Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 16 part 2
The ball approaches. More like the load of balls.
“Dad, normally I’m totally nude. This certainly isn’t the first time you’ve seen that.”
“It’s different tonight. You have quite short dress robes on. I’m concerned if you sit improperly now that you might do so later this evening and give someone a show.”
I'm not sure even this author would sink so low as to have the dialogue and narration witter on about how something's going to happen, then have it happen, and then have it happen in a slightly different way later in the same chapter. But with this author's approach to storytelling I wouldn't even be surprised. Honestly, I've seen primary school kids with a better grasp of story structure.
As Hermione entered the room she momentarily watched Caitlin and Harry hugging before she said, “I’m glad you two have become so close.” Harry and Caitlin turned toward Hermione’s voice. They both just stared. Neither one had ever seen her looking so attractive.
This is a textbook case of why it's a bad idea to try inhabiting two points of view simultaneously. Harry's and Caitlin's reactions to seeing Hermione in her new outfit are (even in this fic) going to be quite different, so when trying to give us both their POVs the author has to resort to vagueness. Indeed they do both see her as attractive, but one as "hey, Mum looks nice" and the other as... well, you know.
Harry was the first to speak. “Hermione, you’re gorgeous. I mean, you’ve always been beautiful, but tonight… Wow!"
I could see Harry being uncharacteristically effusive when faced with the woman he's in love with in her ball gown. As written, though, it just looks like a poor attempt to compensate for the fact that we didn't properly get his POV when she walked in. And I still don't know whose we're supposed to be in now.
Hermione blushed as she smiled at Harry, “I’ll take that as a compliment Mr. Potter. May I say that you look quite handsome yourself? What are your plans for after the dance?"
Harry smirked, “Well, it happens I skipped dessert at the evening meal.”
What about the fish course?
Hermione blushed deeply, “Exactly what do you have in mind?"
“Hold it you two,” Caitlin shouted. “I know we all agreed that you would treat me as an adult
I'm not sure I like HE!Harry's idea of treating her like an adult. D:
and not hide anything from me. And I really appreciate that you talk openly about sex in front of me, but some things should remain on a need to know basis. I just got this vision of mum nude with whip cream and chocolate syrup all over her.
The WTFery speaks for itself, but even that aside, does this really look like it was spoken by an eleven-year-old?
Harry and Hermione turned a deep red just as they were saved by a knock on the door.
“Harry, that’s probably Ron and Sam. Will you let them in? I have to get my wand,” Hermione stated.
I really don't like "stated". What exactly does it tell us that "said" doesn't, except that the author took style tips from The Eye of Argon?
“Sure, Herm,” Harry responded as he headed to the door.
The author also calls her Herm in conversation, so I guess he's consistent there. I don't know what's happened to the accursed Mione.
Harry turned to Sam, “The great Hall is always impressive, but at Christmas it’s spectacular.”
Harry turned to Sam. "The Great Hall is always impressive, but at Christmas it's spectacular."
The rule for dialogue tags is very simple, so simple I'm surprised how often people cock it up: If it doesn't denote speech, it isn't a dialogue tag. Simple as. That's quite aside from how variant dialogue tags need to be used with care.
Caitlin had inched her way over to her dad. “Sam, you haven’t met our daughter. This is Caitlin.”
“Hi Caitlin, it’s nice to finally meet you. Those are beautiful robes you have on. I saw them at Madame Malkin’s shop. But they’re so tiny. How do you manage to move without something showing?” Sam asked.
It's like she's psychic and knows the Modesty Charm has worn off. Ooops, sorry for spoiling the epic twist:
“I’m pleased to meet you, Miss Bowman. They have a modesty charm that keeps them from riding up. Watch, I’ll show you how it works,” Caitlin replied.
Ron and Samantha watched as Caitlin grabbed the sides of her robes and lifted the hem above her waist giving them both an excellent view of her exposed naked body just as Hermione walked into the room.
And Hermione just happened to walk in at that time. This is such contrived bullshit.
Ron’s face turned as red as his hair as Caitlin apologized copiously for upsetting Ron and Sam. Hermione scolded, “Caitlin, I told you to renew that charm every 50 minutes. Is it necessary for me to do the lengthening charm?”
“No Mum! Please don’t. I’ll be more careful,” she said as she charmed the robes.
How the hell did she say anything as she charmed the robes? Is Caitlin, a first year, now capable of intentional wandless (ETA: nonverbal. Silly brain-fart. D: ) magic? Because if so, that's another contrivance. I can understand Jamie being über-perfect, insufferable Sue as she is, because that's how she drew Hermione's attention. Caitlin's just this girl who happened to have been randomly victimised by evil!Hooch the nipple-nommer, so for her also to be an exceptional witch strains suspension of disbelief.
Caitlin looked first at Hermione and then at Harry as if asking their permission to tell the truth. They both nodded yes. “I’m comfortable with being seen naked. I’m a naturist. Mum and Dad allow me to be naked whenever I’m in our quarters.”
“I thought so,” Sam replied. “My best friend in school was a nudist.
Speaking of suspension of disbelief, there goes what little I had left.
She loved to be nude and it didn’t bother her who saw her, but she was always concerned about how other people felt. As much as she hated clothes, she would prefer to get dressed rather than have someone else feel self-conscious.”
Does this sound like anyone we know?
Harry shook his head no as Hermione responded emphatically, “Not on your life. The chances of it snowing in July are better. I could never expose myself to a stranger. I feel overexposed in this dress.
Have Hermione like revealing dresses or have her dislike them. I don't mind which as long as you show us the characterisation. Don't have Hermione bowing to pressure and wearing something she doesn't feel comfortable in, because that's not Hermione.
Caitlin was very fascinated by the news that Sam’s best friend was a nudist.
Since we're about to read dialogue showing this fact, do we need to be told it as well?
“Miss Bowman did you ever spend any time nude with your best friend?”
Witness another conversation hijacked by all this nudist talk.
Sam looked tentatively at Ron as if wondering whether to answer or not. “Yes, quite a bit. I love swimming in the nude. You and I have something else in common.”
“What’s that?” Caitlin quizzed.
Did she quiz quizzingly?
Sam went over and whispered in Caitlin’s ear.
Caitlin looked at Sam in shock, “You don’t?”
Sam grinned, “Never!”
Hermione wondered to herself what Sam and Caitlin were whispering about, but when she looked at the clock she put the thought aside.
This would have worked a lot better if we'd been in Hermione's POV throughout, because as we'd already been in Caitlin's during this scene the sudden outage looks forced.
“We best be on our way. The four of us should get to the Great Hall before the students start arriving and, Caitlin, you want to hurry over to Gryffindor tower and meet your friends.” Hermione stared at Caitlin. “How often are you going to do the modesty charm?”
“I think maybe every half hour, just to be safe,” Caitlin replied.
“Sounds like a plan,” Harry answered. “And if you dance every dance you won’t have to worry how you sit.”
She needs to keep renewing the Charm. Holy fuck how the hell many times does the author have to remind us. Anyway, because we've been too long without basking in the radiance of the almighty Jamie, here she is:
“Amanda, you look fantastic. Tony will be drooling all night,” Jamie commented.
We never actually get a description of what she's wearing that looks so fantastic, and why should we? She's not a Sue, so might as well be scenery.
“Thanks Jamie, but I just hope he notices me after he sees you almost in those cocktail robes.
Like so.
“Frankly yes, but somehow on you it looks marvelous. The guys will love it; especially if you bend over at all.”
Jamie giggled, “It’s charmed to lengthen so that’s not a problem. I just have to remember to restore the charm every hour.”
Oh, was there a Modesty Charm on those dresses? I'd completely forgotten. Anyway, Caitlin arrives in the dorm:
“You just made it. In your rush did you forget the bottom of your cocktail robes? You’re showing an awful lot of skin,” Amanda teased.
“Don’t you start it, too? Mum threatened to lengthen the hem just because I had a slight accident.”
“Accident? What happened?” Jamie asked.
“Professor Weasley and his date were in my parent’s quarters. Her name is Samantha Bowman. She’s quite nice. Anyway, I went to demonstrate how the Modesto Charm worked, but unfortunately it had been over an hour since I renewed it.”
Jamie’s eyes went wide. “You flashed Professor Weasley and his date?”
“Yes. I did a first rate job of it, to boot. The hem of the dress was at my waist before I realized the charm wasn’t functioning."
Amanda broke into laughter.
So we get a pointless reiteration of the previous scene complete with a laugh track. The author doesn't seem to realise that, this being a non-visual medium, humour comes as much from how a funny event is described as what actually happens. You can't just write something like "he didn't see the open manhole and fell into it" and expect people to laugh the same way they would if they saw something like that happen in a cartoon.
Anyway, they go to the common room, meet the boys (one of whom is called Randy, which is funnier than the bit that was meant to be funny) and get given their flowers.
As the girls entered the common room, three chins simultaneously hit the floor as the three pair of eyes attached to those heads became fixed on their targets.
Alex was the first to gain a degree of composure as he walked over to Jamie and said, “You’re stunning. I’m going to be the envy of the ball with you on my arm. Oh! Here I got you flowers.”
So he's gone from stupefied to eloquent in a second? There's an oh-so-dramatic hitch in the proceedings:
Unfortunately the boys had purchased pin on flowers. Randy just looked at Caitlin dress. There were no straps and the dress was cut straight across the front just above the nipples that would some day be the focal point of her breasts.
THE FOCAL POINT. I take it back, this is the funniest thing I've read all week. Quite apart from anything else, and there's a lot of else, how exactly can (presumably) two nipples form a singular point? (Better hope Hooch isn't around, either.) Jamie Transfigures the flowers to a wrist corsage (is there anything that girl can't do?) and they're free to go downstairs.
They quickly traversed the corridors and flights of stairs that led to the Great Hall. As they turned the corner Amanda saw Tony standing at the bottom of the tall main staircase awaiting their arrival. They got to within a few meters of the stairs when, Jamie and Caitlin both froze as if having the same thought. They couldn’t descend those without giving Tony the show of shows. Being a naturist is not being an exhibitionist.
What appeared to be run-of-the-mill tense!fail at first glance bears closer scrutiny. There are two ways of fixing it I can see:
Tense agreement: They couldn’t descend those without giving Tony the show of shows. Being a naturist was not being an exhibitionist.
Making the last sentence into a thought of the POV character, if the rest of the scene was also rewritten with a consistent POV: They couldn’t descend those without giving Tony the show of shows. Being a naturist is not being an exhibitionist.
I went back to the original document to see whether it was already formatted the latter way and something had been lost when I copied and pasted, but no.
Caitlin shook her head, no.
If you tell us she shook her head, we can generally infer from this that she was saying no. Anyway, this is longer than I anticipated and we're not even at the ball yet, so I intend to wrap this chapter up tomorrow.
Continued...
“Dad, normally I’m totally nude. This certainly isn’t the first time you’ve seen that.”
“It’s different tonight. You have quite short dress robes on. I’m concerned if you sit improperly now that you might do so later this evening and give someone a show.”
I'm not sure even this author would sink so low as to have the dialogue and narration witter on about how something's going to happen, then have it happen, and then have it happen in a slightly different way later in the same chapter. But with this author's approach to storytelling I wouldn't even be surprised. Honestly, I've seen primary school kids with a better grasp of story structure.
As Hermione entered the room she momentarily watched Caitlin and Harry hugging before she said, “I’m glad you two have become so close.” Harry and Caitlin turned toward Hermione’s voice. They both just stared. Neither one had ever seen her looking so attractive.
This is a textbook case of why it's a bad idea to try inhabiting two points of view simultaneously. Harry's and Caitlin's reactions to seeing Hermione in her new outfit are (even in this fic) going to be quite different, so when trying to give us both their POVs the author has to resort to vagueness. Indeed they do both see her as attractive, but one as "hey, Mum looks nice" and the other as... well, you know.
Harry was the first to speak. “Hermione, you’re gorgeous. I mean, you’ve always been beautiful, but tonight… Wow!"
I could see Harry being uncharacteristically effusive when faced with the woman he's in love with in her ball gown. As written, though, it just looks like a poor attempt to compensate for the fact that we didn't properly get his POV when she walked in. And I still don't know whose we're supposed to be in now.
Hermione blushed as she smiled at Harry, “I’ll take that as a compliment Mr. Potter. May I say that you look quite handsome yourself? What are your plans for after the dance?"
Harry smirked, “Well, it happens I skipped dessert at the evening meal.”
What about the fish course?
Hermione blushed deeply, “Exactly what do you have in mind?"
“Hold it you two,” Caitlin shouted. “I know we all agreed that you would treat me as an adult
I'm not sure I like HE!Harry's idea of treating her like an adult. D:
and not hide anything from me. And I really appreciate that you talk openly about sex in front of me, but some things should remain on a need to know basis. I just got this vision of mum nude with whip cream and chocolate syrup all over her.
The WTFery speaks for itself, but even that aside, does this really look like it was spoken by an eleven-year-old?
Harry and Hermione turned a deep red just as they were saved by a knock on the door.
“Harry, that’s probably Ron and Sam. Will you let them in? I have to get my wand,” Hermione stated.
I really don't like "stated". What exactly does it tell us that "said" doesn't, except that the author took style tips from The Eye of Argon?
“Sure, Herm,” Harry responded as he headed to the door.
The author also calls her Herm in conversation, so I guess he's consistent there. I don't know what's happened to the accursed Mione.
Harry turned to Sam, “The great Hall is always impressive, but at Christmas it’s spectacular.”
Harry turned to Sam. "The Great Hall is always impressive, but at Christmas it's spectacular."
The rule for dialogue tags is very simple, so simple I'm surprised how often people cock it up: If it doesn't denote speech, it isn't a dialogue tag. Simple as. That's quite aside from how variant dialogue tags need to be used with care.
Caitlin had inched her way over to her dad. “Sam, you haven’t met our daughter. This is Caitlin.”
“Hi Caitlin, it’s nice to finally meet you. Those are beautiful robes you have on. I saw them at Madame Malkin’s shop. But they’re so tiny. How do you manage to move without something showing?” Sam asked.
It's like she's psychic and knows the Modesty Charm has worn off. Ooops, sorry for spoiling the epic twist:
“I’m pleased to meet you, Miss Bowman. They have a modesty charm that keeps them from riding up. Watch, I’ll show you how it works,” Caitlin replied.
Ron and Samantha watched as Caitlin grabbed the sides of her robes and lifted the hem above her waist giving them both an excellent view of her exposed naked body just as Hermione walked into the room.
And Hermione just happened to walk in at that time. This is such contrived bullshit.
Ron’s face turned as red as his hair as Caitlin apologized copiously for upsetting Ron and Sam. Hermione scolded, “Caitlin, I told you to renew that charm every 50 minutes. Is it necessary for me to do the lengthening charm?”
“No Mum! Please don’t. I’ll be more careful,” she said as she charmed the robes.
How the hell did she say anything as she charmed the robes? Is Caitlin, a first year, now capable of intentional wandless (ETA: nonverbal. Silly brain-fart. D: ) magic? Because if so, that's another contrivance. I can understand Jamie being über-perfect, insufferable Sue as she is, because that's how she drew Hermione's attention. Caitlin's just this girl who happened to have been randomly victimised by evil!Hooch the nipple-nommer, so for her also to be an exceptional witch strains suspension of disbelief.
Caitlin looked first at Hermione and then at Harry as if asking their permission to tell the truth. They both nodded yes. “I’m comfortable with being seen naked. I’m a naturist. Mum and Dad allow me to be naked whenever I’m in our quarters.”
“I thought so,” Sam replied. “My best friend in school was a nudist.
Speaking of suspension of disbelief, there goes what little I had left.
She loved to be nude and it didn’t bother her who saw her, but she was always concerned about how other people felt. As much as she hated clothes, she would prefer to get dressed rather than have someone else feel self-conscious.”
Does this sound like anyone we know?
Harry shook his head no as Hermione responded emphatically, “Not on your life. The chances of it snowing in July are better. I could never expose myself to a stranger. I feel overexposed in this dress.
Have Hermione like revealing dresses or have her dislike them. I don't mind which as long as you show us the characterisation. Don't have Hermione bowing to pressure and wearing something she doesn't feel comfortable in, because that's not Hermione.
Caitlin was very fascinated by the news that Sam’s best friend was a nudist.
Since we're about to read dialogue showing this fact, do we need to be told it as well?
“Miss Bowman did you ever spend any time nude with your best friend?”
Witness another conversation hijacked by all this nudist talk.
Sam looked tentatively at Ron as if wondering whether to answer or not. “Yes, quite a bit. I love swimming in the nude. You and I have something else in common.”
“What’s that?” Caitlin quizzed.
Did she quiz quizzingly?
Sam went over and whispered in Caitlin’s ear.
Caitlin looked at Sam in shock, “You don’t?”
Sam grinned, “Never!”
Hermione wondered to herself what Sam and Caitlin were whispering about, but when she looked at the clock she put the thought aside.
This would have worked a lot better if we'd been in Hermione's POV throughout, because as we'd already been in Caitlin's during this scene the sudden outage looks forced.
“We best be on our way. The four of us should get to the Great Hall before the students start arriving and, Caitlin, you want to hurry over to Gryffindor tower and meet your friends.” Hermione stared at Caitlin. “How often are you going to do the modesty charm?”
“I think maybe every half hour, just to be safe,” Caitlin replied.
“Sounds like a plan,” Harry answered. “And if you dance every dance you won’t have to worry how you sit.”
She needs to keep renewing the Charm. Holy fuck how the hell many times does the author have to remind us. Anyway, because we've been too long without basking in the radiance of the almighty Jamie, here she is:
“Amanda, you look fantastic. Tony will be drooling all night,” Jamie commented.
We never actually get a description of what she's wearing that looks so fantastic, and why should we? She's not a Sue, so might as well be scenery.
“Thanks Jamie, but I just hope he notices me after he sees you almost in those cocktail robes.
Like so.
“Frankly yes, but somehow on you it looks marvelous. The guys will love it; especially if you bend over at all.”
Jamie giggled, “It’s charmed to lengthen so that’s not a problem. I just have to remember to restore the charm every hour.”
Oh, was there a Modesty Charm on those dresses? I'd completely forgotten. Anyway, Caitlin arrives in the dorm:
“You just made it. In your rush did you forget the bottom of your cocktail robes? You’re showing an awful lot of skin,” Amanda teased.
“Don’t you start it, too? Mum threatened to lengthen the hem just because I had a slight accident.”
“Accident? What happened?” Jamie asked.
“Professor Weasley and his date were in my parent’s quarters. Her name is Samantha Bowman. She’s quite nice. Anyway, I went to demonstrate how the Modesto Charm worked, but unfortunately it had been over an hour since I renewed it.”
Jamie’s eyes went wide. “You flashed Professor Weasley and his date?”
“Yes. I did a first rate job of it, to boot. The hem of the dress was at my waist before I realized the charm wasn’t functioning."
Amanda broke into laughter.
So we get a pointless reiteration of the previous scene complete with a laugh track. The author doesn't seem to realise that, this being a non-visual medium, humour comes as much from how a funny event is described as what actually happens. You can't just write something like "he didn't see the open manhole and fell into it" and expect people to laugh the same way they would if they saw something like that happen in a cartoon.
Anyway, they go to the common room, meet the boys (one of whom is called Randy, which is funnier than the bit that was meant to be funny) and get given their flowers.
As the girls entered the common room, three chins simultaneously hit the floor as the three pair of eyes attached to those heads became fixed on their targets.
Alex was the first to gain a degree of composure as he walked over to Jamie and said, “You’re stunning. I’m going to be the envy of the ball with you on my arm. Oh! Here I got you flowers.”
So he's gone from stupefied to eloquent in a second? There's an oh-so-dramatic hitch in the proceedings:
Unfortunately the boys had purchased pin on flowers. Randy just looked at Caitlin dress. There were no straps and the dress was cut straight across the front just above the nipples that would some day be the focal point of her breasts.
THE FOCAL POINT. I take it back, this is the funniest thing I've read all week. Quite apart from anything else, and there's a lot of else, how exactly can (presumably) two nipples form a singular point? (Better hope Hooch isn't around, either.) Jamie Transfigures the flowers to a wrist corsage (is there anything that girl can't do?) and they're free to go downstairs.
They quickly traversed the corridors and flights of stairs that led to the Great Hall. As they turned the corner Amanda saw Tony standing at the bottom of the tall main staircase awaiting their arrival. They got to within a few meters of the stairs when, Jamie and Caitlin both froze as if having the same thought. They couldn’t descend those without giving Tony the show of shows. Being a naturist is not being an exhibitionist.
What appeared to be run-of-the-mill tense!fail at first glance bears closer scrutiny. There are two ways of fixing it I can see:
Tense agreement: They couldn’t descend those without giving Tony the show of shows. Being a naturist was not being an exhibitionist.
Making the last sentence into a thought of the POV character, if the rest of the scene was also rewritten with a consistent POV: They couldn’t descend those without giving Tony the show of shows. Being a naturist is not being an exhibitionist.
I went back to the original document to see whether it was already formatted the latter way and something had been lost when I copied and pasted, but no.
Caitlin shook her head, no.
If you tell us she shook her head, we can generally infer from this that she was saying no. Anyway, this is longer than I anticipated and we're not even at the ball yet, so I intend to wrap this chapter up tomorrow.
Continued...