(A man with a white beard and flowing white robes, clearly the Christian God, sits at a computer, sipping at a bottle of alcohol. His awkward motions and slurred speech imply that he is particularly drunk. He appears to be browsing youtube)

God: (squinting at the screen) Oh now THIS one... This one looks interesting! (He mis-ckicks at least once ( Read more... )

Man: "Don't worry. There's a foot and a half brick wall between us and them, there's no way that the zombies can get in here."

(Zombie Kool-Aid man smashes through the wall, causing bricks to explode everywhere)

Zombie Kool-Aid Man: "Ohhhh BRAINS!!!!"

Man: "Well, shit."

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Man: Officer, look... I know that I was speeding, and I totally deserve to be ticketed for that - I'm not trying to get out of it. But before you write it up, I just have one thing that I really want to say.
Officer: (clearly only vaguely interested) I'm listening.
Man: Up, up, down, down, left, right, ( Read more... )

PANEL ONE - a man and a woman in an office setting are speaking.

Man: I just met the new H. R. guy. I don't know how to say it, but he looks... weird? SUPER Weird.

Woman: You can't say things like that. I think he's Samoan. Saying that he looks weird is being racist.

PANEL TWO - Continuation of the man and the woman talking.

Man: I... don't ( Read more... )

Man: Analogies are like people - none of them are perfect.
Old Woman: Jesus was perfect!
Man: You're wrong - Jesus is a fictionalized interpretation of a historical figure who was just as flawed as the rest of us, lady. NOBODY is perfect, and your argument is invalid ( Read more... )

"We are all saviors. For who among us has not found themselves nailed to a cross of someone else's sin? And who among us has not died, at least a little on the inside, so that someone else might find forgiveness? So go on, pray to Jesus - yes! But do not forget to pray also to your brothers and sisters. Do not forget to pray also to those who came ( Read more... )

Doctor: (Holding a transparent print of an X-ray) Well, the bad news is that it looks as if you have a mild case of cranial spiders.
Patient: Wait, What?!
Doctor: (placatingly) Oh don't worry. It's not as bad as it sounds. It just means that you have tiny spiders living in your cranium.
Patient: ...
Patient: (Yelling) I'm pretty sure that is ( Read more... )

A group of three people in their early to mid twenties, clearly friends, huddle around a table at a coffee shop. Clearly they've been conversing for a while, but only recently has the conversation switched to the topic of their friend Clive.

Man: I just don't know about Clive sometimes...
Woman1: What do you mean, what's not to like about Clive?
( Read more... )

Man: (In an incredibly smooth voice) One last question: Do I make you (dramatic pause) Horny?
Woman: ...what?!
Man: Do I fill you with the desire to (dramatic pause) engage in sexual activities?
Woman: ...no. (said almost as if it's a question, in order to imply "are you serious?")
Man: Good! Excellent! We need someone with that level of... ( Read more... )

News reporter: (is handed a piece of paper) This just in. (begins reading the sheet of paper) Ha ha. Made you say "this just in". (looks back up at the camera) More on this as the situation develops. Back to you, Carol.