Once, twice, fight the fight... three times running... live out of sight.
Crawling up in a ball of hidden secret shame feels so right tonight. I am hopelessly leaving memories of turmoil lingering in the back of my mind. "Deal with it! you are weak!" the aggressive adult screams in my mind... "Give up hope..." the codependent self murmurs once more... the child backs off "I am doing the best I can..." I crave affection... I feel lonely, and oddly lonely feels almost sublime. I am out of reasons to desire change, although so many reasons force change. Giving up is coping for me right now. I know what needs to be done, although my lack of courage frantically spins around me in circles. Anxious, breathless, and tired... Exhausted from guilt, I crawl into my ball, shattering my hope in my own self demoting way. I am better than this, I am worth loving, I am worth the fight. Last resort, falling far into the dark. Feeling as if I am the butt of a midnight cigarette, smoldering in the empty filth of your ashtray.