Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 23 part 3
It occurs to me that there's not much of the fic actually left. We should be heading towards the grand finale, but instead we're putzing around with three naked girls and a pair of delinquents with the real villains nowhere in sight. Apparently the author fails pacing as comprehensively as he fails every other aspect of the writer's craft.
“Land near the changing rooms,” Dick said. “We’ll walk to the castle from there.”
“Okay,” Crow answered. His stomach felt better, but he still had a wicked headache. He rubbed his eyes with his hand and as he did so, he saw an unbelievable sight on the Quidditch Pitch.
Are his hands transparent?
“Dick, you won’t believe this,” Crow said. “Look over at the Quidditch Pitch.”
Bancroft yawned as he turned his head in the direction indicated by his mate. What he saw almost made him fall off his broom. It most certainly made him stop yawning. “Damn! This is unbelievable. Quick, land before they spot us.”
The two Slytherins brought their brooms to rest between the forest tree line and the Quidditch Changing Rooms. Swiftly they ran to a vantage point where they could see, but not be seen.
We don't actually know what they see. Well, we do because we saw what was going on earlier in the chapter, but we haven't actually had a description from Dick's and/or Crow's POV of what they find so fascinating.
“Did you get a good look at them?” Bancroft asked. “Do you know who they are?”
“Nah, we landed too rapidly. From the long hair, I’d say they were unquestionably all girls. Two young ones and one older.”
You can really tell he's drunk, can't you?
As Bancroft studied the girls, suddenly he realized who the older girl was. “Shit, that’s Zacherley. What luck. Will you look at that pair of tits bounce? Damn, I wish they were closer so we could get a good look.”
Yes, Jamie is that much of a Sue that even the guy who tried to kill her can't stop drooling over her. Because that makes so much sense. But I suppose when you've got someone attempting murder over a school sports fixture, making sense isn't a priority. Anyway, Dick earns a Stupid Villain point for allowing his henchman to see that he's got a weakness for their enemy. In the hands of a competent writer, this would be nice foreshadowing for a scene in which Crow upstages Dick in a suitably embarrassing fashion and usurps his position as cock of the school. As it were.
“Who do you think the other two are?” Crow asked.
“Who the hell cares?
An apt response.
Neither one looks like they have anything worth checking out. One is probably that brat Granger adopted. She and Zacherley are attached at the hips. Damn, I wonder if they do this often? Crazy bitches, running around completely starkers.”
Dick has another Strawman Has a Point moment: they're in Scotland in April, for goodness' sake.
As they ran for the forest, Dick saw a sight before him that made a perfect day even more perfect. “Will you look at that Crow? Their robes. Quick, help me grab them and let’s get out of here.”
How very convenient and not at all obvious that this would happen as soon as they left their robes behind.
Dennis suddenly looked extremely disappointed. “I thought we were going to hide and get a close look at Zacherley’s tits and pussy.”
I'm in two minds over the word "pussy". It's known in EN-GB but it's not that common a usage unless someone's making a joke referencing the double meaning. If we're talking schoolboys, I think "minge" or "fanny" would be more authentic.
“All in good time. Think about it. No clothes. With the sun setting it will get much colder.
As opposed to the searing daytime temperatures in, if I may reiterate, Scotland in April.
They’ll be hungry. They’ll be forced to walk to the castle as they are and guess who’ll be at the door to greet them with the whole Slytherin house at his side.”
I thought they were all idiots?
“Yeah, yeah, but I’ve never seen a girl naked.
So much for the wizard net.
And it’s not just any girl; it’s Zacherley.”
When even her rival and his sidekick have the hots for your female lead, it's probably safe to say she's a Sue.
“Later. This is an opportunity too good to pass up.”
Within moments they were running toward the castle shielded by the trees. They were gone long before the girls nonchalantly returned to the area of the Changing Rooms.
Ow! I think I've got whiplash from the POV shift.
“Jamie, that was fun. So much better than when we run in the morning. Can we do it again?” Emily asked excitedly.
It's not like it was possible to infer excitement from that comment without the author there to tell us.
“Excuse me, but after all we are nudists.” Emily said indignantly. “I’m as angry as you guys that some jerk stole our robes, but what’s the big deal. So a few people see us naked. Who cares?”
“Emily, how many times does it have to be explained to you?
Almost as many times as the author thinks things have to be explained to us.
We live in the world of the clothed. If we don’t follow their rules we will be ostracized.
Just like she has been throughout the fic! Oh, wait.
“Okay, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
No change there then.
Emily sat her bare butt on a large rock.
Scotland. In April.
“Well, did the brain trust come up with any ideas yet?” Emily asked sarcastically.
That was sarcastic? I'd never have guessed.
“But what if they think something bad happened to us and they have the whole school search?” Emily inquired.
“If that happens, then the whole school will know we are naturists and we’ll just have to learn to live with it.” Jamie said.
I'm still not buying the "everyone will turn on them if they find out they're naturists" thing. Nobody in the entire fic so far has had a problem with it. Even in the real world, I don't think all that many people would be fussed if they found out someone was a naturist unless they tried to force it on them.
“I don’t know, but I would hardly blame them if they did.” Jamie answered in a depressed manner.
Upon which she cut her wrists with Linkin Park playing at full volume. Sorry, wrong Sue and wrong fic.
Caitlin and Jamie both simply nodded in agreement.
I didn't know you could nod in disagreement.
It had been a rather quiet dinner until suddenly Dick Bancroft rushed into the Great Hall. All of a sudden the noise level at the Slytherin table increased. Within minutes most of the Slytherins had shoveled down the balance of their food
I hate this fic.
Amanda shook her head in frustration. “Jamie’s not ashamed of being a nudist, but she wanted to keep it from the other houses because people have a tendency to treat nudists as if there is something wrong with them.”
A tendency that's been demonstrated not at all in the course of this fic.
“Well, it won’t be a secret much longer. Not unless, Jamie knows an underground way back into the castle. They’re all taking their wands and cameras.
Since when were cameras a standard part of the Hogwarts student's luggage? As far as I know, only Colin Creevey had one in canon. ETA: I swear that pun was not intentional.
Dick intends to illuminate the sky as if it were daylight.
This sentence is hilarious out of context.
Tony’s face looked as if he thought preventing this was impossible. “I have to go with them or I won’t be considered a loyal Slytherin. Just wanted to let you know what was going on. Wish there was something we could do to help the girls.”
Amanda gave Tony a quick peck on the cheek and then watched as he hurried to join the Slytherin lynch mob.
Dammit, don't get our hopes up like that. Anyway, they accost Harry and Hermione on their way out of the Great Hall:
As soon as Hermione saw the panic in Alex’s eyes, she ushered the two students to the side of the rapidly emptying hall. As Alex explained the situation, Hermione looked at Harry in frustration. “If only I had told them about the spell this morning, this could have been prevented.”
So she was about to tell them a spell that could have prevented all this, but didn't. As if this clusterfuck of contrived coincidences needed yet another one piled on top.
Continued...
“Land near the changing rooms,” Dick said. “We’ll walk to the castle from there.”
“Okay,” Crow answered. His stomach felt better, but he still had a wicked headache. He rubbed his eyes with his hand and as he did so, he saw an unbelievable sight on the Quidditch Pitch.
Are his hands transparent?
“Dick, you won’t believe this,” Crow said. “Look over at the Quidditch Pitch.”
Bancroft yawned as he turned his head in the direction indicated by his mate. What he saw almost made him fall off his broom. It most certainly made him stop yawning. “Damn! This is unbelievable. Quick, land before they spot us.”
The two Slytherins brought their brooms to rest between the forest tree line and the Quidditch Changing Rooms. Swiftly they ran to a vantage point where they could see, but not be seen.
We don't actually know what they see. Well, we do because we saw what was going on earlier in the chapter, but we haven't actually had a description from Dick's and/or Crow's POV of what they find so fascinating.
“Did you get a good look at them?” Bancroft asked. “Do you know who they are?”
“Nah, we landed too rapidly. From the long hair, I’d say they were unquestionably all girls. Two young ones and one older.”
You can really tell he's drunk, can't you?
As Bancroft studied the girls, suddenly he realized who the older girl was. “Shit, that’s Zacherley. What luck. Will you look at that pair of tits bounce? Damn, I wish they were closer so we could get a good look.”
Yes, Jamie is that much of a Sue that even the guy who tried to kill her can't stop drooling over her. Because that makes so much sense. But I suppose when you've got someone attempting murder over a school sports fixture, making sense isn't a priority. Anyway, Dick earns a Stupid Villain point for allowing his henchman to see that he's got a weakness for their enemy. In the hands of a competent writer, this would be nice foreshadowing for a scene in which Crow upstages Dick in a suitably embarrassing fashion and usurps his position as cock of the school. As it were.
“Who do you think the other two are?” Crow asked.
“Who the hell cares?
An apt response.
Neither one looks like they have anything worth checking out. One is probably that brat Granger adopted. She and Zacherley are attached at the hips. Damn, I wonder if they do this often? Crazy bitches, running around completely starkers.”
Dick has another Strawman Has a Point moment: they're in Scotland in April, for goodness' sake.
As they ran for the forest, Dick saw a sight before him that made a perfect day even more perfect. “Will you look at that Crow? Their robes. Quick, help me grab them and let’s get out of here.”
How very convenient and not at all obvious that this would happen as soon as they left their robes behind.
Dennis suddenly looked extremely disappointed. “I thought we were going to hide and get a close look at Zacherley’s tits and pussy.”
I'm in two minds over the word "pussy". It's known in EN-GB but it's not that common a usage unless someone's making a joke referencing the double meaning. If we're talking schoolboys, I think "minge" or "fanny" would be more authentic.
“All in good time. Think about it. No clothes. With the sun setting it will get much colder.
As opposed to the searing daytime temperatures in, if I may reiterate, Scotland in April.
They’ll be hungry. They’ll be forced to walk to the castle as they are and guess who’ll be at the door to greet them with the whole Slytherin house at his side.”
I thought they were all idiots?
“Yeah, yeah, but I’ve never seen a girl naked.
So much for the wizard net.
And it’s not just any girl; it’s Zacherley.”
When even her rival and his sidekick have the hots for your female lead, it's probably safe to say she's a Sue.
“Later. This is an opportunity too good to pass up.”
Within moments they were running toward the castle shielded by the trees. They were gone long before the girls nonchalantly returned to the area of the Changing Rooms.
Ow! I think I've got whiplash from the POV shift.
“Jamie, that was fun. So much better than when we run in the morning. Can we do it again?” Emily asked excitedly.
It's not like it was possible to infer excitement from that comment without the author there to tell us.
“Excuse me, but after all we are nudists.” Emily said indignantly. “I’m as angry as you guys that some jerk stole our robes, but what’s the big deal. So a few people see us naked. Who cares?”
“Emily, how many times does it have to be explained to you?
Almost as many times as the author thinks things have to be explained to us.
We live in the world of the clothed. If we don’t follow their rules we will be ostracized.
Just like she has been throughout the fic! Oh, wait.
“Okay, I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
No change there then.
Emily sat her bare butt on a large rock.
Scotland. In April.
“Well, did the brain trust come up with any ideas yet?” Emily asked sarcastically.
That was sarcastic? I'd never have guessed.
“But what if they think something bad happened to us and they have the whole school search?” Emily inquired.
“If that happens, then the whole school will know we are naturists and we’ll just have to learn to live with it.” Jamie said.
I'm still not buying the "everyone will turn on them if they find out they're naturists" thing. Nobody in the entire fic so far has had a problem with it. Even in the real world, I don't think all that many people would be fussed if they found out someone was a naturist unless they tried to force it on them.
“I don’t know, but I would hardly blame them if they did.” Jamie answered in a depressed manner.
Upon which she cut her wrists with Linkin Park playing at full volume. Sorry, wrong Sue and wrong fic.
Caitlin and Jamie both simply nodded in agreement.
I didn't know you could nod in disagreement.
It had been a rather quiet dinner until suddenly Dick Bancroft rushed into the Great Hall. All of a sudden the noise level at the Slytherin table increased. Within minutes most of the Slytherins had shoveled down the balance of their food
I hate this fic.
Amanda shook her head in frustration. “Jamie’s not ashamed of being a nudist, but she wanted to keep it from the other houses because people have a tendency to treat nudists as if there is something wrong with them.”
A tendency that's been demonstrated not at all in the course of this fic.
“Well, it won’t be a secret much longer. Not unless, Jamie knows an underground way back into the castle. They’re all taking their wands and cameras.
Since when were cameras a standard part of the Hogwarts student's luggage? As far as I know, only Colin Creevey had one in canon. ETA: I swear that pun was not intentional.
Dick intends to illuminate the sky as if it were daylight.
This sentence is hilarious out of context.
Tony’s face looked as if he thought preventing this was impossible. “I have to go with them or I won’t be considered a loyal Slytherin. Just wanted to let you know what was going on. Wish there was something we could do to help the girls.”
Amanda gave Tony a quick peck on the cheek and then watched as he hurried to join the Slytherin lynch mob.
Dammit, don't get our hopes up like that. Anyway, they accost Harry and Hermione on their way out of the Great Hall:
As soon as Hermione saw the panic in Alex’s eyes, she ushered the two students to the side of the rapidly emptying hall. As Alex explained the situation, Hermione looked at Harry in frustration. “If only I had told them about the spell this morning, this could have been prevented.”
So she was about to tell them a spell that could have prevented all this, but didn't. As if this clusterfuck of contrived coincidences needed yet another one piled on top.
Continued...