Games People Play: A long story to a short realization.
I've been musing for a time, days really... about what I want to do about my future. I've not come to any grand ideas or anything like that, but I have come to realize that there are parts of what I am doing now that I don't like so much, and in some cases have wanted to walk away from.
Faire, for example, has been a large part of my adult life, since 1986-7 or so, more or less. I've made a lot of friends there over the years, and have lost some friends, too, some through death, some who have wandered off on their own paths, some... eh, does it matter? I really got into costuming because of faire, although like many, Halloween was the real beginning, then jr. high and high school theatre. But if it wasn't for faire, I would not have gotten as deep into my love of costuming and research as I do now.
The SCA is a new path, yet in some ways it is an old path. It has elements of faire and larp, and yet... it beckons with its own shiny trinkets. Come, fight your way to Crown! Or research an art well, and eventually, maybe, you can win the prize of Laurel. We offer Recognition of your hard work...
Which is why the SCA reminds me of the Camarilla, which I once was proudly a hard working member of. The prize that awaited there was Prestige! Points awarded by your superiors for all the hard work you put into making the club a better place. Earn enough prestige and you, too, could play an Elder Vampire, or whatever equivalent was in the other Venues. I earned a lot, as I worked my way to a National level position near the end, and conspired to become an Elder Malkavian, just to dick with my local city's Vampire Poli-ticks.
I walked away from that very high Prestige when I walked away from the Cam. I was able to walk away, because I had walked away from Faire before it. Because I knew it was a Game, and I didn't like the way the Rules of that game had changed at its very core when the Corporation took over. Was it hard? Yes, it was hard, because I worked many long hours on web design, and other work, to gain that Prestige. But could I spend it on anything in the "Real World"? No, I could not, because it was a Game point system. It was harder leaving my friends behind. But I moved on, sorta.
I see that in the SCA. I used to see it in the Renfaire world, except people there are recognized in such haphazzard ways. If you are a Guild Master (GM), and you felt favor to someone, you might get the local Chief or Monarch of an event to recognize that person... maybe with a Knighting ceremony, or elevation in Status. Did it mean something? To the person so elevated, yes it did. To the person acting as Monarch or Chief? Maybe, depending on if they had a system in place to do something with the new-made Knight or Dame or Earl or whatever. You at least get a nice sword/dagger from your friends, and a nifty shiny chain of office.
But if you were a GM did you get elevated? Usually not, simply because you were a GM already... what more did you want? The GM already gets to be Monarch or Chief or Whatever Title they Want, simply because they designed the group concept, and stuck whatever title on themselves as they fancied. Which is why a simple Scottish Ambassador who was a lowly Knight in history, could now become a Duke! Yes, I was a Chief at one point, (what, a woman as Chief??) because as a Scots group we needed a figurehead. I was thankful to have satyr69 become Chief as he enjoyed the role, freeing me to simply be GM.
I was happy to hear that Pat, my GM was finally recognized for her many years of service as Queen, by becoming Damed the one time she got to play her original character of Lady Derby, who is a Countess (confused yet?). I only wish I could have seen it in person. But for 20 years at faire, I've received no recognition, and now most likely never will receive it. Why? Because I think that after my time is done in April for Visalia faire, I will retire once again from faire, to only attend as a paying customer, should I desire to do so. And no, I do not want people to think they have to Dame me, or some such, in April because you are reading this blog. I don't want that, because I understand it differently now.
Why this long discourse on this odd topic? Because I realized it had been bothering me for a long time. The games that are played. The made up "points" that lead to "recognition" for one's work. Whether it is Prestige for Elder status, or Research and the Council of Laurels deciding on bestowing an order to one that is worthy, or Dame at faire for what... entertaining the right person at the right time? As a birthday gift to someone? Because we need a gig to fill time? I realized that it was all chasing of recognition for what I once provided... but am not really a part of. And please understand, I am not dissing those who chose to play the Game, whatever that format is. I am just saying that I don't think it is for me anymore. Yes, I am becoming a Grump.
I am not a part of faire anymore. I looked at the Ren Symposium web site, and saw no classes that interested me as an actor. My own guild will not have a meeting until March or April, which as a former GM is just not good enough when you want to make an event in April an event to remember. There will be no events my Guild will attend between April and October, and no event otherwise that isn't a local event. I am not sure I want to go to Shaver Lake in September, or even Sycamore Island in November, except on a limited basis, which as a paying customer I could enjoy on my terms. I have no desire or energy to become a GM of another guild, and as enjoyable as a few other guilds are to play with, I would have to start from the bottom again in any other guild, and follow their rules, which at this point is not something I want to do.
I am also not a part of the SCA. I am not a card carrying member right now. I don't have the time to make every event that everyone else in this close community is able to attend, which is why they are so close. And I don't have the time or resources to make the various "Downtown" Caid events that would get me to meeting the "right people" or show off the "right stuff" to them. If our latest Knight in our Barony is any indication (we have no Laurels at all to compare to), I will have to spend the next decade heavily pursuing the Dream to attain that recognition. I have not been in the SCA long enough this point to want to do that, not to mention that at this point in the Game, and at my age, with small kids to deal with, I really don't have the energy left to pursue that Dream.
What I do want to do is to pursue that which interests me, which continues to be Costuming and whatever research or fun activity I feel like doing and, yes, sharing, as I desire.
Part of what I realized was really getting to me was the paranoid feeling that I was getting from watching kass_rants's blog on her Catherine of Aragon outfit, which is lovely. I had to ask myself why was I getting paranoid? And I realized that it was the desire to share what I knew, what I had researched on my own, fighting with the desire to keep it to myself, because if *SHE* put that info out there, well then people would think *I* was stealing my ideas from *HER* because she is Kass McGann! and I am no-one of any major name recognition.
OMGWTF???
Yet at the same time I was feeling vindicated that some of my ideas actually was being validated by *her* hard work. Then I realized that I was wanting to keep my ideas to myself because of some odd notion that if I didn't, then I would never be Laurel, because she would get the credit, and people would look at whatever I do later and say that I stole the intellectual property ideas from her, or some other sort of paranoid-in-my-brain-nonsense. Because that's what it was... nonsense.
So, Kass... have fun with the Anne of Brittany hood RECTANGLE idea, ok? Because we all know what an incredible piece of engineering work RECTANGLES are. Yeah, had to get that off my chest. Yeah, told you it was nonsense. But that's the paranoia that was getting to me. Sad, huh.
Ok, where was I? My husband walked in wondering what I was doing still up.
So, direction in my life. Games people play. Walking away from that. Intellectual Property and the pursuit of costuming goodness... right.
So, having declared all that, I can now safely ignore it and stay in the game, right? In faire, probably not as an actor. Been there, did that, have my friend's t-shirt already, and it is getting worn in places. I will be leaving after April most likely. I am sure this will trickle to my guild, so give me this weekend to let Pat know personally (by phone).
In the SCA... to a limited extent I will play. But not in pursuit of the Laurel-goodness so many others have the energy and desire to pursue. You are amazing, those who desire the Peerage so strongly that you do incredible amounts of work to achieve it. I've just come to realize that it is a Game that I no longer want to pursue, and that's ok for *ME*. Because I know the work it takes, having done it in two different game systems before. Maybe if I could combine the points in the three game systems I would have it made. Add in the AD&D XP I've earned since 1978, and I would be Grand PooBah of the Universe!? right...
For me, I just want to have fun with what I enjoy doing, and not feel I have to get the right people and do the right things and do the right sort of poli-ticks, I just want to relax and do what I do, and share what I have to share, and focus on what matters to me.
Ok, now I can sleep.
Faire, for example, has been a large part of my adult life, since 1986-7 or so, more or less. I've made a lot of friends there over the years, and have lost some friends, too, some through death, some who have wandered off on their own paths, some... eh, does it matter? I really got into costuming because of faire, although like many, Halloween was the real beginning, then jr. high and high school theatre. But if it wasn't for faire, I would not have gotten as deep into my love of costuming and research as I do now.
The SCA is a new path, yet in some ways it is an old path. It has elements of faire and larp, and yet... it beckons with its own shiny trinkets. Come, fight your way to Crown! Or research an art well, and eventually, maybe, you can win the prize of Laurel. We offer Recognition of your hard work...
Which is why the SCA reminds me of the Camarilla, which I once was proudly a hard working member of. The prize that awaited there was Prestige! Points awarded by your superiors for all the hard work you put into making the club a better place. Earn enough prestige and you, too, could play an Elder Vampire, or whatever equivalent was in the other Venues. I earned a lot, as I worked my way to a National level position near the end, and conspired to become an Elder Malkavian, just to dick with my local city's Vampire Poli-ticks.
I walked away from that very high Prestige when I walked away from the Cam. I was able to walk away, because I had walked away from Faire before it. Because I knew it was a Game, and I didn't like the way the Rules of that game had changed at its very core when the Corporation took over. Was it hard? Yes, it was hard, because I worked many long hours on web design, and other work, to gain that Prestige. But could I spend it on anything in the "Real World"? No, I could not, because it was a Game point system. It was harder leaving my friends behind. But I moved on, sorta.
I see that in the SCA. I used to see it in the Renfaire world, except people there are recognized in such haphazzard ways. If you are a Guild Master (GM), and you felt favor to someone, you might get the local Chief or Monarch of an event to recognize that person... maybe with a Knighting ceremony, or elevation in Status. Did it mean something? To the person so elevated, yes it did. To the person acting as Monarch or Chief? Maybe, depending on if they had a system in place to do something with the new-made Knight or Dame or Earl or whatever. You at least get a nice sword/dagger from your friends, and a nifty shiny chain of office.
But if you were a GM did you get elevated? Usually not, simply because you were a GM already... what more did you want? The GM already gets to be Monarch or Chief or Whatever Title they Want, simply because they designed the group concept, and stuck whatever title on themselves as they fancied. Which is why a simple Scottish Ambassador who was a lowly Knight in history, could now become a Duke! Yes, I was a Chief at one point, (what, a woman as Chief??) because as a Scots group we needed a figurehead. I was thankful to have satyr69 become Chief as he enjoyed the role, freeing me to simply be GM.
I was happy to hear that Pat, my GM was finally recognized for her many years of service as Queen, by becoming Damed the one time she got to play her original character of Lady Derby, who is a Countess (confused yet?). I only wish I could have seen it in person. But for 20 years at faire, I've received no recognition, and now most likely never will receive it. Why? Because I think that after my time is done in April for Visalia faire, I will retire once again from faire, to only attend as a paying customer, should I desire to do so. And no, I do not want people to think they have to Dame me, or some such, in April because you are reading this blog. I don't want that, because I understand it differently now.
Why this long discourse on this odd topic? Because I realized it had been bothering me for a long time. The games that are played. The made up "points" that lead to "recognition" for one's work. Whether it is Prestige for Elder status, or Research and the Council of Laurels deciding on bestowing an order to one that is worthy, or Dame at faire for what... entertaining the right person at the right time? As a birthday gift to someone? Because we need a gig to fill time? I realized that it was all chasing of recognition for what I once provided... but am not really a part of. And please understand, I am not dissing those who chose to play the Game, whatever that format is. I am just saying that I don't think it is for me anymore. Yes, I am becoming a Grump.
I am not a part of faire anymore. I looked at the Ren Symposium web site, and saw no classes that interested me as an actor. My own guild will not have a meeting until March or April, which as a former GM is just not good enough when you want to make an event in April an event to remember. There will be no events my Guild will attend between April and October, and no event otherwise that isn't a local event. I am not sure I want to go to Shaver Lake in September, or even Sycamore Island in November, except on a limited basis, which as a paying customer I could enjoy on my terms. I have no desire or energy to become a GM of another guild, and as enjoyable as a few other guilds are to play with, I would have to start from the bottom again in any other guild, and follow their rules, which at this point is not something I want to do.
I am also not a part of the SCA. I am not a card carrying member right now. I don't have the time to make every event that everyone else in this close community is able to attend, which is why they are so close. And I don't have the time or resources to make the various "Downtown" Caid events that would get me to meeting the "right people" or show off the "right stuff" to them. If our latest Knight in our Barony is any indication (we have no Laurels at all to compare to), I will have to spend the next decade heavily pursuing the Dream to attain that recognition. I have not been in the SCA long enough this point to want to do that, not to mention that at this point in the Game, and at my age, with small kids to deal with, I really don't have the energy left to pursue that Dream.
What I do want to do is to pursue that which interests me, which continues to be Costuming and whatever research or fun activity I feel like doing and, yes, sharing, as I desire.
Part of what I realized was really getting to me was the paranoid feeling that I was getting from watching kass_rants's blog on her Catherine of Aragon outfit, which is lovely. I had to ask myself why was I getting paranoid? And I realized that it was the desire to share what I knew, what I had researched on my own, fighting with the desire to keep it to myself, because if *SHE* put that info out there, well then people would think *I* was stealing my ideas from *HER* because she is Kass McGann! and I am no-one of any major name recognition.
OMGWTF???
Yet at the same time I was feeling vindicated that some of my ideas actually was being validated by *her* hard work. Then I realized that I was wanting to keep my ideas to myself because of some odd notion that if I didn't, then I would never be Laurel, because she would get the credit, and people would look at whatever I do later and say that I stole the intellectual property ideas from her, or some other sort of paranoid-in-my-brain-nonsense. Because that's what it was... nonsense.
So, Kass... have fun with the Anne of Brittany hood RECTANGLE idea, ok? Because we all know what an incredible piece of engineering work RECTANGLES are. Yeah, had to get that off my chest. Yeah, told you it was nonsense. But that's the paranoia that was getting to me. Sad, huh.
Ok, where was I? My husband walked in wondering what I was doing still up.
So, direction in my life. Games people play. Walking away from that. Intellectual Property and the pursuit of costuming goodness... right.
So, having declared all that, I can now safely ignore it and stay in the game, right? In faire, probably not as an actor. Been there, did that, have my friend's t-shirt already, and it is getting worn in places. I will be leaving after April most likely. I am sure this will trickle to my guild, so give me this weekend to let Pat know personally (by phone).
In the SCA... to a limited extent I will play. But not in pursuit of the Laurel-goodness so many others have the energy and desire to pursue. You are amazing, those who desire the Peerage so strongly that you do incredible amounts of work to achieve it. I've just come to realize that it is a Game that I no longer want to pursue, and that's ok for *ME*. Because I know the work it takes, having done it in two different game systems before. Maybe if I could combine the points in the three game systems I would have it made. Add in the AD&D XP I've earned since 1978, and I would be Grand PooBah of the Universe!? right...
For me, I just want to have fun with what I enjoy doing, and not feel I have to get the right people and do the right things and do the right sort of poli-ticks, I just want to relax and do what I do, and share what I have to share, and focus on what matters to me.
Ok, now I can sleep.