What happened?
Dave and I went to a state park that me and friends used to pretty much live at. Those times were filled with so much laughter, spiritual freedom and freedom. Freedom to be who we were and embrace that. Freedom to feel what we were feeling and feeling safe in our group to share that.
I miss those feelings.
What happened to me of those times?
It's not the acceptance of growing up and change. It is the loss of that feeling of freedom. I don't laugh at all like I used too. You know those hard belly laughs were you're crying, laughing and trying not to pee yourself. I miss that freedom I had with my friends to just stop and get into an impromptu ritual. That calmness and a joy/love that I can't even start to explain. I can't even explain the adventures we had as well. It feels like a loss and not just growing up.
Have you ever lived your life in fear or constant anxiety? I have and do and I don't honestly know why. I want this person back in the sense of not letting life just go by and grabbing a hold of it and cherishing it. It's not that I don't have amazing people in my life today but I also have pushes away even more over the years. Why? I'd like my life enriched by those around me and then myself for who I am as well.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I don't talk about it with anyone. Not even my partner, family or friends. No one wants to hear your whining and constant depressing shit. So I don't as much as possible. How do I get my life back? Seriously. I know a step is talk therapy but I'm waiting till we settle someplace so I don't have to switch therapists a few months in. That makes therapy harder when you keep starting over. I'm not sure where to go from here. The migraines, bipolar, numbness and tremors always seem to take over or I let them. Dave is SO adventures and a get up and lets have fun kind of guy and then here I come. The mother, worrier or sick. This man loves me like no other and he is so patient with me and what is going on, but I DON'T WANT TO BE ME!! I want to be the me who grabs hold of life and sucks in every moment.
Is this ramble on the slide into manic moments? Possible, but it feels so real, so who knows.
I miss those feelings.
What happened to me of those times?
It's not the acceptance of growing up and change. It is the loss of that feeling of freedom. I don't laugh at all like I used too. You know those hard belly laughs were you're crying, laughing and trying not to pee yourself. I miss that freedom I had with my friends to just stop and get into an impromptu ritual. That calmness and a joy/love that I can't even start to explain. I can't even explain the adventures we had as well. It feels like a loss and not just growing up.
Have you ever lived your life in fear or constant anxiety? I have and do and I don't honestly know why. I want this person back in the sense of not letting life just go by and grabbing a hold of it and cherishing it. It's not that I don't have amazing people in my life today but I also have pushes away even more over the years. Why? I'd like my life enriched by those around me and then myself for who I am as well.
I'm lonely, I'm scared and I don't talk about it with anyone. Not even my partner, family or friends. No one wants to hear your whining and constant depressing shit. So I don't as much as possible. How do I get my life back? Seriously. I know a step is talk therapy but I'm waiting till we settle someplace so I don't have to switch therapists a few months in. That makes therapy harder when you keep starting over. I'm not sure where to go from here. The migraines, bipolar, numbness and tremors always seem to take over or I let them. Dave is SO adventures and a get up and lets have fun kind of guy and then here I come. The mother, worrier or sick. This man loves me like no other and he is so patient with me and what is going on, but I DON'T WANT TO BE ME!! I want to be the me who grabs hold of life and sucks in every moment.
Is this ramble on the slide into manic moments? Possible, but it feels so real, so who knows.