Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 4 part 5
And so it's finally time for Hogwarts Too Exposed to go to Hogwarts. The author commented that he'd only intended the "vacation" to last a single chapter but got carried away, and that explains a lot.
At four in the morning, Emily, inquiring if it was time to get ready for the train, awakened Hermione.
This sentence isn't strictly wrong, but it's still a mess. A diagram might help us disentangle it:
The thrust of the sentence is the top line: the subject, verb and object. It flows a lot better if we move these to the front:
Emily awakened Hermione at four in the morning, inquiring if it was time to get ready for the train.
We've got a sense of immediacy here that was lacking before, and in a scene where someone's being woken in the small hours by an overexcited child that's exactly what's needed. The scene is now underway and we're not bogged down with irrelevancies. For once we don't get the FPODD effect because they'd already been established as staying at the Leaky Cauldron, so continuity dictates that they're still there. Insofar as continuity ever dictates anything in Hogwarts Exposed. It's still a long way from perfect, but it'll do.
Hermione reached out her arm, indicating for the girl to crawl into bed next to her.
Which might be an innocent gesture in any other fic, granted. Hogwarts Exposed, on the other hand, used up my goodwill somewhere around here.
“Admit it,” Hermione said, “you’re just a little excited about taking the train today.”
Emily looked into Hermione’s brown eyes and grinned.
Emily can look into Hermione's eyes and note their colour in the dark, apparently.
“It’s only four, Emily.
We know. There's no need to expospeak the time when it's already been revealed.
They both laid quietly
Laid what quietly? Are they chickens now?
for a few minutes until Emily asked, “Are you still awake?”
"Well, I wasn't..."
“I’m a little nervous, but I have you and my sisters. I’ll be fine. Hermione, can I tell you something?”
“Anytime, sweetheart. What’s on your mind?”
“It’s about my parents. I loved them an awful lot and really miss them.”
Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 20: Emily's parents get a bridge drink-driver dropped on them.
Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 21: Emily feels as you'd expect, or at least we're told she does.
Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 22: Emily is fine now, despite nothing seeming to have changed.
Hogwarts Exposed Chapters 23-24 and Too Exposed Chapters 1-3: No sign of her even having lost her parents. As we had free access to her POV, some indication that she was still hurting (which again we'd expect) would have made this scene look less like it's been pulled out of thin air. Especially as these chapters take place over a period of months.
“I know how you feel. It’s been seven years since I lost my parents, but it seems you never get over the loss and most certainly you never stop loving them.”
Speaking of dropped bridges. It's pretty hard for the Grangers to have had a decent send-off justifying the author's decision to kill them when all we're told about their deaths is "ded now lol". Do Psychic Serpent or Mists of Time (assuming the author's still following them) shed any light on this?
“No one could ever take their place, but…” Emily altered her position and in doing so wrapped her arms tightly around Hermione’s neck as she kissed her cheek. “I love you. And I love Harry. I’m so thankful that you gave Jamie and me a home.”
Tears came quickly to Hermione’s eyes. “I know I can never be your real mother and neither Harry or I
Neither Harry nor I. Key Stage 2 grammar, for heaven's sake. Again, this thing had four betas.
would ever want you to forget your parents, but nothing can stop me from loving you as a daughter.”
I'm getting deja vu here, because this is more or less the same exchange as Emily had with Harry and Hermione in Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 22.
After exchanging hugs and kisses, Emily nestled back against Hermione. It wasn’t long before they both drifted off into a contented sleep, a sleep that was too soon interrupted by the screaming of a very persistent alarm clock. “Seven o’clock. Time to get up. Come on, move it. You set me for this time, so get out of bed. Why did you set me for seven if…”
The talking alarm clock is actually in keeping with the Potterverse, which makes me wonder where he yoinked it from. That aside, this transition is very clumsily done. I'd put a paragraph break in there, like so:
They exchanged hugs and kisses and Emily nestled back against Hermione. It wasn’t long before they both drifted off into a contented sleep.
“Seven o’clock. Time to get up. Come on, move it. You set me for this time, so get out of bed. Why did you set me for seven if…”
... followed by a description of the reaction of whichever of them is supposed to be the POV character in this scene to the alarm. I rephrased the first sentence because as far as I'm concerned, "after this happened, that happened" is one step up from "this happened and then that happened". The fact that "that" is described as happening after "this" should be all that's needed to show the reader that it is in fact happening afterwards. The author seems to write things as they come into his head rather than in any kind of logical narrative structure, which is all very well but that's exactly the kind of thing editing is meant to fix.
After Hermione shut off the alarm, she glanced at Emily who gave her a big smile.
So this becomes:
Hermione shut off the alarm and glanced at Emily, who gave her a big smile.
I also added the missing comma.
“While you girls take a shower, I’ll lay out your clothes for you,” Hermione yelled, trying to be heard over the laughter coming for the bath.
After a few minutes the giggling and laughter subsided and only the sound of running water was heard. A short time later, three naked, wet-haired girls came snickering through the door.
Hermione simply looked at them and then shook her head with incomprehension. “You all squeezed into that shower at one time didn’t you?”
If she knows what's going on, where's the incomprehension? Having said that, I can understand incomprehension at this because what the fuck.
“It would have been more fun if someone hadn’t kept hitting me in the face with their breasts,” Emily complained.
How is this even possible? No, really? What exactly was she doing to be able to hit someone in the face with her breasts in the shower? Was she jumping up and down or something because this makes no sense. Also: take a shot for the breast reference.
“Yeah! I agree,” Jamie said. “You have to watch where you sling those things, Caitlin.”
h0 h0 h0!
“Ha! Ha! Very funny,” Caitlin said in a frustrated manner.
Caitlin says what we're all thinking.
“I’m just kidding Sis, besides even though they’re just sprouting, I bet Matt will notice the difference.”
“Do you really think so?” Caitlin asked hopefully.
Hermione made no comment, but rather headed to the bath to take her shower. As much as she liked Matt, it admittedly bothered her that Caitlin spent much of her time with him naked.
Caitlin hasn't been spending time naked with Matt, and there's no way of not making that sound dodgy. All that happened was that he noticed that her "private area [was] fully on display", a turn of phrase that comes so naturally to eleven-year-old boys, and she didn't care.
“Your clothes are lying on the bed,” she said as she closed the door behind her.
She must be closing the door very slowly. Or talking very quickly.
Emily was the first to walk over to the bed and just stood there staring before saying, “When did she buy these? Does she actually expect us to wear them?”
Really? Just, why?
Full stops aren't rationed, you know. How about:
Emily was the first to walk over to the bed. She just stood there staring.
"When did she buy these?" she said. "Does she actually expect us to wear them?"
We lose the "before" for the same reason we lost all the "after"s, well, before.
Lying with each girls clothing were matching bras and knickers.
Which, as far as the reader is concerned, she reacted to before she saw. I thought Jamie was supposed to be the psychic one.
Jamie looked at the garments disgustedly, “She has good taste, I’ll give her that,
Someone who's never worn a bra or knickers in her life is well placed to judge this? And I said she was psychic, didn't I: apparently she can say this by looking at them. On the very small upside, the author seems to have learned the difference between "disgustedly" and "disgustingly".
“The last knickers that touched my butt were disposables,” Emily said with a scowl. “Wearing skirts and blouses is bad enough. I love and respect Hermione, but my Mum didn’t make me wear those and she’s not about to.”
If she's talking to Jamie, then shouldn't that be "our Mum"?
Caitlin just held the attire in disbelief. “I don’t understand. When she adopted me last year, one of the first things I told her was that I didn’t wear knickers. I thought she had accepted it. Why now?”
Hermione opened the door and stuck her head in. Instead of starting her shower, she had waited to hear the girls’ reaction to the undergarments.
And was all poised to hijack the POV.
“I just thought that perhaps you might humor me and at the same time make yourselves less vulnerable to giving a show. After all, Jamie, you do wear extremely short skirts
No she doesn't. She wears robes, on account of being a Hogwarts student. We've just had a scene in Madam Malkin's shop, so there's really no excuse.
Jamie looked at Hermione as if extremely hurt. “I thought you understood…. Hermione, do you think I’m a tart because I don’t wear knickers.”
“No, of course not.
"That would be a source of conflict, so has no place in this story."
“I certainly hope people will take the time to get to know us and judge us on qualities that are quite a bit more important than whether or not we wear knickers,” Jamie responded angrily. “Hermione, I love you, but I’m of age and not wearing these.”
No, you're not. You're sixteen, as you keep reminding us. You're not of age until next year.
“I’m not of age, so I imagine that if you require it; I have no choice,” Emily said miserably.
Caitlin sat on the side of the bed looking more disheartened than Hermione had seen her since the day of the trail.
The what? This makes no sense at all.
“Oh! Give them here. All of you.” Hermione’s said in a loud frustrated voice. “I can’t stand looking at those wretched expressions on your faces. I only got them because I worry about you; what kind of mother lets her daughters run about without knickers?”
“One who loves them very much and understands that nudity isn’t dirty.” Jamie responded as she put her arm around Hermione.
Nudity isn't dirty, which is why we keep mentioning that it might be considered that way.
“Yeah, Mum,” Caitlin, added. “I’ll try to sit more lady like.”
I thought Caitlin was the ladylike one.
“And I promise not to do any hand stands in the common room,” Emily said laughingly.
"Laughingly" no longer looks like a real word. It's like "balance".
“Ahem,” Jamie cleared her throat.
How utterly redundant.
As Hermione was about to close the door to the bath, Jamie slipped in. “I have to ask you a question, sister to sister. Promise, you’ll tell the truth?”
“What is it?” Hermione asked.
“Since being at Cape d’Adge, do you still wear a bra and knickers? Tell the truth.”
Hermione blushed quite a deep red. “I gave them both up long before our vacation. But then I don’t wear micro-mini skirts that barely cover my butt.”
And neither does Jamie, unless you count the dress she wore in one solitary scene. We've had more description of what she wasn't wearing than what she was.
“How extreme do you want to go?”
Hermione blushed. “Make a baby extreme.”
“You’ve decided to get pregnant,” Jamie said excitedly.
It's actually planned this time, not happening randomly for the sake of a cheap angst bomb.
“I have just the dress. It’s a copy of a dress that Sandra Bullock, the movie star, once wore.
I can actually buy her having a favourite film star, because although she's a pure-blood witch she grew up in a Muggle house complete with television. On the other hand, if this is supposed to be a reference the readers get then it might help if we knew which film she wears it in. Not a shout-out so much as a whisper.
“I must say you have me intrigued,” Hermione said, a devilish grin on her face unlike any Jamie had ever seen before. “Now unless you’re going to take a shower with me, get out so I can get started,” Hermione said laughingly.
There never needs to be two dialogue tags for one line of dialogue, especially when we're *snarl* laughingly again. In fact, I'm going to start a count. There were three in Hogwarts Exposed, and felt like a lot more, and four so far in Too Exposed, so:
LAUGHINGLY COUNT: 7
“That muggle cab driver was extremely pleasant,” Emily commented sarcastically.
“He was nasty, wasn’t he?” Hermione agreed. “I even gave him what I thought was a generous tip.”
This actually is sarcastic, unlike far too many times the author describes something that's not the least bit sarcastic that way.
As they neared the dividing barrier between platforms nine and ten, Hermione commented on the fact that King’s Cross was not extremely busy.
At ten o'clock in the morning, even a weekday? Yes it was. Anyway, they go onto Platform 9¾, wittering on the whole time.
Suddenly Emily realized they were alone. “Where did Jamie and Caitlin disappear to?”
“They didn’t disappear. Caitlin’s over there next to that young couple that’s kissing so ardently,” Hermione said enviously, wishing that could be her and Harry. This trip was the first time they had been apart since her kidnapping and she missed him a great deal.
Which had apparently only just occurred to her, as this is his first mention since they arrived at Diagon Alley.
They were just about to head over to the others when the Hogwarts Express pulled into the station. Hermione stared as the train came to a stop; smoke from the scarlet steam engine drifting over their heads. ”Isn’t it beautiful,” she asked.
Emily gave Hermione a patronizing look. “I guess it’s pretty, for a train. You do realize that’s the same train we just rode two days ago, don’t you? ”
“I know, but it always looks so special when it’s the start of the school term.”
Especially because that's the only time it actually runs.
As Caitlin and Emily laughed, Jamie and Alex turned a deep red. Suddenly Amanda came hurrying toward them and threw her arms around Jamie. “I’ve missed you, girl.”
“Me, too,” Jamie said. “How is Tony?” Jamie asked as Amanda greeted and in turn was greeted by everyone else.
“Super,” Amanda answered excitedly. “I can’t wait to see him. Our owls must be exceedingly happy summer is over; we wrote to each other daily.”
It's so nice they can work past such a trifling matter as him indecently assaulting her. I hate this fic.
Amanda looked around the platform. “The crowd is starting to swell.
And the best way of conveying the crowd swelling wasn't to describe it, but to have a character tell us that it was. Obviously.
“You’re correct,” Jamie agreed.
"This sucks," szaleniec1000 complained. "It's horribly redundant," he elaborated. "Fuck!" he swore.
“They’d better join us,” Caitlin said threateningly. “Matt’s already in trouble for hardly writing to me at all.”
“At least he wrote to you,” Emily said quite disgusted. “Randy practically begged me to kiss him good-bye and then doesn’t so much as send one owl. I’ll guarantee you that he is not about to receive a hello hug.”
Go easy on them. There aren't many owls for them to use in the offstage waiting room.
As Jamie left the compartment, Caitlin said, “Jamie, tell Mum that Emily and I said good-bye and that we’ll see her tonight.”
“Yeah, tonight,” Emily said frustrated. “She Apparates and in the time it takes to snap your fingers, she’s back in Hogsmeade. Meanwhile we get to spend the whole day cooped up on a train to get to the same place. Isn’t tradition grand?”
So she can Apparate back, but they had to get the train down when it wasn't even supposed to be running. For some reason.
Jamie just shrugged her shoulders at Emily’s remark as she commented to Amanda and Alex. “There are times I find it hard to believe we are sisters.”
”I understand what you mean,” Amanda said with a smile. “At times you two can be so much alike and other times total opposites.”
“You and Caitlin seem more like sisters and you’re not even related,” Alex added.
This? Does not count as characterisation.
“I need to tell Hermione that Emily and Caitlin are staying on the train,” Jamie said, “but remind me later on to tell you about Caitlin this summer; she was amazing. Her Hyperempathic powers are becoming awesome.”
Please don't. It was annoying enough the first time. Anyway, they head off to say goodbye to Hermione, run into Tony on the way and get back on the train just as it's leaving.
They made quick headway through the train because the passageways were clear. That was until they reached the car just prior to theirs. When they entered, it sounded like a party was going on. The car was jammed with both boys and girls who were hooting and hollering.
“Looking good baby!”
“Cover yourself, you tart.”
“Hey guys, think we’d get in trouble if we touched her?”
Jamie wasted no time as she yelled loudly. “School prefects! Empty this passage way at once! Anyone not out of here in one minute will lose twenty points for their house.” Suddenly there was a mad rush to compartment doors and other cars of the train. In less then a minute the car was empty and Jamie had an unobstructed path as she ran toward the girl.
What girl? What in blazes is going on? DESCRIPTION, DAMMIT. Still, considering what little the author sees fit to show us, it's probably just as well.
“Who the hell would do something so perverted?!” Jamie yelled, bursting with anger.
In this fic? Anyone.
“I’ll give you one guess who the bastard was,” Amanda answered, “but I’m sure no one saw him; at least no one that will inform on the scum.”
Spoiler: it's Dick the dick. Who else? Of course, we're not actually shown what he's done, just everyone's reaction to it. I don't even know whose POV it's meant to be. All this said: yes, this is the infamous train scene, or at least the set-up for it, and we'll find out soon enough what it's all about.
At four in the morning, Emily, inquiring if it was time to get ready for the train, awakened Hermione.
This sentence isn't strictly wrong, but it's still a mess. A diagram might help us disentangle it:
The thrust of the sentence is the top line: the subject, verb and object. It flows a lot better if we move these to the front:
Emily awakened Hermione at four in the morning, inquiring if it was time to get ready for the train.
We've got a sense of immediacy here that was lacking before, and in a scene where someone's being woken in the small hours by an overexcited child that's exactly what's needed. The scene is now underway and we're not bogged down with irrelevancies. For once we don't get the FPODD effect because they'd already been established as staying at the Leaky Cauldron, so continuity dictates that they're still there. Insofar as continuity ever dictates anything in Hogwarts Exposed. It's still a long way from perfect, but it'll do.
Hermione reached out her arm, indicating for the girl to crawl into bed next to her.
Which might be an innocent gesture in any other fic, granted. Hogwarts Exposed, on the other hand, used up my goodwill somewhere around here.
“Admit it,” Hermione said, “you’re just a little excited about taking the train today.”
Emily looked into Hermione’s brown eyes and grinned.
Emily can look into Hermione's eyes and note their colour in the dark, apparently.
“It’s only four, Emily.
We know. There's no need to expospeak the time when it's already been revealed.
They both laid quietly
Laid what quietly? Are they chickens now?
for a few minutes until Emily asked, “Are you still awake?”
"Well, I wasn't..."
“I’m a little nervous, but I have you and my sisters. I’ll be fine. Hermione, can I tell you something?”
“Anytime, sweetheart. What’s on your mind?”
“It’s about my parents. I loved them an awful lot and really miss them.”
Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 20: Emily's parents get a bridge drink-driver dropped on them.
Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 21: Emily feels as you'd expect, or at least we're told she does.
Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 22: Emily is fine now, despite nothing seeming to have changed.
Hogwarts Exposed Chapters 23-24 and Too Exposed Chapters 1-3: No sign of her even having lost her parents. As we had free access to her POV, some indication that she was still hurting (which again we'd expect) would have made this scene look less like it's been pulled out of thin air. Especially as these chapters take place over a period of months.
“I know how you feel. It’s been seven years since I lost my parents, but it seems you never get over the loss and most certainly you never stop loving them.”
Speaking of dropped bridges. It's pretty hard for the Grangers to have had a decent send-off justifying the author's decision to kill them when all we're told about their deaths is "ded now lol". Do Psychic Serpent or Mists of Time (assuming the author's still following them) shed any light on this?
“No one could ever take their place, but…” Emily altered her position and in doing so wrapped her arms tightly around Hermione’s neck as she kissed her cheek. “I love you. And I love Harry. I’m so thankful that you gave Jamie and me a home.”
Tears came quickly to Hermione’s eyes. “I know I can never be your real mother and neither Harry or I
Neither Harry nor I. Key Stage 2 grammar, for heaven's sake. Again, this thing had four betas.
would ever want you to forget your parents, but nothing can stop me from loving you as a daughter.”
I'm getting deja vu here, because this is more or less the same exchange as Emily had with Harry and Hermione in Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 22.
After exchanging hugs and kisses, Emily nestled back against Hermione. It wasn’t long before they both drifted off into a contented sleep, a sleep that was too soon interrupted by the screaming of a very persistent alarm clock. “Seven o’clock. Time to get up. Come on, move it. You set me for this time, so get out of bed. Why did you set me for seven if…”
The talking alarm clock is actually in keeping with the Potterverse, which makes me wonder where he yoinked it from. That aside, this transition is very clumsily done. I'd put a paragraph break in there, like so:
They exchanged hugs and kisses and Emily nestled back against Hermione. It wasn’t long before they both drifted off into a contented sleep.
“Seven o’clock. Time to get up. Come on, move it. You set me for this time, so get out of bed. Why did you set me for seven if…”
... followed by a description of the reaction of whichever of them is supposed to be the POV character in this scene to the alarm. I rephrased the first sentence because as far as I'm concerned, "after this happened, that happened" is one step up from "this happened and then that happened". The fact that "that" is described as happening after "this" should be all that's needed to show the reader that it is in fact happening afterwards. The author seems to write things as they come into his head rather than in any kind of logical narrative structure, which is all very well but that's exactly the kind of thing editing is meant to fix.
After Hermione shut off the alarm, she glanced at Emily who gave her a big smile.
So this becomes:
Hermione shut off the alarm and glanced at Emily, who gave her a big smile.
I also added the missing comma.
“While you girls take a shower, I’ll lay out your clothes for you,” Hermione yelled, trying to be heard over the laughter coming for the bath.
After a few minutes the giggling and laughter subsided and only the sound of running water was heard. A short time later, three naked, wet-haired girls came snickering through the door.
Hermione simply looked at them and then shook her head with incomprehension. “You all squeezed into that shower at one time didn’t you?”
If she knows what's going on, where's the incomprehension? Having said that, I can understand incomprehension at this because what the fuck.
“It would have been more fun if someone hadn’t kept hitting me in the face with their breasts,” Emily complained.
How is this even possible? No, really? What exactly was she doing to be able to hit someone in the face with her breasts in the shower? Was she jumping up and down or something because this makes no sense. Also: take a shot for the breast reference.
“Yeah! I agree,” Jamie said. “You have to watch where you sling those things, Caitlin.”
h0 h0 h0!
“Ha! Ha! Very funny,” Caitlin said in a frustrated manner.
Caitlin says what we're all thinking.
“I’m just kidding Sis, besides even though they’re just sprouting, I bet Matt will notice the difference.”
“Do you really think so?” Caitlin asked hopefully.
Hermione made no comment, but rather headed to the bath to take her shower. As much as she liked Matt, it admittedly bothered her that Caitlin spent much of her time with him naked.
Caitlin hasn't been spending time naked with Matt, and there's no way of not making that sound dodgy. All that happened was that he noticed that her "private area [was] fully on display", a turn of phrase that comes so naturally to eleven-year-old boys, and she didn't care.
“Your clothes are lying on the bed,” she said as she closed the door behind her.
She must be closing the door very slowly. Or talking very quickly.
Emily was the first to walk over to the bed and just stood there staring before saying, “When did she buy these? Does she actually expect us to wear them?”
Really? Just, why?
Full stops aren't rationed, you know. How about:
Emily was the first to walk over to the bed. She just stood there staring.
"When did she buy these?" she said. "Does she actually expect us to wear them?"
We lose the "before" for the same reason we lost all the "after"s, well, before.
Lying with each girls clothing were matching bras and knickers.
Which, as far as the reader is concerned, she reacted to before she saw. I thought Jamie was supposed to be the psychic one.
Jamie looked at the garments disgustedly, “She has good taste, I’ll give her that,
Someone who's never worn a bra or knickers in her life is well placed to judge this? And I said she was psychic, didn't I: apparently she can say this by looking at them. On the very small upside, the author seems to have learned the difference between "disgustedly" and "disgustingly".
“The last knickers that touched my butt were disposables,” Emily said with a scowl. “Wearing skirts and blouses is bad enough. I love and respect Hermione, but my Mum didn’t make me wear those and she’s not about to.”
If she's talking to Jamie, then shouldn't that be "our Mum"?
Caitlin just held the attire in disbelief. “I don’t understand. When she adopted me last year, one of the first things I told her was that I didn’t wear knickers. I thought she had accepted it. Why now?”
Hermione opened the door and stuck her head in. Instead of starting her shower, she had waited to hear the girls’ reaction to the undergarments.
And was all poised to hijack the POV.
“I just thought that perhaps you might humor me and at the same time make yourselves less vulnerable to giving a show. After all, Jamie, you do wear extremely short skirts
No she doesn't. She wears robes, on account of being a Hogwarts student. We've just had a scene in Madam Malkin's shop, so there's really no excuse.
Jamie looked at Hermione as if extremely hurt. “I thought you understood…. Hermione, do you think I’m a tart because I don’t wear knickers.”
“No, of course not.
"That would be a source of conflict, so has no place in this story."
“I certainly hope people will take the time to get to know us and judge us on qualities that are quite a bit more important than whether or not we wear knickers,” Jamie responded angrily. “Hermione, I love you, but I’m of age and not wearing these.”
No, you're not. You're sixteen, as you keep reminding us. You're not of age until next year.
“I’m not of age, so I imagine that if you require it; I have no choice,” Emily said miserably.
Caitlin sat on the side of the bed looking more disheartened than Hermione had seen her since the day of the trail.
The what? This makes no sense at all.
“Oh! Give them here. All of you.” Hermione’s said in a loud frustrated voice. “I can’t stand looking at those wretched expressions on your faces. I only got them because I worry about you; what kind of mother lets her daughters run about without knickers?”
“One who loves them very much and understands that nudity isn’t dirty.” Jamie responded as she put her arm around Hermione.
Nudity isn't dirty, which is why we keep mentioning that it might be considered that way.
“Yeah, Mum,” Caitlin, added. “I’ll try to sit more lady like.”
I thought Caitlin was the ladylike one.
“And I promise not to do any hand stands in the common room,” Emily said laughingly.
"Laughingly" no longer looks like a real word. It's like "balance".
“Ahem,” Jamie cleared her throat.
How utterly redundant.
As Hermione was about to close the door to the bath, Jamie slipped in. “I have to ask you a question, sister to sister. Promise, you’ll tell the truth?”
“What is it?” Hermione asked.
“Since being at Cape d’Adge, do you still wear a bra and knickers? Tell the truth.”
Hermione blushed quite a deep red. “I gave them both up long before our vacation. But then I don’t wear micro-mini skirts that barely cover my butt.”
And neither does Jamie, unless you count the dress she wore in one solitary scene. We've had more description of what she wasn't wearing than what she was.
“How extreme do you want to go?”
Hermione blushed. “Make a baby extreme.”
“You’ve decided to get pregnant,” Jamie said excitedly.
It's actually planned this time, not happening randomly for the sake of a cheap angst bomb.
“I have just the dress. It’s a copy of a dress that Sandra Bullock, the movie star, once wore.
I can actually buy her having a favourite film star, because although she's a pure-blood witch she grew up in a Muggle house complete with television. On the other hand, if this is supposed to be a reference the readers get then it might help if we knew which film she wears it in. Not a shout-out so much as a whisper.
“I must say you have me intrigued,” Hermione said, a devilish grin on her face unlike any Jamie had ever seen before. “Now unless you’re going to take a shower with me, get out so I can get started,” Hermione said laughingly.
There never needs to be two dialogue tags for one line of dialogue, especially when we're *snarl* laughingly again. In fact, I'm going to start a count. There were three in Hogwarts Exposed, and felt like a lot more, and four so far in Too Exposed, so:
LAUGHINGLY COUNT: 7
“That muggle cab driver was extremely pleasant,” Emily commented sarcastically.
“He was nasty, wasn’t he?” Hermione agreed. “I even gave him what I thought was a generous tip.”
This actually is sarcastic, unlike far too many times the author describes something that's not the least bit sarcastic that way.
As they neared the dividing barrier between platforms nine and ten, Hermione commented on the fact that King’s Cross was not extremely busy.
At ten o'clock in the morning, even a weekday? Yes it was. Anyway, they go onto Platform 9¾, wittering on the whole time.
Suddenly Emily realized they were alone. “Where did Jamie and Caitlin disappear to?”
“They didn’t disappear. Caitlin’s over there next to that young couple that’s kissing so ardently,” Hermione said enviously, wishing that could be her and Harry. This trip was the first time they had been apart since her kidnapping and she missed him a great deal.
Which had apparently only just occurred to her, as this is his first mention since they arrived at Diagon Alley.
They were just about to head over to the others when the Hogwarts Express pulled into the station. Hermione stared as the train came to a stop; smoke from the scarlet steam engine drifting over their heads. ”Isn’t it beautiful,” she asked.
Emily gave Hermione a patronizing look. “I guess it’s pretty, for a train. You do realize that’s the same train we just rode two days ago, don’t you? ”
“I know, but it always looks so special when it’s the start of the school term.”
Especially because that's the only time it actually runs.
As Caitlin and Emily laughed, Jamie and Alex turned a deep red. Suddenly Amanda came hurrying toward them and threw her arms around Jamie. “I’ve missed you, girl.”
“Me, too,” Jamie said. “How is Tony?” Jamie asked as Amanda greeted and in turn was greeted by everyone else.
“Super,” Amanda answered excitedly. “I can’t wait to see him. Our owls must be exceedingly happy summer is over; we wrote to each other daily.”
It's so nice they can work past such a trifling matter as him indecently assaulting her. I hate this fic.
Amanda looked around the platform. “The crowd is starting to swell.
And the best way of conveying the crowd swelling wasn't to describe it, but to have a character tell us that it was. Obviously.
“You’re correct,” Jamie agreed.
"This sucks," szaleniec1000 complained. "It's horribly redundant," he elaborated. "Fuck!" he swore.
“They’d better join us,” Caitlin said threateningly. “Matt’s already in trouble for hardly writing to me at all.”
“At least he wrote to you,” Emily said quite disgusted. “Randy practically begged me to kiss him good-bye and then doesn’t so much as send one owl. I’ll guarantee you that he is not about to receive a hello hug.”
Go easy on them. There aren't many owls for them to use in the offstage waiting room.
As Jamie left the compartment, Caitlin said, “Jamie, tell Mum that Emily and I said good-bye and that we’ll see her tonight.”
“Yeah, tonight,” Emily said frustrated. “She Apparates and in the time it takes to snap your fingers, she’s back in Hogsmeade. Meanwhile we get to spend the whole day cooped up on a train to get to the same place. Isn’t tradition grand?”
So she can Apparate back, but they had to get the train down when it wasn't even supposed to be running. For some reason.
Jamie just shrugged her shoulders at Emily’s remark as she commented to Amanda and Alex. “There are times I find it hard to believe we are sisters.”
”I understand what you mean,” Amanda said with a smile. “At times you two can be so much alike and other times total opposites.”
“You and Caitlin seem more like sisters and you’re not even related,” Alex added.
This? Does not count as characterisation.
“I need to tell Hermione that Emily and Caitlin are staying on the train,” Jamie said, “but remind me later on to tell you about Caitlin this summer; she was amazing. Her Hyperempathic powers are becoming awesome.”
Please don't. It was annoying enough the first time. Anyway, they head off to say goodbye to Hermione, run into Tony on the way and get back on the train just as it's leaving.
They made quick headway through the train because the passageways were clear. That was until they reached the car just prior to theirs. When they entered, it sounded like a party was going on. The car was jammed with both boys and girls who were hooting and hollering.
“Looking good baby!”
“Cover yourself, you tart.”
“Hey guys, think we’d get in trouble if we touched her?”
Jamie wasted no time as she yelled loudly. “School prefects! Empty this passage way at once! Anyone not out of here in one minute will lose twenty points for their house.” Suddenly there was a mad rush to compartment doors and other cars of the train. In less then a minute the car was empty and Jamie had an unobstructed path as she ran toward the girl.
What girl? What in blazes is going on? DESCRIPTION, DAMMIT. Still, considering what little the author sees fit to show us, it's probably just as well.
“Who the hell would do something so perverted?!” Jamie yelled, bursting with anger.
In this fic? Anyone.
“I’ll give you one guess who the bastard was,” Amanda answered, “but I’m sure no one saw him; at least no one that will inform on the scum.”
Spoiler: it's Dick the dick. Who else? Of course, we're not actually shown what he's done, just everyone's reaction to it. I don't even know whose POV it's meant to be. All this said: yes, this is the infamous train scene, or at least the set-up for it, and we'll find out soon enough what it's all about.