[Fanfiction - The GazettE] Whispers of Children [8/?] Part A
Title: Whispers of Children
Author:
sorrowofanangel
Chapter: 8 of ? (Part A)
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, 1st Person narrative
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Reita x Aoi/ Aoi x Reita (main) | Kai x Uruha/ Uruha x Kai | Reita x Kai (one-sided)
WARNING: Angst, boy x boy, schizophrenia, sex scenes
Rating: NC-17
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own the GazettE. If I did, I would have probably married Kai by now ♥(´∀｀)♡
Synopsis: "I moved away to escape my past. Foolishly I believed a new start would help me forget. Help me move on. What I hadn't realised... was that it will follow you wherever you go. No one can know about my past. No one. And that includes Yuu..."
Chapter Summary: The consequences of Akira and Kai's actions come to a head...
Notes: SO! It has been 2 years since this fic was updated and, to be honest, this little series is my baby so I am determined to see it finished <3 I hope you all enjoy~~ (*^^*)
Music: Fly on the Wall (love scene inspiration), Courtesy Call, The End is Where We Begin ~ Thousand Foot Krutch | UNDYING, OMINOUS, 余韻 (Yoin) ~ the GazettE |
Previous Chapters: (Prologue) | (Chapter One) | (Chapter Two) | (Chapter Three) | (Chapter Four) | (Chapter Five) | (Chapter Six) | (Chapter Seven)
*
“Oh Kai… Oh Kai…”
These hands… those fingers… this warmth. Oh God… has perfection ever existed? Has love such as this ever brought such incredible boundaries of feeling? This immense rush taking over my mind and even my very soul… I’m addicted to it; almost to the point where I can barely believe this is happening.
But I dare to. I open my eyes and find that Kai is still here after all. Kai’s hands stroking my skin, Kai’s warmth enveloping me tighter into his embrace; tighter and harder as he continues to kiss me underneath the bed sheets.
I must be dreaming…
I let a soft sound leave my lips… gracing a subtle response from Kai’s own; such a gorgeous vocalisation that lost itself deep against my throat… yet I swallowed, fearful of it leaving me. I wanted to hear them over and over again. I was hungry for it; so incredibly ravenous for Kai’s affection. To have his arms around me and for us to be wrapped in each other’s heat… in bed like this together. I couldn’t stop if someone threatened me with a gun to my temple or with a billion yen to hand.
This was too magical. Everything I felt seemed like a distant memory. A dream… some sort of film reel manufactured from the carvings of my inner desires and fantasies. Now they were all rolling into one; fading away from my mind like leaves in a summer breeze as my attention remains fixated to the very tangible happening before me.
I felt Kai shift underneath me and I adored the way he moved. The way his hips glided across the mattress as he adjusted himself and his hand rests on my shoulder as we break away to breathe… and then kiss again.
My God someone pinch me…
I hear my name echo all around me, I feel the sweet caress of his skin envelope me, taking me beyond any pinch of happiness I had managed to steal in this life or the next.
But he's here, before me. He's really here and he's touching me. He's holding me. He's... kissing me.
No words capable of sentence structure are uttered between us. Over and over we discard them in favour of the low tones of our moans and the feathering of our sighs. I long to explore him, my fingertips trailing across Kai's outline as though he were mine and mine alone. I explored him as though I had no boundaries, longed for him as though I had no love left for anyone else. My emotions were scattered as Kai wraps his slender legs around me and rolls us over, kissing me gently as my head meets the soft confines of the pillow.
The material of my jeans slips down to the base of my knees and Kai snatches my elbows to sit me upright as he discards my shirt. Tossing it away, I watch the cotton fabric disappear into shadows and settle my eyes back to Kai's pale, defeated complexion.
As my eyes studied his face, I could no longer tell what I was searching for; particularly when he stopped undressing me and did the same. Our eyes connected, snapping into alignment as we lost ourselves into the darkness of each pair of hazel eyes. I tried to unravel him, to look past the tears and engage his heart. To whisper sweet nothings against him and have him lock them away to be treasured forever. To love me as I have always loved him.
My eyes screamed all of this to him as I felt water brimming and threaten to spill over my cheeks. This emotion, this feeling, was beyond any cavern of hope or accomplishment. Beyond any achievement I could hold dear.
Because this, the very man I have done nothing but loved unconditionally since we were children, was the reason why I was still breathing. He was the one reason why my feet still remained on this earth and trod on the paths I've dared take. My love for Kai was impenetrable, an armed box locked away with a stolen key, a mutinied ship sailing into shark infested waters.
No matter the danger, my heart would always belong to him, and I couldn't let that be stolen away.
I see the flicker of doubt in his eyes yet pray for this miracle to not end. Not now, not here, not this early...
Fighting his grief, he leans closer and brushes my lips with his. His kisses are nothing more than flickers of cotton against my lips but I take it. To embrace this kind of perfection, I would take the lightest touch from him with a grateful welcoming.
I try and speak his name but only air brushes past my lips, my tepid fingers searching for the hem of the trousers I had let him borrow for the night. I can hardly dare to look as he allows me to slip the waistband into a forbidden path only accessible in my dreams and wildest fantasies.
Kai's eyes are fixed on mine as he helps to remove them completely and I'm almost nervous to look down. Feeling myself shake, I see the dark shadows below his waistline creep into the corners of my vision, and I desperately know the beauty I expected wouldn't disappoint.
Kai remains above me on his knees, his hands clasping the headboard as he leans over me and begins to trail kisses along my forehead. I feel his lips tremble and the heat of his breath puff against my skin with equal distress; it consoled me that his nerves were taking over too. I was almost tempted to believe that it proved this meant something more to him than just escapist sex.
I feel my hand clutch at his elbow, attempting to comfort him as I had been the entire night, revelling in the softness of his skin and the faint scent of lavender bubble bath that drifts pleasantly in the air around us.
Without speaking a word, I brush noses with him as Kai sinks back on his shins again, placing his hands on my shoulders as though he knows of nowhere else appropriate. In the dark, I see his watery eyes close as my hands cup his cheeks, trying to savour the beauty held between my fingertips; a moist layer of tears sitting beneath my thumbs.
We breathe against each other in the dark, the only sound in the room as, without words, I tell him over and over that everything's alright. I speak to him with my hands wrapped around his waist, with my lips experimentally caressing his. Finally, nausea has a firm grip on me as I build the courage to press our dry lips together again.
Kai takes my kiss welcomingly, almost crushing me as his arms grab me and hold me in place. Like he was waiting for me all along. I feel my moans escape me uncontrollably, flinching yet adoring the graze his fingernails make against my skin as he fumbles his way across my body, until euphoria fills me and I'm lying on my back again, staring up at the ceiling.
An icy cold digit pressing against me was not mistaken and my fist curls in Kai's locks. His forehead is pressed against my waist, the razor edge of his teeth scraping my stomach as he explores me gently with deep and lingering kisses. I let him do as he pleases, mentally photographing each second that came and passed. I knew, somewhere deep inside myself, that what Kai was doing to me was part of a war he was fighting inside. I was nothing more than a tool he needed, and, whether he was blind to it or not... I knew I accepted it willingly.
Because he was here, ready to make love to me, the one man I had ever loved. I don't care how this happened, only caring that it was happening.
No matter what circumstance this may have brought us, I would remain delirious in this venture if it meant we could have each other as I have so achingly dreamt for.
Watching Kai's locks disappear below my waist... I knew then my heart was held tightly between his fingertips.
And I was dangerously in love with the thrill.
*
I woke to the essence of sunlight streaming through the window, and once again questioned the reality of the night before, my sleep absent of nightmares and terrors for the first time in a long while. The room around me blurry and swaying, I feel the effects of fatigue cause my eyelids to ache, and I groan as my feet tangle in what appears to be cotton blankets.
Oh God, could I have really been...?
But no. I was here. The pale blue curtains of the guest room finally looming into focus before me.
It... It wasn't a dream?
My hand instinctively lands against my chest and I feel my cheeks widen into the happiest smile to grace my lips in so long. Last night wasn't a dream and it was no longer a fantasy. I had the actual, living memory of Kai in my arms... Kai against my lips... Kai...
Kai had been all mine. Mine and mine alone like I had only dreamt for.
I slip back onto my pillow and let the air filter out of my lungs as I stare into the ceiling. This was amazing. Beyond breathtaking, beyond a dream come true even.
I shiver as I recall the dimensions in Kai's touches... reminded of the soft feathers of his fingers versus the callous grabbing his hands were capable of. His warm tongue circling around my teeth and the sweet serenity he could do with it elsewhere. His beautiful eyes staring into mine, his eyebrows creasing as he comes undone, his neck arching as he cums inside me... the way his body shivered and collapsed against mine... the way his sweat clung to me like a sheet...
The arousal stirring underneath the bed sheets was shameless, and I close my eyes as I transport myself back to the feeling.
I treasured everything. Every touch, every smidgen of affection he chose to pay me. I memorised it all.
This feeling. Let me keep it forever.
Reluctantly, I open my eyes to the ceiling and notice the empty bed space in the corner of my eye.
Kai isn't here...
Though a small tug of worry descends on me, I try to push it aside. Perhaps he went down for coffee...
I sit there in the morning sun and ponder, suddenly thinking what on earth it is I'm going to say to him now. What does this mean? What is any of this going to do to us?
What have we done?
I know. I know for certain that the night we spent together would be our last and only, no matter how deluded I wanted it to be that we could be something more. How I could wish that Kai would realise we are meant to be together, that he would leave Uruha in a heartbeat and whisper the same three words I long to hear muttered from his lips.
I almost said it last night, caught up in the moment of our incredible love-making and between the lusty confines of the bed covers. I had to bite my tongue before the sentence could slip out, however, knowing it would scare him away for sure.
But how I wanted to say it. The decision not to had almost killed me.
With a considerable amount of effort, I pull the messy bed sheets off of me and sit up, the sudden stretch of sunlight through the window bringing on a mild headache. I sigh heavily, making my way rigidly back into my bedroom for a fresh pair of slacks and a cardigan as I felt an uneven chill drift throughout the house.
As wool clothed my shoulders, I heard the gentle clink of ceramics echo from downstairs. I smiled gently, almost relieved to hear living proof that Kai had actually stayed like I'd hoped him to.
My kettle boiling half a minute later confirmed it.
By the time I'd reached the kitchen, I found Kai dressed in his own clothes, with his back turned to me as he ferried from counter to counter collecting teaspoons of sugar and cartons of milk. I paused in the doorway for a moment, almost scanning the picture before me to savour it that while longer. As difficult as my mind may be, I knew I wasn't that deluded to conclude that last night was probably going to be the last time Kai would ever be in my arms willingly.
Though it didn't stop me hoping.
I flinch as the kettle switch flicks upright, startling myself into speech,
"Good morning."
A surprised Kai almost drops the cup he's holding as his hands tremble inadvertently. He turns to me and whispers back the greeting, a shy blush working its way across his tiresome cheeks,
"How'd you sleep?" I ask gently,
"Okay..." He mumbled, collecting a second cup from the shelf in front of him for me, "You?"
I considered my answer carefully, "Like a dream."
Kai's smile was small, though I couldn't work out whether that was the right thing to say after all,
"I... um..." Kai started, adding coffee to the second cup, "I hope you don't mind but I just, uhh, can't handle not having coffee in a morning."
I return his warm smile, grateful for the awkwardness beginning to dissipate, "Not at all. I know how much we live for the stuff."
A hidden force of bravery allows me to leave the doorframe and walk closer to him. The chestnut strands of his hair are left unkempt and wildly bedridden; the kind of look that makes me smile wryly as I come up behind him and gently place a kiss against them.
Kai doesn't flinch, he doesn't tell me to stop. I hear the rattle of a teaspoon left swirling in one of the mugs before he turns to face me and we're directly back where we were last night; though more vertical than horizontal now,
"Aki..." Kai whispers, his fingertips loosely clutching to the hem of my cardigan. Underneath, my bare chest felt ever hotter as his fervent breaths blew across my skin, no longer so shaky and nervous as he was before.
My palms fold around his cheeks, eyes drifting to settle on his lips; mine aching for no other target.
He kisses me back, softly and without hesitation. Inviting me back to the perfection that was last night; wrapped in cotton sheets and bathing in his warmth, in the essence of his very existence.
My heart flutters and my stomach drops, leaning into him uncontrollably. Kai's hands grip my waist and pull me closer, eventually running his fingers through the dry strands of my hair. I deepen the kiss, and keep my eyes closed for seconds after he pulls away,
"Aki, what is this?" Kai whispers to me breathlessly, a question I should have known was going to come.
My eyes remain unopened though my thumbs glided across his jaw line,
"Whatever you want it to be," I answered him, "It doesn't have to be anything."
Kai's hand pushes against my chest and I find a direct stare waiting for me,
"It's already become something, Aki," Kai tells me somewhat sternly, turning back around to finish stirring our coffee cups, "It's too late to turn it back into being nothing."
I look to the floor, feeling my throat close up; suddenly cold and empty as Kai's body warmth left my comfortable embrace, "Okay. So say it."
"Say what?"
"That it was a big mistake."
I watch Kai's shoulders droop and he very nearly throws the spoon into the sink,
"I never said that."
"I know. I just expected to hear it, that's all." I mumble, wasting no time in telling the truth. Kai was, after all, the one person who had heard most of it, why not this too?
A long silence passes between us before Kai's gaze drifts to a random countertop, "So, what do we do now?"
In all truth?
"I don't know..." I once again mumble in honesty. What was there left to do even?
Deep inside, I suppose I was looking for Kai to run straight back to Uruha; into his suffocating coma and changed persona. Although I practically hated the guy before... at least before the accident he wasn't hurting Kai like he is now,
"Aki... " Kai started, though I wasn't sure if I could bear to look at him, with any number of probabilities concerning his next words,
"I...I hope you know and understand that I... I was in a bad place last night and I just- I never wanted this to happen or to... you know, use you like this. I- "
Kai looks at me sadly, hazel eyes scanning me for a reaction. Or perhaps hoping I'd take my turn to speak early to save him thinking about his next sentence,
"I know," I nodded, trying so hard... giving everything not to break in half, "But at least tell me one thing."
"What?"
"Tell me it meant something more to you."
"Oh, Aki -"
"No, please," Almost close to begging, and half of me didn't care, "Tell me I wasn't just an escape for you."
The taste of desperation that I'd managed to suppress for this long was starting to filter through, and I couldn't stand it. The more I stared at him, the more he shuffled from one foot to the other, or offered me a rueful glance.
Eventually, Kai caught my eyes in a solemn grimace; the look of someone about to give bad news. The look of someone about to break a heart.
To break mine.
I took a step back, the breath I'd been holding sitting tight in my chest. Time slowed down as I took in his features one by one. The dream of last night beginning to shatter into a thousand reality-tainted pieces.
Kai tried to take my arm when I released a shaky gasp of sudden awareness. The awareness that I was losing him. That Uruha was going to steal him back after all...
"Aki..." Kai called after me softly, and for the first time I felt myself recoiling from his touch. From the only set of hands I had ever wanted to touch me,
"I-I'm sorry... I am, I..." He licks his lips, pressing his palms together in front of his chest, "I never wanted to hurt you like this. You have to believe me.
I... God I'm disgusted with myself that I..." He breaks off with a frustrated sigh, at a loss for words. Some part of me was praying that his next words
would be of comfort, or all the things I wanted to hear him say.
But no more came... and I admitted inside myself that I was struggling, letting silence settle between us.
I felt Kai's troubled eyes weigh heavily on me and, as much as I felt burdened to reassure him, I knew deep inside that I just couldn't.
His partner was in hospital, fighting for his old life back, and here we were. Sleeping together... ruining our friendship,
"I tried to deny it you know," I murmured at last, my throat closing up to the point I could almost choke, "Last night. I kept telling myself over and over that it would only happen once... you and I."
Kai let his hands fall to his sides, and I watched him continue to gaze at me with sinking helplessness. For once, I couldn't stand it,
"While it was happening..." I continued, numb inside, little emotion left to give him. Last night with him was all I had, "I was alright with that. I was alright with just being given that one chance with you."
"Aki..." Kai whispered, but I ignored him,
"But now..." I broke off, too near to a smile. A depressing, downward spiral of a smile, "Now... I'm hearing you say the very things I expected you to say. And it actually -" My breath hitches, "- It actually scares me."
Somewhere ahead, Kai inhales shakily, "Akira, please..."
"- Do you have any idea what this feels like?" I cut him off, my voice a desperate whisper now.
I needed to let him know,
"You don't..." I shake tearfully, stepping back slowly until I collide with my kitchen wall, "All these years I have done nothing... but adore you."
Kai lets out a deep sigh in front of me. Not of frustration, not of happiness. But one that told me he'd already known,
"And yet I was ready to let you trample all over me last night," I sniffed, my cheeks slowly dampening with streams of tears, "You know that? I knew what this would do and yet I... couldn't... stop."
Kai cups his face with his hands, his shoulders unstable as he tries to breathe,
"Kai, with you, I will never be able to stop." I'm crying now, my breathing laboured, my hands shaking before me as I ache for nothing else but to take in my arms and make him see me.
Make him see us...
*
A/N: Click here for the next part lovelies ---> (Part B)
Author:
sorrowofanangel
Chapter: 8 of ? (Part A)
Genre: Romance, Angst, Drama, 1st Person narrative
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Reita x Aoi/ Aoi x Reita (main) | Kai x Uruha/ Uruha x Kai | Reita x Kai (one-sided)
WARNING: Angst, boy x boy, schizophrenia, sex scenes
Rating: NC-17
DISCLAIMER: No, I don't own the GazettE. If I did, I would have probably married Kai by now ♥(´∀｀)♡
Synopsis: "I moved away to escape my past. Foolishly I believed a new start would help me forget. Help me move on. What I hadn't realised... was that it will follow you wherever you go. No one can know about my past. No one. And that includes Yuu..."
Chapter Summary: The consequences of Akira and Kai's actions come to a head...
Notes: SO! It has been 2 years since this fic was updated and, to be honest, this little series is my baby so I am determined to see it finished <3 I hope you all enjoy~~ (*^^*)
Music: Fly on the Wall (love scene inspiration), Courtesy Call, The End is Where We Begin ~ Thousand Foot Krutch | UNDYING, OMINOUS, 余韻 (Yoin) ~ the GazettE |
Previous Chapters: (Prologue) | (Chapter One) | (Chapter Two) | (Chapter Three) | (Chapter Four) | (Chapter Five) | (Chapter Six) | (Chapter Seven)
*
“Oh Kai… Oh Kai…”
These hands… those fingers… this warmth. Oh God… has perfection ever existed? Has love such as this ever brought such incredible boundaries of feeling? This immense rush taking over my mind and even my very soul… I’m addicted to it; almost to the point where I can barely believe this is happening.
But I dare to. I open my eyes and find that Kai is still here after all. Kai’s hands stroking my skin, Kai’s warmth enveloping me tighter into his embrace; tighter and harder as he continues to kiss me underneath the bed sheets.
I must be dreaming…
I let a soft sound leave my lips… gracing a subtle response from Kai’s own; such a gorgeous vocalisation that lost itself deep against my throat… yet I swallowed, fearful of it leaving me. I wanted to hear them over and over again. I was hungry for it; so incredibly ravenous for Kai’s affection. To have his arms around me and for us to be wrapped in each other’s heat… in bed like this together. I couldn’t stop if someone threatened me with a gun to my temple or with a billion yen to hand.
This was too magical. Everything I felt seemed like a distant memory. A dream… some sort of film reel manufactured from the carvings of my inner desires and fantasies. Now they were all rolling into one; fading away from my mind like leaves in a summer breeze as my attention remains fixated to the very tangible happening before me.
I felt Kai shift underneath me and I adored the way he moved. The way his hips glided across the mattress as he adjusted himself and his hand rests on my shoulder as we break away to breathe… and then kiss again.
My God someone pinch me…
I hear my name echo all around me, I feel the sweet caress of his skin envelope me, taking me beyond any pinch of happiness I had managed to steal in this life or the next.
But he's here, before me. He's really here and he's touching me. He's holding me. He's... kissing me.
No words capable of sentence structure are uttered between us. Over and over we discard them in favour of the low tones of our moans and the feathering of our sighs. I long to explore him, my fingertips trailing across Kai's outline as though he were mine and mine alone. I explored him as though I had no boundaries, longed for him as though I had no love left for anyone else. My emotions were scattered as Kai wraps his slender legs around me and rolls us over, kissing me gently as my head meets the soft confines of the pillow.
The material of my jeans slips down to the base of my knees and Kai snatches my elbows to sit me upright as he discards my shirt. Tossing it away, I watch the cotton fabric disappear into shadows and settle my eyes back to Kai's pale, defeated complexion.
As my eyes studied his face, I could no longer tell what I was searching for; particularly when he stopped undressing me and did the same. Our eyes connected, snapping into alignment as we lost ourselves into the darkness of each pair of hazel eyes. I tried to unravel him, to look past the tears and engage his heart. To whisper sweet nothings against him and have him lock them away to be treasured forever. To love me as I have always loved him.
My eyes screamed all of this to him as I felt water brimming and threaten to spill over my cheeks. This emotion, this feeling, was beyond any cavern of hope or accomplishment. Beyond any achievement I could hold dear.
Because this, the very man I have done nothing but loved unconditionally since we were children, was the reason why I was still breathing. He was the one reason why my feet still remained on this earth and trod on the paths I've dared take. My love for Kai was impenetrable, an armed box locked away with a stolen key, a mutinied ship sailing into shark infested waters.
No matter the danger, my heart would always belong to him, and I couldn't let that be stolen away.
I see the flicker of doubt in his eyes yet pray for this miracle to not end. Not now, not here, not this early...
Fighting his grief, he leans closer and brushes my lips with his. His kisses are nothing more than flickers of cotton against my lips but I take it. To embrace this kind of perfection, I would take the lightest touch from him with a grateful welcoming.
I try and speak his name but only air brushes past my lips, my tepid fingers searching for the hem of the trousers I had let him borrow for the night. I can hardly dare to look as he allows me to slip the waistband into a forbidden path only accessible in my dreams and wildest fantasies.
Kai's eyes are fixed on mine as he helps to remove them completely and I'm almost nervous to look down. Feeling myself shake, I see the dark shadows below his waistline creep into the corners of my vision, and I desperately know the beauty I expected wouldn't disappoint.
Kai remains above me on his knees, his hands clasping the headboard as he leans over me and begins to trail kisses along my forehead. I feel his lips tremble and the heat of his breath puff against my skin with equal distress; it consoled me that his nerves were taking over too. I was almost tempted to believe that it proved this meant something more to him than just escapist sex.
I feel my hand clutch at his elbow, attempting to comfort him as I had been the entire night, revelling in the softness of his skin and the faint scent of lavender bubble bath that drifts pleasantly in the air around us.
Without speaking a word, I brush noses with him as Kai sinks back on his shins again, placing his hands on my shoulders as though he knows of nowhere else appropriate. In the dark, I see his watery eyes close as my hands cup his cheeks, trying to savour the beauty held between my fingertips; a moist layer of tears sitting beneath my thumbs.
We breathe against each other in the dark, the only sound in the room as, without words, I tell him over and over that everything's alright. I speak to him with my hands wrapped around his waist, with my lips experimentally caressing his. Finally, nausea has a firm grip on me as I build the courage to press our dry lips together again.
Kai takes my kiss welcomingly, almost crushing me as his arms grab me and hold me in place. Like he was waiting for me all along. I feel my moans escape me uncontrollably, flinching yet adoring the graze his fingernails make against my skin as he fumbles his way across my body, until euphoria fills me and I'm lying on my back again, staring up at the ceiling.
An icy cold digit pressing against me was not mistaken and my fist curls in Kai's locks. His forehead is pressed against my waist, the razor edge of his teeth scraping my stomach as he explores me gently with deep and lingering kisses. I let him do as he pleases, mentally photographing each second that came and passed. I knew, somewhere deep inside myself, that what Kai was doing to me was part of a war he was fighting inside. I was nothing more than a tool he needed, and, whether he was blind to it or not... I knew I accepted it willingly.
Because he was here, ready to make love to me, the one man I had ever loved. I don't care how this happened, only caring that it was happening.
No matter what circumstance this may have brought us, I would remain delirious in this venture if it meant we could have each other as I have so achingly dreamt for.
Watching Kai's locks disappear below my waist... I knew then my heart was held tightly between his fingertips.
And I was dangerously in love with the thrill.
*
I woke to the essence of sunlight streaming through the window, and once again questioned the reality of the night before, my sleep absent of nightmares and terrors for the first time in a long while. The room around me blurry and swaying, I feel the effects of fatigue cause my eyelids to ache, and I groan as my feet tangle in what appears to be cotton blankets.
Oh God, could I have really been...?
But no. I was here. The pale blue curtains of the guest room finally looming into focus before me.
It... It wasn't a dream?
My hand instinctively lands against my chest and I feel my cheeks widen into the happiest smile to grace my lips in so long. Last night wasn't a dream and it was no longer a fantasy. I had the actual, living memory of Kai in my arms... Kai against my lips... Kai...
Kai had been all mine. Mine and mine alone like I had only dreamt for.
I slip back onto my pillow and let the air filter out of my lungs as I stare into the ceiling. This was amazing. Beyond breathtaking, beyond a dream come true even.
I shiver as I recall the dimensions in Kai's touches... reminded of the soft feathers of his fingers versus the callous grabbing his hands were capable of. His warm tongue circling around my teeth and the sweet serenity he could do with it elsewhere. His beautiful eyes staring into mine, his eyebrows creasing as he comes undone, his neck arching as he cums inside me... the way his body shivered and collapsed against mine... the way his sweat clung to me like a sheet...
The arousal stirring underneath the bed sheets was shameless, and I close my eyes as I transport myself back to the feeling.
I treasured everything. Every touch, every smidgen of affection he chose to pay me. I memorised it all.
This feeling. Let me keep it forever.
Reluctantly, I open my eyes to the ceiling and notice the empty bed space in the corner of my eye.
Kai isn't here...
Though a small tug of worry descends on me, I try to push it aside. Perhaps he went down for coffee...
I sit there in the morning sun and ponder, suddenly thinking what on earth it is I'm going to say to him now. What does this mean? What is any of this going to do to us?
What have we done?
I know. I know for certain that the night we spent together would be our last and only, no matter how deluded I wanted it to be that we could be something more. How I could wish that Kai would realise we are meant to be together, that he would leave Uruha in a heartbeat and whisper the same three words I long to hear muttered from his lips.
I almost said it last night, caught up in the moment of our incredible love-making and between the lusty confines of the bed covers. I had to bite my tongue before the sentence could slip out, however, knowing it would scare him away for sure.
But how I wanted to say it. The decision not to had almost killed me.
With a considerable amount of effort, I pull the messy bed sheets off of me and sit up, the sudden stretch of sunlight through the window bringing on a mild headache. I sigh heavily, making my way rigidly back into my bedroom for a fresh pair of slacks and a cardigan as I felt an uneven chill drift throughout the house.
As wool clothed my shoulders, I heard the gentle clink of ceramics echo from downstairs. I smiled gently, almost relieved to hear living proof that Kai had actually stayed like I'd hoped him to.
My kettle boiling half a minute later confirmed it.
By the time I'd reached the kitchen, I found Kai dressed in his own clothes, with his back turned to me as he ferried from counter to counter collecting teaspoons of sugar and cartons of milk. I paused in the doorway for a moment, almost scanning the picture before me to savour it that while longer. As difficult as my mind may be, I knew I wasn't that deluded to conclude that last night was probably going to be the last time Kai would ever be in my arms willingly.
Though it didn't stop me hoping.
I flinch as the kettle switch flicks upright, startling myself into speech,
"Good morning."
A surprised Kai almost drops the cup he's holding as his hands tremble inadvertently. He turns to me and whispers back the greeting, a shy blush working its way across his tiresome cheeks,
"How'd you sleep?" I ask gently,
"Okay..." He mumbled, collecting a second cup from the shelf in front of him for me, "You?"
I considered my answer carefully, "Like a dream."
Kai's smile was small, though I couldn't work out whether that was the right thing to say after all,
"I... um..." Kai started, adding coffee to the second cup, "I hope you don't mind but I just, uhh, can't handle not having coffee in a morning."
I return his warm smile, grateful for the awkwardness beginning to dissipate, "Not at all. I know how much we live for the stuff."
A hidden force of bravery allows me to leave the doorframe and walk closer to him. The chestnut strands of his hair are left unkempt and wildly bedridden; the kind of look that makes me smile wryly as I come up behind him and gently place a kiss against them.
Kai doesn't flinch, he doesn't tell me to stop. I hear the rattle of a teaspoon left swirling in one of the mugs before he turns to face me and we're directly back where we were last night; though more vertical than horizontal now,
"Aki..." Kai whispers, his fingertips loosely clutching to the hem of my cardigan. Underneath, my bare chest felt ever hotter as his fervent breaths blew across my skin, no longer so shaky and nervous as he was before.
My palms fold around his cheeks, eyes drifting to settle on his lips; mine aching for no other target.
He kisses me back, softly and without hesitation. Inviting me back to the perfection that was last night; wrapped in cotton sheets and bathing in his warmth, in the essence of his very existence.
My heart flutters and my stomach drops, leaning into him uncontrollably. Kai's hands grip my waist and pull me closer, eventually running his fingers through the dry strands of my hair. I deepen the kiss, and keep my eyes closed for seconds after he pulls away,
"Aki, what is this?" Kai whispers to me breathlessly, a question I should have known was going to come.
My eyes remain unopened though my thumbs glided across his jaw line,
"Whatever you want it to be," I answered him, "It doesn't have to be anything."
Kai's hand pushes against my chest and I find a direct stare waiting for me,
"It's already become something, Aki," Kai tells me somewhat sternly, turning back around to finish stirring our coffee cups, "It's too late to turn it back into being nothing."
I look to the floor, feeling my throat close up; suddenly cold and empty as Kai's body warmth left my comfortable embrace, "Okay. So say it."
"Say what?"
"That it was a big mistake."
I watch Kai's shoulders droop and he very nearly throws the spoon into the sink,
"I never said that."
"I know. I just expected to hear it, that's all." I mumble, wasting no time in telling the truth. Kai was, after all, the one person who had heard most of it, why not this too?
A long silence passes between us before Kai's gaze drifts to a random countertop, "So, what do we do now?"
In all truth?
"I don't know..." I once again mumble in honesty. What was there left to do even?
Deep inside, I suppose I was looking for Kai to run straight back to Uruha; into his suffocating coma and changed persona. Although I practically hated the guy before... at least before the accident he wasn't hurting Kai like he is now,
"Aki... " Kai started, though I wasn't sure if I could bear to look at him, with any number of probabilities concerning his next words,
"I...I hope you know and understand that I... I was in a bad place last night and I just- I never wanted this to happen or to... you know, use you like this. I- "
Kai looks at me sadly, hazel eyes scanning me for a reaction. Or perhaps hoping I'd take my turn to speak early to save him thinking about his next sentence,
"I know," I nodded, trying so hard... giving everything not to break in half, "But at least tell me one thing."
"What?"
"Tell me it meant something more to you."
"Oh, Aki -"
"No, please," Almost close to begging, and half of me didn't care, "Tell me I wasn't just an escape for you."
The taste of desperation that I'd managed to suppress for this long was starting to filter through, and I couldn't stand it. The more I stared at him, the more he shuffled from one foot to the other, or offered me a rueful glance.
Eventually, Kai caught my eyes in a solemn grimace; the look of someone about to give bad news. The look of someone about to break a heart.
To break mine.
I took a step back, the breath I'd been holding sitting tight in my chest. Time slowed down as I took in his features one by one. The dream of last night beginning to shatter into a thousand reality-tainted pieces.
Kai tried to take my arm when I released a shaky gasp of sudden awareness. The awareness that I was losing him. That Uruha was going to steal him back after all...
"Aki..." Kai called after me softly, and for the first time I felt myself recoiling from his touch. From the only set of hands I had ever wanted to touch me,
"I-I'm sorry... I am, I..." He licks his lips, pressing his palms together in front of his chest, "I never wanted to hurt you like this. You have to believe me.
I... God I'm disgusted with myself that I..." He breaks off with a frustrated sigh, at a loss for words. Some part of me was praying that his next words
would be of comfort, or all the things I wanted to hear him say.
But no more came... and I admitted inside myself that I was struggling, letting silence settle between us.
I felt Kai's troubled eyes weigh heavily on me and, as much as I felt burdened to reassure him, I knew deep inside that I just couldn't.
His partner was in hospital, fighting for his old life back, and here we were. Sleeping together... ruining our friendship,
"I tried to deny it you know," I murmured at last, my throat closing up to the point I could almost choke, "Last night. I kept telling myself over and over that it would only happen once... you and I."
Kai let his hands fall to his sides, and I watched him continue to gaze at me with sinking helplessness. For once, I couldn't stand it,
"While it was happening..." I continued, numb inside, little emotion left to give him. Last night with him was all I had, "I was alright with that. I was alright with just being given that one chance with you."
"Aki..." Kai whispered, but I ignored him,
"But now..." I broke off, too near to a smile. A depressing, downward spiral of a smile, "Now... I'm hearing you say the very things I expected you to say. And it actually -" My breath hitches, "- It actually scares me."
Somewhere ahead, Kai inhales shakily, "Akira, please..."
"- Do you have any idea what this feels like?" I cut him off, my voice a desperate whisper now.
I needed to let him know,
"You don't..." I shake tearfully, stepping back slowly until I collide with my kitchen wall, "All these years I have done nothing... but adore you."
Kai lets out a deep sigh in front of me. Not of frustration, not of happiness. But one that told me he'd already known,
"And yet I was ready to let you trample all over me last night," I sniffed, my cheeks slowly dampening with streams of tears, "You know that? I knew what this would do and yet I... couldn't... stop."
Kai cups his face with his hands, his shoulders unstable as he tries to breathe,
"Kai, with you, I will never be able to stop." I'm crying now, my breathing laboured, my hands shaking before me as I ache for nothing else but to take in my arms and make him see me.
Make him see us...
*
A/N: Click here for the next part lovelies ---> (Part B)