Hogwarts Too Exposed Chapter 4 part 4
Happy birthday, fly_buggy_fly!
Before we get started, let's have a look at some Yahoo comments.
Again, great environment and character descriptions. It is easy to form a mental picture of the story.
Where, pray tell, are those descriptions in this chapter? IT'S NINETY-FUCKING-FIVE PERCENT DIALOGUE! The remaining five, the "not quite as bad" bit from the last update, is clearly using the Diagon Alley scenes in Philosopher's Stone as a cribsheet. It's like this person has some idea of positive things that book reviewers say but no idea of why they say them, like some kind of literary cargo cult. Or else the four betas are utterly amazing and I've somehow got my hands on the unedited version. At least the fact that I might as well be reading a scriptfic gets rid of one of my other perennial headaches, the head-hopping, on which Neil himself sheds some light:
After having reading the series multiple times, I'm still not sure when Ginny started seeing Harry as a real person and not a rock star. If you recall in Chamber of Secrets, she talked about him all summer and she hadn't even met him yet. Every other girl that just wanted to be with Harry because he was the boy who lived was made out to be an awful person. What made Ginny any different? Part of the problem is that the story is written from Harry's point of view. We can't get inside Ginny, Ron or Hermione's head to hear what they are thinking.
This explains a lot. Let's see the reply:
As for your assertion that JKR "sucks at selling coupling" because it was told only from Harry's PoV, Neil, is rather outrageous. Its very difficult for any writer to successfully tell a tale from several different points of view, without the characters who tell the story being in very different locations. Having the same seen told from Harry and Ginny's individual points of view would have made for repetitive and awkward meaning.
And Hogwarts Exposed itself is Exhibit A, although how this person didn't make the connection I'll never know. There was one early review by someone who went on to be a beta (which explains a lot) praising the use of the third-person omniscient. This is all very well, but Hogwarts Exposed doesn't read to me like an omniscient narrative but like a multiple limited narrative with no self-control. It doesn't have an author's voice, except insofar as all the characters have the same voice anyway. The most I can say is that it might be what omniscient narration looks like to someone who's never read any good omniscient narration.
Anyway, on with the chapter. The author's plagiarism of canon becomes even more obvious with the scene in Madam Malkin's shop, as we see here:
“Wendy is almost done with the other girls.” She gave Emily a friendly glance. “As soon as they are finished we’ll get you pinned up. It goes quite quickly.” “Please excuse me for a moment,” she said as a woman entered the shop accompanied by a young girl who appeared extremely timid, actually frightened.
“Hogwarts, dear?” Madam Malkin inquired.
There's a line between allusion and plagiarism, and this is definitely on the wrong side.
“Yes!” The woman responded as if startled. “She’s a witch! Would you believe it? My daughter is an actual witch.”
Though, to be more fair than this fic ever deserves, this isn't too bad as a reaction of a Muggle parent to learning of her daughter being a witch. It does make me want to see the "Hermione's first visit to Diagon Alley" flashback I mentioned in the last update, preferably by a competent writer.
As soon as they were completed, Jamie and Caitlin ran to check out the formal robes. Meanwhile Wendy led Emily to the rear of the store where she had her slip a long robe over her head, and began to pin it to the right length. Madam Malkin led the young girl to the stool next to Emily.
“Hello,” said Emily, “Hogwarts, too?”
This scene was better when Emily was called Draco Malfoy.
The girl didn’t answer, but smiled meekly and nodded her head uneasily.
“My sister is in her sixth year,” Emily added. “She’s a prefect and seeker on her house Quidditch team.”
I'd say this reminder was redundant, but Jamie only played the one game of Quidditch and ended up winning by pure luck, and was barely seen prefecting at all.
The girl hesitated and then shyly said, “I’m the first. I thought witches and wizards were make believe until she came to my house.” She indicated Hermione who was now engrossed in conversation with the girl’s mother.
We don't actually see anything of this conversation or why (or indeed whether) it's actually significant.
“Professor Granger visited your home?” Emily questioned with surprise. “I didn’t realize professors ever visited the homes of first years.”
Yay expospeak!
“I don’t believe they do, if your parents have knowledge of the magical world. My parents had the notion that my letter was someone’s idea of a joke. They kept discarding it and I kept getting a new one. Finally a few weeks ago Professor Granger knocked on our door. At first my Dad wouldn’t let her in, but finally he relented.”
Like every eleven-year-old in Hogwarts Exposed, this new girl talks like she's swallowed a dictionary.
The girl looked toward her Mum. “My Mum’s really excited about me being a witch. Dad’s not so enthusiastic.”
“How do you feel about it?” Emily asked empathetically.
Is there any other way of expressing concern for someone else's feelings?
“Thanks,” Emily said. “Maybe we’ll end up in the same house. Then at least you’ll know someone. By the way, I’m Emily, Emily Zacherley.”
The girl’s face glowed as she looked at Emily. “That would be wonderful. I’d feel so much more secure if I knew someone in my house. My names Kim, Kim Thatcher.”
And, like every halfway likeable character in Hogwarts Exposed (see also: Ron) she exists for the sole purpose of being shat on from a great height. I already knew this thanks to TVTropes and some of the comments on here, but I'd have been able to work it out anyway.
“Okay ladies. You’re both finished,” Wendy said. “Tell your Mums they can pick the robes up any time today after three.”
Emily was about to tell Wendy that Hermione wasn’t her mother, but decided it wasn’t important enough to bother.
Because setting up a dramatic conflict with Emily still uncertain as to how or if Hermione can take her mother's place is too much like hard work.
As Kim and her mum left the shop, Kim stopped and turned back to Emily. “Maybe I’ll see you on the train?”
“Maybe,” Emily answered genuinely. “I’ll look for you.”
Because we needed to be told rather than shown that her concern for her new friend was genuine. Actually, enjoy it whilst it lasts.
They visited Flourish and Blotts next and bought textbooks for the coming year. Jamie needed several new books since she would be beginning to study for her NEWTS. Some of Caitlin’s books were still used in second year, such as A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot, but she did need the Grade 2 level of The Standard Book of Spells. The clerk seemed genuinely impressed when Caitlin purchased The Hyperempath in Me and How to Get it Out.
Either Caitlin's hyperempathy is awesome enough for random strangers to be fawning over her for it, or it's commonplace enough for how-to guides to be sold at the wizarding equivalent of Waterstone's. You can't have it both ways.
Rather than persist shopping with their arms overflowing, they decided to return to the Leaky Cauldron with their purchases and then finish shopping after lunch. They had a leisurely lunch with Hermione doing most of the talking as she reminisced about her first trip to Diagon Alley.
“Professor McGonagall visited my parents on a Thursday explaining about Hogwarts and how I was a witch,” Hermione said and then blushed.
Because Hermione is so easily embarrassed.
“I must have been spoiled because I spent all day Friday begging and pleading with my parents to bring me here that Saturday. They wanted to do the same as us and shop the day before taking the train, but I insisted that I had to have my books as soon as possible.”
Jamie gave Hermione a knowing glance. “Did you sleep at all after you had your books and wand?”
“Very little,” Hermione answered with a laugh. “I simply couldn’t put the books down, plus I wanted to be as well prepared as possible.
This, on the other hand, is Hermione actually being somewhat in character. It stands out because this hardly ever happens in Hogwarts Exposed.
Minerva, rather Professor McGonagall, had told us that most of the students would be coming from families with at least one magical parent.
Firstly, had it been Hermione's first instinct to refer to Professor McGonagall as Minerva then she would have done it the first time she was mentioned. Secondly, not in a million years would it have been Hermione's first instinct to refer to Professor McGonagall as Minerva.
I wanted to do as much as possible to overcome what I expected to be a enormous disadvantage.”
“I guess you managed to overcome it, didn’t you Mum?” Caitlin asked. “Highest number of O.W.L.s in the History of Hogwarts
Is it number of O.W.L.s, or is it O.W.L. points total? Make your mind up!
and the most powerful witch in a century.”
Who let herself get kidnapped by a total schmuck.
“Don’t forget about her being the most sought after witch in the history of Playwizard magazine,” Emily added, a devilish grin on her face.
Emily, if what happens later in this very story is anything to go by, doesn't read Playwizard for the articles.
Hermione just shook her head. “Don’t tell me you read Harry Potter, A History, also?”
Emily gave Hermione a sheepish glance. “It was Jamie’s suggestion. She said I should know everything possible about my guardians.”
It was Jamie’s turn to blush as she asked, “Did they in actual fact offer to pay you the equivalent of ten years salary?”
I have to wonder at what point a biography of Harry Potter, the defeater of Voldemort and hero of the wizarding world, decides it's worthwhile to talk about how much money his friend was offered to appear in the local Playboy expy. I like how this sum is never actually set, perhaps because the author couldn't be bothered to figure out an appropriate sum of Galleons, and is unclear as to whether it means her salary now or at the time the offer was made. Logically if it was mentioned in the biography it'll be at the time the offer was made, but then her current salary is presumably more.
“I can’t believe you refused them, “ Emily said shaking her head. “I would have dropped my pants on the spot.”
“Emily, if you had your way, you’d never be wearing any clothes to drop!” Jamie said sarcastically.
She's making a direct statement of established fact. How the hell is this in any way sarcastic? A sarcastic remark would be more on the lines of "You always wear pants, don't you, Emily?" or "Hogwarts Exposed is the finest work ever written in the history of English literature." or "This author knows what sarcasm is."
“Now that my name is no longer in the Daily Prophet everyday, I doubt that there would be much interest in pictures of me, but no. I definitely wouldn’t.”
“That’s crazy,” Emily responded in disbelief.
As opposed to responding with "that's crazy" in total agreement?
“We just came from a nudist resort where people saw the real flesh and blood you, up close and naked. Yet you would turn down a fortune to pose for pictures showing no more than you just showed for free.”
“I wouldn’t do it either,” Jamie interjected. “That’s one of the reasons I hate talking part in those pageants. I don’t like the fact that they take pictures and movies; some of which are sold.”
On reflection, I'd rather not know how the author seems so certain about this kind of thing going on.
“I can’t speak for Hermione because being new to naturism, her reasons surely are different than mine,” Jamie answered. “I’m more comfortable without clothes and as you all know I don’t care who sees me that way. I wouldn’t even cover myself if Dick Bancroft came into the room.
So what, then, was all that fuss in Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 23 about her not wanting Dick the dick to see her naked? The entire plot of that chapter is dismissed completely? CONTINUITY. YOU FAIL IT. FOREVER.
“It’s just that most people don’t consider nudity innocent like you girls do,” Hermione piped in.
Because this fic has done a really good job of presenting how innocently they see nudity, with the constant references to sex in connection with nudity.
“I’ve strived my entire life to achieve what I have. I want to be remembered for my achievements and contributions to the magical world. Not for the size of my boobs or what’s between my legs.”
Then you've picked the wrong author to be in a fanfic by.
Before we get started, let's have a look at some Yahoo comments.
Again, great environment and character descriptions. It is easy to form a mental picture of the story.
Where, pray tell, are those descriptions in this chapter? IT'S NINETY-FUCKING-FIVE PERCENT DIALOGUE! The remaining five, the "not quite as bad" bit from the last update, is clearly using the Diagon Alley scenes in Philosopher's Stone as a cribsheet. It's like this person has some idea of positive things that book reviewers say but no idea of why they say them, like some kind of literary cargo cult. Or else the four betas are utterly amazing and I've somehow got my hands on the unedited version. At least the fact that I might as well be reading a scriptfic gets rid of one of my other perennial headaches, the head-hopping, on which Neil himself sheds some light:
After having reading the series multiple times, I'm still not sure when Ginny started seeing Harry as a real person and not a rock star. If you recall in Chamber of Secrets, she talked about him all summer and she hadn't even met him yet. Every other girl that just wanted to be with Harry because he was the boy who lived was made out to be an awful person. What made Ginny any different? Part of the problem is that the story is written from Harry's point of view. We can't get inside Ginny, Ron or Hermione's head to hear what they are thinking.
This explains a lot. Let's see the reply:
As for your assertion that JKR "sucks at selling coupling" because it was told only from Harry's PoV, Neil, is rather outrageous. Its very difficult for any writer to successfully tell a tale from several different points of view, without the characters who tell the story being in very different locations. Having the same seen told from Harry and Ginny's individual points of view would have made for repetitive and awkward meaning.
And Hogwarts Exposed itself is Exhibit A, although how this person didn't make the connection I'll never know. There was one early review by someone who went on to be a beta (which explains a lot) praising the use of the third-person omniscient. This is all very well, but Hogwarts Exposed doesn't read to me like an omniscient narrative but like a multiple limited narrative with no self-control. It doesn't have an author's voice, except insofar as all the characters have the same voice anyway. The most I can say is that it might be what omniscient narration looks like to someone who's never read any good omniscient narration.
Anyway, on with the chapter. The author's plagiarism of canon becomes even more obvious with the scene in Madam Malkin's shop, as we see here:
“Wendy is almost done with the other girls.” She gave Emily a friendly glance. “As soon as they are finished we’ll get you pinned up. It goes quite quickly.” “Please excuse me for a moment,” she said as a woman entered the shop accompanied by a young girl who appeared extremely timid, actually frightened.
“Hogwarts, dear?” Madam Malkin inquired.
There's a line between allusion and plagiarism, and this is definitely on the wrong side.
“Yes!” The woman responded as if startled. “She’s a witch! Would you believe it? My daughter is an actual witch.”
Though, to be more fair than this fic ever deserves, this isn't too bad as a reaction of a Muggle parent to learning of her daughter being a witch. It does make me want to see the "Hermione's first visit to Diagon Alley" flashback I mentioned in the last update, preferably by a competent writer.
As soon as they were completed, Jamie and Caitlin ran to check out the formal robes. Meanwhile Wendy led Emily to the rear of the store where she had her slip a long robe over her head, and began to pin it to the right length. Madam Malkin led the young girl to the stool next to Emily.
“Hello,” said Emily, “Hogwarts, too?”
This scene was better when Emily was called Draco Malfoy.
The girl didn’t answer, but smiled meekly and nodded her head uneasily.
“My sister is in her sixth year,” Emily added. “She’s a prefect and seeker on her house Quidditch team.”
I'd say this reminder was redundant, but Jamie only played the one game of Quidditch and ended up winning by pure luck, and was barely seen prefecting at all.
The girl hesitated and then shyly said, “I’m the first. I thought witches and wizards were make believe until she came to my house.” She indicated Hermione who was now engrossed in conversation with the girl’s mother.
We don't actually see anything of this conversation or why (or indeed whether) it's actually significant.
“Professor Granger visited your home?” Emily questioned with surprise. “I didn’t realize professors ever visited the homes of first years.”
Yay expospeak!
“I don’t believe they do, if your parents have knowledge of the magical world. My parents had the notion that my letter was someone’s idea of a joke. They kept discarding it and I kept getting a new one. Finally a few weeks ago Professor Granger knocked on our door. At first my Dad wouldn’t let her in, but finally he relented.”
Like every eleven-year-old in Hogwarts Exposed, this new girl talks like she's swallowed a dictionary.
The girl looked toward her Mum. “My Mum’s really excited about me being a witch. Dad’s not so enthusiastic.”
“How do you feel about it?” Emily asked empathetically.
Is there any other way of expressing concern for someone else's feelings?
“Thanks,” Emily said. “Maybe we’ll end up in the same house. Then at least you’ll know someone. By the way, I’m Emily, Emily Zacherley.”
The girl’s face glowed as she looked at Emily. “That would be wonderful. I’d feel so much more secure if I knew someone in my house. My names Kim, Kim Thatcher.”
And, like every halfway likeable character in Hogwarts Exposed (see also: Ron) she exists for the sole purpose of being shat on from a great height. I already knew this thanks to TVTropes and some of the comments on here, but I'd have been able to work it out anyway.
“Okay ladies. You’re both finished,” Wendy said. “Tell your Mums they can pick the robes up any time today after three.”
Emily was about to tell Wendy that Hermione wasn’t her mother, but decided it wasn’t important enough to bother.
Because setting up a dramatic conflict with Emily still uncertain as to how or if Hermione can take her mother's place is too much like hard work.
As Kim and her mum left the shop, Kim stopped and turned back to Emily. “Maybe I’ll see you on the train?”
“Maybe,” Emily answered genuinely. “I’ll look for you.”
Because we needed to be told rather than shown that her concern for her new friend was genuine. Actually, enjoy it whilst it lasts.
They visited Flourish and Blotts next and bought textbooks for the coming year. Jamie needed several new books since she would be beginning to study for her NEWTS. Some of Caitlin’s books were still used in second year, such as A History of Magic by Bathilda Bagshot, but she did need the Grade 2 level of The Standard Book of Spells. The clerk seemed genuinely impressed when Caitlin purchased The Hyperempath in Me and How to Get it Out.
Either Caitlin's hyperempathy is awesome enough for random strangers to be fawning over her for it, or it's commonplace enough for how-to guides to be sold at the wizarding equivalent of Waterstone's. You can't have it both ways.
Rather than persist shopping with their arms overflowing, they decided to return to the Leaky Cauldron with their purchases and then finish shopping after lunch. They had a leisurely lunch with Hermione doing most of the talking as she reminisced about her first trip to Diagon Alley.
“Professor McGonagall visited my parents on a Thursday explaining about Hogwarts and how I was a witch,” Hermione said and then blushed.
Because Hermione is so easily embarrassed.
“I must have been spoiled because I spent all day Friday begging and pleading with my parents to bring me here that Saturday. They wanted to do the same as us and shop the day before taking the train, but I insisted that I had to have my books as soon as possible.”
Jamie gave Hermione a knowing glance. “Did you sleep at all after you had your books and wand?”
“Very little,” Hermione answered with a laugh. “I simply couldn’t put the books down, plus I wanted to be as well prepared as possible.
This, on the other hand, is Hermione actually being somewhat in character. It stands out because this hardly ever happens in Hogwarts Exposed.
Minerva, rather Professor McGonagall, had told us that most of the students would be coming from families with at least one magical parent.
Firstly, had it been Hermione's first instinct to refer to Professor McGonagall as Minerva then she would have done it the first time she was mentioned. Secondly, not in a million years would it have been Hermione's first instinct to refer to Professor McGonagall as Minerva.
I wanted to do as much as possible to overcome what I expected to be a enormous disadvantage.”
“I guess you managed to overcome it, didn’t you Mum?” Caitlin asked. “Highest number of O.W.L.s in the History of Hogwarts
Is it number of O.W.L.s, or is it O.W.L. points total? Make your mind up!
and the most powerful witch in a century.”
Who let herself get kidnapped by a total schmuck.
“Don’t forget about her being the most sought after witch in the history of Playwizard magazine,” Emily added, a devilish grin on her face.
Emily, if what happens later in this very story is anything to go by, doesn't read Playwizard for the articles.
Hermione just shook her head. “Don’t tell me you read Harry Potter, A History, also?”
Emily gave Hermione a sheepish glance. “It was Jamie’s suggestion. She said I should know everything possible about my guardians.”
It was Jamie’s turn to blush as she asked, “Did they in actual fact offer to pay you the equivalent of ten years salary?”
I have to wonder at what point a biography of Harry Potter, the defeater of Voldemort and hero of the wizarding world, decides it's worthwhile to talk about how much money his friend was offered to appear in the local Playboy expy. I like how this sum is never actually set, perhaps because the author couldn't be bothered to figure out an appropriate sum of Galleons, and is unclear as to whether it means her salary now or at the time the offer was made. Logically if it was mentioned in the biography it'll be at the time the offer was made, but then her current salary is presumably more.
“I can’t believe you refused them, “ Emily said shaking her head. “I would have dropped my pants on the spot.”
“Emily, if you had your way, you’d never be wearing any clothes to drop!” Jamie said sarcastically.
She's making a direct statement of established fact. How the hell is this in any way sarcastic? A sarcastic remark would be more on the lines of "You always wear pants, don't you, Emily?" or "Hogwarts Exposed is the finest work ever written in the history of English literature." or "This author knows what sarcasm is."
“Now that my name is no longer in the Daily Prophet everyday, I doubt that there would be much interest in pictures of me, but no. I definitely wouldn’t.”
“That’s crazy,” Emily responded in disbelief.
As opposed to responding with "that's crazy" in total agreement?
“We just came from a nudist resort where people saw the real flesh and blood you, up close and naked. Yet you would turn down a fortune to pose for pictures showing no more than you just showed for free.”
“I wouldn’t do it either,” Jamie interjected. “That’s one of the reasons I hate talking part in those pageants. I don’t like the fact that they take pictures and movies; some of which are sold.”
On reflection, I'd rather not know how the author seems so certain about this kind of thing going on.
“I can’t speak for Hermione because being new to naturism, her reasons surely are different than mine,” Jamie answered. “I’m more comfortable without clothes and as you all know I don’t care who sees me that way. I wouldn’t even cover myself if Dick Bancroft came into the room.
So what, then, was all that fuss in Hogwarts Exposed Chapter 23 about her not wanting Dick the dick to see her naked? The entire plot of that chapter is dismissed completely? CONTINUITY. YOU FAIL IT. FOREVER.
“It’s just that most people don’t consider nudity innocent like you girls do,” Hermione piped in.
Because this fic has done a really good job of presenting how innocently they see nudity, with the constant references to sex in connection with nudity.
“I’ve strived my entire life to achieve what I have. I want to be remembered for my achievements and contributions to the magical world. Not for the size of my boobs or what’s between my legs.”
Then you've picked the wrong author to be in a fanfic by.