Deserving Chapter 12
Deserving Chapter 48 is a doozy, and by "doozy" I mean "squickfest", but all in good time. I'm hoping to get back onto a more regular schedule. The fic drags a little - it's about this point I gave up on it for a while when I was recapping on WGW before, as well - but from here on in the crazy goes into full overdrive.
First, of course, Harry and Severus need to get married. It occurs to me that for all its crapsackiness, the Deservingverse is surprisingly progressive: nobody seems to be batting an eyelid at gay marriage in 1998.
It didn’t take long for the news of Severus’ decision to travel.
As you recall, Harry and Severus are getting married because the Ministry thinks that marriage makes everything better! so the Marked Ones will stop being mistreated - an idealistic attitude quite at odds with the GRIMDARK angst of the Deservingverse - and Harry wants to keep the arse-baby.
Soon Hermione was in the room pleading with Snape.
Wait, when did Hermione and Severus become friends? They've barely interacted with each other all fic.
Minerva wanted to hex Harry
No. No, she didn't. If you recall, the only interaction they've had in this fic she got pissed off at Harry for deciding to let Severus breastfeed the baby (no, I didn't mistype that: pissed off because he did decide to let him) and you've got to do a lot more than that to convince me that Minerva McGonagall wants to hex Harry Potter. As with Hermione and Severus, characters need to interact for character development to take place. Show, don't tell. In this case, show us the character development: don't just pull things like Minerva wanting to hex Harry out of thin air.
Dennis simply looked at Snape. His eyes penetrated the Brewer’s soul
It took me a second or so to decipher this one. It's not been established either in canon or this fic that potion brewers take the title "Brewer", nor is Severus' profession relevant to this scene, so it really doesn't work.
Once the rest understood that Snape’s mind was made up there was only one thing to do and that was to make sure that Severus could go through the process with his dignity intact.
His dignity intact. In this fic. Yeah, that'll happen.
“Severus Snape, you look…” she seemed to be lost for words, “You have no idea what a relief it is to see the likes of you and young Mr. Malfoy doing so well. It is truly heartbreaking to see so many ex-students in such poor state, but you look healthy and well fed. How are you feeling?” she finally thought to ask.
From lost for words to spontaneous eloquent monologue in one paragraph!
Did she believe Harry was keeping the git from talking?
"Git" is so going in the Deserving drinking game.
“Can we get this over with? I am pressed for time,” said the Guide.
The word "said" puts in a rare appearance. Shame the author can't remember the name of the title character of the series, though. I mean, it's only at the top of every chapter of the fic.
“Madame Malkin, never assume anything.
Because when you assume... you know the drill. Except in Deserving, where the author makes an ass of everyone.
I simply refuse to serve as entertainment to the media and Wizarding World.
The wizarding world (which as I've said shouldn't be capitalised unless we're talking about the Universal Studios attraction) as distinct from the Muggle world, who aren't going to care anyway because none of them know who Harry Potter and Severus Snape are unless we're going meta.
But most of the Guides attend; they claim they don’t want the Wizarding World to forget who the bad guys are.”
It doesn't even make sense, because "wizard" isn't used as a proper noun (ETA: or otherwise taking a capital letter: thanks magnuscoatl for the correction) in the Harry Potter books.
Severus had to wonder when he had made so many friends because it seemed to him that he found one at every corner.
It seems that way to the reader as well, because for all the POV in this fic hops around like a rabbit on a caffeine high we barely get any idea of what anyone other than Harry or Severus is actually feeling. And then only if we're lucky. The author just seems to be, shall we say, assuming.
“I am afraid you are asking the wrong person for permission. You forget that Richard is my son,” came the voice that would shortly be ignored.
"I am afraid you are asking the wrong person for permission," said Harry. "You forget that Richard is my son." Dennis ignored him.
See, exactly the same event with less POV!fail, tense!fail and passive voice. Tell me that doesn't read better.
“You may take the picture,” came the voice again and this time it would not be ignored.
Unlike the rules of writing.
A family portrait, thought Harry. He had never been in one. Privet Drive was loaded with them but he did not appear on a single one. To both Snape and Dennis’ surprise Harry jumped at the opportunity and placed himself behind the seated Potions Master posing with a broad smile.
So... whose POV is this meant to be?
“Open that door and it will be the last thing you do,” warned Kingsley.
It's like the writer thinks that because Kingsley is a bad-ass black guy, he has to be played by Samuel L. Jackson. Except he's far too cool for Deserving. I've had it with these motherfucking said-bookisms in this motherfucking fanfic!
“I have the right to my privacy and you will not deny me of that right,” warned Harry.
Because using variant dialogue tags to get around having to repeat "said" kind of fails when you repeat them anyway. On which subject, thanks to love_jackianto on fanficrants for bringing this article to my attention.
The ceremony was short and to the point
Well, that's a first for this fic. I hope none of the Snarry shippers actually wanted to see the ceremony take place, because it happens off-screen. I guess the scene that the past eleven and a half chapters have been leading up to isn't important enough for description.
“How does it taste?” said Harry without moving his eyes from the suckling baby, “the milk, I mean,” he felt the need to make it clear.
Again, the mental images of this scene are something I could really do without. Has Severus been running around with a pair of D-cups all this time? Does any sane reader want to know?
A shadow of a smile escaped Severus’ face. “The book that Madam Pomfrey gave you and I have been reading says that it is very bitter and that it is quite common for a father to want to taste.”
“Why does he like it if it is bitter?” he asked without raising his eyes from his child.
“There are different theories: some say it is an acquired taste and others say that the warmth makes it comforting for the child. I would think it is a combination of both.”
The author would like you to know she's researched the finer points of breastfeeding. How much of it is relevant when the mother is male I don't know.
“We have to consummate this… according to the pamphlet that they gave me at the Ministry…”
In the wizarding world, they need pamphlets to tell people to consummate their marriages. It's no wonder they have such a small population.
Had he crossed the line into an alternative universe?
Nice lampshade.
What was going on? Why was Harry in the least concerned with his wellbeing? Severus half hopped for Harry to start laughing and whip out a ruler for Severus’ undeserving punishment.
"Ruler!" *thwack!* That never does get old.
That at least would make sense.
Insofar as anything in this fic ever does.
He decided he would go with the flow
Slightly unfortunate choice of words there. D:
He felt Harry’s erection nudging at his entrance.
It's like the world's worst knock-knock joke.
Severus reached down and grabbed his butt cheek
I've been convinced on the subject of Severus' vocabulary, but I'd still question whether he'd use "butt-cheek" in his internal monologue. It seems a bit too much of an Americanism.
His body was shooting streams of ivory seed.
Is ivory seed what you plant if you want to raise an army of skeletal elephants? Also: it's not a fire-hose.
At that same time he could feel Harry shooting his load into his rectum.
I won't say it.
“It’s done. I am officially married to the ugliest git in the magical world.
Don't you mean the Magical World™©?
Severus looked at the kid and felt his heart go out to him. He had seen into Harry’s mind. He had witnessed the abuse committed by the boy’s family.
You've seen nothing yet. Fuck you, Chapter 48.
Yet again, Harry Potter stepped up to the plate.
A metaphor I'm not entirely sure Severus would use. They don't play baseball in Harry Potter. You're thinking of Twilight.
They sat on the sofa side by side, something they had never done before, and Harry grabbed the first package. It was small. Harry read the label: To Mr. Severus Snape and Spouse. He handed the package over to Snape.
“Let’s see, open it,” coached the guide.
I'm convinced the author, stuck for a said-bookism, just looked up "instructed" in a thesaurus and stuck down the first word that caught her eye. It makes no sense otherwise.
Severus was visibly uncomfortable with the whole situation but he took the small package and un-wrapped it. He found that there was no card with the gift but none was needed because staring up at him was Richard, Harry and himself in a little silver frame. Richard was the only one moving in the photo kicking his legs and giggling. They both smiled at the thoughtfulness of Dennis.
Okay, this is sweet. :)
Harry picked up another small package that read:
From: Madam P. Pomfrey
To: Mr. Severus Snape & Company
[snippage]
It was a jar of lubricant with pain reduction qualities.
What. No. There may exist somewhere a physician who thinks a jar of analgesic lube is an appropriate wedding present for two of her patients, but an in-character Madam Pomfrey isn't.
From: Mr & Mr Shacklebolt
To: Mr & Mr Potter
How very cutesy.
Harry gave Severus a half smile that said ‘not too bad’ and opened the package. It was a rather big leather bound book. “The Art of Making Love to Your Husband.”
Packed with X-rated fanart. (Is there any Deserving fanart out there, does anyone know? I've not found any, but it's not very easy to Google. The fic certainly seems to have a large enough fanbase to support some.)
Harry opened the book but slammed it close when he saw the very graphic nature of the illustrations.
The fic had been bad enough.
Harry felt uncomfortable just having the book on his lap. He eyes were wondering around the room trying to find something to focus on when he came back to the gifts and recognized the penmanship on the next to last package.
From: R. Hagrid
To: Mr. & Mr. Potter-Snape
They both peeked in with caution just to find a wedding cake in the box. It had two grooms on the top that look a lot like Harry and Severus. It had a note that read:
I made it myself.
Cool, sweet and in character. More of these and less of HARRY GETTING RAPED BY VERNON (seriously, WTF? Fuck you, Chapter 48; fuck you very much.) and it might actually be a halfway decent fic.
“Is it edible,” asked the naive professor.
“Sure... let me cut you a piece,” said the mischievous guide.
"Enough with the epithets," said the irate reviewer.
The next and last gift read.
[snip]
Dear Headmaster Severus Snape,
Please accept this as your dowry from the castle that will always love and respect you.
Sending good thoughts your way,
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
[snip]
“All students’ acceptance letters are sent from the school. The headmaster or mistress may add a note but the letter is from Hogwarts. It alone has a say in who is accepted into the school.”
This is actually quite cool.
“But how?”
“Magic”
This, less so. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer.
Severus considered what had been said then looked at Harry. “I do not wish to spend my dowry. It will be the only thing I will be able to leave my children.”
Harry knew that wasn’t true but of course Severus did not know what Harry knew.
Because it wouldn't be Deserving without POV!fail.
Continued...
First, of course, Harry and Severus need to get married. It occurs to me that for all its crapsackiness, the Deservingverse is surprisingly progressive: nobody seems to be batting an eyelid at gay marriage in 1998.
It didn’t take long for the news of Severus’ decision to travel.
As you recall, Harry and Severus are getting married because the Ministry thinks that marriage makes everything better! so the Marked Ones will stop being mistreated - an idealistic attitude quite at odds with the GRIMDARK angst of the Deservingverse - and Harry wants to keep the arse-baby.
Soon Hermione was in the room pleading with Snape.
Wait, when did Hermione and Severus become friends? They've barely interacted with each other all fic.
Minerva wanted to hex Harry
No. No, she didn't. If you recall, the only interaction they've had in this fic she got pissed off at Harry for deciding to let Severus breastfeed the baby (no, I didn't mistype that: pissed off because he did decide to let him) and you've got to do a lot more than that to convince me that Minerva McGonagall wants to hex Harry Potter. As with Hermione and Severus, characters need to interact for character development to take place. Show, don't tell. In this case, show us the character development: don't just pull things like Minerva wanting to hex Harry out of thin air.
Dennis simply looked at Snape. His eyes penetrated the Brewer’s soul
It took me a second or so to decipher this one. It's not been established either in canon or this fic that potion brewers take the title "Brewer", nor is Severus' profession relevant to this scene, so it really doesn't work.
Once the rest understood that Snape’s mind was made up there was only one thing to do and that was to make sure that Severus could go through the process with his dignity intact.
His dignity intact. In this fic. Yeah, that'll happen.
“Severus Snape, you look…” she seemed to be lost for words, “You have no idea what a relief it is to see the likes of you and young Mr. Malfoy doing so well. It is truly heartbreaking to see so many ex-students in such poor state, but you look healthy and well fed. How are you feeling?” she finally thought to ask.
From lost for words to spontaneous eloquent monologue in one paragraph!
Did she believe Harry was keeping the git from talking?
"Git" is so going in the Deserving drinking game.
“Can we get this over with? I am pressed for time,” said the Guide.
The word "said" puts in a rare appearance. Shame the author can't remember the name of the title character of the series, though. I mean, it's only at the top of every chapter of the fic.
“Madame Malkin, never assume anything.
Because when you assume... you know the drill. Except in Deserving, where the author makes an ass of everyone.
I simply refuse to serve as entertainment to the media and Wizarding World.
The wizarding world (which as I've said shouldn't be capitalised unless we're talking about the Universal Studios attraction) as distinct from the Muggle world, who aren't going to care anyway because none of them know who Harry Potter and Severus Snape are unless we're going meta.
But most of the Guides attend; they claim they don’t want the Wizarding World to forget who the bad guys are.”
It doesn't even make sense, because "wizard" isn't used as a proper noun (ETA: or otherwise taking a capital letter: thanks magnuscoatl for the correction) in the Harry Potter books.
Severus had to wonder when he had made so many friends because it seemed to him that he found one at every corner.
It seems that way to the reader as well, because for all the POV in this fic hops around like a rabbit on a caffeine high we barely get any idea of what anyone other than Harry or Severus is actually feeling. And then only if we're lucky. The author just seems to be, shall we say, assuming.
“I am afraid you are asking the wrong person for permission. You forget that Richard is my son,” came the voice that would shortly be ignored.
"I am afraid you are asking the wrong person for permission," said Harry. "You forget that Richard is my son." Dennis ignored him.
See, exactly the same event with less POV!fail, tense!fail and passive voice. Tell me that doesn't read better.
“You may take the picture,” came the voice again and this time it would not be ignored.
Unlike the rules of writing.
A family portrait, thought Harry. He had never been in one. Privet Drive was loaded with them but he did not appear on a single one. To both Snape and Dennis’ surprise Harry jumped at the opportunity and placed himself behind the seated Potions Master posing with a broad smile.
So... whose POV is this meant to be?
“Open that door and it will be the last thing you do,” warned Kingsley.
It's like the writer thinks that because Kingsley is a bad-ass black guy, he has to be played by Samuel L. Jackson. Except he's far too cool for Deserving. I've had it with these motherfucking said-bookisms in this motherfucking fanfic!
“I have the right to my privacy and you will not deny me of that right,” warned Harry.
Because using variant dialogue tags to get around having to repeat "said" kind of fails when you repeat them anyway. On which subject, thanks to love_jackianto on fanficrants for bringing this article to my attention.
The ceremony was short and to the point
Well, that's a first for this fic. I hope none of the Snarry shippers actually wanted to see the ceremony take place, because it happens off-screen. I guess the scene that the past eleven and a half chapters have been leading up to isn't important enough for description.
“How does it taste?” said Harry without moving his eyes from the suckling baby, “the milk, I mean,” he felt the need to make it clear.
Again, the mental images of this scene are something I could really do without. Has Severus been running around with a pair of D-cups all this time? Does any sane reader want to know?
A shadow of a smile escaped Severus’ face. “The book that Madam Pomfrey gave you and I have been reading says that it is very bitter and that it is quite common for a father to want to taste.”
“Why does he like it if it is bitter?” he asked without raising his eyes from his child.
“There are different theories: some say it is an acquired taste and others say that the warmth makes it comforting for the child. I would think it is a combination of both.”
The author would like you to know she's researched the finer points of breastfeeding. How much of it is relevant when the mother is male I don't know.
“We have to consummate this… according to the pamphlet that they gave me at the Ministry…”
In the wizarding world, they need pamphlets to tell people to consummate their marriages. It's no wonder they have such a small population.
Had he crossed the line into an alternative universe?
Nice lampshade.
What was going on? Why was Harry in the least concerned with his wellbeing? Severus half hopped for Harry to start laughing and whip out a ruler for Severus’ undeserving punishment.
"Ruler!" *thwack!* That never does get old.
That at least would make sense.
Insofar as anything in this fic ever does.
He decided he would go with the flow
Slightly unfortunate choice of words there. D:
He felt Harry’s erection nudging at his entrance.
It's like the world's worst knock-knock joke.
Severus reached down and grabbed his butt cheek
I've been convinced on the subject of Severus' vocabulary, but I'd still question whether he'd use "butt-cheek" in his internal monologue. It seems a bit too much of an Americanism.
His body was shooting streams of ivory seed.
Is ivory seed what you plant if you want to raise an army of skeletal elephants? Also: it's not a fire-hose.
At that same time he could feel Harry shooting his load into his rectum.
I won't say it.
“It’s done. I am officially married to the ugliest git in the magical world.
Don't you mean the Magical World™©?
Severus looked at the kid and felt his heart go out to him. He had seen into Harry’s mind. He had witnessed the abuse committed by the boy’s family.
You've seen nothing yet. Fuck you, Chapter 48.
Yet again, Harry Potter stepped up to the plate.
A metaphor I'm not entirely sure Severus would use. They don't play baseball in Harry Potter. You're thinking of Twilight.
They sat on the sofa side by side, something they had never done before, and Harry grabbed the first package. It was small. Harry read the label: To Mr. Severus Snape and Spouse. He handed the package over to Snape.
“Let’s see, open it,” coached the guide.
I'm convinced the author, stuck for a said-bookism, just looked up "instructed" in a thesaurus and stuck down the first word that caught her eye. It makes no sense otherwise.
Severus was visibly uncomfortable with the whole situation but he took the small package and un-wrapped it. He found that there was no card with the gift but none was needed because staring up at him was Richard, Harry and himself in a little silver frame. Richard was the only one moving in the photo kicking his legs and giggling. They both smiled at the thoughtfulness of Dennis.
Okay, this is sweet. :)
Harry picked up another small package that read:
From: Madam P. Pomfrey
To: Mr. Severus Snape & Company
[snippage]
It was a jar of lubricant with pain reduction qualities.
What. No. There may exist somewhere a physician who thinks a jar of analgesic lube is an appropriate wedding present for two of her patients, but an in-character Madam Pomfrey isn't.
From: Mr & Mr Shacklebolt
To: Mr & Mr Potter
How very cutesy.
Harry gave Severus a half smile that said ‘not too bad’ and opened the package. It was a rather big leather bound book. “The Art of Making Love to Your Husband.”
Packed with X-rated fanart. (Is there any Deserving fanart out there, does anyone know? I've not found any, but it's not very easy to Google. The fic certainly seems to have a large enough fanbase to support some.)
Harry opened the book but slammed it close when he saw the very graphic nature of the illustrations.
The fic had been bad enough.
Harry felt uncomfortable just having the book on his lap. He eyes were wondering around the room trying to find something to focus on when he came back to the gifts and recognized the penmanship on the next to last package.
From: R. Hagrid
To: Mr. & Mr. Potter-Snape
They both peeked in with caution just to find a wedding cake in the box. It had two grooms on the top that look a lot like Harry and Severus. It had a note that read:
I made it myself.
Cool, sweet and in character. More of these and less of HARRY GETTING RAPED BY VERNON (seriously, WTF? Fuck you, Chapter 48; fuck you very much.) and it might actually be a halfway decent fic.
“Is it edible,” asked the naive professor.
“Sure... let me cut you a piece,” said the mischievous guide.
"Enough with the epithets," said the irate reviewer.
The next and last gift read.
[snip]
Dear Headmaster Severus Snape,
Please accept this as your dowry from the castle that will always love and respect you.
Sending good thoughts your way,
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
[snip]
“All students’ acceptance letters are sent from the school. The headmaster or mistress may add a note but the letter is from Hogwarts. It alone has a say in who is accepted into the school.”
This is actually quite cool.
“But how?”
“Magic”
This, less so. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer.
Severus considered what had been said then looked at Harry. “I do not wish to spend my dowry. It will be the only thing I will be able to leave my children.”
Harry knew that wasn’t true but of course Severus did not know what Harry knew.
Because it wouldn't be Deserving without POV!fail.
Continued...