That's Me in the Corner...
that's me in the spotlight I'm losing my religion...
so in a lot of ways I've lost my religion.
Wait.
Before I get into a religious post let me just say this:
I believe in God. As a bumper sticker I saw the other night said, "Jesus is my homeboy".
I just wanted to make that clear in case the following sounds like God bashing.
I grew up under very strict Presbyterian rule. My uncle was the associate pastor of our church. Sunday school, sunday service, sunday evening service, youth group, vacation bible school...all of it, perfect attendance. The lyrics of "This Little Light of Mine" and "Kum Ba Yah" were the soundtrack of my youth. Not that that's bad, they're really kind of catchy tunes..don't let Satan blow it out, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine...
BUT, right about the time I learned to think for myself without worry of repercussion, I became a little uneasy with the constant message that was being beat into my head Sunday after Sunday, year after year. It goes something like this:
Sunnee, you're a bad person, I mean really, really bad. You sin A LOT. BUT, if you repent your sins and ask Jesus for forgiveness, he will have mercy on you. Depending on how you live the rest of your life, you may or may not spend an eternity engulfed in flames as you commiserate your patheticness with the billion other sinners who undeservingly walked the earth in this place we like to call--hell. You don't deserve Jesus' mercy, but if you tithe and repent and pray, He will take pardon on you. Did I mention tithe? Please hand over all your money and place it in the tithe bowl and pass it on to the usher who just recently got convicted of 38 sex crimes. It doesn't matter your allowance is only $10 a week, hand it over sister. And you must come back next Sunday so we can repeat this process. And check your thoughts and original thinking abilities at the door, it's easier to brainwash you that way.
Okay, I admit, that last line was unnecessary but I'm not deleting it because that is how I felt on many, many occasions. I mean I was like nine, how much does a nine year old sin? I seriously thought peeing in the pool would strip me of my ticket to heaven's pearly gates. It was made clear I only had one ticket, and that ticket was dangled in front of my face for years.
This was my experience, with my church and with people I loved and love. I finally had to walk away to find my way. I haven't been back to church since but in many ways I feel closer to God than I ever have. I still pray (starting with Dear God--can't shake everything from your youth, no matter how hard you try) and I pray a lot. I still believe it's important to tithe, although now I see tithing much differently and don't tithe to a religious organization.
In 1993 I read my first Marianne Williamson book, "A Return to Love". That book singlehandedly changed my life and my relationship with God. Really, I'm not exaggerating, changed my life. There are a few other books I can say that about, but A Return to Love was the first and by far the most significant.
The reason I am in the mood to post about religion is because I recently checked out this book from the library:
I had no idea who the author was and I quickly found out I must've been hiding under a rock because this dude is uber famous!
When I read the first page, I must admit I got a bit nervous. I didn't realize I picked up a Christianity book. I assumed I was going to read about how horrible I am--not really what I'm looking for in my self help books.
This one is different. I've only just started it, but I like what I've read so far.
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough...
--rem
so in a lot of ways I've lost my religion.
Wait.
Before I get into a religious post let me just say this:
I believe in God. As a bumper sticker I saw the other night said, "Jesus is my homeboy".
I just wanted to make that clear in case the following sounds like God bashing.
I grew up under very strict Presbyterian rule. My uncle was the associate pastor of our church. Sunday school, sunday service, sunday evening service, youth group, vacation bible school...all of it, perfect attendance. The lyrics of "This Little Light of Mine" and "Kum Ba Yah" were the soundtrack of my youth. Not that that's bad, they're really kind of catchy tunes..don't let Satan blow it out, I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine...
BUT, right about the time I learned to think for myself without worry of repercussion, I became a little uneasy with the constant message that was being beat into my head Sunday after Sunday, year after year. It goes something like this:
Sunnee, you're a bad person, I mean really, really bad. You sin A LOT. BUT, if you repent your sins and ask Jesus for forgiveness, he will have mercy on you. Depending on how you live the rest of your life, you may or may not spend an eternity engulfed in flames as you commiserate your patheticness with the billion other sinners who undeservingly walked the earth in this place we like to call--hell. You don't deserve Jesus' mercy, but if you tithe and repent and pray, He will take pardon on you. Did I mention tithe? Please hand over all your money and place it in the tithe bowl and pass it on to the usher who just recently got convicted of 38 sex crimes. It doesn't matter your allowance is only $10 a week, hand it over sister. And you must come back next Sunday so we can repeat this process. And check your thoughts and original thinking abilities at the door, it's easier to brainwash you that way.
Okay, I admit, that last line was unnecessary but I'm not deleting it because that is how I felt on many, many occasions. I mean I was like nine, how much does a nine year old sin? I seriously thought peeing in the pool would strip me of my ticket to heaven's pearly gates. It was made clear I only had one ticket, and that ticket was dangled in front of my face for years.
This was my experience, with my church and with people I loved and love. I finally had to walk away to find my way. I haven't been back to church since but in many ways I feel closer to God than I ever have. I still pray (starting with Dear God--can't shake everything from your youth, no matter how hard you try) and I pray a lot. I still believe it's important to tithe, although now I see tithing much differently and don't tithe to a religious organization.
In 1993 I read my first Marianne Williamson book, "A Return to Love". That book singlehandedly changed my life and my relationship with God. Really, I'm not exaggerating, changed my life. There are a few other books I can say that about, but A Return to Love was the first and by far the most significant.
The reason I am in the mood to post about religion is because I recently checked out this book from the library:
I had no idea who the author was and I quickly found out I must've been hiding under a rock because this dude is uber famous!
When I read the first page, I must admit I got a bit nervous. I didn't realize I picked up a Christianity book. I assumed I was going to read about how horrible I am--not really what I'm looking for in my self help books.
This one is different. I've only just started it, but I like what I've read so far.
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough...
--rem