Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 23 part 1
Well, here's another chapter.Saturday, April 24, 2004
Jamie watched, as the large tawny owl seemed to fly out of the rising sun and then across the castle grounds on its way to deliver a letter. Spring had arrived at Hogwarts in all its splendid glory. The snows of winter were but a recollection as flowers adorned the lush green castle grounds.
As an allusion to how season transitions are done in the Harry Potter films, this isn't too bad. And it's more scene-setting and description than this fic normally gives us. The effect is spoiled when we get Jamie wangsting about clothes.
It was a gorgeous morning. Jamie slipped on her socks and running shoes and then hesitated. If only I could run like this. She shrugged her shoulders in disgust and searched her drawers for a pair of shorts and her running bra. Jamie started to put on the shorts and then stopped, turned off by their tight fit. Instead she put on a mini skirt and then stood staring at the restricting running bra. She hated how it literally smashed her breasts against her chest like a straight jacket.
She probably shouldn't go bra-shopping at the place Damien uses to outfit his cellar if it literally smashes her breasts. No wonder she doesn't like clothes. (And straitjackets don't literally smash people's breasts either, not to my knowledge.)
Call her crazy, but she loved the feeling of running naked and her breasts bouncing with each long stride.
She'll regret that in the decades to come.
She searched disgustedly in her drawers and finally decided on a loose fitting mini top.
The author seems to have learned the difference between "disgustedly" and "disgustingly", at any rate.
Amanda had begged off running for the morning, so she ran down the stairs to meet Alex.
Apparently she was there all along, saying and doing nothing, until she's finally mentioned as she leaves. That or she materialised out of thin air.
She had no more than entered the common room when Alex came bounding down the steps followed by Randy and Matt. Alex took one look at Jamie and said, “Aren’t you running this morning?”
There's no scene transition, so it reads as though Amanda hijacked the POV and took it downstairs with no mention of Jamie accompanying her. I don't know how anyone manages to actually read this fic without getting a headache, let alone enjoy it, even if (bleurgh) the content appeals to them. The recently deleted "Love It Or Hate It" entry on TVTropes claimed that some people consider it to be well written. Which I suppose it could be, if you ignore the spelling, punctuation, grammar, word usage, structure, viewpoint, continuity, pacing, characterisation, consistency and the fact that the author never shows us anything he could tell us instead. And once you've done that, there's no fic left. The only actual fan of the fic I've talked to admitted to having something of a tin ear for writing, which explains a lot.
I've read things that were intentionally written to be bad that are still better than Hogwarts Exposed, put it that way. And I'm only talking about the writing here. The content pushes it even further into Do Not Want territory.
“Jamie,” Alex said calmly. How can you exercise dressed like that? You’ll be exposed. You may as well exercise nude.”
“And would you please explain what would be so awful about that? Who exactly would I be hurting in I ran in the buff this morning?” Jamie angrily asked. “It’s not fair. Why do I always have to be so uncomfortable?”
At that moment Caitlin enter the Common Room wearing a pair of baggy short shorts and a mini top that just covered her nipples. “What’s not fair?”
Yes, explain to the girl who's been telepathically tortured how wearing clothes is uncomfortable.
Caitlin looked wonderingly at Jamie. “I’ve never been naked outside. What’s it like, Jamie?”
[...]
“Not that you have anything to show, but what you’re wearing displays everything too, Caitlin,” Randy added.
I guess that's why he's Randy.
“Caitlin, I think you’re beautiful, but in defense of Randy, you do show everything in that outfit. When you lay back during sit-ups, your upper chest is wholly exposed and your private area is fully on display up the legs of the shorts.” Matt stated.
"Private area"? He's not even trying to make him sound like an eleven-year-old boy, is he? I'd accept "privates" and a lot less verbosity. Also, he seems unable to decide whether he's talking in the past or present tense: it should be either "when you lay back... your upper chest was" or "when you lie back... your upper chest is".
Randy nodded his head in agreement.
As opposed to?
Jamie looked disgustedly around the room as the others agreed with Alex. ‘Okay, wait for me while I go change.” Jamie quickly ran up to her dorm and in a few moments revoltingly returned in her shorts and running bra. “Caitlin, aren’t you going to change?”
So nothing at all happened between her leaving and "revoltingly" returning. Everyone just stood frozen in space and time.
“Why? As Randy said, I have the breasts of a five year old. It’s no big deal if anyone sees them, and as for my pubic area, only the holder sees that when I do sit-ups. You don’t mind holding my ankles today; do you Matt?”
Randy knew he had screwed up and that Caitlin was angry with him. He could only watch as Matt shook his head indicating that he most certainly didn’t mind.
Because I'd never have been able to figure out what shaking his head signifies in this context.
With the warm weather, the group’s numbers had once again increased. Even Ginny had taken up the morning routine. The big surprise was that she had partnering with Draco for the exercising, and they actually seemed to be talking and getting along. As soon as Hermione saw Jamie, she knew something was bothering her. Jamie’s ever-present smile was missing this morning.
Ever-present? Really? Even when her parents were killed, her favourite teacher kidnapped and her adopted little sister figure hospitalised?
“Is something the matter, Jamie?” she inquired. At first Jamie shook her head no,
This redundancy just gets more and more annoying as the fic goes on.
but then said, “I’ve just been frustrated lately.
Join the club.
Harry slowly paced the corridor that led to the staircase for the Headmaster’s office. Hermione had assured him that the interviews of the candidates would be over by eleven o’clock; it was now eleven-thirty. He looked up as he finally heard someone descending the staircase. Harry couldn’t believe his eyes. It wasn’t because the woman was wearing knee high boots with an extremely short skirt, or that her blouse was cut quite low, exposing an inordinate amount of her chest. It was because the young woman was Katie Bell, but certainly not the same Katie Bell he had dated in the summer prior to his seventh year.
Because she'd grown over the summer, changing curves in all the right places. Or something like that. Is the Harry/Katie fling a Psychic Serpent thing?
Katie ran to Harry as soon as she saw him, wrapping her arms around him and kissing him firmly on the lips. Harry timidly returned her kiss. Katie sensed Harry’s hesitancy and broke the embrace. “Harry it’s so good to see you again. I just got done talking to Hermione. I’m so glad you both finally woke up to the realization that you were meant for each other.”
Katie speaks in the same unnatural voice as the rest of the cast. Now my own experience gives me a natural antipathy towards "everyone thinks you'd be perfect together" relationships: I picture Harry and Hermione in a couple of years' time, when everyone else loses interest and the pressure to stay together is no longer there, having a particularly vicious break-up.
At first Harry was at a loss for words. “Katie, you’re looking marvelous. What brings you to Hogwarts?”
Well, he recovered from being at a loss for words very quickly.
“I was interviewing for the position of Care of Magical Creatures instructor.”
Harry was flabbergasted. “I don’t understand. You were headed to Auror training the last time I saw you. What happened?”
The author is too busy with the expospeak to show us Harry's flabbergastedness (?) rather than telling us about it.
Before Harry could say anything Katie threw her arms around him and stretched to kiss him once again. This time she kissed his cheek, but Harry still blushed intensely. It was at that split second that Draco and Ginny turned the corner.
Draco and Ginny have barely interacted with Harry in the entire story, and they choose this precise moment to run into him?
“Wow!” Draco responded. “The years certainly have been kind to her. You were busy snogging and probably didn’t notice but she has great legs that end up making one beautiful ass out of themselves.
In contrast, the author makes a very not beautiful ass out of himself.
Harry looked angrily at the two. “She was kissing me. I wasn’t kissing her. Besides she was just excited. Katie was just hired as Charlie’s replacement.”
“Well, that will certainly have a positive affect on the landscape,” Draco said in his best sexist manor.
*gasp* Sexism, in this fic? Surely not. ( Also.)
Draco ran after her and put his hand on her shoulder, just as Headmaster Snape and Hermione descended the stairs.
In contrast to Draco and Ginny appearing out of nowhere, this doesn't look contrived because Snape and Hermione had already been established as being in the office.
Severus first looked at Ginny and then at Draco. His face had the strangest look, a combination of anger and hurt, but mostly fear. He turned and swiftly ascended the stairs. Ginny rushed past Hermione and followed the Headmaster up the stairs. “Wait, Severus. Please, we have to talk.”
Hermione first looked at Harry and then at Draco before saying, “Do I want to know what’s going on here?”
“Depends,” Draco answered smugly. Does it bother you if your future husband snogs sexy girls in the halls of Hogwarts?” Draco walked off leaving Hermione staring at a pale Harry.
Burn!
“Harry, what was that all about with Ginny and Draco.”
“You’ve got me. Two months ago they were barely speaking to each other and today it seemed like they were fighting over Draco’s appreciation of Katie’s outfit. It looked like Ginny was upset. Speaking of upset, did you see the look on Severus’s face? Why was he so disturbed over Draco and Ginny arguing?”
“Severus has been rather protective of Ginny since her father died,” Hermione said. “I don’t think he wants to see her hurt by Draco again.” Harry didn’t argue the point, but he didn’t think the look on Severus’ face had been one of a concerned father figure.
The key word for the whole "who's Ginny's secret date?" business is, yet again, "contrived" - the reader not knowing who she was with would be natural if we'd seen the meeting from the POV of an outside observer who'd maybe only overheard her half of the conversation, but as we were ostensibly in her POV it doesn't make sense. Continued...