HHHOkay, So...
I haven't updated in a while. Because my life decided "Hm,.. now looks like a good time to take up whirlwind status.." so I've been living kind of in a giant clusterfuck.
First things first, my trip to Massachusetts was
just about one of the best things to happen in a really long time. The day I spent getting there was annoying. I didn't get on the bus until 3. Navigating the city was pretty easy, at least, since I had directions. And I had a general idea of what I was looking for.
Regardless, I think I'm really good with maps still and I figured out the subway fairly quickly. I actually got to Chinatown, and ended up getting on the bus with a different company than originally planned.
So instead of the Fung Wah, I used the Lucky Star. Same ridiculous 5 hour ride.
You'd think that sleeping/nodding off for a good portion of the ride would make it seem shorter....nope. I arrived just when I was supposed to after 5 hours, and was greeted by a cold, damp city.
A half hour after my arrival, I jumped into Nick's Jetta. Nick is probably one of the most chill kids I've ever met that wasn't on anything. I mean that he was literally chilled out and not a stoner. He's that rad.
Adam was with him. We stopped by Nick's place before heading to Somerset. I ravenously ate a peanut and butter sandwich as I prepared for total submersion into musician world. A world of Musician talk. I was going to have the best weekend in a while.
When we got to Jay's, we were greeted by Jason himself, Liz and Jon. Almost immediately Jon went from (apparently) tolerable to Angry Jon. I guess I have that effect on people. We then sojourned to a place of wonder and joy: the local convenience store. Where Jon actually bought me a drink, because, well, I have that effect on people. I gave him a back massage (although it sucked because he was sitting in front of me and I was wicked tired.) and he finally relaxed a bit. I have no recollection of when everyone left, I just know it was like little spurts of folks leaving and then finally Nick and Jon took off.
I gave Jay a massage before we went to bed and we talked a little. I woke up several times that night to Jay's music. At one point I woke up and thought I was back home, in my room. Well, in the room that is now Anna's room. And just as I gained my bearings, "Stellar" by Incubus came on and I was kind of bewildered. I was knocked out for a matter of a few hours.
Saturday was so amazing. It started with a buttered bagel from Madame Kohler and ended in Nick's arms. (Hehe, that sounded so romantic and poetic.) I helped set up the "stage" for Alex's party with Alex. I got to talking to his dad. Who is up there in the elite grouping of cool parents. I think this day included me rediscovering how much I enjoy the word "rad". I got to listen to the boys practice and jam out all morning and then their three bands that played that afternoon and then Ebu Gogo (incredible group of guys)! I was musically overwhelmed and overjoyed! I met Liz's little sister, Mary, and Liam, Mary's boyfriend(?). I got to chill with a girl that told me she loved me within the first 4 minutes of meeting me, Danielle. Another girl, Harmoni. I kinda made nice with Jon and he actually gave me a kind farewell before he jetted. I got tossed around the pool by both Mosher and Nick. Who are both top on my "people I want to talk to more" list. Mosher for his artistic insight and such, and Nick for his utter chill-ness. Mosher and I appreciated the moonrise together after the party moved inside. He spoke about painting it, I spoke about writing it. It was good times. Nick lent me his hoodie because I was still utterly FREEZING. We were both wearing Tool shirts all day and the hoodie he lent me was also branded with Tool. I met Ryan and then we were off to the convenience store again. We came back and I gave Jay a foot and hand massage because he'd been playing all day. Eventually, Nick, Jay and I went back to Jay's and watched crappy television and went to bed. Nick and I cuddled a LOT. My hair kept getting in his face. (Neither of us slept much because the floor was really hard and we kept waking each other up.)
On Sunday, Nick and I drove back to Alex's to see who was still there. Turns out Danielle, her boyfriend Dennis, and little Jay were still there. So after convincing folks to come eat with us, we headed out for pizza. Then we went back to Alex's. Jay and I went for a walk and talk. We figured when I'd leave and tried to find Liz. Instead, we ended up at Dunkin Donuts with Jay and then we left for Nick's. Nick and I checked out The Onion and Space Jam: The Movie: The Book. And then it was time to leave and I got whiny. WAAAAAHHH. I left at around 11 and slept a bit on the ride.
I didn't have any batteries and my iPod was still out of commission, so I didn't get to listen to any of my music at all. I was too tired to write and my phone was dying. I felt like I was traveling between realities. I got to Chinatown at some hour of the morning...4, I think? I sat around Penn Station until the first train around 5 or so. I don't even remember, I just know that I got home at 6. Mom and I ended up having a conversation that concluded in her pushing the date back for kicking me out to September as long as I go see a therapist.
I passed out and had work that afternoon.
The rest of that week is a bit of a blur to me. I remember heading out to Apple on Thursday and they replaced the connection wire to my iPod and now it ....sort of works. Hence the previously mentioned anger at Steve Jobs.
I spent a large portion of my time NOT writing a resume. And then Thursday night I worked. And Friday evening I did the 2nd shift as a favor. Hey, more hours=more money.
Friday after work, I took a drive up to Whippany. Arrived at the hotel to find that Drew was already drunk. I met Kristen. After I dropped my things off in the room, we went on the great search for a diner. I have no idea how much alcohol he had, but he was rather belligerent. We got back to the room and he pulled me onto the bed and placed me on top of him. I got off and laid out on the other bed. Didn't sleep. Overheard him and Kristen have sex.
I got up (I didn't sleep, but I was lying down...) and received a text at 6 AM from my mother asking me why there were dishes in the sink. And then she began heckling me because not trying to snap back witily was apparently immature on my part. I was disturbed further. I then sat outside while Kristen and Drew had a talk. I got a kick out of watching the people going to TNE confuse the crap out of the normals by merely existing. Very very amusing.
I got back to our room, and then things started moving. Around 1, we ended up waiting for the arrival of Kate. When I met her. And then Goley and Jenn showed up and told me that all of the Couch Circle folk were on the third floor. So shortly after meet&greet with Kate, I headed up with Goley and said hi to Lou, Joe, Steve, Adam and Jerry. I then found Tory in the Lobby while I was searching for Drew and Kate. They found me and told me we were getting a room on the third floor so Drew gave me the room key and told me to just head up that way. I got up there, and they arrive a few minutes later and tell me they got to move Brian Viglione's drums. I was jealous.
So then the alchies showed up, and I had my first White Russian. In fact, I had two, and then I ventured out into the world. I went to the vendors to find armor or a bodice or a corset even. I got distracted by sharp and pointies and then I ran into Ian and Goley. Who I informed almost immediately of my current inebriation ( no sleep+only 1 meal+ light weight= drunk after two drinks.) and also informed of my quest to add to my garb. They then pointed out a gold set of armor that, and I quote, would've made both of them "want to sleep with me no matter where Lou might've been." I chortled, and I think I might've been SUPER nuzzly with Ian because I was drunk. Then I heard that Brian's set was about to start and I flipped out.
Kate and I got the very front row. We sat down and I was like, "Hey, Brian, is this too close? Are you sure we're not going to die?" To which he said (and yeah, I remember, I'm a fan. What a dork I am!) "Oh, you'll be fine. The potential for death is always there, though." Kate and I fan-girled. Mr Viglione played solo and then after an applause, got up and started talking. And it wasn't just that I'm big on The Dresden Dolls, or that he's hot (although both helped a great deal), but he was saying all the things I've been hearing people say for a while and I just needed to hear it from the right person. He spoke about being yourself, in a sense it was "fuck the nay sayers" but more about being passionate and disciplined. And he was very passionate. And he was incredible to just share a 10 foot radius with. He was so full of life, so driven! I was so enraptured by him that I sobered up and completely forgot that I needed to pee really bad.
Afterwards, he broke down his drum set, and a bunch of us stood outside (technically off stage area) the room and talked to him. He was talking to one guy/one guy's group of friends about previous shows and how it is to play with World/Inferno. I kept trying to see when I could get a word in and then Drew, Kristen and Kate gave me the "come on, let's go" look. So I reluctantly began to walk away. Kate put her arm around me and we were both kind of glum and then I was like, "psh. fuck this." and walked back and straight up to Brian. He was signing something for a TNE volunteer and talking about how hungry he was. I kind of waited a little and then I was like, "Brian?" and he turned around and I just said, "I don't really want an autograph..." and he just smiled and opened his arms. I don't even remember that hug, actually. But I remember the feeling of joy and this overwhelming sense of gratitude. Post-embrace I explained that I had been trying to pick up an instrument and I was indeed interested in drums and all that. The fanboy next to me almost immediately entrapped him into a new conversation (which is to be expected) and got his e-mail. I realized my 15 seconds was up and jetted before I was consumed by chatter again.
What a fucking highlight of a trip, right?
So then there was a fight between Lou and Drew that really wasn't a fight until it was a fight ABOUT Lou and really was with me. We were in the elevator to go and get more booze and Lou was there. I don't remember the conversation, but I remember that after Lou left the elevator, Drew decided to say something about being able to take him. Automatically, without any consideration other than defending those I care about and saying the truth, I blurted, "He would break you in half." Drew was speaking from an uneducated, DRUNK standpoint. He later insisted that I was too busy worshiping Lou to see that poor Drew felt threatened. When really, regardless of how defensive I am/get, I know that Lou would break most people smaller than him in half. He's a good fighter, I've seen him. He's strong, fast and big. They aren't mutually exclusive.
So later on, while in the hotel room, Drew starts talking about how he felt threatened by Lou and further defeated by my statement. I open my mouth to apologize and he just starts shouting over me. So I decide that he can't behave like an adult and that I don't need to listen to his drunken bullshit. So I leave and go in search of people that aren't going to cry over such petty crap. Or if they are, they'll at least wait until the other person has spoken.
I then went back to the room, ended up having a shouting match in the hall, got into the room to see him leave and say "When you're ready to hear why what you said hurt, come and find me." Thanks, asshole. We can't discuss this like adults, I'm just going to find you when I'm ready to hear why I should apologize. YOU RIGHTEOUS PRICK.
-shudders- I'm still a little pissed off about how that went. He came back and I decided to put my big girl pants on and he just ended up STILL TALKING OVER ME. So I screamed fuck you, slammed the door and went in search of Lou. Who I had informed of the situation thus far and he said I could room with him if need be. And I did. I found Steve who led me to Lou, who gave me a key to the room. I go to the room and saw that Steve was already there, and Goley was staying there too. They got me chinese food. Jenn gave me pocky. I hooked up with Joe. All was well. Teehee. I got to officially meet Reona and saw Kris again. I don't think I got that much sleep, I just know it was the first sleep I'd gotten in 2 days.
I had work on Monday morning and yesterday afternoon/evening. So I've been pretty worn out. Monday I was supposed to go to a yoga class, but I was kept at work for 2 extra hours, and when I got home I was fucking exhausted. I was kept late yesterday too, for like...an hour? I'm not complaining, I don't have much else to do and I need the money. I need all the money they'll throw at me.
I ended up going for a lonely hunt for ice cream on Monday night. I walked to Scoops at 10 at night because I was completely unaware of the time. I'm still a little confused about the time right now.
I'm hoping things look up soon. The past two weeks I've been battling a feeling of helplessness that has gone deeper than anything before. I think that's mostly due to the fact that it is caused by a real problem as opposed to the emotional drama of what I've experienced in the past. Today has been a serious endeavor on just becoming more positive.
A lot has been going through my head for the past two weeks. I want to write all of it down and all of that. But at some point after the fight I had with my mother, things just feel like they have more of a definite, "CAN'T" factor to them. I know it's a thing I have to over come, but it's really difficult. I need a lot of support if I can get it right now. If I can't, I need to just be strong. And that's the real point, I need to be strong. Regardless of who is out there, I need to be strong enough to take care of myself in September.
I also need people to help me chill the fuck out. I need to not be in constant battle mode for just one day out of the week. -looks up- That's all I'm asking for, folks. Just one day out of seven.
That's all for now!
-Maggie.
First things first, my trip to Massachusetts was
just about one of the best things to happen in a really long time. The day I spent getting there was annoying. I didn't get on the bus until 3. Navigating the city was pretty easy, at least, since I had directions. And I had a general idea of what I was looking for.
Regardless, I think I'm really good with maps still and I figured out the subway fairly quickly. I actually got to Chinatown, and ended up getting on the bus with a different company than originally planned.
So instead of the Fung Wah, I used the Lucky Star. Same ridiculous 5 hour ride.
You'd think that sleeping/nodding off for a good portion of the ride would make it seem shorter....nope. I arrived just when I was supposed to after 5 hours, and was greeted by a cold, damp city.
A half hour after my arrival, I jumped into Nick's Jetta. Nick is probably one of the most chill kids I've ever met that wasn't on anything. I mean that he was literally chilled out and not a stoner. He's that rad.
Adam was with him. We stopped by Nick's place before heading to Somerset. I ravenously ate a peanut and butter sandwich as I prepared for total submersion into musician world. A world of Musician talk. I was going to have the best weekend in a while.
When we got to Jay's, we were greeted by Jason himself, Liz and Jon. Almost immediately Jon went from (apparently) tolerable to Angry Jon. I guess I have that effect on people. We then sojourned to a place of wonder and joy: the local convenience store. Where Jon actually bought me a drink, because, well, I have that effect on people. I gave him a back massage (although it sucked because he was sitting in front of me and I was wicked tired.) and he finally relaxed a bit. I have no recollection of when everyone left, I just know it was like little spurts of folks leaving and then finally Nick and Jon took off.
I gave Jay a massage before we went to bed and we talked a little. I woke up several times that night to Jay's music. At one point I woke up and thought I was back home, in my room. Well, in the room that is now Anna's room. And just as I gained my bearings, "Stellar" by Incubus came on and I was kind of bewildered. I was knocked out for a matter of a few hours.
Saturday was so amazing. It started with a buttered bagel from Madame Kohler and ended in Nick's arms. (Hehe, that sounded so romantic and poetic.) I helped set up the "stage" for Alex's party with Alex. I got to talking to his dad. Who is up there in the elite grouping of cool parents. I think this day included me rediscovering how much I enjoy the word "rad". I got to listen to the boys practice and jam out all morning and then their three bands that played that afternoon and then Ebu Gogo (incredible group of guys)! I was musically overwhelmed and overjoyed! I met Liz's little sister, Mary, and Liam, Mary's boyfriend(?). I got to chill with a girl that told me she loved me within the first 4 minutes of meeting me, Danielle. Another girl, Harmoni. I kinda made nice with Jon and he actually gave me a kind farewell before he jetted. I got tossed around the pool by both Mosher and Nick. Who are both top on my "people I want to talk to more" list. Mosher for his artistic insight and such, and Nick for his utter chill-ness. Mosher and I appreciated the moonrise together after the party moved inside. He spoke about painting it, I spoke about writing it. It was good times. Nick lent me his hoodie because I was still utterly FREEZING. We were both wearing Tool shirts all day and the hoodie he lent me was also branded with Tool. I met Ryan and then we were off to the convenience store again. We came back and I gave Jay a foot and hand massage because he'd been playing all day. Eventually, Nick, Jay and I went back to Jay's and watched crappy television and went to bed. Nick and I cuddled a LOT. My hair kept getting in his face. (Neither of us slept much because the floor was really hard and we kept waking each other up.)
On Sunday, Nick and I drove back to Alex's to see who was still there. Turns out Danielle, her boyfriend Dennis, and little Jay were still there. So after convincing folks to come eat with us, we headed out for pizza. Then we went back to Alex's. Jay and I went for a walk and talk. We figured when I'd leave and tried to find Liz. Instead, we ended up at Dunkin Donuts with Jay and then we left for Nick's. Nick and I checked out The Onion and Space Jam: The Movie: The Book. And then it was time to leave and I got whiny. WAAAAAHHH. I left at around 11 and slept a bit on the ride.
I didn't have any batteries and my iPod was still out of commission, so I didn't get to listen to any of my music at all. I was too tired to write and my phone was dying. I felt like I was traveling between realities. I got to Chinatown at some hour of the morning...4, I think? I sat around Penn Station until the first train around 5 or so. I don't even remember, I just know that I got home at 6. Mom and I ended up having a conversation that concluded in her pushing the date back for kicking me out to September as long as I go see a therapist.
I passed out and had work that afternoon.
The rest of that week is a bit of a blur to me. I remember heading out to Apple on Thursday and they replaced the connection wire to my iPod and now it ....sort of works. Hence the previously mentioned anger at Steve Jobs.
I spent a large portion of my time NOT writing a resume. And then Thursday night I worked. And Friday evening I did the 2nd shift as a favor. Hey, more hours=more money.
Friday after work, I took a drive up to Whippany. Arrived at the hotel to find that Drew was already drunk. I met Kristen. After I dropped my things off in the room, we went on the great search for a diner. I have no idea how much alcohol he had, but he was rather belligerent. We got back to the room and he pulled me onto the bed and placed me on top of him. I got off and laid out on the other bed. Didn't sleep. Overheard him and Kristen have sex.
I got up (I didn't sleep, but I was lying down...) and received a text at 6 AM from my mother asking me why there were dishes in the sink. And then she began heckling me because not trying to snap back witily was apparently immature on my part. I was disturbed further. I then sat outside while Kristen and Drew had a talk. I got a kick out of watching the people going to TNE confuse the crap out of the normals by merely existing. Very very amusing.
I got back to our room, and then things started moving. Around 1, we ended up waiting for the arrival of Kate. When I met her. And then Goley and Jenn showed up and told me that all of the Couch Circle folk were on the third floor. So shortly after meet&greet with Kate, I headed up with Goley and said hi to Lou, Joe, Steve, Adam and Jerry. I then found Tory in the Lobby while I was searching for Drew and Kate. They found me and told me we were getting a room on the third floor so Drew gave me the room key and told me to just head up that way. I got up there, and they arrive a few minutes later and tell me they got to move Brian Viglione's drums. I was jealous.
So then the alchies showed up, and I had my first White Russian. In fact, I had two, and then I ventured out into the world. I went to the vendors to find armor or a bodice or a corset even. I got distracted by sharp and pointies and then I ran into Ian and Goley. Who I informed almost immediately of my current inebriation ( no sleep+only 1 meal+ light weight= drunk after two drinks.) and also informed of my quest to add to my garb. They then pointed out a gold set of armor that, and I quote, would've made both of them "want to sleep with me no matter where Lou might've been." I chortled, and I think I might've been SUPER nuzzly with Ian because I was drunk. Then I heard that Brian's set was about to start and I flipped out.
Kate and I got the very front row. We sat down and I was like, "Hey, Brian, is this too close? Are you sure we're not going to die?" To which he said (and yeah, I remember, I'm a fan. What a dork I am!) "Oh, you'll be fine. The potential for death is always there, though." Kate and I fan-girled. Mr Viglione played solo and then after an applause, got up and started talking. And it wasn't just that I'm big on The Dresden Dolls, or that he's hot (although both helped a great deal), but he was saying all the things I've been hearing people say for a while and I just needed to hear it from the right person. He spoke about being yourself, in a sense it was "fuck the nay sayers" but more about being passionate and disciplined. And he was very passionate. And he was incredible to just share a 10 foot radius with. He was so full of life, so driven! I was so enraptured by him that I sobered up and completely forgot that I needed to pee really bad.
Afterwards, he broke down his drum set, and a bunch of us stood outside (technically off stage area) the room and talked to him. He was talking to one guy/one guy's group of friends about previous shows and how it is to play with World/Inferno. I kept trying to see when I could get a word in and then Drew, Kristen and Kate gave me the "come on, let's go" look. So I reluctantly began to walk away. Kate put her arm around me and we were both kind of glum and then I was like, "psh. fuck this." and walked back and straight up to Brian. He was signing something for a TNE volunteer and talking about how hungry he was. I kind of waited a little and then I was like, "Brian?" and he turned around and I just said, "I don't really want an autograph..." and he just smiled and opened his arms. I don't even remember that hug, actually. But I remember the feeling of joy and this overwhelming sense of gratitude. Post-embrace I explained that I had been trying to pick up an instrument and I was indeed interested in drums and all that. The fanboy next to me almost immediately entrapped him into a new conversation (which is to be expected) and got his e-mail. I realized my 15 seconds was up and jetted before I was consumed by chatter again.
What a fucking highlight of a trip, right?
So then there was a fight between Lou and Drew that really wasn't a fight until it was a fight ABOUT Lou and really was with me. We were in the elevator to go and get more booze and Lou was there. I don't remember the conversation, but I remember that after Lou left the elevator, Drew decided to say something about being able to take him. Automatically, without any consideration other than defending those I care about and saying the truth, I blurted, "He would break you in half." Drew was speaking from an uneducated, DRUNK standpoint. He later insisted that I was too busy worshiping Lou to see that poor Drew felt threatened. When really, regardless of how defensive I am/get, I know that Lou would break most people smaller than him in half. He's a good fighter, I've seen him. He's strong, fast and big. They aren't mutually exclusive.
So later on, while in the hotel room, Drew starts talking about how he felt threatened by Lou and further defeated by my statement. I open my mouth to apologize and he just starts shouting over me. So I decide that he can't behave like an adult and that I don't need to listen to his drunken bullshit. So I leave and go in search of people that aren't going to cry over such petty crap. Or if they are, they'll at least wait until the other person has spoken.
I then went back to the room, ended up having a shouting match in the hall, got into the room to see him leave and say "When you're ready to hear why what you said hurt, come and find me." Thanks, asshole. We can't discuss this like adults, I'm just going to find you when I'm ready to hear why I should apologize. YOU RIGHTEOUS PRICK.
-shudders- I'm still a little pissed off about how that went. He came back and I decided to put my big girl pants on and he just ended up STILL TALKING OVER ME. So I screamed fuck you, slammed the door and went in search of Lou. Who I had informed of the situation thus far and he said I could room with him if need be. And I did. I found Steve who led me to Lou, who gave me a key to the room. I go to the room and saw that Steve was already there, and Goley was staying there too. They got me chinese food. Jenn gave me pocky. I hooked up with Joe. All was well. Teehee. I got to officially meet Reona and saw Kris again. I don't think I got that much sleep, I just know it was the first sleep I'd gotten in 2 days.
I had work on Monday morning and yesterday afternoon/evening. So I've been pretty worn out. Monday I was supposed to go to a yoga class, but I was kept at work for 2 extra hours, and when I got home I was fucking exhausted. I was kept late yesterday too, for like...an hour? I'm not complaining, I don't have much else to do and I need the money. I need all the money they'll throw at me.
I ended up going for a lonely hunt for ice cream on Monday night. I walked to Scoops at 10 at night because I was completely unaware of the time. I'm still a little confused about the time right now.
I'm hoping things look up soon. The past two weeks I've been battling a feeling of helplessness that has gone deeper than anything before. I think that's mostly due to the fact that it is caused by a real problem as opposed to the emotional drama of what I've experienced in the past. Today has been a serious endeavor on just becoming more positive.
A lot has been going through my head for the past two weeks. I want to write all of it down and all of that. But at some point after the fight I had with my mother, things just feel like they have more of a definite, "CAN'T" factor to them. I know it's a thing I have to over come, but it's really difficult. I need a lot of support if I can get it right now. If I can't, I need to just be strong. And that's the real point, I need to be strong. Regardless of who is out there, I need to be strong enough to take care of myself in September.
I also need people to help me chill the fuck out. I need to not be in constant battle mode for just one day out of the week. -looks up- That's all I'm asking for, folks. Just one day out of seven.
That's all for now!
-Maggie.