual resources to bear."
That's a very Ravenclaw approach for this Gryffindor to be taking. Then again, Ravenclaw barely seem to exist in this fic: we've not had a single named Ravenclaw character so far, unless the blink-and-you'll-miss-it reference to Cho in Exposed counts. We'll soon have porno!Luna, of course. I know you can have a Gryffindor who the Sorting Hat considered for Ravenclaw, but Amanda has nowhere near enough characterisation to pull that off convincingly. Even if Hermione didn't already have that niche sewn up, or at least she should.
Amanda continued to ramble on as if unaware of Tony's presence.
Even the author thinks she's rambling.
Sunday, October 30, 2004
The delicious smell of baking pumpkin wafted through the corridors of Hogwarts as the students headed to the Great Hall for the Halloween feast. As they were seated, thousands of bats fluttered from the walls and ceiling and swooped over the tables in what resembled low black clouds, their movement causing the candle lit pumpkins in the hall to flicker.
Yes, you read that right. The author and his three betas, one of whom according to the endnote read it twice, all missed the fact that Halloween does not fall on the 30th October. Fail.
As the students waited impatiently for the feast to appear; Headmaster Snape moved to his feet. Immediately, the Great Hall became silent.
"I know you are all anxious to partake of another magnificent feast, so I will make this brief," Snape announced. "First I realize that it is traditional for all houses to hold rather festive parties on Halloween. I would remind you that classes are to be held as normal tomorrow. Therefore, your head of house will be checking to see that all celebrations end at a reasonable time."
A collective moan spread through the hall.
And Snape gave the perpetrators detention.
"Now, now. It's not that bad," Professor Snape went on.
Or that. I hate this fic.
"Quite a bit of merriment can be squeezed into the time between now and midnight."
Plenty of time for him to prowl the grounds and hex people for canoodling in the bushes.
The Headmaster paused for a moment. "On a happier note, I have two other announcements. Our initial Hogsmeade visit of the school year will be next Saturday. I remind you that this is only open to years three and above. Mr. Flitch will be checking that no unauthorized students try to sneak out as has happened occasionally in the past.
A meaningful glance at Harry might have been appropriate here. And "Flitch", really? I repeat: three betas, one of whom read it twice.
He will be pleased to give detention to anyone attempting to circumvent this rule.
Like he really would. The Snapewives' woobie has more of a spine than HE!Snape.
"My second announcement is that we will once again be holding a Yule Ball this year. As was the case last year, the ball will be open to students of ever year, and in order to make this year's ball somewhat different, it will be held on New Years Eve."
Then it's not a Yule Ball, is it? If it's anything, it's a New Year Ball. The Yule Ball in canon happened on the evening of Christmas Day and was a tradition associated with the Triwizard Tournament, whereas the Yule Ball in Hogwarts Exposed happened on the 27th December and was a tradition associated with the author having read the Draco Trilogy. I don't know what's with the date change then or now, especially as Hogwarts Exposed was also notable for having the chapter entitled "Christmas" skip Christmas Day entirely. Then again, we also have a Halloween feast on the 30th October.
The meal appeared abruptly on the golden plates, as it had at the start-of-term banquet. The students found themselves in rather a quandary. Many wanted to discuss the Halloween party curfew, the Hogsmeade visit and the Yule Ball, but the spread looked extremely mouth-watering. Some of the girls resisted the food and gossiped excitedly, while most of the boys allowed their stomach to do the talking as they filled their plates to the brimming with the smorgasbord of food available.
Yay sexism! And apparently it's not possible to discuss the news whilst eating, because the riveting subjects of "when the party ends" and "dates for your diary" demand absolute concentration.
Emily sat staring at the Gryffindor table wondering if Randy would invite her to the ball. She wasn't, in fact, sure she actually wanted him to. Theirs was a strange relationship that Emily had difficulty understanding. In some ways Randy treated her like a girlfriend, although they had no such understanding. At other times, he completely ignored her. For the past month, he had been mainly paying no attention to her. The odd thing about that was Emily didn't, if truth were told, especially care.
The down side, of course, was that she in all probability wouldn't get to go to the Ball if Randy didn't ask her. She wasn't acquainted with many boys in any of the other houses, and unquestionably, no Slytherin would ask her. They all treated her like she had leprosy. There was a time when she though Tyler and her might become close friends,
Tyler and her what?
but he had scarcely talked to her since it became common knowledge that she was a nudist.
Apparently, boys are less interested in her when they find out she likes to spend her spare time in the nude. This would be ridiculous even if we weren't talking about the same boys who are so obsessed with nudity that they destroyed every Daily Prophet in the school trying to magic away the censor boxes on the naked pictures of the exact same girl. Consistency. It's all I ask.
Tyler wasn't the only one not conversing with her. With the exception of the few Slytherins that had supported her on the day the picture appeared in the Prophet, most of the house shunned her. Her supporters weren't being treated nearly as badly as they originally had been, but she was definitely still considered a blight on the good name of Slytherin House.
How were they treated badly in the first place? The worst that's happened is that people they didn't like anyway didn't want to talk to them. Cut via abrupt POV shift to Hermione, who's still wangsting.
"Harry," she said, out of the blue. "Tell Severus that you'll chaperone the Yule Ball."
Harry looked at her baffled. "But you'll most likely...." He couldn't bring himself to finish the sentence.
"I'll most likely have been fired," she finished the sentence for him. "Just because I'll no longer be a Hogwarts professor doesn't mean I no longer want to be a part of the school," she said insistently. "We had a grand time last year until I was….
... outwitted by fucking Crabbe and Goyle of all people, kidnapped and spent the next few days in a coma, then didn't remember anything when she woke up. Oh, and lost her baby. Probably in the same plot hole that allowed it to be conceived. Happy memories!
Harry was dumbfounded. "But what about the pictures? Won't you be embarrassed to face the students if they've all seen pictures of you naked?"
Like Jamie, Caitlin and Emily are, you mean?
I have two choices. Either I become habituated to everyone staring at me like I'm some sort of slag or I spend the rest of my life brooding in our bedroom.
Apparently, everyone in the world reads "Playwizard" and/or everyone in the world is eager to see HE!Hermione with her kit off. I don't buy either of those, quite frankly.
As Harry made a move to stand, a large gray owl swooped into the Great Hall and flew in his direction. The owl landed heavily on his shoulder, as he was about to rise, and nearly caused him to topple over. "Who would be sending me an owl at this time?" He asked no one in particular, but his question was answered straight away when he looked at the envelope. Instead of a return address, there was the picture of a totally naked young woman. The words "Play", "Wizard", and "Magazine" were moving about swiftly to cover the intimate areas of her gyrating body.
Nudity: completely nonsexual!
"What does it say?" Hermione asked excitedly, hoping for a miracle, a last minute reprieve.
Harry finished reading the letter and then handed it disconsolately to Hermione.
Well, thanks for spoiling the fact that it's bad news. Now I myself am going to spoil the fact that the letter is from Luna, who's the editor of Playwizard (!) if you've not been reading the comments, because I need to in order to review the next bit.
It was good to hear from you. Six years is a long time. I regret that our reunion must be a confrontational one. I have a special fondness in my heart for you. At a time in my life when many were making jest of me behind my back, you were a true friend and treated me with respect. Because of that, I want to assure you that no naked pictures of you will be appearing in our publication either now or in the future. I have destroyed negatives of any such pictures personally.
Hermione is a different subject. Firstly, I have no great love for your wife. Although we got along, it was more a case of her putting up with me rather than friendship. I always felt she looked down her nose at me, as if I were both inferior and in fact unbalanced. Secondly, I am in an executive position and must do what is in the best interest of our publication. Advance sales indicate that, because of her pictures, our December issue will top all previous records easily.
So we're supposed to accept that Hermione looked down on Luna and that Luna is socially astute enough to have picked up on it and that she'd hold enough of a grudge years later to have no problem invading her privacy for money. Again, any one of those would be too much for me to accept.
I harbor no hatred for Hermione and sincerely regret that she will undoubtedly lose her teaching position because of our publication.
You can just tell how much she regrets it, can't you?
You asked to meet with me; I'm sure with the hope of convincing me not to go to press.
Luna can't use semicolons properly. So much for Ravenclaw.
"Hermione," Harry said cautiously. "Luna was always a little idiosyncratic, but she was never malicious. I doubt her publishing the pictures is in any way spiteful.
Did you even read the letter properly? It said in black and white (or whatever combination of ink and parchment colours Luna decided to use) that she was doing it because she resented the way Hermione acted when they were teenagers, and if that's not spiteful I don't know what is.
From her view point,
Bah. What do you know about viewpoints?
it probably simply makes good business sense."
Because when I think of good business sense, I think of one of the most unworldly characters in the entire Harry Potter canon.
"Good business sense that just happens to ruin my life," Hermione said bitterly and then shook her head disconsolately. She looked at Harry as she tried to hide the tears in her eyes from the students and other professors. "Am I being punished for being such an egotistical, know-it-all, bitch?"
"Hermione!" Harry said in shock. "You're not and you never were any such thing."
For once I'm inclined to agree. HE!Hermione doesn't have any basis for being a know-it-all (outwitted by Crabbe and Goyle, remember) and it's a little hard to be egotistical when you don't have an ego.
"Yes, I was," Hermione replied, sadly. "Maybe not purposely, but I'm sure I appeared that way to others. Luna is correct; I never tried to befriend her. I always treated her as if she was weird and I was better than her. Now she is the managing editor of a successful magazine, and I'm one of the slags appearing in it."
The author's approach to Britpicking since his actual Britpicker left after the first chapter of the first fic is to occasionally find a slang word to throw in and run into the ground from overuse. A few chapters ago it was "tart"; now it's "slag". Having said that, the latter is actually quite an apt word for Hogwarts Exposed: its other meaning is the leftovers when you've removed everything worthwhile from a source material.
"Hermione, you are not a slag."
Except in the aforementioned sense.
Harry said tersely and then hesitated. "And neither, I'm sure, are many of the other girls that appear in the magazine. We shouldn't be so quick to judge. It makes us no better than many of the bigots in our world."
Harry has apparently given a lot of consideration to the ethics and morality of attitudes towards the porn industry and the people involved in it. I don't know when he's had the cause or opportunity to do this before now, so once again it appears to come from nowhere with the added annoyance of looking like a detour into PSA Hell.
"Your right; it's just that I'm so .... Harry, I'm going to go have a lie down," Hermione said inconsolably. "Please remember to ask about chaperoning."
Harry said nothing, but only watched as Hermione left the table and headed for their quarters. No simple words could console her.
Yes, that's what "inconsolably" means.
Jamie and Caitlin had been involved in conversation, not noticing the happenings at the staff table. They, after all, were young girls and, for the moment, had forgotten the tribulations of their parents as they excitedly talked of the evening's party and the much anticipated Yule Ball.
A fairly clumsy transition, but at least we had a scene break before the POV shifted.
"I thought we agreed that we weren't even going to attend," Jamie said rather flustered. "I haven't even thought about a costume."
They don't seem to have Halloween costumes in the Potterverse, but I suppose when your regular costume is a black robe (a fact this author and others seem to forget a lot) there's not quite so much need to find something else.
"Me either, but I know what I wish we could wear," Caitlin suggested, rather unhappily. "The same costume we had on at the end of last year's party."
Fuck's sake, can you talk about nothing else?
"But by the end of the party we were...." Jamie hesitated. "I think that was the greatest evening of my life. I felt so free and comfortable and so loved. Everybody in Gryffindor House had accepted us for what we were, naturists."
"And for a full year not one of them disclosed our secret. They had even encouraged us to stay nude all the time if we desired." Caitlin reminisced.
There are good ways of reminding the audience what happened in a previous story. See the Harry Potter books themselves for many examples. You'll notice that we never see a "hey, do you remember when this happened?" conversation, because this is not a good way.
"And most of them were suggesting it out of kindheartedness and consideration, not like the perverts now that just want the opportunity to ogle at us naked.
They want this opportunity so much that they refuse to have anything to do with them. Because that makes sense. If they really wanted the opportunity to ogle them naked, they'd have been asked out on at least one prank date by now.
Unfortunately we can't do that; we promised Hermione we wouldn't let all the others see us naked again in the common room," Jamie said, rather sad, wishing she could, in fact, relive the previous Halloween.
As, I'm sure, does the author.
Caitlin's eyes suddenly lit up. "I have an idea," she said excitedly as she whispered it in Jamie's ear.
She didn't say "I have an idea" as she whispered the idea in Jamie's ear, for what should be obvious reasons. And we're not going to find out what the plan is, despite the fact that the POV character knows it, so once again the author is interposing himself between the reader and the story for the sake of a very weak and artificial suspense. In the unlikely event that you haven't already worked it out, it's the concealment charm.
"Look! Kim and Emily are leaving the Great Hall," Caitlin said excitedly.
This is the first indication we get that Kim was even in this scene. I'm not convinced that this needed to be conveyed through dialogue.
"I'm sure we'd have more fun at your party, but it would just drive a deeper wedge between us and the balance of the Slytherins.
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 36
Caitlin had an extremely disappointed look on her face, but understood Emily's reasoning.
If we're in her POV, then describe how she feels rather than what expression an outside observer can see on her face. If we're not, then there's no basis for saying that she understood. "Seemed to understand" would be fine there; better would be a description of what about her reaction led the POV character to that conclusion.
"Guess what Jamie and I are going to wear to the party?" Caitlin asked, a devilish expression covering her face.
Emily shrugged her shoulders, not having the slightest idea what to guess.
Isn't it blatantly obvious?
"We're going to wear the concealment charm," Caitlin said breathlessly.
Indeed it is.
Kim's jaw hung open in shock as Emily looked to Jamie for conformation. Jamie nodded her head sheepishly.
"You're going to the party nude?" Kim asked, horror-struck. "But what if somebody touches you or asks you to dance?"
"Then they'll see us naked," Caitlin responded, seemingly thrilled at the prospect.
Being a naturist is not being an exhibitionist, you know.
"Oh! Did I forget to tell you," Emily said straight faced. "I thought it would be fun if you and I streaked the Slytherin party tonight."
Kim's face turned white and she looked at Emily, aghast.
Before anyone could speak, Emily erupted in laughter and hugged her friend. "Kim, you're so easy."
Oh, you. Will the hilarity never cease.
Matt gently slipped Caitlin's hand into his. "I don't want to assume anything or take the chance of someone else asking you before me," he said extremely nervous. "Will you go to the Yule Ball with me?"
Caitlin squeezed Matt's hand tightly. "You bet I will," she said and then kissed him on the cheek.
Well, so much for conflict.
Emily smiled as she watched Caitlin kiss Matt and then glanced toward Randy. This was his golden opportunity to ask her, but Randy wasn't looking at her. Instead, he seemed to be attentively watching Kim, who seemed aware of this and was blushing.
Realization struck Emily. Randy was smitten with Kim and evidently Kim liked Randy in return. That's why she was so concerned about what he thought of her pubic grooming habits.
Somehow, I don't think that's even in the top hundred of issues for adolescent boys asking girls to the ball. Even ones who might as well be called "Desperate for a Shag". Anyway, back in Gryffindor Tower:
"Matt, when they start playing music, are you going to dance with me?" Caitlin asked with a very guilty appearance on her face.
"A little, if you want," he said shyly. "You know I'm not the greatest dancer. Besides, you girls usually end up dancing together most of the night."
"Not to the slow numbers," Caitlin, corrected him pleasantly. "I was sort of hoping you'd dance most of those with me. I like when you hold me. Besides, I have a little surprise for everyone that embraces me tonight."
Caitlin in this scene is effectively a flasher.
"What's that?" Matt asked rather unconcernedly as he watched a number of his mates playing exploding snap.
"Give me a hug and I'll show you," she said a devilish grin covering her entire face.
"Here, in front of all the house members?" Matt asked rather taken aback.
"Just a little hug," Caitlin whispered encouragingly, a devilish grin gripping the sides of her mouth "I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.".
Matt placed his arm gently around Caitlin waist, but even before he had drawn her close, it happened. He was suddenly standing in the middle of the Gryffindor common room holding a totally naked Caitlin.
"The charm!" He said with revelation. "You're wearing nothing but the concealment charm." He backed slightly away so that he could take all of her in, but continued to firmly hold her hand.
Any impact this might have had was lost because we'd already been told she was using the concealment charm. It would have been better to skip the previous scene altogether and go straight here. That would be an example of a legitimate twist as I discussed before, because the existence and effects of the concealment charm have been established. And, you know, acknowledge that her behaviour basically amounts to sexual harassment.
"You're stunning," he said. "I'm definitely going to cling to you the balance of the evening."
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 37
The Slytherin Halloween party was nearing an end when Tony finally worked up the nerve to approach Bancroft. He detested him but also needed his help.
This is supposed to show us how desperate he is, but really it shows him to be a complete idiot.
"Dick, do you have a moment?" Tony asked. It was extremely difficult to ask help from this arrogant bastard, but he was desperate. "I have something important I have to ask you."
"It must be important for you to get off your Gryffindor loving high-horse and come to me," Bancroft responded superciliously.
"Dick, you're the last person I want to ask for help," Tony said candidly, "but frantic people are sometimes forced into unseemly affiliations. Can you for once in your miserable life not be an insufferable git and help some one who is desperate?"
Dick studied Tony carefully realizing that Tony must indeed be desperate to come to him for aid. He liked dealing with distressed people. They gave compromising information so freely.
I think we get that he's desperate. There's no reason to pop into Dick the dick's POV to hammer it home further. Anyway, they go to the dorm and Tony practically beats the information out of Dick:
"You're not stupid, are you Dick. You know everything. Know all the answers. Who is he, tell me?"
"I can't," Bancroft wheezed. "I was lying."
"You were lying?" Tony released his grip on Bancroft as a look of desperation crossed his face. "Why?"
"I don't know, maybe I have a big-shot complex," Bancroft said, for once being honest. "I never helped the guy, I just heard about it."
Or at least tries to.
"No! No, I won't say anything." Dick said sincerely, acting completely out of character.
A character acting OOC, such as Dick not being a dick, can be a good way to show the reader that Shit Just Got Real™. On the other hand, actually telling the reader that this is what you're doing is just plain insulting.
"Why don't you take her to one of those Muggle abortion clinics?"
Yes, people, this is actually happening. To be honest, there's nothing I can say about this author trying to tackle the issue of abortion that Doug Walker's Breaking Dawn rant didn't say better.
"And just how do you propose we get to London," Tony said, frustration filling his voice. "Ask the Headmaster for a day pass and train tickets."
Why not? HE!Snape is a pushover.
"No," Dick said staring at Tony. "I don't imagine someone like you could. Look! You didn't hear this from me, but I understand there is a guy in Hogsmeade that will help with such problems.
When you've got back-alley abortions in Hogsmeade, it might be time to ask yourself if your take on the Potterverse has gone past grimdark into the realms of self-parodic schlock. It's not quite as ridiculous as Mundungus Fletcher the child trafficker, but it's up there. We rejoin Emily and Kim not a moment too soon. And I never thought I'd say that.
At eight o'clock they decided to join everyone else in the common room hoping to inconspicuously blend in with the others. Ever since the infamous picture had appeared in the Daily Prophet, Emily's ability to do anything discreetly, unfortunately, had seemed to vanish.
It was never there in the first place.
She had no more than entered the common room when Dennis Crow yelled out. "Shucks Zacherley,
Dennis Crow is a cowboy, apparently. If you recall, he's Dick the dick's henchman. We first saw him in Chapter 23 of Exposed, when he and Dick spied the nudists running around the Quidditch pitch, stole their robes (which the author for once remembered were robes), tried to set them up, got outwitted and everyone promptly forgot that anything had ever happened.
I was counting on you wearing your birthday suit as a costume tonight," he said sarcastically while actually sounding rather let down. "Isn't that what your sister did last Halloween. Hardly seems fair that she gave those Gryffindor blokes a show and you won't give us one."
She already has, but as I said, Chapter 23 of Exposed seems to have been forgotten by everyone involved. The only purpose it seemed to serve was to give Hermione an excuse to teach the girls the concealment charm, which she'd been planning to do anyway.
After three hours, Emily had become extremely bored. She told Kim that she was going to go to bed, but Kim begged her to stick around for a little longer. She had no idea why Kim wanted to linger (she didn't seem to be having a fabulous time either), but Emily agreed to hang around a little longer. Five minutes later she was glad she had.
Emily had just caught Tyler looking in her direction again, but this time when they both looked to see if Dick Bancroft had noticed, they saw Tyler's brother headed toward his dorm with Tony Marburger.
Why is this scene after the one with Tony and Dick if it starts three hours before?
As if planned, the music turned soft and slow. Tyler got an 'it's now or never' expression on his face and started walking toward where Emily was seated. She sat nervously waiting, hoping he wouldn't lose his nerve. He didn't.
"May I have this dance," Tyler asked politely.
"I was hoping you'd ask," Emily answered sweetly as she stood and held her hand out to Tyler's. "Try not to look too shocked when you take my hand."
Tyler was confused by Emily's remark, but once he grasped her hand he understood completely. Emily's clothing completely melted away and Tyler found himself holding the hand of a quite attractive, quite naked young girl. "Wow!" was the only word he could muster, but it aptly described his present feelings.
The boys of the HEverse are very blasé about girls flashing them, it has to be said. At least Matt had the excuse of already knowing about the concealment charm and the fact that Caitlin was using it. As far as Tyler is concerned, Emily's robes have just vanished completely in front of the entire house.
"I know you have difficulty understanding it, but I'm totally at ease nude. I'd be happy if I could go through the balance of my life never having clothing touch my skin again."
MISUSED BALANCE COUNT: 38
"I think you'd get rather cold in the winter," Tyler said. The thought of Emily standing naked in a snowstorm made him shiver for more than one reason.
"You'd be surprised," Emily answered. "I remember Jamie and me playing naked once in the snow. It was only at our parents insistence that we came inside."
The author can't seem to make his mind up whether naked people get cold or not, because apparently there's a scene later on that dwells on how terrible it is to be naked in a cold place.
"You are incredible," Tyler said, beaming.
Let us all worship at the feet of the almighty Sue.
Every since the initiation, he hadn't been able to get her out of his mind. At first he thought it was merely because he had seen her naked; a little thing like that has a tendency to make a lasting impression.
See, that's where you use a semicolon rather than the comma the author originally put there.
Later he realized it was much more than that. It was her total attitude, how she was so self-confident, but not the least bit cocky or conceded.
Emily would never concede anything.
She seemed perfect, almost too good to be true.
Which is about the least controversial definition of a Mary Sue there is.
Then Tyler's dream was shattered. Dennis Crow was looking at him with an evil grin. His brother would know about him dancing with Emily before the evening was over. There would be hell to pay.
Dick the dick, who's only the third most ineffectual bully in Hogwarts Exposed because Denise and Janice exist. Except in this scene. Tyler must be quaking in his boots.