Things I Dislike: Volume 1
College
Why is it that 12 years of grueling education can only get you a minimun wage shift at a coffee shop, but four years of passing off meaningless dribble as "research" at a university can lead to "endless occupational opportunities"? I can understand this if you want to be a doctor or a lawyer or an international businessman (whatever that is), though what good is college for a chap like me when all I like to do is act, draw, write and rub one out every so often? No good at all, that's what! Despite my spite, I have been able to learn many irrelevant facts and ideas about cultures which are in no way related to my own. Did you know what there are elements of transcendental and cosmological religiousity in the ancient religions of China? It's true!
Socks 'n Underpants
Why did one guy with smelly feet and a kidney problem have to ruin it for the rest of us? The only socks I like wearing are knee socks and that's only because I'm about 10% transvestite and they keep my calves warm. Underwear is just a pain in general; how can one wear pants that aren't "hip-hop" style baggy without getting a wedgie while wearing underwear? I have found it impossible. My plight has become so severe that I am considering just wearing thongs so I won't have to even bother trying to be anally comfortable anymore. Ladies, how do you do it?
"We don't bite!"
Perhaps the stupidest and most tired-out joke in the human vernacular, "(I/we/they) don't bite, don't be shy!" needs to stop being used. It may be that I am just a bitter shy kid, my fears of human contact being summed up by thousands of instances of having heard that expression, though I stand by my assertion that it's dumb and expired. When was the last time you heard somebody laugh at that remark? This does not include uses of the equally annoying addition: "Well, except for (this person), he/she bites!"
Oh! What irony! You see, because humans aren't such savages that they would bite each other during regular discourse*, so this would be quite an odd experience, wouldn't it?
No.
So next time somebody informs you in that cocksure manner that they "don't bite", let them know that you aren't avoiding them because they bite, but rather because they suck.
Donnie Darko: The Director's Cut
Like last month's shipment of whole milk, this film has not aged well. It's a wonderful gem for those who haven't seen it, especially the suicidal, gothic teenage type, which is what I was when I first saw it in early 2002, immediately after it's VHS release. After repeated viewings and growing a more mature mindset, I've been able to pay attention to the film's countless plot holes and anachorisms. Then again, I never liked Donnie Darko for it's sci-fi/horror elements, nor did I care for it's 1980s setting. What I enjoyed about the film was it's haunting atmosphere, as well as the importance emphasized on the characters rather than the situation, which was kind of silly if you think about it. In the director's cut, we are given more information about what all this time travel shit is through obviously sliced in shots of Roberta Sparrow's book, as well as a cheap-looking cross between a power rangers and Requiem for a Dream's hip/hop montages when Donnie sees Frank. The scenes that were added brought some more insight to the relationships between the characters, though they weren't needed. When I watched the deleted scenes on the DVD, I felt that it was neccessary to include the scene where Donnie's psychiatrist tells him that his pills are placebos - though now I regret having seen that in the "cut". It scrapes away at the "open-endedness" that made the film so much fun as well as making the plot just seem so much more base.
With a hard heart, I went home from the theater, logged on to IMDB, and changed my vote for that film from a '10' to a '9'. Sorry, Donnie.
Rodney Dangerfield being dead
If there was a heaven...
what a silly notion. "Heaven"! HA! Now that's funny!
Alex
*except Native Americans
Why is it that 12 years of grueling education can only get you a minimun wage shift at a coffee shop, but four years of passing off meaningless dribble as "research" at a university can lead to "endless occupational opportunities"? I can understand this if you want to be a doctor or a lawyer or an international businessman (whatever that is), though what good is college for a chap like me when all I like to do is act, draw, write and rub one out every so often? No good at all, that's what! Despite my spite, I have been able to learn many irrelevant facts and ideas about cultures which are in no way related to my own. Did you know what there are elements of transcendental and cosmological religiousity in the ancient religions of China? It's true!
Socks 'n Underpants
Why did one guy with smelly feet and a kidney problem have to ruin it for the rest of us? The only socks I like wearing are knee socks and that's only because I'm about 10% transvestite and they keep my calves warm. Underwear is just a pain in general; how can one wear pants that aren't "hip-hop" style baggy without getting a wedgie while wearing underwear? I have found it impossible. My plight has become so severe that I am considering just wearing thongs so I won't have to even bother trying to be anally comfortable anymore. Ladies, how do you do it?
"We don't bite!"
Perhaps the stupidest and most tired-out joke in the human vernacular, "(I/we/they) don't bite, don't be shy!" needs to stop being used. It may be that I am just a bitter shy kid, my fears of human contact being summed up by thousands of instances of having heard that expression, though I stand by my assertion that it's dumb and expired. When was the last time you heard somebody laugh at that remark? This does not include uses of the equally annoying addition: "Well, except for (this person), he/she bites!"
Oh! What irony! You see, because humans aren't such savages that they would bite each other during regular discourse*, so this would be quite an odd experience, wouldn't it?
No.
So next time somebody informs you in that cocksure manner that they "don't bite", let them know that you aren't avoiding them because they bite, but rather because they suck.
Donnie Darko: The Director's Cut
Like last month's shipment of whole milk, this film has not aged well. It's a wonderful gem for those who haven't seen it, especially the suicidal, gothic teenage type, which is what I was when I first saw it in early 2002, immediately after it's VHS release. After repeated viewings and growing a more mature mindset, I've been able to pay attention to the film's countless plot holes and anachorisms. Then again, I never liked Donnie Darko for it's sci-fi/horror elements, nor did I care for it's 1980s setting. What I enjoyed about the film was it's haunting atmosphere, as well as the importance emphasized on the characters rather than the situation, which was kind of silly if you think about it. In the director's cut, we are given more information about what all this time travel shit is through obviously sliced in shots of Roberta Sparrow's book, as well as a cheap-looking cross between a power rangers and Requiem for a Dream's hip/hop montages when Donnie sees Frank. The scenes that were added brought some more insight to the relationships between the characters, though they weren't needed. When I watched the deleted scenes on the DVD, I felt that it was neccessary to include the scene where Donnie's psychiatrist tells him that his pills are placebos - though now I regret having seen that in the "cut". It scrapes away at the "open-endedness" that made the film so much fun as well as making the plot just seem so much more base.
With a hard heart, I went home from the theater, logged on to IMDB, and changed my vote for that film from a '10' to a '9'. Sorry, Donnie.
Rodney Dangerfield being dead
If there was a heaven...
what a silly notion. "Heaven"! HA! Now that's funny!
Alex
*except Native Americans