inside the strangest dream of life unloved

[shimmyshakes77]

yesterday was a good day me and sejal attempted at making margaritas...actually i made them for her and failed miserably, but we drank them anyways lol. then alicia and emma came over and wel watched napolean dynamite and then we went to visit cheryn. then we went back to sejals for a while. it was fun and i'm glad i just got to laugh and just..idk feel close to normal. but one day doesn't suffice for whatever i wish it could. i tried optimistic views and all that but you can't fake the way you see things. it's like everything i do and everything that happens i have to look at in a negative perspective and instead of making the best of it i have to think of everything that's not right and i'm trying so hard not to do that but i can't. i'm not going to ramble on and explain blah blah blah why i'm so depressed and blah blah blah....it's pointless. what i need to do is figure out why i'm such a negative person and why i can't just let myself be happy. but i really do try idk what i'm doing wrong. i tried so hard but all afternoon i could just feel tears in my eyes and i was like please don't cry you idiot you have no reason to cry stop being a baby, and i was successful for the most part only cried a tiny bit. but then i just knew if i didn't get out of there soon i would go crazy i felt like i was in jail or something so i left dan's and now i'm home wasting my time crying but there's nothing else i can do i just need to let it all out so i can go do something...anything. i just don't want to be around anyone till it's all out of my system cause it's embarrassing to be crying all the time and the littlest thing, or nothing, could set me off. i'm really at a dead end right now i don't see all the causes only some, i don't see all the answers, i see none..i'm just really confused and as much as i wish i had someone to share this with, at the same time i want to be alone and keep things to myself i just wish someone...or anyone knew the feeling and could relate or something. but i can't even be honest with myself about why this has been happening. i know i don't want to die but it's like those days where all you want to do is stand on your roof and scream to the whole world "i want to die!" but i don't at the same time so really do i know what i want? no, i just want to be happy again and it's so hard...what happened to me this year?

"For every chemical you trade a piece of your soul with no return
And who you think you know doesn't know you at all, their drain is needless
Someday we'll wave hello and wish we'd never waved goodbye"