[Fanfiction - The GazettE] Whispers of Children [8/?] Part B
Title: Whispers of Children
Author:
sorrowofanangel
Chapter: 8 of ? (Part B)
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, 1st Person narrative
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Reita x Aoi/ Aoi x Reita (main) | Kai x Uruha/ Uruha x Kai | Reita x Kai (one-sided)
WARNING: Angst, boy x boy, schizophrenia, sex scenes
Rating: NC-17
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own the GazettE. If I did, I would have probably married Kai by now ♥(´∀｀)♡
Synopsis: "I moved away to escape my past. Foolishly I believed a new start would help me forget. Help me move on. What I hadn't realised... was that it will follow you wherever you go. No one can know about my past. No one. And that includes Yuu..."
Chapter Summary: The consequences of Akira and Kai's actions come to a head...
Notes: SO! It has been 2 years since this fic was updated and, to be honest, this little series is my baby so I am determined to see it finished <3 I hope you all enjoy~~ (*^^*)
Music: Fly on the Wall (love scene inspiration), Courtesy Call, The End is Where We Begin ~ Thousand Foot Krutch | UNDYING, OMINOUS, 余韻 (Yoin) ~ the GazettE |
Previous Chapters: (Prologue) | (Chapter One) | (Chapter Two) | (Chapter Three) | (Chapter Four) | (Chapter Five) | (Chapter Six) | (Chapter Seven) |
*
"You need me..." I whisper to him, as Kai brings his palms away and I find his face laden with red eyes and guilt-ridden tears, "... I need you. Kai, please, you have to tell me that it meant more, I-I know it did."
It seems forever that I await his response. Steam rises from our fresh coffee cups and the clock ticks second by second on the nearby wall. Birds chirp outside and sunlight streams against Kai's body as though time stops only for us.
Oh how I wish it would. There would be no Uruha, no car crash, no coma. Nothing stopping us. It would just be the two of us against the world... how it should have been,
"I... I can't," Kai whispers, "Aki... Uruha's waiting for me. In that hospital bed. He... He needs me." He pleads softly, cornered even now by Uruha's hold over him.
It angered me. To think Uruha had already put Kai through enough last night, had hurt him to such an extent that Kai had been completely broken by him.
Only for now... to be forgiven?
"What about last night?" I blurted out, Kai's eyes widening as he recalled the state he had been in a mere 24 hours ago. How he'd cried against my chest, spilling out every detail about how little Uruha had made him feel. Whether he questioned if he loved him anymore...
"What about everything he's put you through?" I tried to reason, perhaps for my own selfish benefit; but, somewhere, behind my words, I knew there was truth in them.
Kai must have too, because he suddenly couldn't come up with anything to say.
A look of uncertainty takes hold of Kai's features and he opens his mouth, lips pursed ready to try; perhaps to argue against my point, before he hesitates and retracts his words altogether.
I don't stop myself; my fingers frantically find their way to his shoulders and as he looks up at me with tear-laced eyes, I caress his cheek gently. I tread carefully, cautiously threading my touch across the echoes of his pale skin, curling a strand of bedridden hair behind his ear.
He sighs just as he had in my arms last night and the very memory has me pressing our foreheads together. His temple is warm and I feel the tug of his shy fingers grip my clothing as though powerless.
I feel the partial whisper of my name echo in the space between our lips and close my eyes to savour Kai's closeness in ignorant comfort.
Don't leave me..
Kai tries to speak... my index finger catching the streams of his words as I press it against his lips.
Don't speak...
Inch by inch... I close the gap between us. Our noses brush, our breaths graze our skin, our lips bump.
Instinctively, I kiss the smooth plush of Kai's top lip with barely more than a peck. Then again when he doesn't react.
Then my bottom lip tugs... and I feel his kiss on mine once more.
Desperation grips me and the entirety of Kai's touches upon me again aches my heart for more. My hand weaves around his lower back to push him gently into my chest, cupping the back of his neck to hold him tight to me.
Don't let go.
Kiss after kiss, I lose myself in him. His very taste, the inviting warmth of his skin against mine, his hands in my hair... unravelling me... embedding me... just as he had done last night.
Our legs entwine and trip over one another and soon I've pushed him into the nearest wall, spreading him apart and letting myself settle between his hips. How many times I had imagined taking him like this. How many times I had dreamt of him being mine like this.
Lust in my eyes, I begin to undress him. Kai sighs as I slide his jeans down his hips and let them bunch at his ankles. I slowly rise and kiss the milky white skin of his thighs on my way back to him, worshipping him as an untouched work of art. His eyes are dark with lust and longing as they welcome me back, catching his lips in a long kiss that tempts me to feel him further.
I need you...
One slow push and I was inside him, the ease it took delighting me and it took all my strength not to cry the beauty of his name against his shoulder.
The outstretched cry that eased its way smoothly past Kai's lips as I entered him was gorgeous to my ears and I took a moment to absorb it... to be overcome by it.
I watched with hunger as he parted his lips and his head fell back against the wall, releasing sigh after sigh towards the ceiling, as though he had waited for me all this time.
I felt his lithe legs tighten around my waist, and I found myself exploring him deeper. I held his thigh and kissed his throat as I pushed myself into him deeper, savouring the seduction of his warmth; a feeling so great I parted my lips only to release a voiceless moan into the base of his neck as he enveloped me tighter into a disarray of lust.
I needed to feel him. I needed to be with him over and over again.
My hips drove into him... slowly. Kai released low grunts against my lips and lost moans slithered their way down my throat one after the other. With an available hand, I smoothed stray strands of his bangs that lay scattered across his forehead and watched him unravel in my arms.
Eagerness got the better of me; and I vaguely wondered - just as I had last night - whether Kai would ever let us be together like this again.
I might be selfish... but I had to make him see,
"Don't... go," I whispered to him, as I made love to him faster, "Don't go to him..."
Kai moans innocently and his forehead lands against mine, breathing against me like I was taking all the oxygen out of him; clutching me tighter like I was the only one that mattered, until I didn't know where he ended and I began,
"Kai..." I uttered between our coupled moans, "He's not... good enough for you. You deserve so much better."
Kai almost screams my name and I kiss the bare skin of his chest peeking through the round neck of his t-shirt, his hands scrunching the material of my cardigan tighter as my thrusts bury him deeper against the wall,
"You deserve..." A wave of ecstasy chills me to my core, "... Everything."
"Aki..." Kai chokes out into the air, his face contorted with innocence and perfection. Even as he lets me in deeper and his hands claw at my chest, I don't stop.
I make love to him like he needs me to; like we both deserve. I make love to him like last night never happened. We grunt and groan against each other with every thrust I drive into him and yet I remain in awe with each that comes and passes. I need to hear more, I need everything about him.
I pull my head back to see him... and I admire the pale complexion of his skin like I had never laid eyes on it before. I admire the dark brown allure of his eyes, the shape of his hips sitting pleasantly symmetric and inviting; the slimness of his waist, the muscles in his arms and the soft magnetism of his hair. I take in every detail. I treasure him as though no one else was worthy, as though no one else could see him like I could.
Especially not -
"He can't do this for you..." I can't help myself, desperate as I bring myself closer to the edge. I hear Kai scream my name. His dark eyes gaze at me, his teeth etching paths in his lips, the feel of his muscles tightening around me.
He is mine. Mine...
"Uruha can't do this for you... not like I can!" I gasp as another wave grips me... Kai clenching around me too much to bear and I almost lose myself completely.
Kai stops moaning. He stops running his hands through my hair. Instead, they slip down to my chest and push against me. Not out of lust but... pushing me away.
I slow my movements and raise my head to look at him. He's panting with the same fervour... but not with the same devouring looks he was giving me moments ago,
"Get off me," He whispers lowly, attempting to catch his breath.
I narrow my eyes and catch his face contorted in an entirely different manner.
The very venom with which he stares at me stops me altogether,
"Kai..." I try, raising a hand to touch his cheek, which he smacks away almost immediately,
"I said get off me." He hisses.
No, this can't be...
Fear, if nothing else, settles deep in the pit of my stomach and I hesitantly do as he asks, though not before holding his gaze for a few seconds... in the hope that I may have heard him wrong, or... or...
No, no, no, please...
I pull out of him and set him back on the floor gently, though I stay in close proximity; only to have Kai shove me further away and pull his jeans back up to his waist.
My back lands against the door of my refrigerator, standing confused as I watch Kai redress himself hastily,
"Kai... what are you -?" I start slowly, though Kai doesn't give me time to speak as he turns away from me, fastening his belt buckle.
It takes me a moment to snap into action as he then starts to walk quickly out of the room.
I barely have time to say another word before he's disappearing through the door and I waste no time in going after him, fumbling to pull up the slacks still gathered around my knees,
"Kai!" I almost scream desperately, following him into the hallway where I find him casting aside dozens of my shoes in order to find his own.
No... no... no,
"Kai..." I start, my chest clutching and the very thought of Kai leaving and me losing him was all of a sudden too much to bear, "Kai, wait, please... what's wrong? Talk to me!"
Kai says nothing, ignoring me as he finds his trainers at last and slams them on the wooden floor. In one swift movement he shoves his feet inside and sets about tying the laces. Time seems to be fast forwarding; I can barely catch up with it and I stand there watching him in an absolute standstill.
Before I can catch wind of what I'm doing, I lunge forward to catch hold of his wrists and I fall to my knees in front of him, willing him to do anything, to say anything,
"Kai, look at me!" I plead with him, Kai making no move to shove my hands away. He freezes, his fingers still gripping the ends of his shoelaces while he stares at the floor.
For the first time I see the tears on his face, a droplet escaping his cheek to land with a soft thud against the wooden floorboards.
My gaze softens, "Kai..."
I hold his shoulders, pulling him towards me, to hold him like I had done all of last night. Like I had done at the hospital...
Kai lets me, but only for a moment before he cries out a strong noise of protest and shoves me away from him again,
"Get off me, Aki!" He bellows towards me, stopping only to collect his car keys from the small end table by the front door.
Not for me,
"Kai, no please! Please!" I sob at him in a blind panic. What was it? What was it I did wrong?
"Uruha can't do this for you... Not like I can."
I feel sick, despair dropping down on me like a lead weight in my stomach,
"Oh God no..." I whisper under my breath, then louder as Kai pulls open my front door with staggering force,
"Kai..." My legs are shaking and I follow closely behind him on unsteady feet, "Kai, wait! I'm so sorry, I never meant -"
Kai stops dead on my porch, turning to me in one swift movement that catches me off guard.
I almost gasp. The hurt shining behind his eyes is replaced with one of an absolute pure hatred.
Hatred... of me,
"You... have no right," Kai managed, his voice dark... and hurt, "Uruha has brain damage and he might never be able to walk again! And you're using that against me?! You have no damn right Aki!!"
I flinch... Kai has never yelled at me like this before.
But I was disgusted with myself. Because I had hadn't I?
I did this,
"I'm so sorry..." I start, wanting to take his hand... to take back what I said, "Kai, I-I'm sorry. You're right. I-I never should have said that. I just -"
Kai stares at me with such disdain, and I watch hopelessly as a single tear cascades down his cheek.
After all this, I've been the one to end up hurting him.
I was meant to be there for you.
"... I just needed you," I finish lowly, wanting to hold him in my arms and take all this away from him, "Kai, last night was perfect."
Kai runs a hand over his face, "Oh Aki..."
"No, it was!" I whisper, my voice quivering with emotion, "I know I said that I was expecting this not to last but I was lying okay? Kai, I was lying."
Bravely, I take his face in my hands again,
"I never wanted last night to end," I tell him, smoothing my thumbs against his skin. That soft, smooth skin that I had grown accustomed to caressing night after night, "Please, Kai, don't do this..."
I hold my breath, desperate for Kai to react. To fall into my arms and tell me yes. Yes, he loves me. Yes, he would be with me. Yes, he would ignore the life he has with Uruha and build a new one with me.
But to my dismay, Kai started to shake his head. Letting my heart in his hands drop to the floor and splinter before my eyes,
"No..." He murmurs quietly, his eyes stern as he stares into me with increased absolute, "No, Aki... I can't. I'm sorry."
Then my hands are empty and I'm watching Kai walk away from me... again.
I never thought I could feel like this again after the first time he rejected me all those years ago.
But now I...
"Aki... help me..."
I can't breathe.
I scream after him multiple times that I lost count. The brisk autumnal air heightening the hoarseness in my throat. Yet, he continues. Kai unlocks his car without a single glance back in my direction and lowers himself inside like he couldn't get away fast enough.
But there was a moment. A moment where he clutched the steering wheel and stared ahead in sudden realisation. A glimmer of hope caught my chest and I willed him to look this way,
"Come back to me Kai..." I whisper, "Come back to me. Please..."
He didn't. And I watched his green car drive away down the street; soon disappearing behind maple trees and houses... into the fog... disappearing out of my life.
When I couldn't hear the engine anymore, I started to retreat on unsteady legs; withdrawing to the confines of my empty house, ignoring the cooling Autumn air that blows furiously behind my back.
"Kai... don't do this."
I don't even bother closing my front door and feel my feet give way beneath me, falling to my knees with a hard thump against the bottom step of the stairs.
I sit there. In my own heartbreak. Wasting away like Uruha is in that hospital bed. Wasting away like the cockroach that I am.
How could I have done that? How could I have stooped so low? Trying to persuade Kai to stay with me just because of... what? The fact that I'm 'normal' and Uruha's not anymore?
I feel sick to my stomach and I hunch over to press my elbows to the floor and cry out apologies against the floorboards; no one to hear them, no one to accept them.
Desperate to rid of my guilt and my inescapable anger, my fist lands against the wall to my side with a sickening crack and an instant rush of pain spreads like fire against my fist. But I don't care.
I don't care.
Kai's gone. He's gone and he's not mine like I want him to be. He's not in love with me like I want him to be.
I punch the wall again. Harder. Screaming his name until I can't feel anything anymore.
This was my fault. I could have held back last night. I could have pushed Kai away and told him no.
Because of course I knew, didn't I? I knew this was how things would end...
"Stupid..." I muttered, tears drowning my eyes and clogging my throat, "Stupid... How could I have been so stupid..."
I let myself go to the sound of wailing wind blowing my door onto its hinges; reminding me of how close I had gotten. How close I had been and now the very man I loved more than anything in the world was being taken away from me. Away from me and... back to him.
I curled up, tighter and tighter until my chin was almost to my chest and my hands clutched the strands of my hair. I sobbed into my own arms, not hearing the sound of footsteps; not acknowledging the hand on my shoulder, nor feeling the arms wrapping around my shoulders and sitting me upright.
Yet someone was holding me. Tightly,
"K-Kai...?"
It was only when I spied a pair of feet tucked into sandals beneath me... that I knew who it was,
"No... it's me."
Yuu...
*
A/N: *phew* I sincerely hope I haven't gotten worse at this~ *dusts off cobwebs* hihi (^^; ) Comments are, as always, little drops of LOVE! I'm aiming to update this fic at least once a month. I hope you're all still enjoying it~ <3
Author:
sorrowofanangel
Chapter: 8 of ? (Part B)
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, 1st Person narrative
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Reita x Aoi/ Aoi x Reita (main) | Kai x Uruha/ Uruha x Kai | Reita x Kai (one-sided)
WARNING: Angst, boy x boy, schizophrenia, sex scenes
Rating: NC-17
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own the GazettE. If I did, I would have probably married Kai by now ♥(´∀｀)♡
Synopsis: "I moved away to escape my past. Foolishly I believed a new start would help me forget. Help me move on. What I hadn't realised... was that it will follow you wherever you go. No one can know about my past. No one. And that includes Yuu..."
Chapter Summary: The consequences of Akira and Kai's actions come to a head...
Notes: SO! It has been 2 years since this fic was updated and, to be honest, this little series is my baby so I am determined to see it finished <3 I hope you all enjoy~~ (*^^*)
Music: Fly on the Wall (love scene inspiration), Courtesy Call, The End is Where We Begin ~ Thousand Foot Krutch | UNDYING, OMINOUS, 余韻 (Yoin) ~ the GazettE |
Previous Chapters: (Prologue) | (Chapter One) | (Chapter Two) | (Chapter Three) | (Chapter Four) | (Chapter Five) | (Chapter Six) | (Chapter Seven) |
*
"You need me..." I whisper to him, as Kai brings his palms away and I find his face laden with red eyes and guilt-ridden tears, "... I need you. Kai, please, you have to tell me that it meant more, I-I know it did."
It seems forever that I await his response. Steam rises from our fresh coffee cups and the clock ticks second by second on the nearby wall. Birds chirp outside and sunlight streams against Kai's body as though time stops only for us.
Oh how I wish it would. There would be no Uruha, no car crash, no coma. Nothing stopping us. It would just be the two of us against the world... how it should have been,
"I... I can't," Kai whispers, "Aki... Uruha's waiting for me. In that hospital bed. He... He needs me." He pleads softly, cornered even now by Uruha's hold over him.
It angered me. To think Uruha had already put Kai through enough last night, had hurt him to such an extent that Kai had been completely broken by him.
Only for now... to be forgiven?
"What about last night?" I blurted out, Kai's eyes widening as he recalled the state he had been in a mere 24 hours ago. How he'd cried against my chest, spilling out every detail about how little Uruha had made him feel. Whether he questioned if he loved him anymore...
"What about everything he's put you through?" I tried to reason, perhaps for my own selfish benefit; but, somewhere, behind my words, I knew there was truth in them.
Kai must have too, because he suddenly couldn't come up with anything to say.
A look of uncertainty takes hold of Kai's features and he opens his mouth, lips pursed ready to try; perhaps to argue against my point, before he hesitates and retracts his words altogether.
I don't stop myself; my fingers frantically find their way to his shoulders and as he looks up at me with tear-laced eyes, I caress his cheek gently. I tread carefully, cautiously threading my touch across the echoes of his pale skin, curling a strand of bedridden hair behind his ear.
He sighs just as he had in my arms last night and the very memory has me pressing our foreheads together. His temple is warm and I feel the tug of his shy fingers grip my clothing as though powerless.
I feel the partial whisper of my name echo in the space between our lips and close my eyes to savour Kai's closeness in ignorant comfort.
Don't leave me..
Kai tries to speak... my index finger catching the streams of his words as I press it against his lips.
Don't speak...
Inch by inch... I close the gap between us. Our noses brush, our breaths graze our skin, our lips bump.
Instinctively, I kiss the smooth plush of Kai's top lip with barely more than a peck. Then again when he doesn't react.
Then my bottom lip tugs... and I feel his kiss on mine once more.
Desperation grips me and the entirety of Kai's touches upon me again aches my heart for more. My hand weaves around his lower back to push him gently into my chest, cupping the back of his neck to hold him tight to me.
Don't let go.
Kiss after kiss, I lose myself in him. His very taste, the inviting warmth of his skin against mine, his hands in my hair... unravelling me... embedding me... just as he had done last night.
Our legs entwine and trip over one another and soon I've pushed him into the nearest wall, spreading him apart and letting myself settle between his hips. How many times I had imagined taking him like this. How many times I had dreamt of him being mine like this.
Lust in my eyes, I begin to undress him. Kai sighs as I slide his jeans down his hips and let them bunch at his ankles. I slowly rise and kiss the milky white skin of his thighs on my way back to him, worshipping him as an untouched work of art. His eyes are dark with lust and longing as they welcome me back, catching his lips in a long kiss that tempts me to feel him further.
I need you...
One slow push and I was inside him, the ease it took delighting me and it took all my strength not to cry the beauty of his name against his shoulder.
The outstretched cry that eased its way smoothly past Kai's lips as I entered him was gorgeous to my ears and I took a moment to absorb it... to be overcome by it.
I watched with hunger as he parted his lips and his head fell back against the wall, releasing sigh after sigh towards the ceiling, as though he had waited for me all this time.
I felt his lithe legs tighten around my waist, and I found myself exploring him deeper. I held his thigh and kissed his throat as I pushed myself into him deeper, savouring the seduction of his warmth; a feeling so great I parted my lips only to release a voiceless moan into the base of his neck as he enveloped me tighter into a disarray of lust.
I needed to feel him. I needed to be with him over and over again.
My hips drove into him... slowly. Kai released low grunts against my lips and lost moans slithered their way down my throat one after the other. With an available hand, I smoothed stray strands of his bangs that lay scattered across his forehead and watched him unravel in my arms.
Eagerness got the better of me; and I vaguely wondered - just as I had last night - whether Kai would ever let us be together like this again.
I might be selfish... but I had to make him see,
"Don't... go," I whispered to him, as I made love to him faster, "Don't go to him..."
Kai moans innocently and his forehead lands against mine, breathing against me like I was taking all the oxygen out of him; clutching me tighter like I was the only one that mattered, until I didn't know where he ended and I began,
"Kai..." I uttered between our coupled moans, "He's not... good enough for you. You deserve so much better."
Kai almost screams my name and I kiss the bare skin of his chest peeking through the round neck of his t-shirt, his hands scrunching the material of my cardigan tighter as my thrusts bury him deeper against the wall,
"You deserve..." A wave of ecstasy chills me to my core, "... Everything."
"Aki..." Kai chokes out into the air, his face contorted with innocence and perfection. Even as he lets me in deeper and his hands claw at my chest, I don't stop.
I make love to him like he needs me to; like we both deserve. I make love to him like last night never happened. We grunt and groan against each other with every thrust I drive into him and yet I remain in awe with each that comes and passes. I need to hear more, I need everything about him.
I pull my head back to see him... and I admire the pale complexion of his skin like I had never laid eyes on it before. I admire the dark brown allure of his eyes, the shape of his hips sitting pleasantly symmetric and inviting; the slimness of his waist, the muscles in his arms and the soft magnetism of his hair. I take in every detail. I treasure him as though no one else was worthy, as though no one else could see him like I could.
Especially not -
"He can't do this for you..." I can't help myself, desperate as I bring myself closer to the edge. I hear Kai scream my name. His dark eyes gaze at me, his teeth etching paths in his lips, the feel of his muscles tightening around me.
He is mine. Mine...
"Uruha can't do this for you... not like I can!" I gasp as another wave grips me... Kai clenching around me too much to bear and I almost lose myself completely.
Kai stops moaning. He stops running his hands through my hair. Instead, they slip down to my chest and push against me. Not out of lust but... pushing me away.
I slow my movements and raise my head to look at him. He's panting with the same fervour... but not with the same devouring looks he was giving me moments ago,
"Get off me," He whispers lowly, attempting to catch his breath.
I narrow my eyes and catch his face contorted in an entirely different manner.
The very venom with which he stares at me stops me altogether,
"Kai..." I try, raising a hand to touch his cheek, which he smacks away almost immediately,
"I said get off me." He hisses.
No, this can't be...
Fear, if nothing else, settles deep in the pit of my stomach and I hesitantly do as he asks, though not before holding his gaze for a few seconds... in the hope that I may have heard him wrong, or... or...
No, no, no, please...
I pull out of him and set him back on the floor gently, though I stay in close proximity; only to have Kai shove me further away and pull his jeans back up to his waist.
My back lands against the door of my refrigerator, standing confused as I watch Kai redress himself hastily,
"Kai... what are you -?" I start slowly, though Kai doesn't give me time to speak as he turns away from me, fastening his belt buckle.
It takes me a moment to snap into action as he then starts to walk quickly out of the room.
I barely have time to say another word before he's disappearing through the door and I waste no time in going after him, fumbling to pull up the slacks still gathered around my knees,
"Kai!" I almost scream desperately, following him into the hallway where I find him casting aside dozens of my shoes in order to find his own.
No... no... no,
"Kai..." I start, my chest clutching and the very thought of Kai leaving and me losing him was all of a sudden too much to bear, "Kai, wait, please... what's wrong? Talk to me!"
Kai says nothing, ignoring me as he finds his trainers at last and slams them on the wooden floor. In one swift movement he shoves his feet inside and sets about tying the laces. Time seems to be fast forwarding; I can barely catch up with it and I stand there watching him in an absolute standstill.
Before I can catch wind of what I'm doing, I lunge forward to catch hold of his wrists and I fall to my knees in front of him, willing him to do anything, to say anything,
"Kai, look at me!" I plead with him, Kai making no move to shove my hands away. He freezes, his fingers still gripping the ends of his shoelaces while he stares at the floor.
For the first time I see the tears on his face, a droplet escaping his cheek to land with a soft thud against the wooden floorboards.
My gaze softens, "Kai..."
I hold his shoulders, pulling him towards me, to hold him like I had done all of last night. Like I had done at the hospital...
Kai lets me, but only for a moment before he cries out a strong noise of protest and shoves me away from him again,
"Get off me, Aki!" He bellows towards me, stopping only to collect his car keys from the small end table by the front door.
Not for me,
"Kai, no please! Please!" I sob at him in a blind panic. What was it? What was it I did wrong?
"Uruha can't do this for you... Not like I can."
I feel sick, despair dropping down on me like a lead weight in my stomach,
"Oh God no..." I whisper under my breath, then louder as Kai pulls open my front door with staggering force,
"Kai..." My legs are shaking and I follow closely behind him on unsteady feet, "Kai, wait! I'm so sorry, I never meant -"
Kai stops dead on my porch, turning to me in one swift movement that catches me off guard.
I almost gasp. The hurt shining behind his eyes is replaced with one of an absolute pure hatred.
Hatred... of me,
"You... have no right," Kai managed, his voice dark... and hurt, "Uruha has brain damage and he might never be able to walk again! And you're using that against me?! You have no damn right Aki!!"
I flinch... Kai has never yelled at me like this before.
But I was disgusted with myself. Because I had hadn't I?
I did this,
"I'm so sorry..." I start, wanting to take his hand... to take back what I said, "Kai, I-I'm sorry. You're right. I-I never should have said that. I just -"
Kai stares at me with such disdain, and I watch hopelessly as a single tear cascades down his cheek.
After all this, I've been the one to end up hurting him.
I was meant to be there for you.
"... I just needed you," I finish lowly, wanting to hold him in my arms and take all this away from him, "Kai, last night was perfect."
Kai runs a hand over his face, "Oh Aki..."
"No, it was!" I whisper, my voice quivering with emotion, "I know I said that I was expecting this not to last but I was lying okay? Kai, I was lying."
Bravely, I take his face in my hands again,
"I never wanted last night to end," I tell him, smoothing my thumbs against his skin. That soft, smooth skin that I had grown accustomed to caressing night after night, "Please, Kai, don't do this..."
I hold my breath, desperate for Kai to react. To fall into my arms and tell me yes. Yes, he loves me. Yes, he would be with me. Yes, he would ignore the life he has with Uruha and build a new one with me.
But to my dismay, Kai started to shake his head. Letting my heart in his hands drop to the floor and splinter before my eyes,
"No..." He murmurs quietly, his eyes stern as he stares into me with increased absolute, "No, Aki... I can't. I'm sorry."
Then my hands are empty and I'm watching Kai walk away from me... again.
I never thought I could feel like this again after the first time he rejected me all those years ago.
But now I...
"Aki... help me..."
I can't breathe.
I scream after him multiple times that I lost count. The brisk autumnal air heightening the hoarseness in my throat. Yet, he continues. Kai unlocks his car without a single glance back in my direction and lowers himself inside like he couldn't get away fast enough.
But there was a moment. A moment where he clutched the steering wheel and stared ahead in sudden realisation. A glimmer of hope caught my chest and I willed him to look this way,
"Come back to me Kai..." I whisper, "Come back to me. Please..."
He didn't. And I watched his green car drive away down the street; soon disappearing behind maple trees and houses... into the fog... disappearing out of my life.
When I couldn't hear the engine anymore, I started to retreat on unsteady legs; withdrawing to the confines of my empty house, ignoring the cooling Autumn air that blows furiously behind my back.
"Kai... don't do this."
I don't even bother closing my front door and feel my feet give way beneath me, falling to my knees with a hard thump against the bottom step of the stairs.
I sit there. In my own heartbreak. Wasting away like Uruha is in that hospital bed. Wasting away like the cockroach that I am.
How could I have done that? How could I have stooped so low? Trying to persuade Kai to stay with me just because of... what? The fact that I'm 'normal' and Uruha's not anymore?
I feel sick to my stomach and I hunch over to press my elbows to the floor and cry out apologies against the floorboards; no one to hear them, no one to accept them.
Desperate to rid of my guilt and my inescapable anger, my fist lands against the wall to my side with a sickening crack and an instant rush of pain spreads like fire against my fist. But I don't care.
I don't care.
Kai's gone. He's gone and he's not mine like I want him to be. He's not in love with me like I want him to be.
I punch the wall again. Harder. Screaming his name until I can't feel anything anymore.
This was my fault. I could have held back last night. I could have pushed Kai away and told him no.
Because of course I knew, didn't I? I knew this was how things would end...
"Stupid..." I muttered, tears drowning my eyes and clogging my throat, "Stupid... How could I have been so stupid..."
I let myself go to the sound of wailing wind blowing my door onto its hinges; reminding me of how close I had gotten. How close I had been and now the very man I loved more than anything in the world was being taken away from me. Away from me and... back to him.
I curled up, tighter and tighter until my chin was almost to my chest and my hands clutched the strands of my hair. I sobbed into my own arms, not hearing the sound of footsteps; not acknowledging the hand on my shoulder, nor feeling the arms wrapping around my shoulders and sitting me upright.
Yet someone was holding me. Tightly,
"K-Kai...?"
It was only when I spied a pair of feet tucked into sandals beneath me... that I knew who it was,
"No... it's me."
Yuu...
*
A/N: *phew* I sincerely hope I haven't gotten worse at this~ *dusts off cobwebs* hihi (^^; ) Comments are, as always, little drops of LOVE! I'm aiming to update this fic at least once a month. I hope you're all still enjoying it~ <3