Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 5 part 1
Happy belated birthday, amideadn0w!
Ah, the train scene. Just when you thought Hogwarts Exposed couldn't fail any harder, along comes something else. This always happens and will always keep happening, so why I'm even a bit surprised I don't know.
Jamie couldn’t believe her eyes. A young girl was hanging inverted from the passageway ceiling of the train. Her shoes, approximately three feet apart, gave the appearance of being glued there. Evidently she had given up the hopelessness of covering herself and was now simply crying uncontrollably.
Like everyone in Hogwarts Exposed, but at least this person has a reason. Also, it seems like sexual harassment is the only kind of bullying that ever happens at Exposed!Hogwarts, because everything has to be about sex all the damn time because it's ~*realistic~* or some shit. Seriously, that's what he said. That's also why Wrong's minions sexually abuse their captives. Because the Cruciatus curse is for wimps, right?
“She doesn’t have bad legs for an eleven year old,” Tony observed.
“Cute little butt, too,” added Alex.
Go throw yourselves under the train, both of you.
Jamie looked at both Tony and Alex with disgust. “If you two pigs are done giving scores to her various body parts, I could use some assistance getting her down.” Jamie glared at Tony. “Just what makes you so sure she’s a first year?” she inquired.
“We all know Bancroft did this,” Tony declared.
How do they know he did this? It's obvious to us because the author didn't bother to give us more than one suspect, but why are the characters so convinced that Dick the dick is the only person at the school who's enough of a (well) dick to do this?
“Dick wouldn’t have the courage to attack anyone who might know a counter curse. He’d prefer a scared first year with no friends to be witnesses.”
After his comment about the young girl’s butt, Alex was disinclined to speak, but added, “The Powerpuff Girls knickers sort of pointed toward her being a first year, too.”
Apparently Alex knows the significance of this, so he's versed in Muggle popular culture somehow. Is he Muggle-born? Actually, we don't know anything at all about him. There's been no indication of his background, his personality or even what he looks like. All we know is that Jamie is obsessed with his willy. And that he'd rather stare at an eleven-year-old girl's arse than do anything to help her. I hate this fic.
“Tony, hold her shoulders so she doesn’t hit her head,” Jamie instructed. “Alex, be ready to catch her.” As soon as the boys were in position, Jamie pointed her wand at the girl’s feet and said, “Finite Incantatum.”
Having mispronounced Finite Incantatem, the ensuing spell backfire caused an explosion that derailed the train. The End. Also, I like how it's taken so long for it to occur to them that helping the poor girl down might not be such a bad idea.
Alex bounded after her and only just prevented her from opening the exit door and stepping off the speeding train.
Not you, them!
“Take it easy sweetie!” he hollered as he held the struggling girl tightly. “We’re the good guys. Where do you think you’re going?”
“Any place, but Hogwarts,” she blubbered. “I need to get back to my mum; to normal people.”
That "blubber" is an inherently funny word doesn't help the drama here, because it feels like the very narrative is mocking the character we're supposed to feel sorry for. This isn't the only problem with overwrought said-bookisms, nor even the main one, but it's certainly something to watch out for.
“But I want to go back,” the girl implored. “I want to stay with my mum. I don’t want to be a witch.”
“Do you remember Professor Granger, the nice witch that visited you and your parents?” Jamie asked sympathetically.
How does she know that Hermione visited the girl's parents? She doesn't even know who she is yet!
The girl nodded her head yes.
GAAAAAAH!
“No one is forced to go to Hogwarts, but I wouldn’t make a rash choice based on your encounter with that low life,” Jamie encouraged. “Even muggle schools have bullies. The number of nice people you’ll come across will far exceed the ones like him.”
Which is why only Jamie saw fit to actually help her and everyone else (including her supposedly-perfect boyfriend) was content to mock her. That makes sense.
“Do you know who it was?” The girl inquired. “I never got to see him.”
“We have a good idea,” Jamie said disheartened.
She's disheartened that she does know? This doesn't follow.
“Possibly, we could have seen that he was punished if you had obtained a good look at him.”
That's where if anywhere the comment about Jamie being disheartened belonged.
“It doesn’t matter what he considered it,” Jamie said, her face turning red with anger. “The first comment out of your mouth when you saw her was of a sexual nature.”
What's with that anyway? Why haven't Jamie and Amanda dumped Alex and Tony on the spot because they're fucking paedophiles?
“Jamie, I think that’s enough,” Amanda said, trying to head off an argument. “You and Tony getting into a quarrel in front of our new friend is not going to help change her opinion of Hogwarts and its students. By the way, what’s your name honey?”
“Kim, Kim Thatcher,” the girl said shyly.
I said when she was first introduced that:
And, like every halfway likeable character in Hogwarts Exposed (see also: Ron) she exists for the sole purpose of being shat on from a great height.
And so it begins.
“Did she say your name was Zacherley?” Kim questioned, excitement in her eyes. “I met you sister, Emily, when we were being measured for our robes. We were going to look for each other today.”
If the comments on previous chapters are anything to go by, this is a mistake.
“If that’s the case, why don’t we get you situated in her compartment,” Jamie offered. “I should go and report what took place to the head boy and girl.”
I'm calling it now: Jamie will be Head Girl in the next fic.
“It must have been Dick Bancroft,” Caitlin said. “That’s his favorite spell. He pulled it a couple of times last year on unsuspecting first years.”
What would actually be interesting here is if Dick the dick was innocent this time and whoever cast the spell was trying to set him up because they knew he had a history of doing that.
“He preferred girls over boys, of course,” Randy commented.
“What’s the difference?” Emily asked. “Hanging a person powerless from the ceiling like that is malicious no matter what the sex. Being magical is a wonderful gift, not a power to use over the less fortunate or inexperienced.”
I want to look at this in light of one of the Yahoo comments:
The dialogue for all the characters is very appropriate and matches their styles. It is also very realistic dialogue; it sounds like that which people would really say.
If you think that is appropriate for and matches the style of what a typical eleven-year-old would really say, then you are wrong. No two ways about it; your mileage will not vary. You are absolutely, unequivocally and objectively wrong.
“I think Randy meant that Bancroft preferred girls because their bare legs and knickers showed,” Matt explained.
This is going to be just as much the case for boys as it is for girls, because they wear exactly the same robes. And are just as likely to be wearing trousers underneath, if we're going by the films.
“What’s the big deal about that?” Emily asked. “I’d be infuriated that someone had taken advantage of me and put me in such a vulnerable position. Who cares if people see your legs?”
Emily the queen of tact.
“It wasn’t just my legs,” Kim said almost defensively. “My knickers were totally exposed.
One might even go so far as to say they were too exposed.
... I'll get my coat.
It’s easy for you to say, who cares, but I bet you’ve never been in a position where people could see your knickers.”
Randy couldn’t help but snicker. “She has you there, Emily. I bet no one has ever seen your knickers?”
“I know I never have,” Matt laughed.
“You guys are dreadful,” Caitlin said, trying to hold back a chuckle.
Because this is a perfectly appropriate time to be laughing and joking about knickers.
“You all think this is hilarious, don’t you?” Kim asked angrily.
At least someone here's got some sense.
Kim made a move to get up and leave, but Emily slid over and put her hand on the girl’s leg, gently pushing her back down. “Please, don’t go. They’re not making fun of you. It’s in regards to me they’re joking. What happened to you was wrong, period.”
Full stop.
Kim paused. “But it was an appalling thing to do to anyone. Why would it be funny if someone did it to you?” she asked, confused.
“It wouldn’t be. It was the comment you made about the knickers.” Emily looked to Caitlin for assistance. “Can I tell her?”
So this whole misbegotten scene existed as nothing more than an excuse for the new girl to learn about naturists. Wonderful.
“Kim, we scarcely are acquainted with each other, but I’m going to confide in you,” Emily said, hopeful she would not come to dread her decision.
I don't see why she would, because it's not like anyone's faced any negative consequences from people learning that they're nudists. Despite the author's insistence that they're as oppressed as racial and religious minorities. (What was with that, anyway? Quite aside from the stunning lack of perspective and the fact that she's eleven, why's a witch addressing an audience of Hogwarts students going on about Muggle social issues as though her audience understands or even cares about them?)
“Caitlin and I are to a certain extent different from most witches you’ll meet at Hogwarts.”
“Different in what way?” Kim asked nervously.
"We're Mary Sues."
Ah, the train scene. Just when you thought Hogwarts Exposed couldn't fail any harder, along comes something else. This always happens and will always keep happening, so why I'm even a bit surprised I don't know.
Jamie couldn’t believe her eyes. A young girl was hanging inverted from the passageway ceiling of the train. Her shoes, approximately three feet apart, gave the appearance of being glued there. Evidently she had given up the hopelessness of covering herself and was now simply crying uncontrollably.
Like everyone in Hogwarts Exposed, but at least this person has a reason. Also, it seems like sexual harassment is the only kind of bullying that ever happens at Exposed!Hogwarts, because everything has to be about sex all the damn time because it's ~*realistic~* or some shit. Seriously, that's what he said. That's also why Wrong's minions sexually abuse their captives. Because the Cruciatus curse is for wimps, right?
“She doesn’t have bad legs for an eleven year old,” Tony observed.
“Cute little butt, too,” added Alex.
Go throw yourselves under the train, both of you.
Jamie looked at both Tony and Alex with disgust. “If you two pigs are done giving scores to her various body parts, I could use some assistance getting her down.” Jamie glared at Tony. “Just what makes you so sure she’s a first year?” she inquired.
“We all know Bancroft did this,” Tony declared.
How do they know he did this? It's obvious to us because the author didn't bother to give us more than one suspect, but why are the characters so convinced that Dick the dick is the only person at the school who's enough of a (well) dick to do this?
“Dick wouldn’t have the courage to attack anyone who might know a counter curse. He’d prefer a scared first year with no friends to be witnesses.”
After his comment about the young girl’s butt, Alex was disinclined to speak, but added, “The Powerpuff Girls knickers sort of pointed toward her being a first year, too.”
Apparently Alex knows the significance of this, so he's versed in Muggle popular culture somehow. Is he Muggle-born? Actually, we don't know anything at all about him. There's been no indication of his background, his personality or even what he looks like. All we know is that Jamie is obsessed with his willy. And that he'd rather stare at an eleven-year-old girl's arse than do anything to help her. I hate this fic.
“Tony, hold her shoulders so she doesn’t hit her head,” Jamie instructed. “Alex, be ready to catch her.” As soon as the boys were in position, Jamie pointed her wand at the girl’s feet and said, “Finite Incantatum.”
Having mispronounced Finite Incantatem, the ensuing spell backfire caused an explosion that derailed the train. The End. Also, I like how it's taken so long for it to occur to them that helping the poor girl down might not be such a bad idea.
Alex bounded after her and only just prevented her from opening the exit door and stepping off the speeding train.
Not you, them!
“Take it easy sweetie!” he hollered as he held the struggling girl tightly. “We’re the good guys. Where do you think you’re going?”
“Any place, but Hogwarts,” she blubbered. “I need to get back to my mum; to normal people.”
That "blubber" is an inherently funny word doesn't help the drama here, because it feels like the very narrative is mocking the character we're supposed to feel sorry for. This isn't the only problem with overwrought said-bookisms, nor even the main one, but it's certainly something to watch out for.
“But I want to go back,” the girl implored. “I want to stay with my mum. I don’t want to be a witch.”
“Do you remember Professor Granger, the nice witch that visited you and your parents?” Jamie asked sympathetically.
How does she know that Hermione visited the girl's parents? She doesn't even know who she is yet!
The girl nodded her head yes.
GAAAAAAH!
“No one is forced to go to Hogwarts, but I wouldn’t make a rash choice based on your encounter with that low life,” Jamie encouraged. “Even muggle schools have bullies. The number of nice people you’ll come across will far exceed the ones like him.”
Which is why only Jamie saw fit to actually help her and everyone else (including her supposedly-perfect boyfriend) was content to mock her. That makes sense.
“Do you know who it was?” The girl inquired. “I never got to see him.”
“We have a good idea,” Jamie said disheartened.
She's disheartened that she does know? This doesn't follow.
“Possibly, we could have seen that he was punished if you had obtained a good look at him.”
That's where if anywhere the comment about Jamie being disheartened belonged.
“It doesn’t matter what he considered it,” Jamie said, her face turning red with anger. “The first comment out of your mouth when you saw her was of a sexual nature.”
What's with that anyway? Why haven't Jamie and Amanda dumped Alex and Tony on the spot because they're fucking paedophiles?
“Jamie, I think that’s enough,” Amanda said, trying to head off an argument. “You and Tony getting into a quarrel in front of our new friend is not going to help change her opinion of Hogwarts and its students. By the way, what’s your name honey?”
“Kim, Kim Thatcher,” the girl said shyly.
I said when she was first introduced that:
And, like every halfway likeable character in Hogwarts Exposed (see also: Ron) she exists for the sole purpose of being shat on from a great height.
And so it begins.
“Did she say your name was Zacherley?” Kim questioned, excitement in her eyes. “I met you sister, Emily, when we were being measured for our robes. We were going to look for each other today.”
If the comments on previous chapters are anything to go by, this is a mistake.
“If that’s the case, why don’t we get you situated in her compartment,” Jamie offered. “I should go and report what took place to the head boy and girl.”
I'm calling it now: Jamie will be Head Girl in the next fic.
“It must have been Dick Bancroft,” Caitlin said. “That’s his favorite spell. He pulled it a couple of times last year on unsuspecting first years.”
What would actually be interesting here is if Dick the dick was innocent this time and whoever cast the spell was trying to set him up because they knew he had a history of doing that.
“He preferred girls over boys, of course,” Randy commented.
“What’s the difference?” Emily asked. “Hanging a person powerless from the ceiling like that is malicious no matter what the sex. Being magical is a wonderful gift, not a power to use over the less fortunate or inexperienced.”
I want to look at this in light of one of the Yahoo comments:
The dialogue for all the characters is very appropriate and matches their styles. It is also very realistic dialogue; it sounds like that which people would really say.
If you think that is appropriate for and matches the style of what a typical eleven-year-old would really say, then you are wrong. No two ways about it; your mileage will not vary. You are absolutely, unequivocally and objectively wrong.
“I think Randy meant that Bancroft preferred girls because their bare legs and knickers showed,” Matt explained.
This is going to be just as much the case for boys as it is for girls, because they wear exactly the same robes. And are just as likely to be wearing trousers underneath, if we're going by the films.
“What’s the big deal about that?” Emily asked. “I’d be infuriated that someone had taken advantage of me and put me in such a vulnerable position. Who cares if people see your legs?”
Emily the queen of tact.
“It wasn’t just my legs,” Kim said almost defensively. “My knickers were totally exposed.
One might even go so far as to say they were too exposed.
... I'll get my coat.
It’s easy for you to say, who cares, but I bet you’ve never been in a position where people could see your knickers.”
Randy couldn’t help but snicker. “She has you there, Emily. I bet no one has ever seen your knickers?”
“I know I never have,” Matt laughed.
“You guys are dreadful,” Caitlin said, trying to hold back a chuckle.
Because this is a perfectly appropriate time to be laughing and joking about knickers.
“You all think this is hilarious, don’t you?” Kim asked angrily.
At least someone here's got some sense.
Kim made a move to get up and leave, but Emily slid over and put her hand on the girl’s leg, gently pushing her back down. “Please, don’t go. They’re not making fun of you. It’s in regards to me they’re joking. What happened to you was wrong, period.”
Full stop.
Kim paused. “But it was an appalling thing to do to anyone. Why would it be funny if someone did it to you?” she asked, confused.
“It wouldn’t be. It was the comment you made about the knickers.” Emily looked to Caitlin for assistance. “Can I tell her?”
So this whole misbegotten scene existed as nothing more than an excuse for the new girl to learn about naturists. Wonderful.
“Kim, we scarcely are acquainted with each other, but I’m going to confide in you,” Emily said, hopeful she would not come to dread her decision.
I don't see why she would, because it's not like anyone's faced any negative consequences from people learning that they're nudists. Despite the author's insistence that they're as oppressed as racial and religious minorities. (What was with that, anyway? Quite aside from the stunning lack of perspective and the fact that she's eleven, why's a witch addressing an audience of Hogwarts students going on about Muggle social issues as though her audience understands or even cares about them?)
“Caitlin and I are to a certain extent different from most witches you’ll meet at Hogwarts.”
“Different in what way?” Kim asked nervously.
"We're Mary Sues."