[Fanfiction - The GazettE] Whispers of Children [9/?]
Title: Whispers of Children
Author:
sorrowofanangel
Chapter: 9 of ?
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, 1st Person narrative
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Reita x Aoi/ Aoi x Reita (main) | Kai x Uruha/ Uruha x Kai | Reita x Kai (one-sided)
WARNING: Angst, schizophrenia, strong language
Rating: R
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own the GazettE. If I did, I would have probably married Kai by now ♥(´∀｀)♡
Synopsis: "I moved away to escape my past. Foolishly I believed a new start would help me forget. Help me move on. What I hadn't realised... was that it will follow you wherever you go. No one can know about my past. No one. And that includes Yuu..."
Chapter Summary: Akira's anger reaches breaking point and a shocking revelation comes to the surface.
Notes: Hey, I managed to keep to my own deadline! I hope the month wait was worth it. Please enjoy~ <3
Music: 千鶴 (Chizuru), 体温 (Taion) TRACES Ver. ~ The GazettE
Previous Chapters: (Prologue) | (Chapter One) | (Chapter Two) | (Chapter Three) | (Chapter Four) | (Chapter Five) | (Chapter Six) | (Chapter Seven) | (Chapter Eight Part A) | (Chapter Eight Part B)
*
My life was blending into a blur. I felt sick, unsteady... falling into a place I could never recover.
I was losing...
I am losing.
Kai...
My breath hitches and another droplet of tears - out of a stream that appeared endless - thuds alongside the rest against the rug on the floor beneath me. After hours of crying, hours of letting the world fade around me, I focused on nothing but what I'd lost. Replaying Kai leaving over and over in my mind and punishing myself over what I should have done differently.
My surroundings were blurred; only half-conscious to the shy presence that stood watching me from a few feet away,
"Go home Yuu," I managed to mumble, reality breaching at last; my voice cracked and hoarse from the screams and incessant cries.
Not like any of them did any good.
He didn't move a muscle. Nor did I. The only fraction of movement I had left in my tired, frail body was the pair of hands shaking between my knees; and even that was taking all my energy to suppress,
"Go home," I repeated, words empty... and soulless, "There's no place for you here."
I didn't take my eyes off the floor. I didn't dare myself to look up. Not at Yuu, not into the sunlight beaming through the curtains... not at anything that was living and breathing nor bearing any resemblance of sheer happiness.
I want to die,
"But..." Yuu's timid voice spoke in a low volume, "... I'd rather stay."
"What for?" I hiss bitterly, unable to help myself, "So you can add more problems to my life?"
"N-No," Yuu stammers, and by some brave miracle, he even comes to perch on the arm of the sofa to my right, "I... I just thought that I could help."
I scoffed, rubbing my running nose on my sleeve with a wry smile. I didn't even bother to wonder why he had suddenly become so confident; no longer the shy, timid teenager that wouldn't dare lay a finger on my house with his smallest toe the first time he came here,
"It's too late for that, Yuu," I murmured, "It's over. The one person in my life; the one that made my life worth living... is gone,"
Then, under my breath, "Uruha's won."
To my surprise, Yuu's curiosity gets the better of him, "Why?"
"You wouldn't understand," I tell him, too numb to even try and explain this entire mess, "My personal life is of no concern to you."
I hear Yuu take a nervous breath, "But... it's okay for mine to be a concern of yours?"
I flinched, his arrogant words striking a chord with me. Perhaps I should have had the energy to justify why it was that I had focused all my energy on getting to the bottom of Yuu and his strange infatuation with that cry for help he'd left on my doorstep. But right now, I didn't have the courtesy to continue that chase. In fact, it was irrelevant,
"Not anymore," I confessed, my eyes welling up as I thought of the one man who deserves my concern right now, "Whatever situation you've gotten yourself into is your business. I don't care -"
"- But I thought you said -?"
"- I don't... care."
Yuu fell silent, a state I would have otherwise been blissfully grateful for. Yet, the more he sits there, rigid and unmoving, waiting for the opportunity to say something else, or to scour his mind for the right words to tell me, I knew none would come. His presence was suffocating me slowly, and I had to squeeze my fists together hard to prevent myself from hitting something,
"Just get out, Yuu," I almost whispered, "I will not ask you again."
Still, Yuu stays still as stone, and I hear the small intake of breath come almost immediately,
"But... I just thought I'd -"
"- What?" I snapped, snatching myself up from the sofa to stand up and stare him dead in the eyes, the confident and inquisitive demeanour Yuu had portrayed just moments ago evaporating into the air the moment I stood up; shock and trickles of fear now making up the expression on his face.
Look at him. Standing there snivelling and cowering like a damn frail animal in the wild. It drove me insane. What the fuck could a seventeen year old know about anything wrong in life?
"You thought what?" I challenge again, watching Yuu awkwardly slide off the arm of the sofa and back away cautiously; his eyes wandering everywhere else to avoid eye contact, "Oh! Oh! That you could comfort me? That you could put your arm around me and say, 'there there Akira, it'll be alright' because what the fuck could you possibly know about anything!"
Yuu takes my anger like a spear; flinching and grimacing like every word was a small nick to the skin. He doesn't react. He doesn't move. He just lets me unload.
But that's not good enough,
"Why the fuck won't you look at me?" I growl, annoyance brimming and driving the veins in my arms and neck to stand on display, "Again I have let you invade my life Yuu. AGAIN. I - I just... God!!"
I can't help but growl in frustration and circle the room on helpless and trembling legs. I was being swallowed up by my own anger, I was completely aware of that. I've been there; I've experienced this before.
But on this scale? At this place and time, I was a raging storm and there was nothing - and no-one - that would be able to stop me.
I can't even take a deep breath to calm down; rationality far beyond my reach and I continue to let Yuu suffer in my presence. He flinches and quivers every time I turn to his direction or open my mouth for something to say.
For the first time, I was at a loss as for where to even start,
"Why is it..." I began, "That you always turn up at the exact moment that everything in my life is falling to pieces, huh?" My eyes, sore and swimming with stubborn tears, scroll to his own still attached to his feet, "You expect that I will drop everything for you. You expect me to help you in whatever stupid situation you've gotten yourself into next like it's on a damn psychotic loop -"
"N-No," Yuu startled, his voice the impression of sheer panic, "No, no, Akira... it's not like that -"
I could tear my hair out as he finally looks in my direction; doe's eyes in the face of oncoming traffic. The very way he was trembling and spluttering like he was the victim sends my temper soaring and I could have kicked him to a pulp,
"- What is it like then, Yuu?" I demand, my fists clenched so tight they hurt, "You can't deny me, can you? Ever since I moved to this damn town, you've been a fucking suffocation to me."
"Akira..." Yuu begs, "Please..."
"- You... show up like the slivering, pathetic little worm that you are and I have to listen to you... cry to me every damn time about that fucking note. On my fucking doorstep." My words were running thin of anger now, though still, I could feel myself speaking spitefully, cutting through Yuu's words like they were never uttered in the first place.
Why it was, that at the worst times of my life, he managed to filter his way through. He was always here when something was going wrong with my life. Or watching me in the shadows when...
I swallowed.
When Kai and I were at our best.
"I... I can't..." I whispered, gasping for air. Kai... last night... Uruha... the accident... my love... his hate...
Help.
I need help.
Yuu was talking to me, begging even; but I couldn't hear him, he was drowning somewhere in the distance.
As was I.
Where is it?
I turn on my heel, wiping my face and nose messily with the back of my sleeve as I stalk towards the mantelpiece,
"Please..." Yuu's voice at last, "Please... Akira..."
"Ah, here it is -" I ignored, snatching the scrap of paper from the bowl I'd stuffed it into and storming over to ram it into Yuu's hands before I catch wind of what I'm doing,
"There," I sniff, feeling the clammy dampness of sweat on Yuu's palms as I hold the note in place, "Why don't you take it, Yuu? Why don't you take your Goddamn note and do what it says, huh?!"
I couldn't stay on the same foot, switching from one to the other like a boxer in a ring, circling my prey and ready to fight,
"You wanted to help, didn't you Yuu?" I mocked him, a small pit of pride settling in my stomach as Yuu struggled to release his hands from mine, "Well, here. Do what it says Yuu," I leer towards his face, invading his proximity like I was not welcomed.
I wasn't. I saw the tears match my own and yet, despite the amount of times I had tried to help him in the past, I was done. I was ready to watch him suffer as I had - to take the blame for this.
It's his fault, a voice was telling me, It's his fault Kai left.
"Help me, Yuu," I whispered, Yuu's tiny and desperate gasps for air billowing against my cheeks,
"Go on," I murmur, fists clenched at my sides as I continue unfazed. Like a madman, sure, but what other morals could I possibly have left?
Yuu flinches as I grab his hands tighter and shake them, "Do what it says and FUCKING HELP ME!!"
Before I know what I'm doing, Yuu's screaming at the top of his lungs. Within seconds he lands on the floor towards the dining table, knocking the chairs to the floor and covering his head with his arms in defence as they fell all around him,
"Don't hurt me!" He cries, palms shaking as he holds them out to me, trying desperately to scramble to his feet as though I was armed with a deadly weapon, "Please, Akira, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!! I can't fix this for you, please!"
Oxygen struggles its way inside me as my chest rattles. My hands are trembling and I hardly notice the small scratches now etched along my fingers; thin lines of blood seeping to the surface of my skin.
Akira... hide!
"SHUT UP!" I screamed, my own bloodied hands tangling in my hair, squeezing my skull as my head burned with hate; giggles and whispers booming in volume and then fading into the background as soon as they had arrived,
"Please... just go away..." I whispered, only echoes now... slowly fading away, "Leave me alone... I can't... I can't do this on my own. Please..."
I stay there for just a moment; unmoving; too tired to fight in case they come back. I can't let them take over... I can't...
After a long and unsettling silence, I open my eyes to find I'm in my living room and Yuu is still here - standing yards away from me, staring in what could only be described as sheer horror.
My mouth is dry and hoarse, exhausted with emotion. Disorientated and encompassed in anger, I find my words come out in spits, my own voice non-recognisable as I shake uncontrollably,
"I told you... to get out of my sight," I ordered darkly, "I never want to see your face again."
Only a second did Yuu remain where he was, but it was a second too long as I watched his lips scrunch together in a tight line, forcing the sobs back into his throat,
"I said get out!" Screaming at him, I had no sympathy as he startles into motion and rushes his way to my living room door, "Get out or I will kill you!"
I did not follow; only hearing the clumsy thuds of Yuu's terrified footsteps find their way to my front door. Even when the door had slammed closed and the house was distilled in silence again, I felt nothing. No relief, no joy, no gratefulness for the peace.
There was only suffering. My heart bleeding in a waterfall of torment.
What have I done?
I fell against the door, the forgotten tears catching up to me as I sink to my knees and land gently on the floor. I sob and grieve, hitting the door with my naked fist as I scream to something up above to make everything right again,
"Kai... please come back," I cried, "Please... sweetheart I need you... Come back to me... Come back."
Oh God, I need him. He can't be gone... he can't be.
Despair consumes me and I sob hard into the floorboards, even after no more tears would come. Weak and trembling, I finally lift my head, eyelids sore and red,
"I have to see you," I whisper.
Yes...
"I have to see him."
*
The hospital was bleaker than I remembered. The corridors themselves were monochrome, simply black and white to the exception of the odd saturated colour of green or blue uniforms belonging to staff. Nothing about this place was living, or hopeful, and I decided that it was the perfect place for me right now.
The forty-five minute drive over here had given me a chance to calm down after my downward spiral inside my own house a mere hour ago. At every red traffic light, I recalled my actions and my words; every outpour of anger that I had fired in Yuu's direction. At the time, I didn't care what I said or who I said them to; I was angry with the world and I'd wanted, in that moment, for everyone in my way to burn along with me.
Yuu would probably never forgive me for that - but I had a new focus now. One that snapped me out of my grievances and pushed my determination to the forefront.
That was what was driving my feet forward now; set in only one direction, a vignette hollowing my vision as nurses and porters pushing empty stretchers passed me by. Not one of them asked me if I needed help, not even the receptionist, which was exactly what I wanted. No one distracting me... and nothing stopping me.
The door to Uruha's room sits coldly underneath a blinking black light and I enter it swiftly, without hesitation, pausing only to pray that Kai wouldn't be there first.
The metal chair pulled up to Uruha's bedside was empty at least, so if he was here, at least I had a moment alone.
With him.
I close the heavy metal door behind me quietly and have to take a moment to brace myself before I turn to study Uruha's meek existence properly.
He's different. So different. His once milky skin at least two shades paler, made almost sickly in the dim hospital lighting above his bed. His once auburn hair was left to grow dark at the roots and unkempt with week-old knots and curls. Even the very way he was lying on the bed, arms and legs in parallel stiffness to each other, made his whole demeanour so uncomfortable. He had become the personification of illness itself, and though my hatred of him ran deep, in no way did I ever envision a man of his success to be stripped down to this astonishing level of nothingness.
I take a stiff step forward and scan the skinny, skeletal form of his body. Etching a finger along his exposed shin beneath the hospital gown, I noticed he was unnaturally naked. Gone were the casts and the wires leading to beeping machines. Uruha's bruises were fading and his bones were mending.
But Kai? No. That was something that couldn't be mended.
I retracted my hand; my legs rigid in place as I did nothing but watch him breathe in a steady pattern. The dates and times of his last hourly observations by the nurses were handwritten on a whiteboard above his bed and I felt my stomach squeeze. Here he is, lying perfectly still and serene. Untouched by the outside world.
Safe...
"So..." A croaky voice withered to life before me, "Come to gloat, have you?"
I try not to let him see that his sudden consciousness had startled me and I force myself closer, every step more confident than the last,
"Come now Uruha," I almost hissed, though took all of my energy to suppress my voice into a forced tone of calm, "Surely you know me better than that."
From his place on the bed, Uruha scoffed.
I take caution to acknowledge that this is the first time Uruha and myself had exchanged words since the accident. I could barely recall what my last words were to him beforehand, or gather the decency to appreciate that they might have been my last.
Had things been different,
"Where's Kai?" I asked, my first and only point of priority,
"Out." Uruha croaked,
"Out where?"
"Out."
I bit my tongue and narrowed my eyes, something in the way he was speaking... it wasn't right,
"Will he be back anytime soon?"
Uruha scoffed, "Why? Wanted to sweep in and console him in case I'd died, did you?"
I take a careful step forward, " I wouldn't do that."
"No," Uruha muttered; his voice littered in sarcasm, "Of course you wouldn't. What would I know, right?"
I reached his side and leaned over him, my fists carefully landing either side of his head and gripping the bed's metal rails. I watched the veins in his neck pulsate a little faster... then the ones in my own knuckles.
I could do it if I wanted to.
But I don't,
"Yeah..." I began, fixing my eyes firmly on his own; sunken with haggardness and dark circles, "What would you know? In fact, do you know anything anymore?"
"Ugh..." Uruha huffs, running a hand over his face as I hesitantly pull away and stand rigidly once more at his side, "Not you as well."
My eyes narrowed, though let him continue,
"Everybody in this fucking place won't let up about how different I am," Uruha grumbled, his voice low and hoarse; not so full of life and well-spoken as I had known him, "So what if I am? Some idiot crashes into my car and yet everyone's main concern is my personality transplant -"
"- You've hurt Kai," I cut him off, sternly and with malice, "What about how different you are to him?"
"Fuck being different," Uruha meets my stare through half-lidded eyes, "We both know my health and well-being is not why you're really here."
Even now, throughout all the hell he's been through, he still had the audacity to look at me smugly. Like he'd won me over at the same game in a thousand matches. He was content that he was better than me, that he had obtained what I wanted.
I knew I wasn't imagining it, and I dipped my head low to whisper,
"You better watch yourself," I snarled, "You know better than to push me."
"Is that a threat?" Uruha spat back and I pull away after some self will, "Akira, we've known each other for a long time. I know the games you play inside out."
"So you do remember," My eyebrows lift, "I always knew you were never good enough for Kai, Uruha. But this 'personality transplant' of yours is rubbing off the wrong way."
Uruha smirked wryly at my remark, when before he would have shrugged it off or walked away.
Kai had been right; he truly has changed,
"You know, I always put up with you because Kai asked me to," Uruha said defiantly, "I bet you've enjoyed me being stuck in here, having Kai all to yourself and acting like I'm the bad guy."
"It wasn't my observation to make." I hissed through gritted teeth; recalling how most of my reformed opinion of Uruha came from Kai's lips and Kai's lips alone,
"Don't play stupid," Uruha continued, with a seething menace that ran deep, "I have a sneaking suspicion you're using me to get inside his head," His eyes glinted, "And I will not hesitate to ruin you."
Even though Uruha had always known my feelings for Kai, not once had he made a threat against me for it. If anything, he probably found me a challenge. A reason to try harder for Kai's love and affection,
"I've never used him," I retorted, my eyes aching with soreness and yet I still manage to send a stare deep into his own, "He means the world to me. And I think you'll recall that on the first night we met, I made a promise to Kai that I would kill you if you ever hurt him."
Uruha chuckles lowly, transcending into a rancid and heavy cough, "So it's true," He gasps, "That's why you're really here, is it?"
"Keep pushing me and you'll find out," I remark, coldly, "You are the reason for causing all of his pain. Not me. You're right. Kai has been with me the last couple of weeks. With me. Crying and torturing himself over the likes of you."
"Well that must have made your fucking Christmas," Uruha's voice was riddled with sarcasm, "He came running into your arms for the first time since I came along, hm? Well I hope you enjoyed it," He raised his head and smirked coldly,
"Because it is the last time I will ever let him near you again."
"You son of a bitch -" I started, but Uruha's hands had grabbed the emergency call button quicker than I could get my hands on him. Breathing heavily, I watched as he held the button like the timer of a bomb, wagging his finger in my direction and tutting like I was a disruptive child,
"Watch yourself, Akira," Uruha smiled, "You know better than me how this will look. The schizophrenic breaks into the boyfriend's hospital room in the dead of night. They exchange words. The schizophrenic gets jealous and kills the boyfriend in an instant. Kai would never forgive you. And the police will lock you up for good this time -"
"Shut up," I growled, "Your emotional abuse may have a hold on Kai but it sure as hell won't work on me. I've seen you and I know you. Kai has told me everything."
Uruha's face falls,
"And in time he will know you for the monster that you truly are."
I turn to leave, already calmed long enough to know that me being here wasn't the best idea I'd had in a long time. Yes, I wanted to wring the life out of his neck and say goodbye to him being in my life forever. But I'm not a killer, I need to be strong for myself. For Kai.
Aki... help me...
"The monster that I am?" Uruha's voice came sharp in the humid air, stopping me in my tracks, "Oh no. Akira, we both know who the monster truly is."
I turn back towards him, standing as tall as I can muster, not letting him back me into a corner as I fear he may try,
"Tell me," Uruha goes on, unfazed as he places the call button safely back on his bedside cabinet; next to a heart monitor that was beating far too calmly for my liking, "What did it feel like?"
"What did it feel like to what?" I asked, as Uruha clasps his hands at his stomach and regards me with opaque curiosity,
"What did it feel like to want to kill me?" His eyes glint and I feel the strong shiver of goosebumps sweep the back of my neck.
Hesitantly, I raise my head confidently, "I don't know what you mean."
"Oh I think you do," Uruha challenges, once again looking at me like he owned me, "We both know. Kai may have convinced you that moving to this town and setting up home in the suburbs would let you have a new lease of life, but don't think the rest of the nation has ever forgotten what happened before that."
"- You don't know what you're talking about," I snapped, Uruha treading on very thin water and my patience was weakening, "I moved away for a fresh start, for the good of my career, for my health -"
"Your health?" Uruha coughed again, "How many book sales of yours have dipped Akira? What good have you actually done since you got here?"
"I was here for Kai when you decided to almost kill yourself!" I clench my fists tightly, "I was there for him when you decided to ruin his life. When he needed me the most!"
I didn't know what on earth me coming here tonight would have ever achieved. I was angry, I was upset. When I'd left my house tonight, I'd wanted to scream at Uruha until he admitted what he had done to Kai. I wanted to throttle him for answers when he probably had none for his actions. If anything, I should have stayed at home and wallowed in my misery like I was so good at doing. I should have waited for Kai's phone call, I should have waited for his knock on my door.
I have to get out of here...
"Tell me you're not a murderer, Akira," Uruha called after me, just as my hand lands against the door handle, "I dare you!"
My chest constricts at the venom in his words and I couldn't answer him back as the room blurs into shapes of discolouring before me. Voices return in my head and I feel myself wearing down to the shrill cries of their menacing laughter.
Stop it...
"Stop it Uruha," I splutter, my lungs gasping for air, "You don't know what you're saying!"
Aki, come find me!!
I released a frustrated growl and kicked the metal panels of the door with all the force I had. Whirling around, I could see Uruha glaring at me with maddening insolence and I wanted to squeeze him for every last breath,
"I know you did it," Uruha sat up, even as I stalked back towards him, snatching his wrists and holding him down in place, "I know who you really are, Akira."
The veins in his neck pulsated wildly underneath me, the sharp sting of his overgrown fingernails burying deep into the edges of the back of my palm as he tries to fight me back with what little strength he has.
I could do it if I wanted to.
All this pain he's brought upon Kai. We would be together if it wasn't for him. If he had never been here... Kai and I could have...
I could do it...
I could kill him.
*
A/N: I feel like I could have done better than this right now. But it's hard getting back into writing when you've been gone for years, hm? *scratches head* I hope you enjoyed as always lovelies! Let the shocking revelations continue!! *huehuehue*
Author:
sorrowofanangel
Chapter: 9 of ?
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, 1st Person narrative
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Reita x Aoi/ Aoi x Reita (main) | Kai x Uruha/ Uruha x Kai | Reita x Kai (one-sided)
WARNING: Angst, schizophrenia, strong language
Rating: R
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own the GazettE. If I did, I would have probably married Kai by now ♥(´∀｀)♡
Synopsis: "I moved away to escape my past. Foolishly I believed a new start would help me forget. Help me move on. What I hadn't realised... was that it will follow you wherever you go. No one can know about my past. No one. And that includes Yuu..."
Chapter Summary: Akira's anger reaches breaking point and a shocking revelation comes to the surface.
Notes: Hey, I managed to keep to my own deadline! I hope the month wait was worth it. Please enjoy~ <3
Music: 千鶴 (Chizuru), 体温 (Taion) TRACES Ver. ~ The GazettE
Previous Chapters: (Prologue) | (Chapter One) | (Chapter Two) | (Chapter Three) | (Chapter Four) | (Chapter Five) | (Chapter Six) | (Chapter Seven) | (Chapter Eight Part A) | (Chapter Eight Part B)
*
My life was blending into a blur. I felt sick, unsteady... falling into a place I could never recover.
I was losing...
I am losing.
Kai...
My breath hitches and another droplet of tears - out of a stream that appeared endless - thuds alongside the rest against the rug on the floor beneath me. After hours of crying, hours of letting the world fade around me, I focused on nothing but what I'd lost. Replaying Kai leaving over and over in my mind and punishing myself over what I should have done differently.
My surroundings were blurred; only half-conscious to the shy presence that stood watching me from a few feet away,
"Go home Yuu," I managed to mumble, reality breaching at last; my voice cracked and hoarse from the screams and incessant cries.
Not like any of them did any good.
He didn't move a muscle. Nor did I. The only fraction of movement I had left in my tired, frail body was the pair of hands shaking between my knees; and even that was taking all my energy to suppress,
"Go home," I repeated, words empty... and soulless, "There's no place for you here."
I didn't take my eyes off the floor. I didn't dare myself to look up. Not at Yuu, not into the sunlight beaming through the curtains... not at anything that was living and breathing nor bearing any resemblance of sheer happiness.
I want to die,
"But..." Yuu's timid voice spoke in a low volume, "... I'd rather stay."
"What for?" I hiss bitterly, unable to help myself, "So you can add more problems to my life?"
"N-No," Yuu stammers, and by some brave miracle, he even comes to perch on the arm of the sofa to my right, "I... I just thought that I could help."
I scoffed, rubbing my running nose on my sleeve with a wry smile. I didn't even bother to wonder why he had suddenly become so confident; no longer the shy, timid teenager that wouldn't dare lay a finger on my house with his smallest toe the first time he came here,
"It's too late for that, Yuu," I murmured, "It's over. The one person in my life; the one that made my life worth living... is gone,"
Then, under my breath, "Uruha's won."
To my surprise, Yuu's curiosity gets the better of him, "Why?"
"You wouldn't understand," I tell him, too numb to even try and explain this entire mess, "My personal life is of no concern to you."
I hear Yuu take a nervous breath, "But... it's okay for mine to be a concern of yours?"
I flinched, his arrogant words striking a chord with me. Perhaps I should have had the energy to justify why it was that I had focused all my energy on getting to the bottom of Yuu and his strange infatuation with that cry for help he'd left on my doorstep. But right now, I didn't have the courtesy to continue that chase. In fact, it was irrelevant,
"Not anymore," I confessed, my eyes welling up as I thought of the one man who deserves my concern right now, "Whatever situation you've gotten yourself into is your business. I don't care -"
"- But I thought you said -?"
"- I don't... care."
Yuu fell silent, a state I would have otherwise been blissfully grateful for. Yet, the more he sits there, rigid and unmoving, waiting for the opportunity to say something else, or to scour his mind for the right words to tell me, I knew none would come. His presence was suffocating me slowly, and I had to squeeze my fists together hard to prevent myself from hitting something,
"Just get out, Yuu," I almost whispered, "I will not ask you again."
Still, Yuu stays still as stone, and I hear the small intake of breath come almost immediately,
"But... I just thought I'd -"
"- What?" I snapped, snatching myself up from the sofa to stand up and stare him dead in the eyes, the confident and inquisitive demeanour Yuu had portrayed just moments ago evaporating into the air the moment I stood up; shock and trickles of fear now making up the expression on his face.
Look at him. Standing there snivelling and cowering like a damn frail animal in the wild. It drove me insane. What the fuck could a seventeen year old know about anything wrong in life?
"You thought what?" I challenge again, watching Yuu awkwardly slide off the arm of the sofa and back away cautiously; his eyes wandering everywhere else to avoid eye contact, "Oh! Oh! That you could comfort me? That you could put your arm around me and say, 'there there Akira, it'll be alright' because what the fuck could you possibly know about anything!"
Yuu takes my anger like a spear; flinching and grimacing like every word was a small nick to the skin. He doesn't react. He doesn't move. He just lets me unload.
But that's not good enough,
"Why the fuck won't you look at me?" I growl, annoyance brimming and driving the veins in my arms and neck to stand on display, "Again I have let you invade my life Yuu. AGAIN. I - I just... God!!"
I can't help but growl in frustration and circle the room on helpless and trembling legs. I was being swallowed up by my own anger, I was completely aware of that. I've been there; I've experienced this before.
But on this scale? At this place and time, I was a raging storm and there was nothing - and no-one - that would be able to stop me.
I can't even take a deep breath to calm down; rationality far beyond my reach and I continue to let Yuu suffer in my presence. He flinches and quivers every time I turn to his direction or open my mouth for something to say.
For the first time, I was at a loss as for where to even start,
"Why is it..." I began, "That you always turn up at the exact moment that everything in my life is falling to pieces, huh?" My eyes, sore and swimming with stubborn tears, scroll to his own still attached to his feet, "You expect that I will drop everything for you. You expect me to help you in whatever stupid situation you've gotten yourself into next like it's on a damn psychotic loop -"
"N-No," Yuu startled, his voice the impression of sheer panic, "No, no, Akira... it's not like that -"
I could tear my hair out as he finally looks in my direction; doe's eyes in the face of oncoming traffic. The very way he was trembling and spluttering like he was the victim sends my temper soaring and I could have kicked him to a pulp,
"- What is it like then, Yuu?" I demand, my fists clenched so tight they hurt, "You can't deny me, can you? Ever since I moved to this damn town, you've been a fucking suffocation to me."
"Akira..." Yuu begs, "Please..."
"- You... show up like the slivering, pathetic little worm that you are and I have to listen to you... cry to me every damn time about that fucking note. On my fucking doorstep." My words were running thin of anger now, though still, I could feel myself speaking spitefully, cutting through Yuu's words like they were never uttered in the first place.
Why it was, that at the worst times of my life, he managed to filter his way through. He was always here when something was going wrong with my life. Or watching me in the shadows when...
I swallowed.
When Kai and I were at our best.
"I... I can't..." I whispered, gasping for air. Kai... last night... Uruha... the accident... my love... his hate...
Help.
I need help.
Yuu was talking to me, begging even; but I couldn't hear him, he was drowning somewhere in the distance.
As was I.
Where is it?
I turn on my heel, wiping my face and nose messily with the back of my sleeve as I stalk towards the mantelpiece,
"Please..." Yuu's voice at last, "Please... Akira..."
"Ah, here it is -" I ignored, snatching the scrap of paper from the bowl I'd stuffed it into and storming over to ram it into Yuu's hands before I catch wind of what I'm doing,
"There," I sniff, feeling the clammy dampness of sweat on Yuu's palms as I hold the note in place, "Why don't you take it, Yuu? Why don't you take your Goddamn note and do what it says, huh?!"
I couldn't stay on the same foot, switching from one to the other like a boxer in a ring, circling my prey and ready to fight,
"You wanted to help, didn't you Yuu?" I mocked him, a small pit of pride settling in my stomach as Yuu struggled to release his hands from mine, "Well, here. Do what it says Yuu," I leer towards his face, invading his proximity like I was not welcomed.
I wasn't. I saw the tears match my own and yet, despite the amount of times I had tried to help him in the past, I was done. I was ready to watch him suffer as I had - to take the blame for this.
It's his fault, a voice was telling me, It's his fault Kai left.
"Help me, Yuu," I whispered, Yuu's tiny and desperate gasps for air billowing against my cheeks,
"Go on," I murmur, fists clenched at my sides as I continue unfazed. Like a madman, sure, but what other morals could I possibly have left?
Yuu flinches as I grab his hands tighter and shake them, "Do what it says and FUCKING HELP ME!!"
Before I know what I'm doing, Yuu's screaming at the top of his lungs. Within seconds he lands on the floor towards the dining table, knocking the chairs to the floor and covering his head with his arms in defence as they fell all around him,
"Don't hurt me!" He cries, palms shaking as he holds them out to me, trying desperately to scramble to his feet as though I was armed with a deadly weapon, "Please, Akira, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!! I can't fix this for you, please!"
Oxygen struggles its way inside me as my chest rattles. My hands are trembling and I hardly notice the small scratches now etched along my fingers; thin lines of blood seeping to the surface of my skin.
Akira... hide!
"SHUT UP!" I screamed, my own bloodied hands tangling in my hair, squeezing my skull as my head burned with hate; giggles and whispers booming in volume and then fading into the background as soon as they had arrived,
"Please... just go away..." I whispered, only echoes now... slowly fading away, "Leave me alone... I can't... I can't do this on my own. Please..."
I stay there for just a moment; unmoving; too tired to fight in case they come back. I can't let them take over... I can't...
After a long and unsettling silence, I open my eyes to find I'm in my living room and Yuu is still here - standing yards away from me, staring in what could only be described as sheer horror.
My mouth is dry and hoarse, exhausted with emotion. Disorientated and encompassed in anger, I find my words come out in spits, my own voice non-recognisable as I shake uncontrollably,
"I told you... to get out of my sight," I ordered darkly, "I never want to see your face again."
Only a second did Yuu remain where he was, but it was a second too long as I watched his lips scrunch together in a tight line, forcing the sobs back into his throat,
"I said get out!" Screaming at him, I had no sympathy as he startles into motion and rushes his way to my living room door, "Get out or I will kill you!"
I did not follow; only hearing the clumsy thuds of Yuu's terrified footsteps find their way to my front door. Even when the door had slammed closed and the house was distilled in silence again, I felt nothing. No relief, no joy, no gratefulness for the peace.
There was only suffering. My heart bleeding in a waterfall of torment.
What have I done?
I fell against the door, the forgotten tears catching up to me as I sink to my knees and land gently on the floor. I sob and grieve, hitting the door with my naked fist as I scream to something up above to make everything right again,
"Kai... please come back," I cried, "Please... sweetheart I need you... Come back to me... Come back."
Oh God, I need him. He can't be gone... he can't be.
Despair consumes me and I sob hard into the floorboards, even after no more tears would come. Weak and trembling, I finally lift my head, eyelids sore and red,
"I have to see you," I whisper.
Yes...
"I have to see him."
*
The hospital was bleaker than I remembered. The corridors themselves were monochrome, simply black and white to the exception of the odd saturated colour of green or blue uniforms belonging to staff. Nothing about this place was living, or hopeful, and I decided that it was the perfect place for me right now.
The forty-five minute drive over here had given me a chance to calm down after my downward spiral inside my own house a mere hour ago. At every red traffic light, I recalled my actions and my words; every outpour of anger that I had fired in Yuu's direction. At the time, I didn't care what I said or who I said them to; I was angry with the world and I'd wanted, in that moment, for everyone in my way to burn along with me.
Yuu would probably never forgive me for that - but I had a new focus now. One that snapped me out of my grievances and pushed my determination to the forefront.
That was what was driving my feet forward now; set in only one direction, a vignette hollowing my vision as nurses and porters pushing empty stretchers passed me by. Not one of them asked me if I needed help, not even the receptionist, which was exactly what I wanted. No one distracting me... and nothing stopping me.
The door to Uruha's room sits coldly underneath a blinking black light and I enter it swiftly, without hesitation, pausing only to pray that Kai wouldn't be there first.
The metal chair pulled up to Uruha's bedside was empty at least, so if he was here, at least I had a moment alone.
With him.
I close the heavy metal door behind me quietly and have to take a moment to brace myself before I turn to study Uruha's meek existence properly.
He's different. So different. His once milky skin at least two shades paler, made almost sickly in the dim hospital lighting above his bed. His once auburn hair was left to grow dark at the roots and unkempt with week-old knots and curls. Even the very way he was lying on the bed, arms and legs in parallel stiffness to each other, made his whole demeanour so uncomfortable. He had become the personification of illness itself, and though my hatred of him ran deep, in no way did I ever envision a man of his success to be stripped down to this astonishing level of nothingness.
I take a stiff step forward and scan the skinny, skeletal form of his body. Etching a finger along his exposed shin beneath the hospital gown, I noticed he was unnaturally naked. Gone were the casts and the wires leading to beeping machines. Uruha's bruises were fading and his bones were mending.
But Kai? No. That was something that couldn't be mended.
I retracted my hand; my legs rigid in place as I did nothing but watch him breathe in a steady pattern. The dates and times of his last hourly observations by the nurses were handwritten on a whiteboard above his bed and I felt my stomach squeeze. Here he is, lying perfectly still and serene. Untouched by the outside world.
Safe...
"So..." A croaky voice withered to life before me, "Come to gloat, have you?"
I try not to let him see that his sudden consciousness had startled me and I force myself closer, every step more confident than the last,
"Come now Uruha," I almost hissed, though took all of my energy to suppress my voice into a forced tone of calm, "Surely you know me better than that."
From his place on the bed, Uruha scoffed.
I take caution to acknowledge that this is the first time Uruha and myself had exchanged words since the accident. I could barely recall what my last words were to him beforehand, or gather the decency to appreciate that they might have been my last.
Had things been different,
"Where's Kai?" I asked, my first and only point of priority,
"Out." Uruha croaked,
"Out where?"
"Out."
I bit my tongue and narrowed my eyes, something in the way he was speaking... it wasn't right,
"Will he be back anytime soon?"
Uruha scoffed, "Why? Wanted to sweep in and console him in case I'd died, did you?"
I take a careful step forward, " I wouldn't do that."
"No," Uruha muttered; his voice littered in sarcasm, "Of course you wouldn't. What would I know, right?"
I reached his side and leaned over him, my fists carefully landing either side of his head and gripping the bed's metal rails. I watched the veins in his neck pulsate a little faster... then the ones in my own knuckles.
I could do it if I wanted to.
But I don't,
"Yeah..." I began, fixing my eyes firmly on his own; sunken with haggardness and dark circles, "What would you know? In fact, do you know anything anymore?"
"Ugh..." Uruha huffs, running a hand over his face as I hesitantly pull away and stand rigidly once more at his side, "Not you as well."
My eyes narrowed, though let him continue,
"Everybody in this fucking place won't let up about how different I am," Uruha grumbled, his voice low and hoarse; not so full of life and well-spoken as I had known him, "So what if I am? Some idiot crashes into my car and yet everyone's main concern is my personality transplant -"
"- You've hurt Kai," I cut him off, sternly and with malice, "What about how different you are to him?"
"Fuck being different," Uruha meets my stare through half-lidded eyes, "We both know my health and well-being is not why you're really here."
Even now, throughout all the hell he's been through, he still had the audacity to look at me smugly. Like he'd won me over at the same game in a thousand matches. He was content that he was better than me, that he had obtained what I wanted.
I knew I wasn't imagining it, and I dipped my head low to whisper,
"You better watch yourself," I snarled, "You know better than to push me."
"Is that a threat?" Uruha spat back and I pull away after some self will, "Akira, we've known each other for a long time. I know the games you play inside out."
"So you do remember," My eyebrows lift, "I always knew you were never good enough for Kai, Uruha. But this 'personality transplant' of yours is rubbing off the wrong way."
Uruha smirked wryly at my remark, when before he would have shrugged it off or walked away.
Kai had been right; he truly has changed,
"You know, I always put up with you because Kai asked me to," Uruha said defiantly, "I bet you've enjoyed me being stuck in here, having Kai all to yourself and acting like I'm the bad guy."
"It wasn't my observation to make." I hissed through gritted teeth; recalling how most of my reformed opinion of Uruha came from Kai's lips and Kai's lips alone,
"Don't play stupid," Uruha continued, with a seething menace that ran deep, "I have a sneaking suspicion you're using me to get inside his head," His eyes glinted, "And I will not hesitate to ruin you."
Even though Uruha had always known my feelings for Kai, not once had he made a threat against me for it. If anything, he probably found me a challenge. A reason to try harder for Kai's love and affection,
"I've never used him," I retorted, my eyes aching with soreness and yet I still manage to send a stare deep into his own, "He means the world to me. And I think you'll recall that on the first night we met, I made a promise to Kai that I would kill you if you ever hurt him."
Uruha chuckles lowly, transcending into a rancid and heavy cough, "So it's true," He gasps, "That's why you're really here, is it?"
"Keep pushing me and you'll find out," I remark, coldly, "You are the reason for causing all of his pain. Not me. You're right. Kai has been with me the last couple of weeks. With me. Crying and torturing himself over the likes of you."
"Well that must have made your fucking Christmas," Uruha's voice was riddled with sarcasm, "He came running into your arms for the first time since I came along, hm? Well I hope you enjoyed it," He raised his head and smirked coldly,
"Because it is the last time I will ever let him near you again."
"You son of a bitch -" I started, but Uruha's hands had grabbed the emergency call button quicker than I could get my hands on him. Breathing heavily, I watched as he held the button like the timer of a bomb, wagging his finger in my direction and tutting like I was a disruptive child,
"Watch yourself, Akira," Uruha smiled, "You know better than me how this will look. The schizophrenic breaks into the boyfriend's hospital room in the dead of night. They exchange words. The schizophrenic gets jealous and kills the boyfriend in an instant. Kai would never forgive you. And the police will lock you up for good this time -"
"Shut up," I growled, "Your emotional abuse may have a hold on Kai but it sure as hell won't work on me. I've seen you and I know you. Kai has told me everything."
Uruha's face falls,
"And in time he will know you for the monster that you truly are."
I turn to leave, already calmed long enough to know that me being here wasn't the best idea I'd had in a long time. Yes, I wanted to wring the life out of his neck and say goodbye to him being in my life forever. But I'm not a killer, I need to be strong for myself. For Kai.
Aki... help me...
"The monster that I am?" Uruha's voice came sharp in the humid air, stopping me in my tracks, "Oh no. Akira, we both know who the monster truly is."
I turn back towards him, standing as tall as I can muster, not letting him back me into a corner as I fear he may try,
"Tell me," Uruha goes on, unfazed as he places the call button safely back on his bedside cabinet; next to a heart monitor that was beating far too calmly for my liking, "What did it feel like?"
"What did it feel like to what?" I asked, as Uruha clasps his hands at his stomach and regards me with opaque curiosity,
"What did it feel like to want to kill me?" His eyes glint and I feel the strong shiver of goosebumps sweep the back of my neck.
Hesitantly, I raise my head confidently, "I don't know what you mean."
"Oh I think you do," Uruha challenges, once again looking at me like he owned me, "We both know. Kai may have convinced you that moving to this town and setting up home in the suburbs would let you have a new lease of life, but don't think the rest of the nation has ever forgotten what happened before that."
"- You don't know what you're talking about," I snapped, Uruha treading on very thin water and my patience was weakening, "I moved away for a fresh start, for the good of my career, for my health -"
"Your health?" Uruha coughed again, "How many book sales of yours have dipped Akira? What good have you actually done since you got here?"
"I was here for Kai when you decided to almost kill yourself!" I clench my fists tightly, "I was there for him when you decided to ruin his life. When he needed me the most!"
I didn't know what on earth me coming here tonight would have ever achieved. I was angry, I was upset. When I'd left my house tonight, I'd wanted to scream at Uruha until he admitted what he had done to Kai. I wanted to throttle him for answers when he probably had none for his actions. If anything, I should have stayed at home and wallowed in my misery like I was so good at doing. I should have waited for Kai's phone call, I should have waited for his knock on my door.
I have to get out of here...
"Tell me you're not a murderer, Akira," Uruha called after me, just as my hand lands against the door handle, "I dare you!"
My chest constricts at the venom in his words and I couldn't answer him back as the room blurs into shapes of discolouring before me. Voices return in my head and I feel myself wearing down to the shrill cries of their menacing laughter.
Stop it...
"Stop it Uruha," I splutter, my lungs gasping for air, "You don't know what you're saying!"
Aki, come find me!!
I released a frustrated growl and kicked the metal panels of the door with all the force I had. Whirling around, I could see Uruha glaring at me with maddening insolence and I wanted to squeeze him for every last breath,
"I know you did it," Uruha sat up, even as I stalked back towards him, snatching his wrists and holding him down in place, "I know who you really are, Akira."
The veins in his neck pulsated wildly underneath me, the sharp sting of his overgrown fingernails burying deep into the edges of the back of my palm as he tries to fight me back with what little strength he has.
I could do it if I wanted to.
All this pain he's brought upon Kai. We would be together if it wasn't for him. If he had never been here... Kai and I could have...
I could do it...
I could kill him.
*
A/N: I feel like I could have done better than this right now. But it's hard getting back into writing when you've been gone for years, hm? *scratches head* I hope you enjoyed as always lovelies! Let the shocking revelations continue!! *huehuehue*