It's getting harder again.
Sometimes it's just so hard for me to be at peace. I can't be happy, I obsess and worry and drive myself crazy trying to find answers to questions that I shouldn't have asked to begin with. Why do I care if Alana texted John for a late-night lift instead of me? She was probably being helpful because she knows I go to bed early on nights before work. Why didn't I know she was going to Philadelphia? Because I haven't seen much of her this week and I haven't asked her what she was up to over the weekend.
I spent a week working out hard, and not being home much, so I haven't been talking to too many people around the house. But I feel like I'm drifting away from them. The old question "How was your day?" doesn't elicit much detail anymore. Are they not volunteering because I make them feel self-conscious? Or am I being too nervous and seem unapproachable now that other things in my life are making me worried and twitchy? Or do I just seem to...obsessive?
Asking these questions again...I feel like I'm making alot of mistakes all at once. But I'm probably not; a laid-back household is what I built, and yet I can't enjoy it because I don't believe in my place in it.
I've been told not to expect the intimacy of before, becoming close to roommates. But maybe I could have encouraged it, fostered it better. I wrote of much of the lack thereof as simple girl-oriented "gab"; women are usually closer, more sharing than men. But with John being texted it put a dent in that I suppose.
Why do I care?
I like this home, this "Dynamic" as Anna put it. She also said "we're like family", which meant alot to me. I need rest from this distraction, this obsession. A balanced life...damn, now I think of Alana's mentioning of it during a conversation and feel like things have changed for the worse, like we don't talk like that anymore. Why do I feel like I've been distancing myself? The initial "getting-to-know-you" period is over, and now we're settling in with each other...perhaps that's it.
But I digress.
Having an integrated life...that's interesting. I need purpose again. A hope, a dream, an objective. My various projects are bogged down. Without a direction to go in I dwell on my social life too much, my roommates, etc. My ego needs a boost.
I spent a week working out hard, and not being home much, so I haven't been talking to too many people around the house. But I feel like I'm drifting away from them. The old question "How was your day?" doesn't elicit much detail anymore. Are they not volunteering because I make them feel self-conscious? Or am I being too nervous and seem unapproachable now that other things in my life are making me worried and twitchy? Or do I just seem to...obsessive?
Asking these questions again...I feel like I'm making alot of mistakes all at once. But I'm probably not; a laid-back household is what I built, and yet I can't enjoy it because I don't believe in my place in it.
I've been told not to expect the intimacy of before, becoming close to roommates. But maybe I could have encouraged it, fostered it better. I wrote of much of the lack thereof as simple girl-oriented "gab"; women are usually closer, more sharing than men. But with John being texted it put a dent in that I suppose.
Why do I care?
I like this home, this "Dynamic" as Anna put it. She also said "we're like family", which meant alot to me. I need rest from this distraction, this obsession. A balanced life...damn, now I think of Alana's mentioning of it during a conversation and feel like things have changed for the worse, like we don't talk like that anymore. Why do I feel like I've been distancing myself? The initial "getting-to-know-you" period is over, and now we're settling in with each other...perhaps that's it.
But I digress.
Having an integrated life...that's interesting. I need purpose again. A hope, a dream, an objective. My various projects are bogged down. Without a direction to go in I dwell on my social life too much, my roommates, etc. My ego needs a boost.