Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 5 part 3
In which Hogwarts Too Exposed finally arrives at Hogwarts.
Kim hurried to the window for a look-see. There wasn’t much to observe other than mountains and forests under a deep purple sky. “The train seems to be slowing down,” Kim said apprehensively, as Caitlin and Emily donned their black robes.
So they are wearing robes. Good to know. I guess we have to take Kim's word for it that the train is slowing down, because there's no actual description of this happening. She could be mistaken for all we know.
“You both look a little nervous,” Caitlin said to Emily and Kim. “Don’t be. There is nothing to be frightened of, although this is where we have to leave you guys. Once we get off the train Matt, Randy and I will be taking carriages to the castle. It’s traditional for first years to go by boat across the lake.”
“There’s that word tradition again,” Emily said distastefully. “I’m really starting to dislike it.”
Why? She was initially annoyed at having to go to London and back per tradition but ended up having a good time anyway. I know "Emily learns that Hogwarts traditions aren't all bad" is hardly earth-shattering character development, but it would have been something.
“This is where we have to separate,” Caitlin said. You guys hold hands and stay together.
“We’ll see you both at the Gryffindor table tonight,” Matt said encouraging.
Encouragingly, if you really must.
As they walked to the carriage Randy asked, “Do you think they’ll actually both make Gryffindor house?”
“Jamie is Gryffindor,” Matt noted. “Brothers and sisters usually enter the same house, so Emily should be a done deal. But Kim doesn’t have a chance. She’s got Hufflepuff written all over her.”
Somewhere along the line, canon's passing references to some people looking down on Hufflepuff has become "herp derp hufflepuf iz teh suxx0rz" in fanon. It makes even less sense here, because we saw Hufflepuff win the house cup at the end of Exposed.
“Unless she relatively smart, then she might be put into Ravenclaw,” Caitlin said. “But my first guess is also Hufflepuff.”
Apparently you only have to be relatively smart to get into Ravenclaw. For best results, imagine the word "relatively" spoken in the Approved Hogwarts Exposed Dialogue Voice. Where this leaves Jamie and Caitlin, with their statistically ludicrous 200+ IQs of which the story provides no evidence, is unclear.
Emily’s eyes nervously followed Caitlin as she disappeared into the dark night. For the life of her, Emily couldn’t understand why she was so panicky. She knew where she was going. Hogwarts had been her home since her parents died last spring, but still for some reason she was uneasy. “Kim, hold my hand so we get the same boat.”
“First years follow me please,” Professor Katie Bell called.
Wait, how does Emily already know who Katie Bell is? As far as I can tell, they've not met at all. And why's she doing Hagrid's job? For that matter, where the hell is Hagrid?
Professor Bell had no more than said be careful, when Kim stumbled going down the steep, narrow path. Had she not been holding Emily’s hand, she in all probability would have fallen.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a buttmonkey!
Emily almost laughed when the narrow path opened onto the edge of the great black lake and the first years left out a loud “Oooooh!”
She laughed because it was exactly what she'd read in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Again.
Professor Bell indicated a fleet of little boats sitting in the water by the shore. “No less than three and no more than four to a boat,” she said.
The "no less than three" must be a new rule.
Emily and Kim scampered into the nearest boat, where two boys quickly joined them. “Are you two going steady?” The one boy questioned smugly.
The '90s called. They want their slang back.
“Climb out of your boats, but remain together,” Katie said as the first years clambered from their boats and on to the pebble covered ground. They followed Professor Bell as she led them up a passage cut into the rock until finally they came out at last onto smooth, damp grass.
So is Emily on first-name terms with Katie or not? And if so, why?
Kim and Emily nudged each other when a familiar face answered the door. Emily had never seen Hermione looking as regal as she did in the emerald -green robes she was wearing. The beautiful witch had a stern expression on her face, but Emily knew first hand the warmth of her heart.
Please use the sickbags provided. Anyway, we get (just like in the original Hogwarts Exposed) another transparent rip-off of the receiving hall scene from Philosopher's Stone.
Kim squeezed Emily’s hand tightly at the mention of seven years. Emily could feel the other girl literally trembling.
Well, no shit. How would she feel her if she was only figuratively trembling?
As Professor Granger left the chamber, Kim asked. “How exactly do they sort us into houses?”
“I heard it’s some sort of test,” the boy from the boat answered. “My brother claims it hurts a lot.”
“Your brother is a liar,” Emily said. “We each put on a magical hat and it decides what house to sort us into.”
“Who told you that silly story,” the boy scoffed. “Being situated into the proper house is much too important to be left up to some old hat.”
Once again from the pre-Sorting Hat scene in Philosopher's Stone, but with crap dialogue.
“That hat is going to place us in the various houses?” Kim whispered questioningly to Emily.
How exactly are you supposed to whisper a question if not questioningly?
For a few seconds, the Great Hall was completely silent. Then the hat began to sing; a rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth. Emily paid little attention to the song; her interest was more on the Gryffindor table where she saw Jamie and Caitlin beaming in her direction.
Translation: the author couldn't be arsed to write a Sorting Hat song. Which is probably just as well.
“This is the largest class I’ve seen since I’ve been here,” Jamie remarked. “The sorting will take forever.”
Emily must have very good hearing. Or else Jamie has the indoor voice of a Deserving character.
“I imagine Emily will be last,” Caitlin said, depressed.
You are not fucking depressed just because you're too impatient to wait for your sister to get Sorted.
“That’s life when your last name begins with a Z,” Jamie shrugged.
"You get the power to produce words by moving your shoulders!"
Kim paid little attention to the song the hat was singing, as she looked apprehensively around the hall at all the faces gawking at the group of first years.
The oh-so-perfect Jamie and Caitlin are holding a conversation at top volume whilst the hat's still singing? It comes to something when the author writes his own characters OOC. Unless he got distracted by the POV shift.
“Both those houses seem genuinely friendly,” Kim said quietly.
I can't not read this sentence in the Approved Hogwarts Exposed Dialogue Voice.
“Bancroft, Tyler!”
It was the boy that had ridden in the boat with Emily and Kim, the one expecting some sort of test.
“Did she say Bancroft?” Jamie questioned Alex. “Please tell me he’s not related to Dick?”
“From the expression on Dick’s face, I’d guess he’s a younger brother,” Alex answered.
What expression is this? Your guess is as good as mine, because we don't get a description of Dick's face.
As expected, Tyler Bancroft joined his brother in Slytherin.
“They seem like an unpleasant lot,” Kim said. “Not nearly as friendly as the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws.”
Her first impressions are conveniently accurate. As were Harry's in the scene that's still being ripped off, but he had the excuse of having already been told about how awful Slytherin is.
“Thatcher, Kim”
Emily gave Kim’s hand one final squeeze. “Think Gryffindor,” Emily said as Kim left her side.
Kim put the hat on and nervously perched herself on the stool. The hat hesitated longer than it had for any other student, waiting almost a minute before finally shouting, “SLYTHERIN!”
We don't get any indication of why the Hat chose her for Slytherin, even though we'd apparently had full access to her POV and will soon get Emily's Sorting in full. It even became a Headscratcher.
Jamie had a tear in her eye as she turned to Amanda.
Just for a change. So much for her ever-present smile.
“The hat just made a horrible mistake,” she said sadly.
Yes, a student clearly knows better than the distilled wisdom of the four founders of Hogwarts. Tell me again how she doesn't have a conceited bone in her body.
“Tony will look out for her,” Amanda said reassuringly.
The announcement even caught Hermione by surprise as she momentarily neglected to announce the next name.
Because Hermione knows so much about this girl. As far as we've been told, all she did was go round to her house to explain that witches and wizards were real.
“Hat, are you awake?” Emily finally whispered. “Everyone is gawking at me.”
“Difficult. Extremely difficult,” a small voice said in her ear. “You could succeed in any of the houses. You’re not afraid of work and extremely loyal. Your mind is sharp and you are brave at heart: extremely cunning, too. Where to place you?”
“You put my sister in Gryffindor?
“Yes, but your sister leaned strongly. You are equally divided. Perhaps a shade more Gryffindor and Slytherin.”
“If it’s so equal and you feel I could succeed anywhere, perhaps you’d allow me to choose.”
“Very well, but I will narrow the choice to Gryffindor or Slytherin.”
Emily looked toward the Gryffindor table where Caitlin and Jamie were both watching her apprehensively. “That’s easy then. Place me in Gryf….”
Gryffindor was practically out of her mouth when her eye caught the Slytherin table. What she saw would change her life. Kim was sitting with her hands folded. She was not watching the sorting, but instead her eyes were trained on the ceiling. The girl seemed to be praying.
“She needs me,” Emily said her eyes moist. Please, sort me into…” The name caught in her throat. She couldn’t believe she was about to say it. “Slytherin.”
Emily is prepared to abandon her family and get Sorted into a house she hates for the sake of a girl she's only just met. It's supposed to show her as a wonderful paragon of the best of humanity, but really shows her as an idiot.
“I will not forget you Miss Zacherley; you were and will remain a mystery,” the hat said. “Even when you make a decision to be in one house it is using the logic of another.
If logic-bombing the Sorting Hat isn't on one of those "Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts" lists, it should be.
Very well, let it be SLYTHERIN!”
Hermione practically dropped her roll of parchment in shock as she looked to Harry for some sort of support.
Because there's no way Hermione can handle a surprising situation without a man to help her. I hate this fic.
Jamie burst into tears as Amanda and Caitlin consoled her.
Caitlin is apparently unfazed by the news. Evidence for the entire plot being driven by Caitlin's secret manipulations, perhaps?
The Great Hall was in shock. To most, the name Jamie Zacherley personified the Gryffindor qualities.
The Gryffindor qualities apparently include throwing a tantrum in the middle of the Great Hall when she doesn't agree with the Sorting Hat. So much for daring, nerve and chivalry.
Hermione dejectedly took her seat next to Harry. “Poor Emily,” she said. “The girl must be heart broken not to be in Gryffindor with Caitlin and Jamie.”
“I’m sure,” Harry agreed. “But I have the strangest feeling it was her choice to make.
Yay more conveniently accurate insights!
Whether it was or not; we now have a Slytherin among us.”
We have a subtitle drop!
“That will at times be a sticky state of affairs,” Hermione said after some deliberation. “As much as we care for Emily and it’s essential that she have our love and support, we are Gryffindors.”
”Emily is a bright, clever girl. She knows we’re not about to stop caring for her, but she also must realize that you are head of Gryffindor house and I’m a direct descendant of Godric Gryffindor.
I know this was written before JKR shut down the "Harry descended from Gryffindor" thing, but I always found it too contrived for my liking.
We’ll always be there to encourage her, but she must understand that when it comes to house battles we will be supporting Gryffindor. Speaking of houses…. where is the head of Slytherin house this evening?”
Draco, that is. Apparently you don't need experience to be a Head of House.
“I asked Severus the same question,” Hermione answered. “Draco didn’t give him a large amount of information when he owled that he would fail to make the sorting. He only told him that he had to meet with his lawyer, but would be here for breakfast and classes in the morning.”
“You don’t think it has anything to do with Timmy do you?” Harry asked, concern evident in his voice.
“Oh! I doubt it. “Not even Draco would be low enough to try to take Timmy away from Sam. Besides, he wouldn’t have a chance in the world. Sam is a fantastic mother.”
* * * * * *
“I won’t lie to you Professor Malfoy. Taking a child away from its natural mother is not easily accomplished, but I’ve succeeded on numerous occasions and I feel you have a first-rate case,” Legal representative Bullchip said as he rubbed his chin, an evil smile covering his face. “It’s a simple matter of adjusting a few facts and calling in some favors I’m owed. Having that youngster live in the same dwelling as a werewolf is, in my mind, clearly a case of child endangerment. If everything goes according to plan, he should be a ward of the ministry within two weeks. At that point we’ll go to court and illustrate that you’re the more suitable parent to have custody.”
Really? You're going to reveal Draco's evil scheme and the first hint of an actual plot in Hogwarts Too Exposed with a Gilligan cut? I suppose it's only the logical extreme of the author's usual approach to foreshadowing.
Kim hurried to the window for a look-see. There wasn’t much to observe other than mountains and forests under a deep purple sky. “The train seems to be slowing down,” Kim said apprehensively, as Caitlin and Emily donned their black robes.
So they are wearing robes. Good to know. I guess we have to take Kim's word for it that the train is slowing down, because there's no actual description of this happening. She could be mistaken for all we know.
“You both look a little nervous,” Caitlin said to Emily and Kim. “Don’t be. There is nothing to be frightened of, although this is where we have to leave you guys. Once we get off the train Matt, Randy and I will be taking carriages to the castle. It’s traditional for first years to go by boat across the lake.”
“There’s that word tradition again,” Emily said distastefully. “I’m really starting to dislike it.”
Why? She was initially annoyed at having to go to London and back per tradition but ended up having a good time anyway. I know "Emily learns that Hogwarts traditions aren't all bad" is hardly earth-shattering character development, but it would have been something.
“This is where we have to separate,” Caitlin said. You guys hold hands and stay together.
“We’ll see you both at the Gryffindor table tonight,” Matt said encouraging.
Encouragingly, if you really must.
As they walked to the carriage Randy asked, “Do you think they’ll actually both make Gryffindor house?”
“Jamie is Gryffindor,” Matt noted. “Brothers and sisters usually enter the same house, so Emily should be a done deal. But Kim doesn’t have a chance. She’s got Hufflepuff written all over her.”
Somewhere along the line, canon's passing references to some people looking down on Hufflepuff has become "herp derp hufflepuf iz teh suxx0rz" in fanon. It makes even less sense here, because we saw Hufflepuff win the house cup at the end of Exposed.
“Unless she relatively smart, then she might be put into Ravenclaw,” Caitlin said. “But my first guess is also Hufflepuff.”
Apparently you only have to be relatively smart to get into Ravenclaw. For best results, imagine the word "relatively" spoken in the Approved Hogwarts Exposed Dialogue Voice. Where this leaves Jamie and Caitlin, with their statistically ludicrous 200+ IQs of which the story provides no evidence, is unclear.
Emily’s eyes nervously followed Caitlin as she disappeared into the dark night. For the life of her, Emily couldn’t understand why she was so panicky. She knew where she was going. Hogwarts had been her home since her parents died last spring, but still for some reason she was uneasy. “Kim, hold my hand so we get the same boat.”
“First years follow me please,” Professor Katie Bell called.
Wait, how does Emily already know who Katie Bell is? As far as I can tell, they've not met at all. And why's she doing Hagrid's job? For that matter, where the hell is Hagrid?
Professor Bell had no more than said be careful, when Kim stumbled going down the steep, narrow path. Had she not been holding Emily’s hand, she in all probability would have fallen.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a buttmonkey!
Emily almost laughed when the narrow path opened onto the edge of the great black lake and the first years left out a loud “Oooooh!”
She laughed because it was exactly what she'd read in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone. Again.
Professor Bell indicated a fleet of little boats sitting in the water by the shore. “No less than three and no more than four to a boat,” she said.
The "no less than three" must be a new rule.
Emily and Kim scampered into the nearest boat, where two boys quickly joined them. “Are you two going steady?” The one boy questioned smugly.
The '90s called. They want their slang back.
“Climb out of your boats, but remain together,” Katie said as the first years clambered from their boats and on to the pebble covered ground. They followed Professor Bell as she led them up a passage cut into the rock until finally they came out at last onto smooth, damp grass.
So is Emily on first-name terms with Katie or not? And if so, why?
Kim and Emily nudged each other when a familiar face answered the door. Emily had never seen Hermione looking as regal as she did in the emerald -green robes she was wearing. The beautiful witch had a stern expression on her face, but Emily knew first hand the warmth of her heart.
Please use the sickbags provided. Anyway, we get (just like in the original Hogwarts Exposed) another transparent rip-off of the receiving hall scene from Philosopher's Stone.
Kim squeezed Emily’s hand tightly at the mention of seven years. Emily could feel the other girl literally trembling.
Well, no shit. How would she feel her if she was only figuratively trembling?
As Professor Granger left the chamber, Kim asked. “How exactly do they sort us into houses?”
“I heard it’s some sort of test,” the boy from the boat answered. “My brother claims it hurts a lot.”
“Your brother is a liar,” Emily said. “We each put on a magical hat and it decides what house to sort us into.”
“Who told you that silly story,” the boy scoffed. “Being situated into the proper house is much too important to be left up to some old hat.”
Once again from the pre-Sorting Hat scene in Philosopher's Stone, but with crap dialogue.
“That hat is going to place us in the various houses?” Kim whispered questioningly to Emily.
How exactly are you supposed to whisper a question if not questioningly?
For a few seconds, the Great Hall was completely silent. Then the hat began to sing; a rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth. Emily paid little attention to the song; her interest was more on the Gryffindor table where she saw Jamie and Caitlin beaming in her direction.
Translation: the author couldn't be arsed to write a Sorting Hat song. Which is probably just as well.
“This is the largest class I’ve seen since I’ve been here,” Jamie remarked. “The sorting will take forever.”
Emily must have very good hearing. Or else Jamie has the indoor voice of a Deserving character.
“I imagine Emily will be last,” Caitlin said, depressed.
You are not fucking depressed just because you're too impatient to wait for your sister to get Sorted.
“That’s life when your last name begins with a Z,” Jamie shrugged.
"You get the power to produce words by moving your shoulders!"
Kim paid little attention to the song the hat was singing, as she looked apprehensively around the hall at all the faces gawking at the group of first years.
The oh-so-perfect Jamie and Caitlin are holding a conversation at top volume whilst the hat's still singing? It comes to something when the author writes his own characters OOC. Unless he got distracted by the POV shift.
“Both those houses seem genuinely friendly,” Kim said quietly.
I can't not read this sentence in the Approved Hogwarts Exposed Dialogue Voice.
“Bancroft, Tyler!”
It was the boy that had ridden in the boat with Emily and Kim, the one expecting some sort of test.
“Did she say Bancroft?” Jamie questioned Alex. “Please tell me he’s not related to Dick?”
“From the expression on Dick’s face, I’d guess he’s a younger brother,” Alex answered.
What expression is this? Your guess is as good as mine, because we don't get a description of Dick's face.
As expected, Tyler Bancroft joined his brother in Slytherin.
“They seem like an unpleasant lot,” Kim said. “Not nearly as friendly as the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws.”
Her first impressions are conveniently accurate. As were Harry's in the scene that's still being ripped off, but he had the excuse of having already been told about how awful Slytherin is.
“Thatcher, Kim”
Emily gave Kim’s hand one final squeeze. “Think Gryffindor,” Emily said as Kim left her side.
Kim put the hat on and nervously perched herself on the stool. The hat hesitated longer than it had for any other student, waiting almost a minute before finally shouting, “SLYTHERIN!”
We don't get any indication of why the Hat chose her for Slytherin, even though we'd apparently had full access to her POV and will soon get Emily's Sorting in full. It even became a Headscratcher.
Jamie had a tear in her eye as she turned to Amanda.
Just for a change. So much for her ever-present smile.
“The hat just made a horrible mistake,” she said sadly.
Yes, a student clearly knows better than the distilled wisdom of the four founders of Hogwarts. Tell me again how she doesn't have a conceited bone in her body.
“Tony will look out for her,” Amanda said reassuringly.
The announcement even caught Hermione by surprise as she momentarily neglected to announce the next name.
Because Hermione knows so much about this girl. As far as we've been told, all she did was go round to her house to explain that witches and wizards were real.
“Hat, are you awake?” Emily finally whispered. “Everyone is gawking at me.”
“Difficult. Extremely difficult,” a small voice said in her ear. “You could succeed in any of the houses. You’re not afraid of work and extremely loyal. Your mind is sharp and you are brave at heart: extremely cunning, too. Where to place you?”
“You put my sister in Gryffindor?
“Yes, but your sister leaned strongly. You are equally divided. Perhaps a shade more Gryffindor and Slytherin.”
“If it’s so equal and you feel I could succeed anywhere, perhaps you’d allow me to choose.”
“Very well, but I will narrow the choice to Gryffindor or Slytherin.”
Emily looked toward the Gryffindor table where Caitlin and Jamie were both watching her apprehensively. “That’s easy then. Place me in Gryf….”
Gryffindor was practically out of her mouth when her eye caught the Slytherin table. What she saw would change her life. Kim was sitting with her hands folded. She was not watching the sorting, but instead her eyes were trained on the ceiling. The girl seemed to be praying.
“She needs me,” Emily said her eyes moist. Please, sort me into…” The name caught in her throat. She couldn’t believe she was about to say it. “Slytherin.”
Emily is prepared to abandon her family and get Sorted into a house she hates for the sake of a girl she's only just met. It's supposed to show her as a wonderful paragon of the best of humanity, but really shows her as an idiot.
“I will not forget you Miss Zacherley; you were and will remain a mystery,” the hat said. “Even when you make a decision to be in one house it is using the logic of another.
If logic-bombing the Sorting Hat isn't on one of those "Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts" lists, it should be.
Very well, let it be SLYTHERIN!”
Hermione practically dropped her roll of parchment in shock as she looked to Harry for some sort of support.
Because there's no way Hermione can handle a surprising situation without a man to help her. I hate this fic.
Jamie burst into tears as Amanda and Caitlin consoled her.
Caitlin is apparently unfazed by the news. Evidence for the entire plot being driven by Caitlin's secret manipulations, perhaps?
The Great Hall was in shock. To most, the name Jamie Zacherley personified the Gryffindor qualities.
The Gryffindor qualities apparently include throwing a tantrum in the middle of the Great Hall when she doesn't agree with the Sorting Hat. So much for daring, nerve and chivalry.
Hermione dejectedly took her seat next to Harry. “Poor Emily,” she said. “The girl must be heart broken not to be in Gryffindor with Caitlin and Jamie.”
“I’m sure,” Harry agreed. “But I have the strangest feeling it was her choice to make.
Yay more conveniently accurate insights!
Whether it was or not; we now have a Slytherin among us.”
We have a subtitle drop!
“That will at times be a sticky state of affairs,” Hermione said after some deliberation. “As much as we care for Emily and it’s essential that she have our love and support, we are Gryffindors.”
”Emily is a bright, clever girl. She knows we’re not about to stop caring for her, but she also must realize that you are head of Gryffindor house and I’m a direct descendant of Godric Gryffindor.
I know this was written before JKR shut down the "Harry descended from Gryffindor" thing, but I always found it too contrived for my liking.
We’ll always be there to encourage her, but she must understand that when it comes to house battles we will be supporting Gryffindor. Speaking of houses…. where is the head of Slytherin house this evening?”
Draco, that is. Apparently you don't need experience to be a Head of House.
“I asked Severus the same question,” Hermione answered. “Draco didn’t give him a large amount of information when he owled that he would fail to make the sorting. He only told him that he had to meet with his lawyer, but would be here for breakfast and classes in the morning.”
“You don’t think it has anything to do with Timmy do you?” Harry asked, concern evident in his voice.
“Oh! I doubt it. “Not even Draco would be low enough to try to take Timmy away from Sam. Besides, he wouldn’t have a chance in the world. Sam is a fantastic mother.”
* * * * * *
“I won’t lie to you Professor Malfoy. Taking a child away from its natural mother is not easily accomplished, but I’ve succeeded on numerous occasions and I feel you have a first-rate case,” Legal representative Bullchip said as he rubbed his chin, an evil smile covering his face. “It’s a simple matter of adjusting a few facts and calling in some favors I’m owed. Having that youngster live in the same dwelling as a werewolf is, in my mind, clearly a case of child endangerment. If everything goes according to plan, he should be a ward of the ministry within two weeks. At that point we’ll go to court and illustrate that you’re the more suitable parent to have custody.”
Really? You're going to reveal Draco's evil scheme and the first hint of an actual plot in Hogwarts Too Exposed with a Gilligan cut? I suppose it's only the logical extreme of the author's usual approach to foreshadowing.