"Why is there a ninja star in my FREEZER?" "... Why NOT?"
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE OMG YOU GUYS WE’RE ALMOST DONE
EDWARD: Hi, good morning, I watched you sleep.
BELLA: That’s so romantic.
READERS: Or, you know, creepy.
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: NOPE, DEFINITELY ROMANTIC!
BELLA: Am I dead?
EDWARD: Uh, what? No.
BELLA: Then why are you here? CRAP I’m dead and everyone will be so upset!
EDWARD: You’re very stupid.
BELLA: Oh, wait, everything actually happened and you’re real and I’m alive. Oh Charlie is going to be pissed...
EDWARD: I owe you an apology for leaving you in the hands of dogs to protect you from Victoria. My bad.
BELLA: You can’t feel guilty for stuff that happens to me.
EDWARD: I didn’t. Well I did, but I wanted to off myself because even after living over a hundred years, I haven’t managed to find a reason to live outside of a teenage girl.
BELLA: How romantic!
EDWARD: Oh and I lied about hating you. I was surprised you took it so easily. I underestimated your gullibility.
THIS PART OF THE BOOK: *is actually a lot more sappy and annoying but seriously who gives a shit*
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: WE DO!
STEPHENIE MEYER: Me too! Gosh my marriage is empty. I much prefer dreams and fantasies of immortal seventeen-year-olds falling for girls who look like me.
EDWARD: When I dumped you I was lying and I love you and always will!
TEENAGE FANS THAT HAVE BEEN DUMPED: THIS IS WISH FULFILLMENT FOR ME AND THAT’S WHY TWILIGHT IS AMAZING AND PERFECT.
BELLA: Oh Edward, I must be dreaming, as I cannot imagine life being so perfect again!
EDWARD: Here I’ll kiss you so you can faint and believe me again...
BELLA: Wait don’t.
EDWARD: OMG THERE’S SOME ONE ELSE ISN’T THERE.
BELLA: No it’s not that. I love you.
EDWARD: Oh good then. SMOOCHY SMOOCHY.
THE KISS: *as per usual, takes two paragraphs to describe and Bella nearly faints... only nearly though, it’s an improvement*
EDWARD: I’ll never leave you again. I have to protect you forever and ever. I’ll spend the next two pages being all poetic and romantic and shit.
BELLA: I’m worried about Victoria though! And the vampires in Italy want me too. Gosh, EVERYONE WANTS ME.
EDWARD: Oh it’s cool, once you’re old they’ll forget you.
BELLA: Bitch, you said you would turn me!
EDWARD: I lied through my pointed-or-maybe-not-Meyer-is-confusing-about-that teeth. I plan on you growing old and dying.
BELLA: Asshole. I’m going to your house to put my mortality to a vote. Let’s go.
END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: I want to die for a boy!
Back to chapter one!
EDWARD: Hi, good morning, I watched you sleep.
BELLA: That’s so romantic.
READERS: Or, you know, creepy.
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: NOPE, DEFINITELY ROMANTIC!
BELLA: Am I dead?
EDWARD: Uh, what? No.
BELLA: Then why are you here? CRAP I’m dead and everyone will be so upset!
EDWARD: You’re very stupid.
BELLA: Oh, wait, everything actually happened and you’re real and I’m alive. Oh Charlie is going to be pissed...
EDWARD: I owe you an apology for leaving you in the hands of dogs to protect you from Victoria. My bad.
BELLA: You can’t feel guilty for stuff that happens to me.
EDWARD: I didn’t. Well I did, but I wanted to off myself because even after living over a hundred years, I haven’t managed to find a reason to live outside of a teenage girl.
BELLA: How romantic!
EDWARD: Oh and I lied about hating you. I was surprised you took it so easily. I underestimated your gullibility.
THIS PART OF THE BOOK: *is actually a lot more sappy and annoying but seriously who gives a shit*
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: WE DO!
STEPHENIE MEYER: Me too! Gosh my marriage is empty. I much prefer dreams and fantasies of immortal seventeen-year-olds falling for girls who look like me.
EDWARD: When I dumped you I was lying and I love you and always will!
TEENAGE FANS THAT HAVE BEEN DUMPED: THIS IS WISH FULFILLMENT FOR ME AND THAT’S WHY TWILIGHT IS AMAZING AND PERFECT.
BELLA: Oh Edward, I must be dreaming, as I cannot imagine life being so perfect again!
EDWARD: Here I’ll kiss you so you can faint and believe me again...
BELLA: Wait don’t.
EDWARD: OMG THERE’S SOME ONE ELSE ISN’T THERE.
BELLA: No it’s not that. I love you.
EDWARD: Oh good then. SMOOCHY SMOOCHY.
THE KISS: *as per usual, takes two paragraphs to describe and Bella nearly faints... only nearly though, it’s an improvement*
EDWARD: I’ll never leave you again. I have to protect you forever and ever. I’ll spend the next two pages being all poetic and romantic and shit.
BELLA: I’m worried about Victoria though! And the vampires in Italy want me too. Gosh, EVERYONE WANTS ME.
EDWARD: Oh it’s cool, once you’re old they’ll forget you.
BELLA: Bitch, you said you would turn me!
EDWARD: I lied through my pointed-or-maybe-not-Meyer-is-confusing-about-that teeth. I plan on you growing old and dying.
BELLA: Asshole. I’m going to your house to put my mortality to a vote. Let’s go.
END OF CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
THIRTEEN YEAR OLD FANGIRLS: I want to die for a boy!
Back to chapter one!