second time in writing this, i hate lj
I am the Rake
A woman never quite feels desired and appreciated enough. She wants attention, but a man is too often distracted and unresponsive. The Rake is a great female fantasy-figure - when he desires a woman, brief though that moment may be, he will go to the ends of the earth for her. He may be disloyal, dishonest and amoral, but that only adds to his appeal. Stir a woman's repressed longings by adapting the Rake's mix of danger and pleasure.
Symbol: Fire. The Rake burns with a desire that enflames the woman he is seducing. It is extreme, uncontrollable and dangerous. The Rake may end in hell, but the flames surrounding him often make him seem that much more desirable to women.
What Type of Seducer are You?
created by
polite_society
i love gender stereotypes. hahaha. im a rake. put me in a romance novel, im a virile man, and women are made to bear.
so i had a long entry, and i accidentally lost it, and i dont know if im going to go everywhere i originally went. alice traipsed along in the looking glass but now shes tired and wants no more of white rabbits.
i was considering the fact that three couples have approached me with offers to join them sexually in the past year or so. i have also had countless straight(?) women tell me they would/want to sleep with me. some joking, some in all seriousness. and i wonder if i am just open about my sex/sexuality/behavior so that people think i would be fun to experiment with? or that they dont really feel there are many people they can approach or comfortably bring into their love lives. in a way it makes me sad that a certain "type" of person need be available to explore sexual possibilities. im sure there are many people out there who would like to do all sorts of different things, but they are afraid or cant find each other. and i wonder what it is, of me, that makes me so obsessed with the question of human sexuality/pleasure/
gendered behavior. is it a mix of biology: genetics, pheremones, sex organs, or socialization: seeing different lifestyles, shunning intolerance, education, psychology: sexual uncertainty, a need to satisfy/shock others? Probably a mix of many or most of those attributes, and many more of which i am not aware. most of you who know me know that i am extremely persisent in my search to find a gay man to sleep with. but why? i dont know. is all of this repulsive to some? do i care? not especially. but to some people, especially those who think sex is a strictly private matter, it can be difficult to explain and convey. i think people should be comfortable with their bodies, and that only knowing your body and exploring its limits, pleasures, difficulties, can we truly understand ourselves and our mental nature.
but heres the rub: i dont always like my body. actually, i usually hate it. but i know that by learning to love it and display it, and let others love it, i can work on my self-consciousness. even feminists are affected by pop-culture. i like the idea of sex, i sometimes like doing it, i like the pleasure and occasional intimacy, but ive never really had good sex. ive had some decent sessions with bill, but nothing to write home about. ive even shut off the activity im taking part in because i didnt enjoy it, or suddenly didnt want to do it. is my catholic upbringing fucking with my mind? possibly, but ive dropped that dogma. i do still have guilt sometimes, but im making progress with that. another possibility is that i really dont like my partner, or whats taking place, and instead of modifying it, i see whats going on and blank it out. for example, i go home with someone, we both want sex, but it turns into a 5 minute pound as hard as possible session, and im left high and dry. fuck, even if you want a one-night-stand to get off, at least be considerate of your partners. so i come to the conclusion that people who want sex, do not always want to explore and enjoy the pleasures of give and take. sometimes they want to dominate only. sounds obvious, but it took me a while to get it.
recently, ive even not wanted to have sex. masturbations not all that fun. i either need a good partner or a new hobby, b/c its all very sad to me. i think too, its become too mental for me, and so on the other hand, i have something to look forward to when i do it again: focusing on the sensations and movements and taking it out of my head. it could, after all, be self pressure. or all those voices in my head that sometimes pick up the false chatter that i need to be 'in love' with the person im screwing. yeah, i guess i am obsessed with sex. but i think that most of you know how many relationships go, especially if you date someone with more conservative values and gender roles. there is so much pressure and fretting, that its nice to step away from it once in a while. but if you think about sex, i mean, when youre in the bedroom or kitchen or bathroom or backyard, the possibilities are astonishing, and only end when your body tells you its had enough.
if you actually read through this mental rambling, well, then, im sorry about that. :)