Deserving Chapter 22
Deserving is like My Immortal with better spelling. You'd think it'd be impossible for it to get any lulzier after the line that inspired this icon, but somehow it manages it. Remember we're less than halfway through the story so far, and it's still got plenty to throw at us.
The following day when Harry came home from work, Severus and Millicent were waiting for him with Richard and Baby in arms. Harry knew there was something different about Millicent. She smiled as a wife would do when she got a new… haircut! The strands were gone and… were those earrings she was wearing?
For best results, imagine this passage set to O Fortuna, like I did with the opening of The Last War here. I'm all for quiet interstitial domestic scenes because the heroes can't be kicking ass 24/7 and sometimes they (and the reader) need to cool down, but when you try to make them as epic as the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny it just ends up looking silly and defeats the purpose.
“Can you give Dada a kiss too,” and again Richard smacked his lips in mid air not really kissing anyone. Harry put his finger on his cheek and placed his cheek in front of Richard’s face.
“Kiss for Dada,” he prompted but Richard was not complying.
“Give Dada a kiss like this,” said Snape kissing his son’s cheek.
Richard laughed and looked at Harry and said: “Kissssssssssssssss” and clapped happily adding a new word to his growing vocabulary.
This kid is now officially creepy.
“Snape, I need a shower before dinner,” he announced.
All together now: O Fortuna! Velut Luna! Statu variabilis...!
“Did Poppy come?”
AUGH NO IMAGES
“Yes, she did,” answered Severus, still not turning.
“Damn it, Snape, turn and face me when I am talking to you,” commanded the Guide.
We really needed it spelled out that this was a command?
“Sir, if you will allow me to explain. Millicent was able to tell Poppy, in a non-threatening environment, of the care or shall I say the non-care given to Baby in her Guide’s household. It seems that Baby was kept in a plastic dog kennel so Millicent could do her chores. The door would magically open three times a day so she could feed him. Millicent was not even allowed to keep him by her side at night. Baby has been deprived of human contact.”
The author's quest to one-up the Dursleys begins. (Yes, the "dear specific Harry Potter writer" was to this one.)
Do wizards even use plastics, anyway?
“So we don’t put him down for a second. We will each take turns carrying him, and playing with him, and talking to him…”
“Reading to him,” added Severus.
Harry closed his eyes and dropped his head then taking a deep breath said: “Yes, Snape, and reading to him.”
Why is Harry reacting as though reading to him were some kind of dreadful hardship? I know he's no great book-lover, but even so.
Harry accioed his knitting and placed it on Severus’ lap.
“Do you knit Professor?” asked a shocked Millicent.
"Not just the one. I knit lots of professors. Want to see my Dumbledore?"
After about half and hour and just before Severus was about to try to retire for the evening again, Millicent got up from the sofa and knelt before Harry. Severus’ eyes went wide and Harry preserved more than saw that something was going on. He put down his magazine and found Milly before him.
“Milly! What are you doing? Why are you doing this?” asked a stunned Harry.
Millicent looked up at him then vowed her head again.
“You have been so kind to my baby, and I and now you are my new master, so I am offering myself to you,” said the girl without raising her eyes.
Wait, no. She can't mean...
Harry looked shocked with horror and turned to Snape with a plea in his face, a plea that Severus didn’t know how to respond to. Did Harry want him to leave so he could be alone with Millicent? She was after all a woman and Harry craved the company of a female.
... she does.
“If you use me then you will not bother the professor and he won’t have to… you know… be used,” she explained, her cheeks flaming as she managed to stutter out the last of the sentence.
I'd say how many levels this is wrong on, but I lost count.
Harry didn’t know where to look. Did Snape put her up to this?
Severus, knowing of Harry’s insecurity, took a good guess at what Harry was thinking.
We didn't need the POV shift here. Sometimes a story benefits from being told from more than one perspective, though not the way this author does it because switching in the middle of a scene just disorients the reader. Here, though, we're quite literally getting the same piece of narration twice.
“I don’t mind sleeping on the floor but do you really have to wear that dreadful nightgown? I did get you new pajamas; did I not?”
Severus clutched the lacey collar in his fist as if that could prevent Harry from using his wand to vanish the apparel.
Well, he needs to "vanish the apparel" in order to "use his wand", if you know what I mean.
“She will not bother you again. You can go back to your room in confidence,” he whispered staring at the fire.
“I know that,” was Harry’s to-the-point answer.
Yes, that was indeed a to-the-point answer. You know how I knew that? Because it's to the point. You don't have to tell us that it is when you've already shown us!
After another half hour of thick tension,
... and mixed metaphors.
it was Harry’s turn to break the silence.
“Can I ask you a question?”
"I believe you already have." /Dumbledore
Harry guided Severus’ face towards him.
“Come on Snape, you know me. Do you really think a girl could put up with me? You know how difficult I can get. You are cold, heartless and strong and YOU can barely handle me.”
Yay sexism!
Two weeks later, Severus was awakened by a loud scream coming from the nursery. Harry woke right after him and followed him to the children’s room. Milly was crying and screaming but as soon as Harry spelled the light on they both realized that she was having a nightmare. Severus sat on the daybed and cradled her in his arms.
“Shhh child, it is alright. You are safe.”
Milly opened her eyes and took stock of her surroundings. Then she stated her frantic rant.
There's a difference between a statement and a rant. "I don't like this fic" is a statement. "FUCK THIS FUCKING FIC!" is a rant. ETA: It does occur on a reread that this might have been a typo for "she started her frantic rant".
“Professor, they were coming for me. There were two of them and they fell from the sky. They came to take me back but instead they chained you to the floor. Harry was frantic but for some reason he did not want to call Kreacher…”
There's a fine line between foreshadowing and pre-empting, and this author has fallen off it. Just guess what happens later in the chapter. Actually, you don't have to.
“Professor you must believe me. I have had dreams before and they always come true. You are in danger. Make no mistake: the men are on their way,” she pleaded.
The only reason Harry had Meaningful Dreams™ is that he was carrying a fragment of Voldemort's soul, so I'm interested in what this implies about Millicent. Apart from the fact that she's a Mary Sue with a canon character's name slapped on top, of course.
Severus and Harry went down to the kitchen to get some tea. Dawn was upon them and there was no use in trying to get back to sleep. But no sooner had they entered the kitchen, Severus saw through the window the two familiar figures descend from the sky. This time they did not place their wands on the ground but on the side of the house. Severus immediately fell prisoner to the collar and chain. Harry whipped out his wand to try to keep the men out. One flew away leaving Harry to duel only with the remaining wizard. He was keeping him at bay but it did not take a great strategist to understand that the other one was gaining access while Harry was forced to hold his ground in the kitchen.
“Richard!” cried Severus who had also figured out the game plan.
Harry left the kitchen and Severus unguarded and ran up to the nursery two steps at a time. When he arrived he saw the other wizard floating outside of Richard’s window. Richard was fast asleep and unaware of any danger.
The man looked at Harry with a wicked smile on his face and was soon joined by the other wizard. They both flew away without a word.
So basically they just turn up, zap Severus with chains (why do they need to restrain the Marked Ones when they've not got any magic anyway?), leer menacingly and fly away. Why?
“I can’t do it. I can’t protect my own family. I have to call Neville,” said Harry, clutching his useless wand.
Neville has an emergency Viagra stash.
But Harry did not listen and walked to the floo. To his surprise Ron was requesting passage and Harry granted it. To his amazement Ron walked through with an elf in his arms.
“It seems Gaby here fears that the Professor is in some kind of danger. I had to leave Hermione and my new baby boy to come here at his insistence. What is going on?” rambled Ron.
Ron is also OOC in this fic. Seriously, Ron talking in overblown Deservingspeak is even worse than Harry. I don't care if he's rambling, he still doesn't talk like that.
“Hermione has an elf?” asked a stunned Harry.
“Long story, listen, baby… would like to get back… moving this along,” said Ron, using his finger to convey meaning.
The meaning being: "I don't know why Hermione has an elf, but she has to for this scene to work. Give me a few chapters to come up with an explanation that's not glaringly OOC." Ron has a very expressive finger.
“Severus is in the kitchen bound and only Neville can help him,” explained Harry, leading them into the kitchen.
“Thick as always. Neville can’t free the professor no more than you and I can. The only ones that can free him are the elves. And lucky for us Gaby just happens to fit the bill.”
Yes, on account of being an elf. Well observed.
“But why hasn’t she fallen prisoner of the ivy cage?”
It occurs to me that it's a very specialised spell. "Put all the Marked Ones in chains that can only be removed by elves, and the elves in ivy cages". You just know some student of wizarding lore in centuries to come is going to stumble across an ancient grimoire and wonder what the hell those turn-of-the-millennium wizards were smoking.
“It will be Richard’s birthday soon,” said Harry lying on his back with his hands cushioning his head.
“Yes, it is soon,” said Severus turning the page of his book.
“I was thinking we should have a muggle style birthday party. I never had one. We can get a clown and a pony and ummm… popcorn making machine…”
I'm assuming it'll be a Muggle party so that the author doesn't have to recycle descriptions from the last birthday party that appeared in this fic.
Continued...
The following day when Harry came home from work, Severus and Millicent were waiting for him with Richard and Baby in arms. Harry knew there was something different about Millicent. She smiled as a wife would do when she got a new… haircut! The strands were gone and… were those earrings she was wearing?
For best results, imagine this passage set to O Fortuna, like I did with the opening of The Last War here. I'm all for quiet interstitial domestic scenes because the heroes can't be kicking ass 24/7 and sometimes they (and the reader) need to cool down, but when you try to make them as epic as the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny it just ends up looking silly and defeats the purpose.
“Can you give Dada a kiss too,” and again Richard smacked his lips in mid air not really kissing anyone. Harry put his finger on his cheek and placed his cheek in front of Richard’s face.
“Kiss for Dada,” he prompted but Richard was not complying.
“Give Dada a kiss like this,” said Snape kissing his son’s cheek.
Richard laughed and looked at Harry and said: “Kissssssssssssssss” and clapped happily adding a new word to his growing vocabulary.
This kid is now officially creepy.
“Snape, I need a shower before dinner,” he announced.
All together now: O Fortuna! Velut Luna! Statu variabilis...!
“Did Poppy come?”
AUGH NO IMAGES
“Yes, she did,” answered Severus, still not turning.
“Damn it, Snape, turn and face me when I am talking to you,” commanded the Guide.
We really needed it spelled out that this was a command?
“Sir, if you will allow me to explain. Millicent was able to tell Poppy, in a non-threatening environment, of the care or shall I say the non-care given to Baby in her Guide’s household. It seems that Baby was kept in a plastic dog kennel so Millicent could do her chores. The door would magically open three times a day so she could feed him. Millicent was not even allowed to keep him by her side at night. Baby has been deprived of human contact.”
The author's quest to one-up the Dursleys begins. (Yes, the "dear specific Harry Potter writer" was to this one.)
Do wizards even use plastics, anyway?
“So we don’t put him down for a second. We will each take turns carrying him, and playing with him, and talking to him…”
“Reading to him,” added Severus.
Harry closed his eyes and dropped his head then taking a deep breath said: “Yes, Snape, and reading to him.”
Why is Harry reacting as though reading to him were some kind of dreadful hardship? I know he's no great book-lover, but even so.
Harry accioed his knitting and placed it on Severus’ lap.
“Do you knit Professor?” asked a shocked Millicent.
"Not just the one. I knit lots of professors. Want to see my Dumbledore?"
After about half and hour and just before Severus was about to try to retire for the evening again, Millicent got up from the sofa and knelt before Harry. Severus’ eyes went wide and Harry preserved more than saw that something was going on. He put down his magazine and found Milly before him.
“Milly! What are you doing? Why are you doing this?” asked a stunned Harry.
Millicent looked up at him then vowed her head again.
“You have been so kind to my baby, and I and now you are my new master, so I am offering myself to you,” said the girl without raising her eyes.
Wait, no. She can't mean...
Harry looked shocked with horror and turned to Snape with a plea in his face, a plea that Severus didn’t know how to respond to. Did Harry want him to leave so he could be alone with Millicent? She was after all a woman and Harry craved the company of a female.
... she does.
“If you use me then you will not bother the professor and he won’t have to… you know… be used,” she explained, her cheeks flaming as she managed to stutter out the last of the sentence.
I'd say how many levels this is wrong on, but I lost count.
Harry didn’t know where to look. Did Snape put her up to this?
Severus, knowing of Harry’s insecurity, took a good guess at what Harry was thinking.
We didn't need the POV shift here. Sometimes a story benefits from being told from more than one perspective, though not the way this author does it because switching in the middle of a scene just disorients the reader. Here, though, we're quite literally getting the same piece of narration twice.
“I don’t mind sleeping on the floor but do you really have to wear that dreadful nightgown? I did get you new pajamas; did I not?”
Severus clutched the lacey collar in his fist as if that could prevent Harry from using his wand to vanish the apparel.
Well, he needs to "vanish the apparel" in order to "use his wand", if you know what I mean.
“She will not bother you again. You can go back to your room in confidence,” he whispered staring at the fire.
“I know that,” was Harry’s to-the-point answer.
Yes, that was indeed a to-the-point answer. You know how I knew that? Because it's to the point. You don't have to tell us that it is when you've already shown us!
After another half hour of thick tension,
... and mixed metaphors.
it was Harry’s turn to break the silence.
“Can I ask you a question?”
"I believe you already have." /Dumbledore
Harry guided Severus’ face towards him.
“Come on Snape, you know me. Do you really think a girl could put up with me? You know how difficult I can get. You are cold, heartless and strong and YOU can barely handle me.”
Yay sexism!
Two weeks later, Severus was awakened by a loud scream coming from the nursery. Harry woke right after him and followed him to the children’s room. Milly was crying and screaming but as soon as Harry spelled the light on they both realized that she was having a nightmare. Severus sat on the daybed and cradled her in his arms.
“Shhh child, it is alright. You are safe.”
Milly opened her eyes and took stock of her surroundings. Then she stated her frantic rant.
There's a difference between a statement and a rant. "I don't like this fic" is a statement. "FUCK THIS FUCKING FIC!" is a rant. ETA: It does occur on a reread that this might have been a typo for "she started her frantic rant".
“Professor, they were coming for me. There were two of them and they fell from the sky. They came to take me back but instead they chained you to the floor. Harry was frantic but for some reason he did not want to call Kreacher…”
There's a fine line between foreshadowing and pre-empting, and this author has fallen off it. Just guess what happens later in the chapter. Actually, you don't have to.
“Professor you must believe me. I have had dreams before and they always come true. You are in danger. Make no mistake: the men are on their way,” she pleaded.
The only reason Harry had Meaningful Dreams™ is that he was carrying a fragment of Voldemort's soul, so I'm interested in what this implies about Millicent. Apart from the fact that she's a Mary Sue with a canon character's name slapped on top, of course.
Severus and Harry went down to the kitchen to get some tea. Dawn was upon them and there was no use in trying to get back to sleep. But no sooner had they entered the kitchen, Severus saw through the window the two familiar figures descend from the sky. This time they did not place their wands on the ground but on the side of the house. Severus immediately fell prisoner to the collar and chain. Harry whipped out his wand to try to keep the men out. One flew away leaving Harry to duel only with the remaining wizard. He was keeping him at bay but it did not take a great strategist to understand that the other one was gaining access while Harry was forced to hold his ground in the kitchen.
“Richard!” cried Severus who had also figured out the game plan.
Harry left the kitchen and Severus unguarded and ran up to the nursery two steps at a time. When he arrived he saw the other wizard floating outside of Richard’s window. Richard was fast asleep and unaware of any danger.
The man looked at Harry with a wicked smile on his face and was soon joined by the other wizard. They both flew away without a word.
So basically they just turn up, zap Severus with chains (why do they need to restrain the Marked Ones when they've not got any magic anyway?), leer menacingly and fly away. Why?
“I can’t do it. I can’t protect my own family. I have to call Neville,” said Harry, clutching his useless wand.
Neville has an emergency Viagra stash.
But Harry did not listen and walked to the floo. To his surprise Ron was requesting passage and Harry granted it. To his amazement Ron walked through with an elf in his arms.
“It seems Gaby here fears that the Professor is in some kind of danger. I had to leave Hermione and my new baby boy to come here at his insistence. What is going on?” rambled Ron.
Ron is also OOC in this fic. Seriously, Ron talking in overblown Deservingspeak is even worse than Harry. I don't care if he's rambling, he still doesn't talk like that.
“Hermione has an elf?” asked a stunned Harry.
“Long story, listen, baby… would like to get back… moving this along,” said Ron, using his finger to convey meaning.
The meaning being: "I don't know why Hermione has an elf, but she has to for this scene to work. Give me a few chapters to come up with an explanation that's not glaringly OOC." Ron has a very expressive finger.
“Severus is in the kitchen bound and only Neville can help him,” explained Harry, leading them into the kitchen.
“Thick as always. Neville can’t free the professor no more than you and I can. The only ones that can free him are the elves. And lucky for us Gaby just happens to fit the bill.”
Yes, on account of being an elf. Well observed.
“But why hasn’t she fallen prisoner of the ivy cage?”
It occurs to me that it's a very specialised spell. "Put all the Marked Ones in chains that can only be removed by elves, and the elves in ivy cages". You just know some student of wizarding lore in centuries to come is going to stumble across an ancient grimoire and wonder what the hell those turn-of-the-millennium wizards were smoking.
“It will be Richard’s birthday soon,” said Harry lying on his back with his hands cushioning his head.
“Yes, it is soon,” said Severus turning the page of his book.
“I was thinking we should have a muggle style birthday party. I never had one. We can get a clown and a pony and ummm… popcorn making machine…”
I'm assuming it'll be a Muggle party so that the author doesn't have to recycle descriptions from the last birthday party that appeared in this fic.
Continued...