Deserving Chapter 13
It's been quiet on the Deserving front since Chapter 48's bombshell of fail, which I suppose gives these recaps some time to catch up.
The next morning Severus found the coins for his deed on the night table.
A subplot that started out inane and is now completely pointless because Severus has a massive box of gold and gems from Hogwarts. Which actually does come up later in this scene.
When they went down for breakfast they found Kreacher in the kitchen serving up a special breakfast.
“Snape, I think he is giving you a honeymoon breakfast,” Harry said mockingly.
Having seemingly appeared out of nowhere.
Harry took a second look at the table and found that Kreacher had made all his favourites. It warmed his heart to see that someone still thought about him.
The only character who cares about him is the one who's under a magical compulsion. Very reassuring.
He accioed the chest
"Accioed" is a perfectly cromulent word.
“Is Kreacher taking Master Severus to Madame Malkin?” asked the little elf.
“Master?” questioned the Savior of the Wizarding World.
The first line of dialogue in this chapter actually used "Harry said". Too good to last, I guess.
Harry saw the logic behind the elf’s thinking but was not about to allow the ‘master’ business in his house.
“Yes, well, you do know how I feel about the word ‘master.’ I do not allow you to use it with me and I will not allow you to use it with him. You can call him ‘sir’ but none of this ‘master’ business.”
Yay redundancy!
The following night Harry was sitting in his favourite chair in the sitting room reading a book when Severus walked in. He had just put Richard down for the night and sat in the chair that Harry had assigned him after the birth of their son. Severus sat down after a long day to enjoy the warmth from the hearth and to do a bit of knitting. It had become a favourite pastime once he had mastered the art.
I can't help wondering, reading passages like this, whether Deserving actually has two authors. Here we have a strange but not completely insane image presented in functional prose, worlds apart from the "Good sir, might I humbly request an accompaniment of French fried potatoes with yonder repast?" interrogated the Supreme Grand Golden All-Conquering Saviour Of Wizardkind that we're normally faced with. We know from the author's notes that she's given to re-editing the fic once she gets it back from her beta, but would that explain such a drastic shift in quality by itself?
Random acts such as this one continued for the next two weeks and Severus was at a loss. Why? Why the change?
Good question. I'm not complaining.
“Your knitting is right besides your chair,” said the kid without raising his eyes from the book.
“Yes, husband, I know. Ah... whe... ah...”
Harry put his book down. “Are you really at a lost for words? You, Severus Snape?”
Severus had to admit he did sound quite dim-witted, so he straightened himself up in his chair and said, “May I ask you a question, sir?”
Harry smiled a wicked smile, “It is too tempting to respond that you have already asked but then I would sound just like an arrogant professor I had at Hogwarts.”
Yes of course the kid was right. It had been poorly phrased. Severus took a deep breath and then let it out. “Why are you being kind to me?”
Harry turned his head to the fire. Suddenly he was mesmerized by it. “On our wedding day I took an oath, on my magic, to protect and provide for you. I do not take my oaths lightly.”
This? This is a conversation well-written enough by the standards of what we've seen so far that I don't even care about the ambiguous POV at the end.
Severus needed order, logic, sense, and now this was restored.
More than can be said for your recapper. I know you can expect a writer to improve as they write more, but here... it's like a quantum leap, or as I said a completely different author. Is this still Deserving, or is someone playing silly bastards with my head?
“So is tonight alright with you?” questioned the Gryffindor
questioned the Gryffindor
questioned the Gryffindor
It was good whilst it lasted, wasn't it?
Harry simply nodded but when Severus reached the stairs, “Make sure to apply the lube.”
And it was Severus’ turn to simply nod even when he was sure that Harry could not see him from his seated position.
Almost an hour had passed by when Harry finally entered the bedroom. He was stunned to find Severus naked and kneeling.
It took that long? By the way, we seem to have slipped into Harry's POV.
Had Harry forgiven him?
This is Chapter 13 of 48 and counting. What do you think?
Did he have the right to forgive him without properly punishing him for his wrong doings?
Considering he took it upon himself to administer the punishment, I'd say so. I thought Severus was big on logic.
Severus got up but all of a sudden he had lost all intelligence.
A common enough symptom of being in a badfic.
Even Harry’s erection, that was pocking him in the back, felt weaker then it used to be. Did he need his anger in order to perform at maximum capacity?
Maybe he needs Viagra. This phrase "maximum capacity" makes me picture Severus lying there with some kind of dickometer. Readings are off the scale, Captain!
He grabbed his upper butt cheek and pulled it up so Harry could have a better aim.
I've already expressed my doubts as to whether he'd use "butt-cheek", but... his upper one? Most people have a left and a right.
“Yesss,” hissed his husband from behind.
Harry lapses into Parseltongue mid-act. WTF?
Should he ask his husband for permission to stroke himself? But there was no need to ponder on that last question because right then and there Harry shot his load.
"There will be bloody riots and savage insurrections leading to a violent popular uprising unless the regime starts being lots nicer about stuff."
The next day Kingsley called him into his office. Harry had not yet crossed the threshold when his chief fired his questions.
In OOC rant mode, naturally.
“What do you have against her? Against her child? Or are you just prejudice against all Slytherins?”
“Kings, for some god forsaken reason you are under the impression that I can read minds. What are you on about?”
Kings glared at him. “What am I on about? What am I on about? I will tell you what I am on about, Mr. Potter. Does the name Pansy Parkinson ring a bell? And does the image of her under nourished child come up in that pea brain of yours?”
Oh, that, yes... Harry felt the weight of his guilt come crashing down upon him. He knew that Kingsley was right in being cross.
Yes, he probably is. He's still OOC, but the writing seems to be half-decent again which almost makes up for it.
“Kings, because of him, my parents are dead, because of him my godfather is dead, because of him the greatest leader of our times is dead and now we have no guidance,” he said not lifting his eyes from his trainers.
This is just as wrong as it's ever been, but it sets up a good line:
“A true leader makes leaders.”
We have another good scene following this one, in which Harry does some midnight soul-searching - an old cliché I admit a certain fondness for - with Severus' help.
That night Severus woke up in the middle of the night to find an empty bed. Once his eyes adjusted he found Harry in the window seat staring out into the night.
“Husband, are you well?”
Harry simply nodded not moving his gaze from the darkness outside.
“Can I get you something?”
Harry shook his head.
Yet again Severus had no choice but to feel sorry for the kid. He looked so lonely there in the night and so, so sad. If it were day time he could bring Richard in, that would surely brighten up the kid but that was not an option. He settled back in bed but he could not sleep knowing that Harry was troubled by something. He did not want to show his concern so he lay there very still trying to fain sleep.
Though I don't think anyone's faining in this scene.
Harry explained in the same monotone what had happened, leaving Severus at a loss for words. Had this kid, the Saviour of the Wizarding World, really turned into a monster, with out any feelings or compassion?
If this were truly the case, then they wouldn't be having this conversation.
“HER CHILD NEEDED NOURISHMENT!”
“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT?”
Order of the Phoenix mode, go!
“I just couldn’t bare the sight of her. She was nothing of the cheeky girl back at Hogwarts.”
Oh, great. Now I have an image of Pansy as one of the Cheeky Girls. D:
Anyway, Harry flies off on his broom. Canon-bustingly, it's his Firebolt - I guess if Severus survived Deathly Hallows the Firebolt might as well too, or else he bought another one off-screen. I half expect to see Hedwig fluttering in through the window.
“Look! Dad is here,” said Severus turning so Richard could see Harry.
“Dada!” said the happy little baby.
Possibly in response to the question "what makes more sense than this fic?"
I could suck a lump of pure aspartame and it wouldn't be as sickly-sweet as the rest of the chapter, so I'll leave it here.
Continued...
The next morning Severus found the coins for his deed on the night table.
A subplot that started out inane and is now completely pointless because Severus has a massive box of gold and gems from Hogwarts. Which actually does come up later in this scene.
When they went down for breakfast they found Kreacher in the kitchen serving up a special breakfast.
“Snape, I think he is giving you a honeymoon breakfast,” Harry said mockingly.
Having seemingly appeared out of nowhere.
Harry took a second look at the table and found that Kreacher had made all his favourites. It warmed his heart to see that someone still thought about him.
The only character who cares about him is the one who's under a magical compulsion. Very reassuring.
He accioed the chest
"Accioed" is a perfectly cromulent word.
“Is Kreacher taking Master Severus to Madame Malkin?” asked the little elf.
“Master?” questioned the Savior of the Wizarding World.
The first line of dialogue in this chapter actually used "Harry said". Too good to last, I guess.
Harry saw the logic behind the elf’s thinking but was not about to allow the ‘master’ business in his house.
“Yes, well, you do know how I feel about the word ‘master.’ I do not allow you to use it with me and I will not allow you to use it with him. You can call him ‘sir’ but none of this ‘master’ business.”
Yay redundancy!
The following night Harry was sitting in his favourite chair in the sitting room reading a book when Severus walked in. He had just put Richard down for the night and sat in the chair that Harry had assigned him after the birth of their son. Severus sat down after a long day to enjoy the warmth from the hearth and to do a bit of knitting. It had become a favourite pastime once he had mastered the art.
I can't help wondering, reading passages like this, whether Deserving actually has two authors. Here we have a strange but not completely insane image presented in functional prose, worlds apart from the "Good sir, might I humbly request an accompaniment of French fried potatoes with yonder repast?" interrogated the Supreme Grand Golden All-Conquering Saviour Of Wizardkind that we're normally faced with. We know from the author's notes that she's given to re-editing the fic once she gets it back from her beta, but would that explain such a drastic shift in quality by itself?
Random acts such as this one continued for the next two weeks and Severus was at a loss. Why? Why the change?
Good question. I'm not complaining.
“Your knitting is right besides your chair,” said the kid without raising his eyes from the book.
“Yes, husband, I know. Ah... whe... ah...”
Harry put his book down. “Are you really at a lost for words? You, Severus Snape?”
Severus had to admit he did sound quite dim-witted, so he straightened himself up in his chair and said, “May I ask you a question, sir?”
Harry smiled a wicked smile, “It is too tempting to respond that you have already asked but then I would sound just like an arrogant professor I had at Hogwarts.”
Yes of course the kid was right. It had been poorly phrased. Severus took a deep breath and then let it out. “Why are you being kind to me?”
Harry turned his head to the fire. Suddenly he was mesmerized by it. “On our wedding day I took an oath, on my magic, to protect and provide for you. I do not take my oaths lightly.”
This? This is a conversation well-written enough by the standards of what we've seen so far that I don't even care about the ambiguous POV at the end.
Severus needed order, logic, sense, and now this was restored.
More than can be said for your recapper. I know you can expect a writer to improve as they write more, but here... it's like a quantum leap, or as I said a completely different author. Is this still Deserving, or is someone playing silly bastards with my head?
“So is tonight alright with you?” questioned the Gryffindor
questioned the Gryffindor
questioned the Gryffindor
It was good whilst it lasted, wasn't it?
Harry simply nodded but when Severus reached the stairs, “Make sure to apply the lube.”
And it was Severus’ turn to simply nod even when he was sure that Harry could not see him from his seated position.
Almost an hour had passed by when Harry finally entered the bedroom. He was stunned to find Severus naked and kneeling.
It took that long? By the way, we seem to have slipped into Harry's POV.
Had Harry forgiven him?
This is Chapter 13 of 48 and counting. What do you think?
Did he have the right to forgive him without properly punishing him for his wrong doings?
Considering he took it upon himself to administer the punishment, I'd say so. I thought Severus was big on logic.
Severus got up but all of a sudden he had lost all intelligence.
A common enough symptom of being in a badfic.
Even Harry’s erection, that was pocking him in the back, felt weaker then it used to be. Did he need his anger in order to perform at maximum capacity?
Maybe he needs Viagra. This phrase "maximum capacity" makes me picture Severus lying there with some kind of dickometer. Readings are off the scale, Captain!
He grabbed his upper butt cheek and pulled it up so Harry could have a better aim.
I've already expressed my doubts as to whether he'd use "butt-cheek", but... his upper one? Most people have a left and a right.
“Yesss,” hissed his husband from behind.
Harry lapses into Parseltongue mid-act. WTF?
Should he ask his husband for permission to stroke himself? But there was no need to ponder on that last question because right then and there Harry shot his load.
"There will be bloody riots and savage insurrections leading to a violent popular uprising unless the regime starts being lots nicer about stuff."
The next day Kingsley called him into his office. Harry had not yet crossed the threshold when his chief fired his questions.
In OOC rant mode, naturally.
“What do you have against her? Against her child? Or are you just prejudice against all Slytherins?”
“Kings, for some god forsaken reason you are under the impression that I can read minds. What are you on about?”
Kings glared at him. “What am I on about? What am I on about? I will tell you what I am on about, Mr. Potter. Does the name Pansy Parkinson ring a bell? And does the image of her under nourished child come up in that pea brain of yours?”
Oh, that, yes... Harry felt the weight of his guilt come crashing down upon him. He knew that Kingsley was right in being cross.
Yes, he probably is. He's still OOC, but the writing seems to be half-decent again which almost makes up for it.
“Kings, because of him, my parents are dead, because of him my godfather is dead, because of him the greatest leader of our times is dead and now we have no guidance,” he said not lifting his eyes from his trainers.
This is just as wrong as it's ever been, but it sets up a good line:
“A true leader makes leaders.”
We have another good scene following this one, in which Harry does some midnight soul-searching - an old cliché I admit a certain fondness for - with Severus' help.
That night Severus woke up in the middle of the night to find an empty bed. Once his eyes adjusted he found Harry in the window seat staring out into the night.
“Husband, are you well?”
Harry simply nodded not moving his gaze from the darkness outside.
“Can I get you something?”
Harry shook his head.
Yet again Severus had no choice but to feel sorry for the kid. He looked so lonely there in the night and so, so sad. If it were day time he could bring Richard in, that would surely brighten up the kid but that was not an option. He settled back in bed but he could not sleep knowing that Harry was troubled by something. He did not want to show his concern so he lay there very still trying to fain sleep.
Though I don't think anyone's faining in this scene.
Harry explained in the same monotone what had happened, leaving Severus at a loss for words. Had this kid, the Saviour of the Wizarding World, really turned into a monster, with out any feelings or compassion?
If this were truly the case, then they wouldn't be having this conversation.
“HER CHILD NEEDED NOURISHMENT!”
“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT?”
Order of the Phoenix mode, go!
“I just couldn’t bare the sight of her. She was nothing of the cheeky girl back at Hogwarts.”
Oh, great. Now I have an image of Pansy as one of the Cheeky Girls. D:
Anyway, Harry flies off on his broom. Canon-bustingly, it's his Firebolt - I guess if Severus survived Deathly Hallows the Firebolt might as well too, or else he bought another one off-screen. I half expect to see Hedwig fluttering in through the window.
“Look! Dad is here,” said Severus turning so Richard could see Harry.
“Dada!” said the happy little baby.
Possibly in response to the question "what makes more sense than this fic?"
I could suck a lump of pure aspartame and it wouldn't be as sickly-sweet as the rest of the chapter, so I'll leave it here.
Continued...